Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness
Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women’s health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into paste, but mine scabbed over years ago.
So I guess we’re jumping right into the manufactured debt ceiling crisis. Welp, it’s leaderin’ time, Speaker McCarthy, let’s see what you got. Looks like we’re gonna do the thing where Chip Roy and his idiot buddies get an eight ball and play chicken with the global economy until Kevin takes the keys away, that’ll be fun to live through.
Especially since Kev has to run everything by Marj first. Yes, riding a wave of momentum after holding fifteen times as many speakership votes as that bum Pelosi ever allowed, the House’s mad new masters passed out committee assignments this week, and my god, they’re actually going to try to govern the country with these yahoos.
The makeup of the Republican side of the House Oversight Committee is…howling lunacy. A roster drawn straight from a roadside freak show in some 50’s exploitation flick, or maybe even the Troma remake. Gosar. Boebert. Taylor Greene. Perry. What the fuck are you thinking, Kevin?
Folks, Paul Gosar is a scary dude. A scary dude in clown shoes, yes, but an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments in the first place for inciting political violence. Why do you want an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments for inciting political violence conducting oversight of the federal government? Why is that desirable, for either the nation or your party?
He’s also completely nuts, and creepy as hell to boot. Like, just from a casting perspective, I’m not sure why you want the “doctor brought in to torture James Bond” type represented on your team during your little Hunter Biden show. Well, when he decides to use the national platform you gave him to rant about the “great replacement,” don’t come crying to me.
Plus, you want MTG and Boebert dueling for attention in front of live cameras, as they frolic through this blossoming, TMZ-for-fashy-dweebs feud? They’re already fighting in the bathroom, you hapless goon, how do you imagine this is going to work out for you? If any of this shit actually worked, you’d be coordinating legislation with the offices of Senators Walker, Masters, and Bolduc right now, but you’re not, ARE YOU?
Marjorie will also be bringing her rich expertise on the threat posed by Jewish space lasers to the Homeland Security Committee, where she plans on acting as an instrument of God’s “vengeance,” and everything’s so healthy and normal, I don’t know why I even bother blogging anymore.
Anyway, with the more garish ghouls drawing the spotlight, it was barely noted that Scott Perry was also named to Oversight, and he’s the dangerous one, folks. The FBI wouldn’t seize the cellphone of a sitting U.S. Congressman without serious reason to believe that phone contained evidence of substantial fuckery, and anyone who tells you different is probably trying to sell you horse dewormer.
Boy, this George Santos character jumped the shark in a hurry, huh? I was really into his zany antics at first, but now he feels like a dumping ground for all the writers’ room’s weirdest ideas. Like, he was a drag queen who lied about his mom dying on 9/11 and he stole money from a disabled veteran’s dying dog? You’re just insulting my intelligence at this point.
…but House Republicans need his vote, (for what, they couldn’t tell you) so what’s one more con man excused and enabled, more or less? And sure, fine. All I’m saying is, if you absolutely insist on defending this sorry shitbird, we get to play the video at your funeral.
Anyway, as squirrel poop nutty as things are in Washington, it’s the states that’re the true laboratories of kakistocracy. In North Dakota, some unfathomable numbnuts called “David Clemens” wants to pass a law imposing a $1,500 fine for using a transgender person’s preferred pronouns, because Republicans believe that government is where the angriest idiots go to tell the rest of us what we’re allowed to think.
The high priests of DeSantistan issued their latest edict, proclaiming an AP African American Studies course anathematic, on the grounds that it “significantly lacks educational value.” In Missouri, they’re dreaming of patriotism boot camps for public school teachers, and golly doesn’t that sound like the kind of dream George Orwell might have after an evening of pizza rolls and boxed wine? And then there’s this one:
Ahead of the opening of the Texas state legislature last week, Republican state Sen. Bob Hall introduced a bill to mandate that food containing “human fetal tissue” be “clearly and conspicuously labeled.”
My god, what an insane thing to do. To not just rant from a barstool, but file a whole-ass piece of legislation? Such demented industry. Better than attacking an FBI office with a nail gun, I suppose. Incidentally, I love that it’s about labeling, not banning this aborted fetus trail mix that exists only in Bob Hall’s mind. A+ wingnut shitfit.
In an intellectual joust sure to be remembered alongside the Lincoln-Douglas debates, Chuck Todd and Ron Johnson did strive ‘gainst one another, as twin colossi astride the nation’s discourse, and surely any attempt to transcribe the substance here would fail most pitifully; these men are simply beyond mortals such as we. O how the ground doth tremble when titans clash; ‘tis said Hummel figurines fell from mantel displays as far away as Wilkes-Barre.
Warmest congratulations to every huckster consultant who pulls a paycheck out of the Pennsylvania GOP’s big postmortem project. I’m totally applying for that gig. Anything beyond an envelope containing one photograph of Doug Mastriano and one of Dr. Oz, maybe one of the jackass who endorsed ‘em both, would be counterproductive, and if you need assistance figuring that out, you deserve to be parted from your money.
Fox News seems curiously uninterested in covering this week’s MAGA Republican Candidate is Actual Terrorist story, likely because they haven’t quite figured out how to pin Solomon Peña’s crimes on antifa. Anyway, they’re far too busy driving the next wave of Solomon Peñas insane.
Tucker Carlson has apparently decided to rehabilitate Dick Nixon, as some kind of warrior against th’deep state, while simultaneously hailing the restoration of the freedom to smoke indoors in congressional offices as a second Yorktown, and look, I enjoy the inane grievances of the mediocre as much as the next fellow, but I bet you’d be happier if you changed the channel.
Like, when you find yourself snickering along with Ben Shapiro’s skeevy prison rape fantasies, do you even notice what you’ve done to yourself, or do you just wait for another celebrity to die so you can join the ritual freakout and shriek about vaccines until sleep takes you?
I’m embarrassed even typing this, but Mike Huckabee appears to’ve published a children’s book about renowned human trafficker Ronald Dion DeSantis. Mark it down, folks; in, oh, say 15-20 years, you’ll start noticing this thing in the background every time a tabloid news show gains access to a serial killer’s apartment. Clown wig, jar of human teeth, and The Kids Guide to Ron DeSantis. “Again?” you’ll say to yourself, “what an odd coincidence.”
In the face of financial sanctions over his frivolous lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, wee Donnie One-Term withdrew a similar suit targeting New York Attorney General Letitia James, because I guess somebody’s not generating enough NFT money to fund all his favorite charades anymore. Those million-dollar fines can pile up in a hurry, when you’re the biggest loser in human history in the middle of his “and fall” phase.
Even the evangelicals are scuttling off the ship now, such is the loserstench emanating from the captain’s cabin. Seems like only yesterday they were laying their idolatrous hands on you, and you were jealous, because their fingers were all so normal-sized, anyway, I’m sure we’ll be treated to plenty of mewling about “disloyalty” as the pavement approaches. Good.
Well, gloat if you like, but if you triggered libtards were honest with yourselves, you’d admit you’re just jealous of Donald Trump’s awesome folder collection. Oh, and I will not be composing a joke about the E. Jean Carroll/Marla Maples story, because life is too goddamn short to spend contemplating a stunted pervert’s sexual psychoses.
Actually, I think we’ve all suffered enough for one week. I better stock the beer fridge before the Freedom Caucus gets too frisky…just in case. You stay safe out there, m‘lovelies.
Any progress on that fuckable footwear, by the way? No? Ah, well. Someday…someday.