Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Kyle Rittenhouse’s Tears are the Secret Ingredient in Chick-fil-A Sauce
Hey, I see that infrastructure bill finally passed the House, about nine minutes after I got last week’s post up, no doubt because Joe Biden covets my Friday night thunder. In fairness, the Democratic Party’s achievements this year, the trillions of dollars worth of new progressive policy, all accomplished with the narrowest of majorities, are perhaps marginally more impressive than the drunken ramblings of a failed stage actor in a luchador mask, but I refuse to concede until every ballot is counted.
Now, the bill was ever-so-slightly bipartisan, which of course means just one thing in modern conservative politics: a volley of death threats for the apostate Reps, from the feral base! Real healthy mindset they’ve got over there, huh?
“Dear Congressman X,
It has come to my attention that you believe roads and bridges should be repaired. As per the clearly-defined tenets of our death cult, your entire family must now be violently murdered. I regret it has come to this.
I remain your obedient servant,
Republican campaigning from here on out is gonna be a never-ending procession of low-rent Donald Trump cosplay pageants, which is, my God, exhausting to contemplate, but at least we’ll be granted comic relief, in the form of Ted Cruz’s doomed, clumsy efforts to inspire devotion in the faithful, with that creepy, preacher-from-the-uncanny-valley thing he’s got going. Anyway, he’s picking fights with Muppets now, like a normal human culture warrior would.
“BIG BIRD IS A COMMUNIST SEND TWEET. Are we viral yet, Mildred?” Oh, Ted. Bless your heart. Maybe you can put together a little support group with Mike Pence, a sort of I Debased Myself For Years and All I Got Was the Fervent Disdain of a Bloodthirsty Mob Anonymous kind of thing.
What must it feel like to be Mike Pence right about now? Listening to your BFF (that’s “Best Fascist Friend,” if you’re unfamiliar with current slang) casually but completely take the side of the frothy flock of buttholes that giddily sought your public execution? “I was treated very unfairly, what’re they supposed to do, not hang Mike Pence?”
That must truly suck, Mr. Vice President. Guess the lesson here is “don’t enable authoritarian tyrants,” huh?
I understand everybody’s at Stage: Fuck It with the pandemic, (Joke’s on you, Aaron Rodgers, we’re all too fucking tired to cancel you. Use whatever animal medication you desire, bro. I hear the suppositories are a trip around the fuckin’ moon.) but you’ll no doubt be shocked, shocked to learn the suicide-by-Facebook/Covid-team-up gap continues to grow along decidedly partisan lines.
You have to give grudging admiration to the Right’s propaganda peddlers; on issues ranging from access to insurance to pollution to vaccines during a once-in-a-generation, global pandemic, they’ve made millions of Americans choose, nay, demand self-harm over self-preservation. The evolutionary implications are fucking staggering; it took billions of years, but we’ve developed a brain capable of deceiving itself into discarding hard-won survival instincts. We musta taken a wrong turn back at Albuquerque.
The January 6 commission’s list of new subpoena targets is a real Who’s Who of treacherous crotchtumors, isn’t it? So many enormous pieces of shit on that list, they’re gonna have to hold these hearings in a diaper.
Now, I understand the wingnut media is desperate to drum up outrage against an administration that generates relatively little controversy, with their boring-ass decency/law-abidingness, but this week’s attempts to project the veneer of scandal onto the President and Vice-President were fairly pathetic, even by the standards of the gibbering wad of mediocrity that worships a visibly-deteriorating doofus who thinks exercise is bad for you and has proven incapable of mastering the intricacies of the wily umbrella.
So hey, put in some nose plugs and grab a barf bag, because we need to talk about Paul Gosar for a minute. I like to think of Paul as a Nazi velociraptor. Remember Jurassic Park, the raptors testing the fences? That’s Gosar. That’s his whole job; he pulls increasingly brazen Nazi shit, largely to see if he can get away with it. Nothing much happened when he threw a fundraiser with a noted white nationalist, for example, so he’s testing another section of the fence now.
(At a certain point, it’d probably be helpful to notice the House’s burgeoning Happening Here Caucus doesn’t appear especially interested in pursuing legislative avenues to change, and that “United States Representative” isn’t a responsibility to them, or even a job…just a platform.)
