Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
When Liz Cheney Isn’t Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You’ve Made Some Choices
Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o’ Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates’ grand plan. Were it not for the GOP’s steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I might’ve burst into song by now; as it is, I don’t imagine I’ll be swapping out my chroniclin’ pants for tap shoes any time soon.
Well, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is still banned from Facebook, for at least six more months, while Mark Zuckerberg ponders the profitability of platforming a terrorism-inciting, white supremacist madman. Pretty cool that a decision of such magnitude lies in the hands of one unelected sociopath, huh?
At least we still get to watch Wee Donnie One-Term get smacked down with each pathetic new attempt to sneak back onto Twitter. There’s just something about watching a Nazi step on a rake that livens up one’s day, don’t you think?
Most men would walk away from a debacle like the Four Seasons Total Landscaping incident confident their place in loser meltdown history was secure, but for Rudy Giuliani, rock bottom was just another trip around the board without passing Go or collecting $200.
Little more than MAGA Nation’s drooling, batshit uncle now, Rudy is reduced to begging his old boss to pay his mounting legal bills, (good luck with that, Cousin-Fucker) because nobody’s gonna whip up an angry mob to keep Dear Leader’s perpetually self-immolating idiot lawyer out of prison, y’know?
Why, the poor traitor can apparently no longer afford to keep his entourage!
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to grieve.)
Mitch McConnell sneeringly informed the world that “one hundred percent of my focus is standing up to this administration,” rough news for anyone hoping Yertle’s long-teased trip hop concept album about the life of John Sherman Cooper would drop this year, and also for anyone hoping the Republican Party might be interested in helping the nation recover from their murderous mismanagement of the pandemic.
Now, the Biden agenda Wrinkly Gamera opposes so fervently has mostly been about controlling the coronavirus and reducing unemployment so far, because I guess supporting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a partisan position these days. And that seems shocking, until one ruminates for a moment on the absurdity of the very idea of shared, self-evident truths (about equality, no less) in our current political climate. Anyhoo, if anybody out there has an open sofa in a country where half the electorate isn’t in a death cult, drop me a line, wouldja?
Oregon State Rep. Mike Nearman faces multiple criminal charges for granting lunatic anti-mask rioters access to the state Capitol last December, so they could skip merrily through the halls, spreading COVID-19 and bear mace. Going forward, I guess we need to add some specifics to our elected representatives’ oaths of office; maybe a line or two about I Will Not Aid Terrorist Plots to Attack the Building Where I Work?
(I don’t blame the founders for this blind spot; how’s a culture that’s just working through its powdered wig phase supposed to see the I’mma Spread a Lethal Virus to Own the Libs crowd coming?)
By the way, Nearman caught COVID too, because fucking of course he did.
Tennessee Republicans banned teaching “critical race theory” in public schools, because it’s scandalous to even suggest that there’s any institutional racism in this, our pure, pristine, never-even-mildly-imperfect nation; why yes, the selfsame Tennessee Republicans who felt the need to defend the unjustly maligned honor of that famous anti-racism measure…the Three-Fifths Compromise. I feel compelled to remind everyone that I am somehow not, in defiance of all reason and sanity, making any of this shit up.
Republicans provided further evidence of America’s complete lack of institutional racism over in the Centennial State, where Rep. Richard Holtorf very non-racistly spat a slur directly in his Black colleagues’ faces, right on the floor of the Colorado House. Thank heaven Rich didn’t have to learn about critical race theory in school, right?
And of course, wherever they’re able, Republicans continue their efforts to use the powers of state government to prevent minorities from voting…yeah, kids, if you just get rid of that critical theory stuff, nobody’ll notice you’re racist. That’ll work. Good plan.
Ron DeSantis even signed Florida’s shiny new Jim Crow bill into law in a special ceremony staged exclusively for Fux Nooz, because the path to the 2024 Republican presidential nomination runs through performative acts of white supremacist pettiness, apparently.
Since we seem to have unknowingly embarked on a tour of state-level Republican fucknuttery, we may as well swing by the land of my rearing, the great state of Kansas, where the headline, about state Rep. Mark Samsel getting arrested for kneeing a student in the groin, is merely the lid on a Pandora’s Box of helter-skelter nucking futz behavior I wouldn’t dream of spoiling here. If you click on just one Shower Cap link tonight, make it this one.
