- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Friends, It’s Time For a Break
Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes.
Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted LARPers who refuse to go home and shower, life in these United States remains dangerous in all sorts of dumb, irritating ways.
It’s hard to watch a cut-rate carny like Kari Lake do her carny damndest to incite mob violence without resenting the sheer mediocrity of this fucking movement, isn’t it?
GO HOME AND SHOWER, YOU DORKS. You’ve been sweating farm-grade ivermectin into your cosplay headdresses for seven years now, and you smell weird. I get that you’re upset about the indictments, but it’s not my fault the nincompoop you chose to worship turned out to be such an inept criminal. The warning signs were always there, y’know.
Off-Brand Orbán kicked off his defense as any innocent man would: by feeding the prosecutor’s wife’s name to his loyal murder mob. Made sure to take care of that before tending to insignificant details like replacing the lawyers who quit upon discovering he’d lied to them about the whole “stealing classified intelligence” thing.
See, the lawyers weren’t telling him what he wanted to hear, (in this case, “well of course secret war plans are your personal property!”) so he went in search of something vaguely lawyer-shaped that would, and he found Tom Fitton. Tom has a B.A. in English and some zany misapprehensions about the Presidential Records Act, so I bet he’ll fit right in at Sidney Powell’s weekly poker game.
Anyway, the Dotard celebrated this latest round of felony charges by skipping out on the check after tricking some of his most faithful followers into thinking he’d pay for their lunch. Hey, if you’re still falling for this crap at this late date, you don’t deserve lunch.
Of course, Joe Biden’s done tons of stuff that’s way worse than hiding stolen defense secrets in the bathroom where Eric touches himself to anime porn. And while Chuck Grassley and James Comer can’t technically back up their wild allegations with anything you’d call “evidence” per se, they’ll be launching impeachment proceedings just as soon as they hear back from this one guy who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who read it on a bathroom stall door in the Pizzagate restaurant basement.
Joe’s perpetratin’ all sorts of tyrannies, actually, including, as Ted Cruz notes, “murdering children dressed as the devil under a full moon while singing Pat Benatar.” Noot Gingrich blew the whistle on the Biden Administration plot to “force every American to drink Bud light and shop at Target,” while Ben Shapiro obtained a leaked copy of draft legislation that would replace grade school math and reading with “Bert and Ernie in assless chaps in the Sesame Street pride parade.”
Chaps are inherently assless, Ben. It’s like saying ATM machine.
DeSantistan Attorney General Ashley Moody says, “I believe at this point the Biden administration is coordinating with the cartels,” no doubt to clandestinely smuggle the missing ass portion of the chaps for some nefarious, grooming-related activity.
Ronward himself vowed to rename some military bases after dead losers, looking to pander to the MAGA base, which is comprised entirely of future dead losers.
Asa Hutchinson asked the RNC to kindly add a Does Not Apply to Convicted Felons, Obviously addendum to the loyalty pledge you have to sign to get on the primary debate stage, and the RNC said, “lol what part of ‘suicide pact’ is unclear to you, bro?”
The Republican Party appreciates your concern, Asa, but they’re not quite done debasing themselves on behalf of this particular game show host. From Jim Jordan to Lil’ Marco to Lindsey Graham to…to…
…and it was here, my friends, as I was trying to craft a gag that would pair with a link to Tom Nichols’ latest evisceration of J.D. Vance, that I got hit with what I’m fairly certain was a real motherfucker of an anxiety attack.
Had ‘em before, but never the feels-like-a-heart-attack variety, so I freaked the fuck out and went to the hospital, hence the lack of a Friday nite post. Womp womp. They assured me nothing’s seriously wrong, and we’re doing some more tests next week.
Anyway, in the waiting room, I’m scrolling through Twitter, and I see Jesse Watters is trending, for, it turns out, a casually dehumanizing diatribe targeting the homeless, and it occurs to me that maybe pouring evil into my skull 24/7 isn’t the healthiest choice.
Folks, I need a break. I’ve been feeling burned out for some time now, but I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself about the toll seven years of this shit has taken on me. I need to unplug for a bit. Smell some flowers. Spend a few summer evenings in my favorite Chicago beer gardens, talking about anything but the latest turd to fall from Marjorie Taylor Greene’s mouth.
How long a break? I dunno. Off the top off my head, Labor Day seems like a good target. Gonna percolate on it for a spell. I will let you know.
I don’t say it as often as I should, but I appreciate the hell out of everyone who’s supported this blog over the years. You changed my life. Saved it, probably. I stumbled into this thing backwards, just as I was coming to grips with the fact that my theatre degree was not, as I initially believed, a one-way ticket to fame and fortune.
Anyway, I’m grateful. Thank you. I will be back, recharged and rejuvenated. Until then, as ever, you stay safe out there, my friends.
