Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Mummy, the Indictment Fairy Came BACK!
Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And they would, of course. They’re idiots.
Lookit Mark Levin. Like a cyst about to burst. Because Donald Trump wasn’t allowed to steal national defense secrets. I think Clay Higgins needs a wellness check, by the way. I believe I saw Andy Biggs digging a trench.
Yes, despite the best efforts of the pool boy, Donnie One-Term made history as the first former President to face federal charges, because he stole a bunch of classified shit and refused to give it back, which is against the law for all sorts of good reasons.
37 counts in all. Violations of the Espionage Act. Conspiracy to obstruct justice. 31 counts of willful retention of national defense information. These are not small crimes.
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but stealing is still illegal. You know how you’re not allowed to take gum from the grocery store? It might be helpful to think of nuclear secrets as really special, important gum.
They obtained a warrant, and raided his house, where they found a bunch of stolen documents. They obtained his former lawyer’s notes through the crime-fraud exception to attorney-client privilege. They’ve got testimony from everybody from Meadows to the Mar-a-Lago Secret Service detail.
The closest thing he had to a defense was pretending to believe he had the power to declassify stuff with his mind, (well, he did pass that one cognitive test) but it turns out there’s even a recording of the doofus trying to impress people with his rad classified document collection.
All I’m saying is, for a deep state hoax perpetrated to distract the public from Hunter Biden’s plot to fill all the furry kid litter boxes with rainbow fentanyl, they certainly did their homework.
Walt Nauta, the Dotard’s adorable teen sidekick, got indicted, too, for conspiracy to obstruct justice. Which, yeah, is about what you’d think would happen when you conceal subpoenaed documents from the government and lie about it.
Oh, and couple more lawyers quit. Which opens up some intriguing possibilities. MAH GOD, THAT’S RUDY GIULIANI’S MUSIC!
Now, if I were looking to pry my political party from the suicidal clutches of a loser death cult, this would seem like a golden opportunity to finally stand tall, and proclaim, in clear, ringing tones, “Perhaps the fellow who commits crimes all the time shouldn’t be in charge,” but the GOP only has the one spine to pass around, and Willard’s hogging it.
Ken Buck’s right, though, when he says all this law enforcement gives Trump “credibility” with the fash-curious Republican base. Yes, Ken, your party rewards crime and lionizes criminals. Your mom must be proud.
Can you dorks just take the fucking off-ramp? At long last?
No, somehow the consensus remains that only the mob-inciting sex criminal who stole “information regarding defense and weapons capabilities of both the US and foreign countries, US nuclear programs, potential vulnerabilities of the US and its allies to military attack” will do. As President of the United States.
Anyway, there’s still Fani Willis to hear from yet. Plus Jack Smith’s investigation into January 6th, which has progressed to the point where investigators are willing to risk physical proximity to Steve Bannon, a step few take lightly.
Kevin McCarthy not only fucked up a procedural rules vote that hasn’t been fucked up in more than twenty years, but in the process of fucking it up, managed to lose control of the House floor to eleven colicky Freedom Caucusers. Gave up, cancelled votes for the week, went home. Right now, Chip Roy is swinging from a chandelier, while Matt Gaetz rubs his butt on all the desks.
Kevin covered himself in all this glory, by the way, over a trolly messaging bill destined to be laughed out of the Senate, granting full citizenship rights to gas stoves or some shit. What this means for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill mandating clearly defined and labeled genitalia on all Potato Head products is anybody’s guess.
Just prior to this debacle, McCarthy’s old colleague Mick Mulvaney published a column titled “Is Kevin McCarthy just really that good at his job?” Well. Asked and answered.
An indeterminate number of stale marshmallow Peeps officially entered the Republican presidential primary this week. Pence managed to get through a town hall without anybody building a gallows, so he’s surpassing expectations. The fantasy of Chris Christie as some sort of tragically heroic suicide bomber persists. And did you know that North Dakota has its very own governor?
Elsewhere in the field, Nikki Haley promised not to execute women who have abortions. RINO.
Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis is still cruising to victory…inside Rich Lowry’s head, anyway. Ron actually had his best week in months, primarily because he failed to draw much attention to himself, beyond defending his opponent’s many crimes, and sharing “apparent AI-generated fake images of Trump and Fauci” on Twitter. Impressive man.
Congratulations, Alabama, your congressional gerrymander was too racist for John Roberts. That’s like the Mendoza Line for institutional white supremacy, by the way. Remember when Jeff Sessions was too racist to be a judge? And then Alabama elected him to the Senate for decades? Yeah, that’s why we need a Voting Rights Act, John.
Clarence Thomas needs more time to finish his homework assignment, America. When an oligarch finances so much of your extravagant lifestyle, you can’t be expected to total up the receipts overnight, can you? Plus, a bunch of stuff is technically on loan from Harlan’s private Hitler collection.
The feminized liberal nanny state says smoke inhalation is bad for you, but thanks to my ivermectin-fortified constitution and the Manhood™️ bestowed upon me by the certificate of completion at the end of Josh Hawley’s book, I understand my God-given right to fill my lungs with ash. I march tomorrow, under General Pirro, into battle ‘gainst the invading Canadian air. Courage, mom.
Apparently, one of Jim Jordan’s FBI “whistleblowers” was suspended for leaking sensitive information to Project Veritas. I’m sure this “one-eyed mole” that’s got Jesse Watters and Anna Paulina Luna all hot n’ bothered is totally legit, though.
Tucker Carlson spared no expense for his big return to the right-wing rage-o-sphere, poaching the set designer from the fanciest community theatre in town, you know, Jody, who does all the Neil Simon shows at the high school. Definitely not Marty, that pretentious hack who butchered Fiddler at theatre in the park last summer.
Take some pride in your work, man. You’re embarrassing your partners in Russian state media.
Ah, but now Fox says Tucker breached his contract! Enough foreplay, rip each other to bits, you evil fucks. Tucker n’ Elon vs. the Murdochs, for the rotten hearts and rigorously laundered minds of the most bilkable rubes that e’er drew breath. Gonna be one uuuuuuuuuugly little fight.
I’m all for it. I am the wingnut circular firing squad’s hottest cheerleader. Bannon and MTG are feuding? What a marvelous idea. Everybody take sides and start making bomb threats.
A DNA test cleared professional wrestler “Sweet” Stan Lane of the slanderous allegation that his genetic material was responsible for Lauren Boebert’s defective brain. Lane expressed relief that his restored reputation could once again rest on all the terrible, terrible things he used to do to Ricky Morton.
Kari Lake released a “protest song” called 81 Million Votes, My Ass, easily the carniest act yet of her carnier-all-the-time decline period. I just bought a ticket to the parking lot behind CPAC 2028 so I can watch Kari bite the heads off chickens.
I gotta get offline before I find out one of my beloved high school English teachers turned into a Proud Boy den mother. Fuck. I require several beers. You stay safe out there, friends. Gonna be a wild ride.