Everybody’s panic-purchasing hand sanitizer and canned goods and toilet paper, I just want to be the calming voice of reason in your life, reminding you to stock up on plenty of beer, cuz who wants to ride out a quarantine sober? My own personal emergency bunker is lined with a fine collection of IPAs pilsners, and lagers, and even a few artsty-fartsy small batch brews with raisins n’ cedar chips n’ shit…I should probably put some food in there. Anyway, let’s do the news, huh?

The Failing New York Times published a fun/horrifying little deep dive into All-Time Bottom 10 American Erik Prince’s efforts to aid the weaselly little assclowns over at Project Veritas by recruiting actual spies to infiltrate teachers’ unions and Democratic congressional campaigns and such. I’m choosing to take comfort in the fact that, Bond-villain-sinister as all this crap is, Prince’s operatives keep getting caught (which is of course how we’ve got a whole dang NYT article about ‘em), and also that they weren’t able to stop megatough freshman House Dem Abigail Spanberger from resting her shitkickin’ boots right on Eric Cantor’s old desk, so enjoy your little games, I guess, Captain Failspy.

Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo, who surely has a light schedule these days in his job as (squints) Secretary of State during an international pandemic, found time to share a jaunty little troll post on social media, poking fun at Elizabeth Warren’s famous “pinky swear” phenomenon, after she officially pulled out of the presidential primary. I get that “triggering th’libs” is pretty much all Republicans live for these days, but do they really not understand that what they’re “triggering” us into doing is donating, organizing, and ultimately, voting? It wasn’t so long ago they triggered themselves right out of their House majority, and if they’re so determined to refuse to learn this rather obvious lesson, well, I’m not in any hurry to hire ‘em a tutor, y’know?

Donnie Dotard’s favorite Scrotal Remora in that diminished caucus, Matt Gaetz, had similar trollish thoughts, it seems, posing for pictures in a gas mask right on the House floor HAW HAW HAW, and the coronavirus was apparently so triggered it killed one of Matt’s constituents a few days later. Yes, competition for the coveted Dumbest Man in Congress title is tighter than ever; long-time champ Louie Gohmert tends to let his day-to-day idiocy speak for itself, but you have to appreciate the lengths Gaetz goes to in his quest to draw attention to his roughly-equivalent-to-that-of-a-mozzarella-stick IQ.

…more on Matty G in a minute.

We don’t have enough shit on our plates this week, we’ve also gotta deal with Jim “Who Would Jesus Rob” Bakker, looking to capitalize on his rube viewers’ fears by selling ’em a fake coronavirus cure. While it’s certainly tempting to leave anyone fucking dumb enough to buy snake oil off a known felon to their fates, they’re just gonna wander into our grocery stores and stick their thumbs in the ranch dressing on the salad bar anyway, so in the end, we’ll all have to pay for their moronic choices, AS USUAL.

And yes, the coronavirus keeps on spreading, like apple butter on an English muffin that one year in college when I was really into English muffins with apple butter, enabled by our Idiot Manchild President, who continues to believe the problem will simply disappear if he just keeps shoving his head further and further up his own ass. Keep on moving, past the Big-Mac-residue-lined walls of the small intestine, Fuckhead, the answers are there someplace.

It seems a coronavirus carrier came into contact with some of the grand wizards leading lights of the modern conservative movement at CPAC, where diseased souls, rather than bodies, are the norm. So now we’ve got a real Arkham Asylum roll call of right wing poosquirts self-quarantining: Ted Cruz, Doug Collins, Paul Gosar (whose stir-craziness descended into out-and-out hallucinatory madness almost immediately), and yes, Malignant Matt Gaetz himself, hope you saved the receipt on that gas mask, bro. Since the exposure, we’ve seen Collins shaking his Turd Emperor’s hand, while Gaetz travelled with the doddering old bastard by both car and airplane. Gosh, that’s a real shame.

Word is, the rapidly-expanding outbreak has the Germaphobic Jerkoff melting down even more than usual, which is kinda like a tiny-fingered, narcissistic, volcano erupting in the middle of Chernobyl. Apparently, this unhinged loon sincerely believes journalists are intentionally infecting themselves with the coronavirus in order to then pass it onto him on Turd Force One. Hey, maybe a deranged dolt who views the press as bioweapon-wielding suicide bombers isn’t the best fellah to lead the nation during this crisis, just tossing that out there.

Also, the Treasonweasel Administration actually tried to overrule health officials who wanted to warn elderly Americans to avoid flying, since we know the virus is much more deadly for senior citizens. Folks, JAWS has been out for 45 years, and we’re still repeating Mayor Vaughn’s mistakes. When this is all over, we should gather all the victims of this moron’s ego, all the senseless, preventable, deaths sacrificed in the name of his fucking approval ratings, bury them together, build a house on top of the graveyard, and force the Trump family to live in that house forever.

The Surgeon General (I confess I didn’t know we even had one, I assumed this was just one more post filled with some “acting” dickhead Il Douche discovered shilling doomsday prep kits during the commercials on Hannity) tells us the virus is contained (it isn’t), and Dr. Ben Carson’s out there insisting there’s a secret plan to fight the disease but he can’t tell us about it because we don’t know the secret handshake. If our government put half as much effort into solving the problem as denying it exists, we might be someplace, but 80,000 Rust Belt voters decided competence was for cucks, so here we are.

Well, I’m sure it’s all ultimately much ado about very little. Hey, I see Italy is closed. Yeah, Italy. The country. It’s closed. They flipped the sign around and everything. Don’t worry, there’s probably another sovereign nation twenty miles down the highway with a pool and better porn. Anyway, the coronavirus is a hoax.

A new scientific study reveals that the surest visible identifier of a micropenis is a mediocre white dude yelling DEBATE MEEEEEEEE on television and/or the internet. I bring this up for no particular reason, why do you – oh, Don Junior said what now? Huh. You don’t say.

The one field where Dorito Mussolini, incompetent at everything else, from international trade to picking out pants that fit, truly excels is taint-punting the stock market, and he’s wearin’ steel-toed boots lately. The Dow fell 2,000 points, more than 7%, the biggest fiscal jackhammer-to-the-nutsack since 2008. Maybe the Shart of the Deal can use them negotiating skills of his of his to get his two besties, MBS and Uncle Vlad, to call off their little petroleum slapfight? LOL just kidding, we all know we’re talking about a guy who could find a way to bankrupt an ice cream cart in the Gobi Desert.

If you’re looking for a little good news to wrap yourself in, to keep warm inside that fallout shelter you started digging over the weekend, our chances of recapturing the U.S. Senate took a giant leap in the right direction with the official entry of Montana Governor Steve Bullock into the race to challenge Republican incumbent/general doo-doohead Steve Daines! STEVEBOWL 2020 IS ON, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAS!!!

Flip the Senate. Flip Mitch McConnell over on his shitty little turtle back. Watch him flail while we undo his life’s work. Smile. That’s the whole plan.

Ok, folks, take care of yourselves out there. Wash your goddamn hands. Wash your face. Basically, wash everything that comes within six feet of ya. Dogs, cats, delivery drivers…be aggressively hygienic. Sanitize strangers. (This is terrible advice, and I will not be held responsible for anyone who takes it.) Until we meet again…