PS – In the interest of completeness, here’re some links to stories I wasn’t able to write jokes for, thanks to my stupid brain chemistry:
E. Jean Carroll can pursue $10 million lawsuit against Trump, judge says
Why a South Carolina high school decided to censor Ta-Nehisi Coates
Incidentally, if your kink happens to be Berlusconi obits that double as think pieces about the roots of Trumpism, I imagine every wall in your house is sticky right now.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Well, fuck. Can’t say as I blame ya, but I’m gonna miss your weekly commentaries. We helped each other stay sane inside insanity. Have a good break, and we’ll be waiting for your return!
We’ll miss you Cap, and wish you a restful and happier Summer. Come back only if and when you feel ready. Meanwhile, to amuse myself, I’m making pipe cleaner sculptures of Chuck Todd and Kari Lake 69ing.
That was funny. Thanks
Well, Cap, I have to say that I have never met a funnier writer, a political writer. Yes, the stupidity and danger of the Turd Reigh is abysmal. Take your time and recover; we’ll be here when you get better.
I had an anxiety attack when I was around 40 years old. I swore I was having a heart attack. But in the end, it was unrealized stress. Valium saved me that day.
I had a nasty similar thing not that long ago; didn’t have Valium, but good friends to help me out and get me to their hospital, just in case.
Got a slightly smaller anxiety attack when the bill from the ECG came through later… 😉
Take care, Cap! We’ll miss you, but you do what you gotta do to get through this and come back to us. 🙂
Enjoy your well deserved break from the insanity. And hopefully you can take enough of a media blackout break to reduce your anxiety and feel much healthier and rejuvenated whenever you feel it’s right to doing these brilliant blogs that all of us fans thoroughly enjoy. Take care and get well soon.
Cap, you’ve carried so much for so long. I marvel at how you find the wherewithal to articulate the absurdity of our current politics with such searing insight and humor. Your blog has often been the only source of laughter my husband and I had during the darkest days of Mango Mussolini’s reign. Thank you for everything–you’re a treasure. Now, go take good care of yourself. We’ll be right here.
Rest, friend. You’ve earned it.
Thank you for keeping us sane and laughing at this crap.
But now it’s time to take care of yourself.
Thanks Cap. You are good.
I’ve always been amazed at how you’re able to keep up with all the shit going on, and to be able to reflect on it with humor and wit week after week. It does wear you down after a while, so take a break, smell some roses, quaff a few frosty beverages, and we’ll all be here when you return. We all thank you for keeping us sane in these insane times!
Be well, get rest3d and come back when you’re ready. We’ll miss you in the meantime.
Take five, Cap. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. Take care of yourself and we look forward to seeing you down the road.
‘
CAP, sounds like great time to take a break and hang out in the garden a bit more if you have one/are so inclined. (I say this from my own garden as I admire the poppies, iris, early lilies and so much green. And birds, chipmunks and squirrels, (all Extremely respectful of the sanctuary herein) whatever you need to take good care.
Take care of yourself, and have a peaceful summer!
Take five, Cap. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. You take care of you and we look forward to seeing you down the road.
Good health comes first Cap. The best to you as you navigate the path forward. I’m almost unbelieving that the GOP hasn’t learned a g-damned thing by following Trump around in their subservience. Seven years of his criminal behavior since he fell onto the scene, indictments coming out his ass and not three republicans have stood in his way as he tries to kill our democracy. Vote democrat to save children’s lives against the gun insanity and every woman’s right to choose going forward. The GOP has no interest in a solution for both faux pas. Rest and strength to you Cap.
I will miss you but l get it. Anxiety/panic attacks are no fun, especially the heart-slamming, l think I’m dying at any second variety, but they warn us to slow down the way anything else seldom will. So regroup and know that we’ll all be waiting for you when you return from your well earned hiatus (a term oft used in the entertainment industry). Take good care of yourself in the meantime. –Cynthia
Take care Cap.
Every Friday I look for your commentary to make me laugh about unfunny, scary shit. Take as much time as you need to get to where the world makes some kind of sense, or at least to where you can tolerate the batshit crazy. We’ll be waiting.
I was bummed when I realized I missed your Friday drop and then I saw this today… You have to take care of yourself and we’ll be here when your rested and sorted out.
It’s so hard to stay calm and relaxed when morons are running around doing stupid shit all the time because they’re the only ones that think they know the truth…
I wish you a restful time of peace free from worrying about keeping the rest of us informed and laughing (in pain) at your remarkable observations. God, I’ll miss you, but it’s past time for you to take care of #1.
Lifes a journey not the destination! Have a great break! We appreciate you!
Seven years of this! My dude, however did you manage? I know a few folks that have gotten physically ill from the unending fire hose of shit that’s been dousing our world since, well, you know since when. Smell a lot of roses and spoil yourself. You will be missed, for sure, but you’ve earned a very big break. Get the stress out…it kills.
