Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so ain’t it great they’re not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, you’re here, so let’s get chroniclin’.
Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, it’s like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.
A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and it’s all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek “tyranny” and shit themselves whenever they hear the word “mask,” so of course they’re being all weird and hostile about everything.
For the love of all that’s holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasn’t the magic number…we’ll try again tomorrow, I guess.
Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown…how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? It’s like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?
While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they don’t strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HE’S THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.
Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz that’s what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just…allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe that’s not the best idea.
Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing America’s meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!
Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, y’see, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administration’s nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If You’re Woke Enough.
Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks’ money) to purchase copies of her children’s book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.
Of course, that didn’t happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post wasn’t gonna let any silly cuck stuff like “checking to see if there’s any truth at all to this ridiculous story” interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes’ willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollster’s gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and you’ll look at the numbers and cry.
I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell he’s not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his I’m Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each other’s throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter…make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.
Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Who’ve Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil’ visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudy’s defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Biden’s laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I don’t imagine we’ve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s expense.
Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkka’s Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, “No worries brah, I’m betraying my homeland on purpose!”
Ron Johnson received a similar warning, what’s called a “defensive briefing” in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putin’s useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, “Hear that, Ma? I’m USEFUL!”
Smilin’ Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators’ retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.
Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, I’m certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WE’VE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.
Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker you’re gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. “How dare you imply there’s systemic racism in America also I’m introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano.” Who do you imagine you’re fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. don’t count.)
Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nation’s youth a steady diet of ‘Murican propaganda, because honestly, how’s a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.
Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. We’ve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; it’s frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, ‘kay?
Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow who’ll gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow…those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotard’s ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didn’t work out.
Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the “Christian” Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingers’ll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but can’t be bothered to muster a mumbled “hey quit it” for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?
Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isn’t exactly your “thing,” but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil’ statement? Something like, “Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome” or do you worry that’d open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?
Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic “Cyber Ninjas” who’ve somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizona’s Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that they’re being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldn’t be given access to these ballots, y’know?
Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin’ along, methodically undoing his vile predecessor’s despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in history’s blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the…well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex…okay, there’s still some work to do.
…but it can wait ‘till Monday, I’ve got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day…stay safe out there, Resisters.