Anyway, as I’m sure you’re aware, Gosar shared a particularly sleazy little piece of murder propaganda from his hate cult’s deeeeeeeeeeeply warped internet culture, and…yeah. We can waste time in nitpicking arguments over plausible deniability, or just how much presumption of good faith we owe to people who have already incited terrorist violence and clearly aim to incite more, but wouldn’t it be more useful to skip straight to dealing with the reality that an influential Republican official just said, “what we should do with people who disagree with us is kill them,” and barely any member of his party could be bothered to disagree with, let alone condemn him?
Tested the fence, y’see. No shock. Censure is a good start.
So, a brand-new watchdog report revealed to the public that at least THIRTEEN high-ranking officials of the recently-deposed regime, up to and including Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, violated a very significant law, stealing federal resources from every American taxpayer for selfish political purposes, but if there is one thing I have learned since 2016, it is that Hatch Act violations do not, sad to say, generate clicks. Insert infuriating Kellyanne Conway clip here.
In saner days, getting caught committing such big, fat crimes tended to end political careers, and that was a good thing. When you stop enforcing that standard, (and, y’know, THE LAW) you wind up with Gosars and Taylor Greenes rampaging through the hallways, fucking with the instruments of government in Washington while fanning the flames of hate back home.
See, the crazies have had their taste of power, and they want it back, and they know the only way to grab it and keep it is to get rid of every adult in the room once and for all. Didja see that memo from John McEntee, aka Autogolpe Human Resources during the final days of the fall of the Turd Reich? The memo laying out the “case” to dismiss Defense Secretary Mark Esper over opposing the confederate flag and refusing to deploy the military against civilian protesters? Consider that a teaser trailer for what’ll happen on Day One if these greedy little termites successfully gnaw their way back into the White House.
While the bureaucratic wrecking crew plots the dismantling of the institutions of government, a little closer to the proverbial grassroots, right on schedule, you’ve got conservative school board members, gleefully calling for a good, old-fashioned, public book-burning, without a lick of shame, in the naked light of day.
Now, I know you creeps think you’re being all sneaky with this stuff, but if it’s come to book-burning, and it apparently has, you’re not allowed to get pissy when people call you Nazis. If they had a Family Feud category called Things Nazis Do, burning books would be on the fucking board, so sit your book-burning Nazi ass down and shut the fuck up.
So, the Rittenhouse trial…or should I say say, Judge Bruce Schroeder’s sloppy stumble down the media runway? You know your national culture’s in a healthy place when you’re working out whether or not angry white folks deserve the right to wave semiautomatic weapons at strangers and then slaughter their way out of whatever trouble arises.
Regardless of the eventual verdict, Mr. Rittenhouse is, um, not destined for the stage. Folks, I grew up doing community musical theatre in suburban Kansas City, I thought I’d experienced the outer limits of obscenely phony emoting*, but…yikes. They won’t have closing arguments, just Kyle’s blubbering rendition of On My Own.
If you felt like tying all this shit up with a pretty ribbon and sticking a bow on it, you could be forgiven for observing that so many of these stories, from Gosar to Pompeo to Rittenhouse, indicate the American Right is toying rather vigorously with the idea that crime, even violent crime, in pursuit of maintaining white supremacy, oughtn’t really be considered crime at all. And that is an awfully flammable canister these children are playing with.
“Bannon indicted” would be the two sexiest words in the English language, were it not for the extreme gag reflect triggered by linking the name “Bannon” to the concept of sex. I apologize for this paragraph, which is more or less a war crime. Still…Bannon indicted, I’ll drink to that.
Okay, it’s the holidays, and every third headline screams INFLATION, so I don’t want to push the comic book too hard this week, but yes, the Kickstarter for ODD YARNS is indeed live, and we could indeed use some help. Check out the page if you have a minute, and toss us a pledge if it looks like somethin’ that’d bring you a smile. (It totally will, by the way.)
Let me just take a quick moment to express my deepest thanks to everyone who’s backed this project, and everyone who’s backed the earlier ones, (Marguerite is on the way, promise!) heck, to everyone who’s ever stopped to read any individual post of this years-long barrage of inebriated shouting…it’s a fun little life y’all have helped me to, and I thank you for it.
Stay safe out there, my friends!
*How many white kids have I watched sing Ol’ Man River? Lots, okay? Lots.