Oh, man, Cap, take the break. You have been a godsend for so many years. A safe and sane (mostly) place to laugh and get a different perspective. And maybe get the energy to go back out there. You’re time to get that brain-time off. I sincerely hope you are back in the fall, but if not keep laughing or at least trying to find a punch line in some truly awful stories. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Be well.
Well, Cap, sorry to hear you’ll be absent, but you gotta do what you gotta do to stay sane these days. And I bet the beer will taste way better without the pressure of digesting all the daily crap you do to produce your wonderful blog. Stay cool, my friend. Pet some cats. Eat some good food. Sit outside in the sun and do absolutely nothing. Those lovely IPAs aren’t going to drink themselves, ya know.
Hey, maybe a road trip!
Love ya, Cap. Look forward to your return when you feel you are ready. Take care of yourself.
Good thinking, Capster; your body is telling you to take a break. Look forward to yer refreshed return. Enjoy yer summer!
God bless you. I too get anxiety, depression, and rage from the heartless, evil, pigfuckerry that is maga. Take a break. You deserve it. You are a great man Cap. If you can’t harpoon ’em lampoon ’em! !!
Yes, this 7 years has taken its toll on you and countless others. Please, take care of yourself. You are appreciated. You have helped me get through this fiasco. Relax, do what the doc says. I’ll be here anxiously awaiting your return. Thank you. All the best for a speedy recovery.
Dear Cap, we love you. Please take good care of yourself. Rest, rejuvenate, get outside, hang out with dogs and cats, spend time with friends/loved ones, soak in the beauty of the world. Breathe.
We’ve all been immersed too long (feels like centuries) in the orange stink and the cruelty of him and his enablers. It’s a good time for a break.
You know how grateful I am for your brilliant posts, and if you find you do want to return to them later, wonderful. Please also grant yourself the freedom to let them go. During your break you may find something(s) else. You come first. Your healing comes first. We love you.
P.S. THANK YOU!
You went without a break longer than most would have thought possible. You will be missed.
Cap, you are a treasure. I’ll miss you but I’m glad you’re switching gears and taking some time off. Wishing you healing and all the best going forward, whatever that looks like!
You deserve a break from the mess our current political system is in. I have had anxiety and nightmares myself. What I find most frustrating is not being able to do anything about it. Take care of yourself and thank you for the great work you have done.
No, Cap, my friend, it is WE who are grateful! I totally get the need to take a step back from this maddening shit. The longer you marinate in it, the more you risk becoming just like ‘them’. Please take all the time you need. Unfortunately, the silly shits will still be there when you get back.
I’ve enjoyed reading your take on things for a while, and I look forward to seeing your post every week. You’ve got to take care of yourself and do a news detox. Just drink beer and don’t worry ’bout a ting.
GAD is a bitch and I believe America is suffering from it on a sweeping, group-insanity level. My first panic attack hit while driving, a real chest grabber. Kept driving like a jerk for about ten miles thinking ‘wtf?’
You will find balance, and it may surprise you. Be healthy Cap and really listen to your therapist…
Well, having waited anxiously every week for your screed, all I will say is, whenever your medical issues are over, I and many other fans will wish you a fast recovery, and look forward to you next missive, whenever the may be.
Glad you are going to take care of yourself. Thank you for your invaluable and very entertaining service in the past seven years.
be sure to plenty of beer, but not too much.. don’t want ur brain goin soft…just keep a notepad handy for some new titles and nicknames for the upcoming battle assignments in the civil war of words and proxies.
CAP you’re a treasure and you’ve more than earned a well deserved break keeping us sane through you’re wit. Get out count flower petals, knit caps for ducks, pet the neighborhood cats and just rest. We’re going to miss you but you’re health is important. We’re grateful for everything !
Sometimes I have to take a break too and watch another rerun of Law & Order. The violence on that show doesn’t come close to what’s happening for real in America. The comments from others above are all so true…you will be missed as much as you’re cherished. So, be well, recover quickly, pet a cat and throw balls for your dog along with smelling the roses. They all help. And everyone in America needs help right now. You’ve given help, now take time to get some for yourself. But, please come back when you’re ready. You are a gem among so many rocks. Be well.
I totally understand, Cap. You deserve a break, and I hope your summer includes many visits to Chicago beer gardens…some of my favorite places in the Midwest. Your absence will make my Friday evenings a lot less interesting, and I look forward to your return.
I used to get anxiety attacks every seven years, starting at age 7 (weird, I know), usually in the middle of the night. Then I saw a shrink who helped me get over some damaging emotions like anger and resentment. I haven’t had an attack since then, knock on wood. We’re all here to learn, and to serve others, mostly. You have done SO WELL on that second item. You have helped thousands of us cope with living in the dumpster fire that is America. It wasn’t always a dumpster fire, right? That reminds me of another image I think of when I see your posts. You are a patriot, my friend, you truly are. The patriot I think of is Paul Revere. Only you have a keyboard instead of a horse, and you call out the lies and deceits in addition to warnings (Paul had it easier). God Bless You for helping so many of us. You deserve to heal and find peace AWAY from the troglodytes and orcs you’ve had to read about and comment on for seven years. And the rest of us are better for your work. And we are all looking forward to your return. (((Showercap))) PS: Get yourself to a meadow to read to a horse (like in “Sea Biscuit” the movie).
