Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake
Watching Republicans take control of the House of Representatives has been like looking at TikTok videos where they give sea monkeys knives and meth. Which I hope isn’t a real thing. It’s fuckin’ nutty out there, is what I’m trying to say.
Well, it took a display of buffoonish dysfunction unseen in a century, but the new MAGA majority finally managed to anoint Kevin McCarthy, who ascended to the post of Grand High Kakistocrat with a swagger most unbefitting a man who spent an entire week devouring Chip Roy’s shit on live television.
The most shocking part of the whole affair was when someone intervened to save Matt Gaetz from perhaps the most deserved whoopin’ in Washington. I would’ve thought some sort of evolutionary instinct kicks in, when the herd stumbles into an opportunity to rid itself of a tantrum-prone child molester.
But we are not dealing with bright people here. Thanks to Kev’s first-class leadering, the looniest loons in his razor-thin majority seized the power to yoke the whole party to the deranged agenda that blew up in their faces during the easiest midterms of all time, aka the GOP’s third consecutive electoral disaster.
You sort of want Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life to torment these dorks with a vision of the Congress they could’ve had, the Congress they lost by nominating telequacks and white nationalists and Some Guy Who Painted a Reality TV Character On His Lawn. It’d break their hearts; Mr. Potter makes the townsfolk take turns carrying him around on a litter, and JFK Jr. finally comes back.
You see fuckin’ McCarthy thank Trump? Jesus Christ. It’s like thanking a colon polyp. Kevin’s life is a floor, and every inch of that floor is covered in Donald Trump’s Legos, and he still cannot stop sucking on that ass. Cool leader, House Republicans.
Anyway, experts from across the ideological spectrum agree, the new majority’s inflation-fighting plan is flawless, apart from not existing. Problem-solving isn’t really these folks’ “thing.” Think of this particular branch of the federal government as a publicly-funded content farm for the Murdochs for the next two years.
They want to jump right into these hearings, y’see, because obviously, what America’s thirstiest for right now is more performative batshittery. They think all they have to do is push the Benghazi button over and over again until all their cares disappear. The belief that Donald Trump would’ve been reelected, if only more voters had seen Hunter Biden’s dong, while demented, seems both widespread and sincere.
So hearings it is, then! Insurrectionist legislators who begged for pardons two short years ago now get to “investigate the investigators,” which is every crook’s fantasy, I suppose. Gym Jordan will chair the newly-formed House Select Committee to Hopefully Disrupt Criminal Investigations Into Republican Treachery With Inane Screeching. Scott Perry apparently wants to get on that one, figuring it’s his best shot at getting his phone back.
Ok, if this is really what y’all want…send in the clowns. Paul Gosar’s certainly got a few ideas, if you’re feelin’ frisky. After your midterm washout and your 15 Speaker votes. Everything’s goin’ great, kids, keep doing what you’re doing. Go ahead, normalize Marjorie Taylor Greene, see where it gets you. Heck, why not “expunge” one of Donnie One-Term’s impeachments, that’ll get the gibbering fuckwits off.
Anyway, outside the community theatre-level show trials, the rest of the GOP platform has been transcribed directly from the peasant torture porn Rick Scott composes. They struck a mighty, populist blow for America’s wealthiest tax cheats, for example, because sometimes the oldest cons work best.
Like, at one end of the Republican Party, you’ve got the culmination of Pete Ricketts’ cartoonishly corrupt plot to purchase himself a Senate seat, and at the other sits human corncob Ben Shapiro, prudishly whinging about Dr. Dre lyrics in defense of MTG. It’s an absurd system, but it’s worked my entire life. “I’m so mad about this toy potato’s gender, I hereby DEMAND the government make my boss richer!” Well…okay, if you’re sure.
And of course it wouldn’t be a new Republican Congress without a fresh assault on reproductive rights, despite the electorate’s resounding rejection of their regressiveness. Glenn Youngkin, who bumbled by pure chance into the sole, fleeting moment of the past half decade when his party wasn’t electorally toxic, once hoped to ride a 15-week abortion ban all the way to the White House, but after a Dem flip in a special election for a state Senate seat, he’s looking more and more like just another overreaching wingnut shithead, which, coincidentally, is what he is.
Amazingly, I’m still not done documenting the stupid shit House Republicans did with their first-but-really-second week in charge. There’s the “fair tax,” and the promise of lewd gyrations come debt ceiling time, and if you really want to poke yourself in the brain, I guess you can read about the squabble over the Zelensky bust, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The serious governance is right around the corner, though.
Perhaps the most distressing trend in politics right now is the growing movement demanding George Santos’ resignation. How dare you seek to rob us of this magnificent goon? America deserves this subplot, you joyless puritans. Shit, it barely took a week to reduce him to podcasting with a pedophile; let’s find out how low this little creep can go. Both he and his party deserve this spectacle so fucking much.
