Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
From Nazis to Confederates to Pershing, America is Failing History Class
Hey everybody, before we get started tonight, I’d like to tickle your activist bone a little bit. I’m lobbying the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to add a new category to this year’s Academy Awards: Best Short Film of a Punk Ass Nazi Crying Their Wuss Eyes Out When Consequences Catch Up To Them.
Baked Alaska is an early favorite, but this Christopher Cantwell dude could be a dark horse.
GET IT? WHITE SUPREMACIST/DARK HORSE? BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
We’re at, what? Day 2,192 of the debate about whether the President of the United States should say Nazis are bad? That’s a healthy place for America to be in 2017.
My god, has it come to THIS? In some alternate universe, I’m posting snarky little Facebook posts about Trey Gowdy’s ongoing, futile, attempts to investigate President Hilldawg’s e-mail server, while congress susses out a voting rights bill. I WANT TO GO TO THERE.
The Guinness World Record for Whattaboutism gets shattered every seven minutes, it seems. The modern American Right, having found itself headquartered in the filthiest corner of a sewage treatment plant, rather than beginning the long, slow slog back into the light, has chosen to bellow that everyone else is just as shit-encrusted as they are, and therefore lacks the right to point fingers.
And so the Founding Fathers (many of whom were, yes, slaveholders, and we should be honest about that) are basically the same as the traitors who tore our nation apart in order for a handful of rich jagoffs to own human beings like cattle, and Nazis are the moral equivalent of people who think Nazis actually suck really hard, and apple pie is just a steaming cow turd atop a stale slice of Wonder Bread.
The Marmalade Shartcannon, meanwhile, has picked the Nazis-and-Confederate-monuments hill as the one he’d like to die on, fighting harder to preserve shitty statues of traitors than he ever did to pass a health care bill.
Encouragingly, America has responded to SHARTUS’ #NotAllNazis initiative with repulsion and defiance, which is good, because Zombie Eisenhower and Zombie Patton were just about the rise from their graves and start fuckin’ shit up, 40’s-style.
The CEOs of the nation consulted their advertising departments and their butlers, determined that Nazis are SO not in this summer, and fled the President’s Advisory Councils like they were full of bees with leprosy, singing Nickleback.
Hilariously, Don the Con tried spinning things like dissolving the councils was HIS idea, because the councils wanted to get more serious that he was ready for, like Richard Trumka left a toothbrush in the West Wing bathroom, and it just freaked him out, so he thought he should end it before anybody developed unreasonable expectations for the future.
Whatever, Donnie. Elon Musk wants his Def Leppard t-shirt back.
And somehow, Orange Julius Caesar, like a shitty stand-up comic oblivious to how badly his set is bombing, wakes up and tweets his ongoing laments about the tragic removal of the Shitty Traitor Statues, like he’s reading directly from a porno script Richard Spencer wrote.
Honestly, I don’t understand the President’s ferocious attachment to the culture of treasonous losers, it just doesn’t…oh hang on.
I get it now.
The Associated Press further updated their guidelines regarding the use of the term “alt-right,” so as not to play along with 21st-Century Nazis’ desperate attempts to be called something other than “Nazis.” I’ve personally proposed using “Outhouses Overflowing With Trucker Diarrhea” as a substitute for “alt-right,” but the AP hasn’t gotten back to me yet.
Now House Democrats are pushing a measure to censure Toupee Fiasco for talkin’ about how handsome n’ groovy those Charlottesville neo-Nazis were, putting Paul Ryan in a pickle. Is it even possible for House Republicans to denounce white supremacy on the record without enraging their base? And is anyone in the Republican Party suggesting, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t have worked so diligently to create a voter base that makes excuses for Nazi terrorists?”
A number of Shart House aides are anonymous expressing their concern, their regret, their consternation, their sadness, their constipation, their nagging toothaches at the President’s ongoing oral vomiting to various journalists…off the record of course. And no, none of them are actually resigning, that would require spines.
At least we won’t have to worry about tearing down statues of these sniveling cowards generations from now.
Well, maybe somebody will carve a butter sculpture of Reince Preibus, wincing as he kisses Il Douche’s massive ass. Or better yet, cast a Jell-O mold so as to better capture the quivering.
By the way, did any of you happen to notice that North Korea totally backed down in the recent let’s-maybe-end-life-on-earth-because-two-manchildren-are-dick-measuring crisis?
No, you didn’t. Biggest win and best fuckin’ headline of Drumpf’s entire presidency, and the dumb shit buries it talkin’ about how cute n’ fuzzy Nazis are. It’s like if Harry Truman decided to reinstate prohibition on V-E Day.
And Steve Bannon went into business for himself, drunk-dialing The American Prospect out of the blue, shitting on White House rivals, offhandedly mentioning that the entire U.S. military’s stance on North Korea is bullshit, chatting casually about how a race war would be good politics for him…hard to believe some folks paint this guy as a villain, ain’t it?
Now, in the wake of a horrific terrorist attack, such as the one that took place in Barcelona today, a normal person will grieve, or offer prayers and support, or maybe just lament their helplessness at life’s periodic tragedy…but not our Carcinogenic Bloat-in-Chief.
No, he just thinks “Oh GOOD, a Muslim terrorist! This’ll change the subject!”
And so President Colon Tumor tweets out a reference to his favorite fake history story, an utterly fictitious tale of General Pershing committing a racist war crime. It’s a perfect score on Klansman bingo.
In addition, the Candycorn Skidmark raged at Jeff Flake and Lindsey Graham, while Bob Corker and Tim Scott tore several new holes in his widescreen, be-golfpantsed derrière.
Good luck with tax reform, Mr. Shart-of-the-Deal. (At some point, somebody really should tell him that impeachment trials take place in the very chamber where he’s so giddily cultivating enemies. I nominate Stephen Miller.) Is the GOP finally, FINALLY turning on La Grande Sharte? Let’s hope so.
And now I see that Wikileaks sat on some leaks that would’ve damaged Putin/Russia, because they were strictly in the Shittin’-on-Hillary-Clinton business last year? Fucking perfect.
I know I’m missing a bunch of stuff tonight, shit like Kevin Durant and Carmen de Lavallad passing on Shart House honors because they don’t want to get Shart on themselves, and awesome folks queuing up to take the blame for pulling down the confederate statue in Durham, and don’t miss that one story about shitty white supremacist dudes finding out they’re not ethnically pure, but I’m just beat to hell from living under a government that refuses to condemn Nazis, even after they FUCKING MURDER PEOPLE. I’m all grouchy and shit.
All I really need now is for Chris Cilizza to tell me Robert E. Lee had the Worst Week in Washington.
…shit be cray, folks…shit be cray.