I used to get anxiety attacks every seven years, starting at age 7 (weird, I know), usually in the middle of the night. Then I saw a shrink who helped me get over some damaging emotions like anger and resentment. I haven’t had an attack since then, knock on wood. We’re all here to learn, and to serve others, mostly. You have done SO WELL on that second item. You have helped thousands of us cope with living in the dumpster fire that is America. It wasn’t always a dumpster fire, right? That reminds me of another image I think of when I see your posts. You are a patriot, my friend, you truly are. The patriot I think of is Paul Revere. Only you have a keyboard instead of a horse, and you call out the lies and deceits in addition to warnings (Paul had it easier). God Bless You for helping so many of us. You deserve to heal and find peace AWAY from the troglodytes and orcs you’ve had to read about and comment on for seven years. And the rest of us are better for your work. And we are all looking forward to your return. PS: Get yourself to a meadow to read to a horse (like in “Sea Biscuit” the movie).
You will be missed. I love you, take care of yourself.
I know what you mean. Except for the anxiety attack, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the shitload of negativity and stupidity freely flowing in this country. I’ve started backing away from the total immersion in news sources. It’s just too hard to take anymore. I’m keeping an ear to the ground, don’t want to be totally out of touch, but OMG! How much more of this insanity do we have to take? Have a good rest and recovery, SC. We’re with you.
Panic attacks are no joke- I’m glad you’re taking a break- this shit is just overwhelming. Your jokes and sarcasm have made it bearable for me- going to bed on a Friday night after another shitty week with a smile on my face? That’s a priceless skill. Whatever you choose to do with it moving forward I say thank you for your service for these past years- take care of yourself
Take care of yourself, Cap. We need you too much. You have a nice break, spend an incredible summer NOT thinking about the asshats trying to turn the US into the next fascist country. We’ll hold the fort for you. See you in September. (Hey, isn’t there a song about that…seeing you in September. Great, now I’ll have to look it up, and then I’ll have an earworm…Geez…how do you deal with all this shyte?)
Thanks for all you do, Cap, sincerely. You go places I can’t go, to make sure I know what the dipwads are doing. (Forewarned is forearmed, or so they say!)
I’ll be thinking of you, and though I’m not a beer drinker, I’ll hoist a glass to you. You take care of you, like I said, we need you.
Look after yourself Cap , Been there myself and know life looks better after a spell in the sunshine ust staring into the middle distance with a cold beer..much love from across the pond xx
I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way; and imagining you doing some inspiring art work. IF that is healing and peaceful to you.
Hi, Cap. Just sent you a bit of wherewithall to help you stay a little longer in the beer garden before being asked to leave. One suggestion – place the Buy Cap a Beer at the top of the page, it may well save some of us from an episode of carpel tunnel syndrome from paging down to get to the donate button.
Three months will seem like a century, but I can’t begrudge you a good rest. Your health comes first. See you in September.
AMEN TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!!
Checked the comment from your other readers and realized that I probably can’t add much of any thoughts that haven’t already been expressed (save one, and I don’t want to suggest it, but I will). Writing to a deadline is uniquely stressful, your topic is stressful, and being self employed is stressful. Chill, knock around a bit, find things that do a good job of washing out the stress, come back when you’re ready, or even pass the chore on to someone else, accept a fee for hiring out your creation, and find a new task that suits you better. There’s no shame in moving on if it’s time to move on.
Yes, I hate myself for bringing that last suggestion up; Shower Cap’s Blog would not be the same without you, but if your business and health situation requires it, it’s better to save you than your creation. Recall the great Renaissance artists who had many assistants, all working under the Master’s eye. If necessary, that Master’s eye could be yours, you could edit input from your assistants and the Blog could continue with less stress for you.
Be well and enjoy your rest! I’ll miss your weekly wisdom.The crazy times we live in can get to anyone with more than two functioning brain cells. Take care!
Please, please do take care of yourself. My reason is selfish: In this insane world, you help keep me sane. Now it’s time to keep yourself sane and healthy. I know you know I love you, but I’m saying it anyway—I love you. You are a gem. Drink a beer, watch some sunsets, and get some sleep.
Never wrote here before, usually not my thing to write anything anywhere on the internet. Like, never been on Facebook or other social media.
But I have to echo the thanks and appreciation of the other commenters before me.
To me, you are brilliant. I’ve passed your site on to friends, and kind of backed off a little from those who chose not to follow you weekly. Kinda joking, kinda not.
