Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so ain’t it great they’re not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, you’re here, so let’s get chroniclin’.

Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, it’s like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.

A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and it’s all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek “tyranny” and shit themselves whenever they hear the word “mask,” so of course they’re being all weird and hostile about everything.

For the love of all that’s holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasn’t the magic number…we’ll try again tomorrow, I guess.

Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown…how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? It’s like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?

While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they don’t strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HE’S THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.

Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz that’s what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just…allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe that’s not the best idea.

Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing America’s meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!

Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, y’see, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administration’s nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If You’re Woke Enough.

Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks’ money) to purchase copies of her children’s book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.

Of course, that didn’t happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post wasn’t gonna let any silly cuck stuff like “checking to see if there’s any truth at all to this ridiculous story” interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes’ willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollster’s gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and you’ll look at the numbers and cry.

I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell he’s not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his I’m Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.

I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each other’s throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter…make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.

Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Who’ve Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil’ visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudy’s defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Biden’s laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I don’t imagine we’ve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s expense.

Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkka’s Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, “No worries brah, I’m betraying my homeland on purpose!”

Ron Johnson received a similar warning, what’s called a “defensive briefing” in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putin’s useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, “Hear that, Ma?  I’m USEFUL!”

Smilin’ Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators’ retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.

Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, I’m certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WE’VE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.

Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker you’re gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. “How dare you imply there’s systemic racism in America also I’m introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano.” Who do you imagine you’re fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. don’t count.)

Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nation’s youth a steady diet of ‘Murican propaganda, because honestly, how’s a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.

Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. We’ve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; it’s frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, ‘kay?

Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow who’ll gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow…those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotard’s ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didn’t work out.

Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the “Christian” Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingers’ll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but can’t be bothered to muster a mumbled “hey quit it” for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?

Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isn’t exactly your “thing,” but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil’ statement? Something like, “Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome” or do you worry that’d open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?

Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic “Cyber Ninjas” who’ve somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizona’s Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that they’re being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldn’t be given access to these ballots, y’know?

Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin’ along, methodically undoing his vile predecessor’s despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in history’s blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the…well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex…okay, there’s still some work to do.

…but it can wait ‘till Monday, I’ve got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day…stay safe out there, Resisters.