We should’ve known there was something off with this latest Arizona recount when the auditors requested a bowl of just red M&M’s with the other colors replaced by candied bath salts, but boy howdy, these weirdos have turned out to be unusually buggy even by the modern era’s shall we say “elevated” standard.
They’re looking for bamboo fibers on the ballots because, you see, the idea is that sinister Chinese operatives smuggled tens of thousands of Biden votes into Maricopa County, and just couldn’t stop themselves from rubbing bamboo all over them. One of the maniacs in charge of this episode of Shitty Orwell Theatre is a conspiracy-theory-spewing former state Representative who attended the festivities in D.C. on January 6th. At the risk of calling for intrusive government regulation, perhaps insurrectionists should be legally barred from fucking around with folks’ ballots. Just a thought.
Because what we have here is American fascism’s loyal bureaucratic footsoldiers meddling, without anything approaching adequate oversight or security, with extremely important documents from a razor-thin swing-state Presidential election, secreting god knows what viscous fluids all over them, in service to the Big Lie that incited violent insurrection just four short months ago.
Yes, the Big Lie is alive and well, and apparently it eats Cheneys. Normally I wouldn’t complain; Liz Cheney is, of course, absolutely fucking awful, and monstrously wrong on any of ten thousand issues, but we happen to see more or less eye-to-eye when it comes to the general undesirability of adopting autocracy in the United States. Eh. I’ve had stranger bedfellows.
Anyway, cancel culture has come for Liz, not over Dr. Seuss or plastic potato genitalia, but her refusal to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, to accept and spread as gospel his fascistic disinformation. Kevin McCarthy’s caucus is positively overjoyed at this chance to grovel before the golden toilet throne; they’re certainly reveling in every available opportunity to theatrically sharpen their knives ahead of Cheney’s imminent excommunication; one assumes once the ritual formalities have concluded, she’ll be dragged into the cloakroom and devoured raw by her former colleagues.
Y’know, I laughed at that guy who said he was a time traveler, because he told me the Cubs winning the World Series would set off the worst days of my life, and that watching Mitt Romney and the Cheneys get chased out of the Republican Party would fill me with worry and dread, but now I’m just mad I didn’t ask for stock tips.
Anyway, you’ve probably been hearing quite a bit about Cheney’s rapacious replacement-in-waiting, the odious Elise Stefanik, who oozes amoral ambition to a degree seldom encountered outside fable. Much has been made of Stefanik’s effortlessly oily glide from Rational Moderate to Bellowing Zealot, and folks, the ascent of power-crazed climbers utterly lacking any true core beliefs is another big part of How it Happens Here.
Speaking of the craven collaborators giddily selling America to ruin, Lindsey Graham, in joining the Cheney pile-on, admits his lost, broken party can’t move forward without their deposed Maggot King. Now, this may seem like nothing more than a well-trained dog dutifully jumping through his hoop, but Lindsey’s not wrong, and he’s not alone in realizing that four years of atrocity and lethal incompetence with nothing but blind, burning hatred offered in justification radicalized so many millions of Americans into anti-Republican activists that the “Party of Lincoln” has no choice but to burrow ever further up their Dimestore Führer’s ass, because without his demented cult of personality, they have no hope of competing with the massive opposing coalition they themselves built with their own failure and corruption and can you believe I’ve been accused of writing indecipherable run-on sentences?
Growing up, they always told me the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Having spent several recent years getting dragged against my will down said path, I can confidently state the primary building material used is in fact the Shitty Decisions of Cowardly Old White Guys.
Vaccination was going so well that we were starting to get our hopes up, but then of course we ran into the same wall of assholes that always seems to pop up whenever we try to give the public nice things, (like, y’know, the END OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PANDEMIC) so instead of herd immunity and a return to normalcy, looks like we get Covid Forever and also Cud-Brained Shitweasels Screeching About Masks and Vaccines Forever, yay.
Needless to say, Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour is the nation’s leading source of anti-vax disinformation, because apparently the whole Stochastic Terrorism Propaganda Machine shtick isn’t killing Americans quickly enough for Fish Stix Hitler’s liking.
What else? I see Caitlyn Jenner went on Hannity to reassure Republican voters she despises the homeless just as much as any other wealthy white asshole. Retail politics sure get strange in a hate cult.
Thaaaaaaaat’s about all I can handle for one week, friends. As always, I hope you’re staying safe out there…oh hey, be on the lookout for rogue plummeting rockets, I guess, as if there wasn’t enough on your plate already.