Anyway, man-you are Better Call Saul great. You’re Letterkenny great. You’re Jim Gaffigan great.
My favorite things? The Ramones, the Grateful Dead, Charles Bukowski, and Shower Cap.
Like others I panicked a little this morning when your missive wasn’t in my inbox. I’m gonna miss you.
I had an anxiety attack after Roe V. Wade was overturned, spent sleepless nights thinking about Trump appointing three justices, and ended up on some antidepressant called Lexapro.
We’re in the shit.
But thanks, thanks thanks and more thanks.
If I can send you a check for beer let me know where to send it. I never used Venmo or the like. I did buy all your comic books a while back, some kind of deluxe package, in order to get a little $ to you for your contributions to making all our lives richer. It was the very least I could do.
Enjoy this break. Hoo boy do you deserve it.
I really have nothing to add except my best wishes for a successful, enjoyable, and relaxing break from the madness. I don’t know how you’ve been able to stomach the rightwing bullshit for seven interminable years without going nuts. I think it’s very wise of you to step away before you have serious health/mental problems. We have been drowning in violence, negativity, lies, and cruelty for so long I think it’s affecting all of us, but you have really been in the thick of it. Thank you, thank you, for reading or watching all this miserable spew so I don’t have to. For a complete change of pace, in addition to drinking beer in your garden, I suggest you look up “Kitten Cam” run by Michael Sheldrake and watch the litter of kittens and their mom he’s currently fostering. You can spend time with Ladybug, Firefly, Roly Poly, Worm, and Honeybee, who are far more fun and much much cuter than any GOPer you can imagine. Have a wonderful break; we’ll try to hold the fort for you.
Take good care of yourself ‘Cap. I can understand what you’re feeling. I’m pretty much there myself, and I’m nowhere close to dug in as deep as you are.
Hopefully, we’ll see you back in due course.
For what it’s worth, you have my admiration for all the work you’ve put into recording our national madness, and how effective you’ve been.
Your weekly blogs have been consistently superb, much anticipated, and much appreciated. There are mainstream news organizations that haven’t been able to match their quality or your sharp observations.
All the best. I hope you’ll be able to decompress.
Rest well. You certainly deserve it. I have enjoyed your blog immensely. Do whatever you need to do.
Cap, we all love you, and you’ve shown super-human stamina in this time of mass psychosis.
Burnout isn’t trivial; if it doesn’t kill your body, it can still kill your spirit. I hope that you can come back, but if you realize that you’re through with being a circuit breaker, I think we will all understand.
Take care of yourself! You have done God’s work.
Love you, Cap. Relax. Come back when and if you feel like it, and you’ll be welcomed with open arms.
Take as much time as you need to get yourself feeling better! You’ve been an incredible help during the drumpftastrophe that has taken over this country since 2016. Thank you! I sincerely hope you are able to return to your blog sooner rather than later because you make me laugh at the bad stuff. Laughter is good medicine. Sending you tons of positive vibes and Thanks!
Go to the beach, go fishing, read those books you’ve always meant to read, reconnect with your friends, do some star gazing, listen to your favorite music. In short be kind to yourself, in fact pamper yourself.
We’ll be fine. We’ll miss you, but we can always read again your blasts from the past.
Later ‘gator.
Wow, I guess we all agree that you are wonderful and will be missed, but we wish you a happy, healthy summer or however long it takes for you to feel like doing these blogs again. Truth…you are the online high point of many lives here, and we will still be around and overjoyed to see you if/when you are back with us. ♥️
As you can see by the outpourings of your fans, you will be missed. But you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others. Your column helped to keep me sane. Your writing is fantastic and I’ve marveled at how you’ve been able to keep it up. Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself Cap. We will miss you but your health, both physical and
mental are a priority. We’ll all catch up with you on the flip side.
Bless you, Cap; you’ve done yeoman’s work for the last 7 years. Your efforts have been a boon to the rest of us who await each week’s bounce between hell and hope, and the healing laughter that gets us through until the next one.
I am amazed that you’ve managed to stick with it for this long, and I’ve been cherishing each week’s installment knowing that this couldn’t last forever. If you come back recharged I’ll be delighted, but if not please know that what you’ve created will live on and inspire others, and that you’ve made many lives better already.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, and please accept my gratitude and thanks for your efforts.
You do not, in fact, have to do this all day, Cap.
Anxiety is a messenger, and the letter usually says, “Rest, and give compassion.”
Enjoy your time off. Time limits on apps helped me!
Recharge and regroup, brother. I’ve been enjoying your blogs for some time, now. And like you, I’ve learned that you can only stare into the Abyss for so long and then it starts to stare back. This is some heavy shit, Cap. Take care of yourself and come back to hit it out of the park as you always do.