I guess we should touch on the Biden docs story. Sigh. You knew the moment you saw that headline that our poor, befuddled media wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s like watching the family cat get his head stuck in a cup again. “Oh, sweetie, your poor little cat brain just can’t figure this out, can it?”
They don’t know whether to shit or go blind. “Something Joe Biden did bears superficial similarities to one of Donald Trump’s dozens of crimes*? Clearly our only option is to ignore the magnitudes of severity separating these alleged acts of wrongdoing, and treat them as perfectly equivalent scandals!”
…maybe just pushing the Benghazi button over and over again isn’t such a bad plan after all. Sssssssssssssssssigh
I see the Brazilian wing of the International Brotherhood of the Angry and Subpar staged a sad, flaccid, copycat riot of their own, which somehow failed, despite the involvement of super-successful American coup-plotters like Steve Bannon and Jason Miller. Many, if not most of the global Right’s problems stem from deference to losers, when you think about it.
Seriously, lookit the dumpsterful of used buttholes supporting this pathetic knockoff coup: Ali Alexander. Tucker Carlson. Andrew Torba. And yeah, fucking Bannon. Imagine following Steve Bannon this far past his expiration date.
Like, personally, I would not look to Steve Bannon for guidance on much of anything, but on the specific issue of using mob violence to overturn the results of an election? C’mon, man. I can’t imagine what Steve’s wheelhouse is, but we know it’s not that.
Jair himself is still chillin’ down in DeSantistan; I’m told he’s getting a mah-jongg group together with Madison Cawthorn and some of the other new kids in the neighborhood. Getting pretty freaky down in Florida, innit? I guess when you’re pitching your state as a retirement community for fashy fuckups, you pursue some wacky policies, like, say, I dunno, hypothetically, a state-sponsored, theocratic assault on a public college?
The bone-chilling deep dive of the week comes once again from the Failing New York Times, profiling Montana’s rightward drift into Christian nationalism, in the age of Greg “Remember When I Physically Assaulted a Reporter? I’m Governor Now!” Gianforte. You might wanna bookmark Jon Tester’s ActBlue page, is all I’m saying.
Good news, the Missouri House of Representatives shall ne’ermore be tarnished by the filthy, undulating, bare arms of those harlots brazen enough to flaunt them. No, they’ve instituted a brand new dress code, which “requires women’s arms to be concealed,” because Republicans aren’t afraid to tackle the tough stuff.
Seems Donald Trump does not enjoy being compared to Hitler. I mean, I wouldn’t, either. Which is one of the big reasons why I don’t act like Hitler. Which is an option. In most situations, I’d think. Not to get all cat poster on anybody, but every passing minute is another chance to stop acting like Hitler. But you have to want it.
While we’re plumbing the depths of our 45th President’s psyche, we’re told that in 2017, he concocted a plan to nuke North Korea, and blame it (the nuclear holocaust) on somebody else, (Tiffany, no doubt) a stratagem that would be dismissed as ridiculous and unrealistic on any playground in America, but just another day at the office for the visionary genius who tamed the coronavirus with bleach enemas.
Speaking of geniuses, what’s Elon Musk been up to? Reinstating conspiracy theorists’ Twitter accounts and losing more money than anyone in human history, you say? And bless his heart, he still doesn’t see the link, one hundred and eighty-two billion dollars later.
I don’t laugh out loud at a lot of headlines, but Paul Ryan Savagely Attacks ‘Proven Loser’ Trump broke me. Wow, that sounds so exciting! You’d never guess it linked to a story about a has-been milksop test-driving a couple one-liners that didn’t catch on. The only thing Paul Ryan ever savagely attacked in his whole life, by the way, was his own dignity.
Former Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to prison this week, as was mewling white supremacist gadfly Baked Alaska. So you see, things fit rather snugly on that Ricketts/Shapiro scale I proposed a few paragraphs back.
I missed it last week, but John Bolton and/or the genocidal mustache-shaped gremlin symbiotically attached to his upper lip are officially running for President. Some poor rookie political reporter is gonna get stuck covering Bolton rallies in Iowa, and they’re not even gonna get any good stories out of it.
Look, I don’t want to keep you, I know you have your orders, from Fauci, to confiscate your Real Murican neighbors’ gas stoves, and replace them with Obama Ovens™️, which run on turds harvested from furry kids’ litter boxes at woke public schools. Surprisingly clean energy source, furry kids’ turds. Science is amazing.
After this latest reshuffling of his top brass, I bet Putin’s got the deck chairs juuuuuuust how he likes ‘em, but the iceberg’s getting tanks now, so I don’t think he’s out of the woods just yet. How the iceberg wound up in the woods is a matter for another night, and a better writer.
A more sober one, anyway. The beer fridge overfloweth, thanks to the generosity of the readership, and I remain humbled and thankful. So y’all stay safe out there, and we’ll do this again next week.