Honestly I looked forward to Friday evenings around 9:00 pm when your blog would hit my email. You always made me laugh at the atrocities committed by MTG, Booboo, et al. It kept me from crying after submitting to the daily news. So I understand how badly you need a break from it all. Your humor has kept our spirits up, but I can envision your tears as you typed. Please have a wonderful, relaxing summer. You deserve it. Hugs
I look forward to your return and understand all too well how you feel. I have nearly lost my mind over these traitors and I don’t even turn out a weekly blog. Take care of yourself first. We’ll be here when you get back.
Please please please take care of yourself, Cap! I’m so sorry to hear that the incredible work you’ve been doing has taken such a toll on you, but I’m not surprised. I kind of dropped out of the circus after last November myself. Just couldn’t take the bullshit anymore. But I’ve looked forward to your blogs and will miss them terribly while you’re on hiatus. You absolutely deserve to kick back and just say fuck it for awhile – you’re a national treasure and you need to be properly cared for. So relax someplace beautiful, spend time with people you love, and feel like your old snarky self soon, OK? XXXXXX A long-time fan.
I’ve loved every word of this blog. You’re brilliant, and I can’t thank you enough for the laughs. Best wishes to you!
I echo the praise, gratitude, and well wishes that so many others have expressed above.
You’ve helped me stay sane & given me a lot of laughs over the years.
Thank you for everything!
I hope you have a fantastic summer!
PS, if you decide not to return in the fall, would you please let us know? So we don’t worry. (Yeah, I’m a mom, can’t help worrying.)
All the best, Cap!
Stay well, I’ve enjoyed your blog for many years. I’ll miss it but look forward to your return. All the best.
Thanks for calling us friends.
Your weeklies are read-aloud material here on Fridays.
You’ll be missed.
I’m sure there is someplace close with Zombie Dust on tap.
You’ll be missed. Enjoy yourself.
Thanks, Cap, for your excellent writing, solid research and incisive wit. As one of your upcoming projects. I suggest a Sam Spade/Philip Marlowe noir graphic novel
Love and Kisses, Cap!
Bless you, you made it much longer than we did. After Jan 6 and all of the dust up, we turned off the television, reduced the number of newspapers, and the amount of time spent discussing this toxic subject. As a retired nurse, take extra care now. Stress is a killer, killer of peace of mind, killer of adequate sleep, killer of your ability to laugh at some inane action, and a killer of your general health.
You made our lives more bearable, please accept our thanks, and take care. See you on the flip side, whenever.
Rest and recoup. Take all the time you need. Deepest thanks for everything!
Very best to you, Cap. My theater degree wasn’t the ticket to fame and fortune, either, but I still enjoyed getting it. Stay safe and sane.
It’s not like there’s nothing else to read to recharge my batteries, I will focus on other screeds for a while, check back with your page later in the summer. I hope you’re feeling better.
Chill My Dude. (Yes, going for the doucheiest thing I could come up with! 🙂 ) BUT SERIOUSLY, I LOVE your blog and wish you the best! Here in Albuquerque, which has a LOT OF BREWPUBS. (Super subtle hint.) And other charming stuff and seriously crazy high crime, but not that much in a lot of neighborhoods. I tell myself. NO! It’s “TRUE”! All right AGAIN, wish you a great refresh. Thanks for ALL THE HYSTERICAL LAUGHS!
Thanks for all your work. I read all your blogs and the links. You do a great service for the truth. A lot of people in our country have forgotten what truth is.. There is a Foundation in Chicago that publishes the most important, amazing and interesting 2000 page tome on this fucked up planet. Check it out and get a truth hit and refresh your brain and heart cells this summer.
It can be read on line at http://www.urantia.org
I hope to see you in a few months, if not know that you have done a great service.
I have a theater degree from SIU so I had to laugh about that line in your closing message.
Aloha,
Marian Hughes
You have to learn to turn the computer off and plant some flowers occasionally. I’m glad you’re taking this time for yourself and look forward to your return when you see fit. Take care and know that we all wish you well!
Rest yrself. We have our howitzers trained on them while u convalesce. If yr bored u can find me in the Comments sections of the now both-sider NYT scowling at David French, a rt wing Christian nut pretend attny & skewering Russ Do-that.
Yr not a political novice but if yr medically naive go hit up yr medical friends. You’d b surprised how weird it is in the medical systems. Ask for help,dude.
Thank you so much for taking such good care of all of us and helping us to deal with the insanity. You’re certainly not the only one having anxiety attacks after the last seven years of unbridled national lunacy with the COVID madness on top of it. Now it’s time to take care of yourself. We wish you the very best and look forward to your return when you are good and ready. BTW, I don’t blame you for expecting the world to reward you generously for your talent. I always assumed that anyone who could write like you do would make a fortune. Unfortunately, the rewards seem to go to the biggest liars, crooks, and other various kinds of scoundrels. Sad!
I hope your time off gives you the rejuvenation that you need. If you don’t take care of you, there can be no blog. If you decide to return to helping us articulate the stories in the the news, please consider scheduling an annual vacation/hiatus/gettin’ the out of Dodge. Or, take off every summer to travel the country and/or the world. It’s pretty nutty out here, but it’s often fun to watch.
Take care of yourself, my friend.
Cap – I understand completely. I took over Athenae’s “Obsession With The Freeperati” series at First Draft, and deep-dived weekly into the toxic idiocy that is Free Republic for 13 YEARS! I started dreading and then hating my Monday deadline, and finally just bowed out. Have a cold one and relax.
Cap, enjoy your well-deserved break! You have done great work these last seven years following all that is happening out there and making it easy for us to keep track of, while also pointing out the absurdity of the right’s love affair with neo-fascism in the most hilarious terms. This has enabled us to stay informed while still keeping our sanity. It is very understandable that after all this time of following the hatred, lies, malice, prejudice and stupidity, you need a break. I have often wondered how you do it. We wish you all the best, and hope you enjoy your time off to the fullest! When you are ready, we will look forward to your return. Until then, take care and enjoy your well-earned time away.
THANK YOU for all your hard work, your wit, and your humanity, and most of all for filtering the shit show of the news into a format that kept me informed but protected from the angst. I understand anxiety and depression well, and have had the same experience you did with a panic attack that made me go to the emergency room. I notice everyone is saying have a beer, but I say it’s a good idea to stop drinking for a while and also stop looking at the news. Reading a few headlines or hearing what’s going on from others is plenty enough to keep you informed, I know for a fact. I stopped following all the insanity years ago except for the humorous versions such as Colbert, Kimmel, and Shower Cap. So cut back the alcohol, reduce caffeine consumption, get out and exercise and try some thing meditative, whatever that might be for you. And keep that creative spark alive with your comics. You can still send out notices to everyone to let us know when your next comic drops. If that is what makes you happy, do that. Best wishes to you, find your inner strength and resilience, and figure out whether you want to do any of this again at some later point. Your body of work remains and it is worthy. Good health to you, sir!
Ditto what everyone said above this and what anyone will post after this. I re-watched ‘The Fundamentals of Caring’ on Netflix last night. A key takeaway for me was the message that if we don’t care for ourselves first, we can’t care for others. You share so much of yourself in order for us to survive the weekly shitstorm while continuing to hope (and trust) that the storm will ultimately pass. Stress robs us of our ability to remain objective and act rationally. You just received a notice from the bank that your account is overdrawn. Fill it up again – come back when you’re ready. Your loyal fans be here . . . Have a few beers on me.
I’ve had panic attacks and they ain’t no joke. So do take a break to decompress-you have a presidential campaign coming. It really has been a dee=double delightful seven years. Theater on the keyboard. I will wait patiently for your return, and if you get a chance for bigger and better things, thank you-it’s been a helluva ride.
Take care of your shit because the other shit will be as fucked up as it ever was when you return.
Yes, it has been proclaimed and echoed by EVERY comment here — we love and respect you unconditionally. Always have. Always will.
We stand in awe of and in gratitude for your fierce talent, ferocious wit, and sheer cussed perseverance to be able to do this work, every week, all these many years. Your physical and mental health come first — no qualifications or exceptions. Even if you decided to end this particular outlet for your talent, while saddened, we would wish you joy and fulfillment on whatever path you followed.
All right, people — let’s carry on the good fight, each in our own way, getting in good trouble every day, singing Cap’s praises while we march onward.
Three years ago, things took a bad turn for my Mr. Wonderful, the REAL Mike Steele. Your posts were a welcome distraction. Two years ago, his challenges made it difficult to lighten up, so I started stashing some of them in
my email. A year ago tomorrow he died and, in the subsequent months, have essentially just wallowed in my grief.
Well, time’s up – and now I know why I saved all those posts! As I begin the task of deprogramming, decluttering and clearing the cobwebs from the corners of every room (and my musty, dusty mind), will start where I left off on your epic works. The raw energy of your mind – seemingly in perpetual motion – will give me strength & the will to forge ahead. Meanwhile, YOU get yourself out among the living, catch some summer rays, breathe in some fine Canadian wildfire smog and recharge your batteries. You’ve BEEN the mental health break for a good portion of the populace; now it’s time for you to TAKE one. Glad to hear you’ll be kicking back. Looking forward to your triumphant return, should you choose to. All our best to one of the best among us😘
Come to Canada Cap! Like Robin Williams said, “Canada is like the really nice apartment over a Meth lab. We pay attention to what is happening in America, but it gets weirder by the day. Let us know, we will find you a place to stay, beer not included.
John
Thank you, Cap. Your work has been awesome, in the true sense of the word. When it is time, it is time. I will look forward to your art in the future.
Be sure to stock up on plenty of beer, take your luchador mask off and exercise your smile muscles. Get a tan, eat your favorite food and nap all you want! If you need to binge do it watching streaming movies and scratching that itch on your belly. That works for me! The caviar is you can get hooked on feeling good! Love you!
Enjoy your down time, my friend. Hope you feel better. We will all be here when you get back.
As Nicole Wallace of MSNBC says rather too blandly, “these are extraordinary times,” so doubtlessly gifted thespians like yourself and comedy writers like David Feldman have been sidetracked to perform great public services by chronicling the current apocalypse instead. But believe me, you have helped a whole shitload of us stay (relatively) sane and even preserve our (fragile) senses of humor. Even if you never come back to this at all, Cap, know that you’ve done the equivalent of serving Peace Corps time in hell, and can’t be thanked enough. All wishes for a thorough rehabilitation!
I can’t begin to express how much I’ve loved your writing over these last years. You’ve made me laugh out loud so many times, so VERY many times, which has saved me from complete despair time and again. Just knowing I could still laugh rather than cry or run screaming into the woods never to be seen again? Well, that was a gift I gratefully took week after week.
I will miss your razor wit and downright magnificent wordplay every Saturday morn but understand you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of you.
Take the best care of yourself and come back when you can, if you want to.
We’ll be here.
Take care, Cap, love you so very much! I hope you come back rested and feeling better. I have anxiety issues too, but I’m also a heart patient, with a husband very ill with stage IV cancer, so I know it can be rough. I’m glad you’re not seriously ill, but take as long a break as you need and we’ll try to be patient. I don’t mind being patient, I just hate being A patient, ya know? Stay sweet ad be good to yourself. Much love, K.
Loving the fact that this community is so full of empathy, and just wanted to add my voice to the many saying thanks for all the news and laughs and we totally get it. Take your time, feel better and take care of you. We’ll be here when you’re ready.
Hey Cap, I’ve been living in Mexico foe the past nine years. Your blog was a way to keep up with the insanity in the good ol usa from a distance. We have a lovely house in the hills overlooking Lake Chapala. Life here is a lot slower and makes much more sense than the rat race in the states We got a spare room with a view of the mountains and lake, the Mexican beer is always cold and better than most.
We’ll miss you, but I’ll pull out some ol H S Thompson books and think of you.
You go Cap. I’m breaking for the moment too.
I’ll miss reading you though.
That little twinkle of joy I see when getting your blogs.
See you on the other side
We’ll miss you, Cap, but so glad you’re taking care of yourself. Anyone would get a panic attack and burn out dealing with the nation’s worst political dumpster fires every week. You deserve a break. Stay safe, friend and thank you for being our steadfast resident humorist all these years.
Seven years of this shit is seriously too much, Cap. SWAT team members only get four at the cutting edge, then they have to take a break.
I’m not at all surprised you’re tougher than the average SWAT team member.
We’ll all miss you, but we’d miss you more if your brains drooled out of your ears (or your main pump stopped working) and we could never hear from you again.
Stay safe, keep well, enjoy however much of your life is left, and don’t come back until all the beer is gone. Take that as you want. . .
Henry
My dream was to be the Next Hunter T. I got published a few times in some weekly alt papers. I couldn’t keep it up and had to fall back on practicing law. I am in awe of how prolific and consistently strong you are. Enjoy a few Bud Lights and come back soon!
Oh Yes!!! I totally understand and thank you for your sacrifice! Kick back and relax… turn off the news! Put on some of your favorite tunes. Go birdwatching. Forget about us and everything… well, keep our e-addy. Look forward to hearing of your happy relaxed good humor!
Healing thoughts being sent your way Brother, I don’t think that you truly appreciate the joy you bring to your readers, me in particular,
looking forward to your return, thank you so much for sharing with us.
Thank you, Cap. Thank you. Sending good, positive, relaxing vibes to you with all the gratitude within me. You’ve saved me, and apparently many, many, many others over the years. Godspeed, man. Job well done and all that. Peace.
Take care of yourself, Cap…you’re one of the only things that got me through the last few years. You will always be a welcome ray of expletive laced sunshine that we need during this shit show. Rest, and go smell those flowers. Wander through The Lincoln Park Zoo, and all of Chicago’s incredible museums. See you in the fall, and I’m assuming you’ll still be accepting 6 packs.
Love your blog!! I will be there when you recover from your Orange Turd Virus episode!!
Live long and well friend.
This little blue water planet you stumbled upon this time around really needs you. You are the treasure the ancient ones spoke of. You made me laugh.
Sveikata!
We miss you much, Cap, but glad you’re getting R&R and doing self-care. Come back when you can!
This belated message is mainly to direct any readers who see this and need a fix to the Wonkette website (now a substack) for Cap’s brand of sassy profane political writing. Start with this week’s “MTG gets kicked out of the freedom caucus” article. You’re welcome.
Cap, you # 1! And always will be!