Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
These are the Days of Bat Guano and Horror
Hey folks, I don’t believe we’ve spoken since Steve Bannon’s swollen thorax got dragged from the White House, coating the floors with a sticky, viscous, gin-smelling fluid, which my sources tell me Reince Preibus has been rehired to remove.
Bannon snarled something about being “unleashed” and “going to war” before vomiting on himself, smelling the alcohol in his vomit, tearing his puke-soaked shirt off, sucking it dry, and slithering into the night.
In the aftermath, Seb Gorka has retreated to the West Wing’s air ducts, scuttling about and spitting acid at anyone who comes too near, while Stephen Miller hides behind his own forehead, which he has disguised as a decorative table with the addition of a doily and a vase.
Of course, just cuz Darth Wino is physically gone doesn’t mean he didn’t flip the Administrative State switch to “Deconstruct” on the way out.
Interior ordered a halt to scientific research into the health effects of mountaintop removal coal mining, because Amurica isn’t about to allow something as inconsequential as a few pleb’s lives to stand between coal executives and their year-end bonuses.
Oh, and Team Shart disbanded an advisory council related to climate change, perhaps because they were afraid everyone was about to resign in protest like all his other councils, or perhaps simply because science is for cucks.
Anyhow, we’re all still stumbling around, dazed from the knowledge that we’re being governed by an amoral shitmaggot who sticks up for terrorists who commit vehicular homicide.
Even so, America rose up, and sang, as one, “Not That We Thought it Would Come to This, But Just Cuz the President Doesn’t Seem to Mind Nazis as Much as he Should, Doesn’t Mean the Rest of Us Aren’t Gonna Chase You Fucks Underground.”
And Boston was where we proved it.
Most of the
Free Speech Defenders Nazis were smart enough to back out, but a hundred or so turned up, only to find themselves outnumbered eleventy-million-to-one, and fled their rally early for the comfort of their subreddit safe spaces.
The Charlottesville shitsacks seem to be spending their days avoiding arrest, sobbing like musical theatre kids watching RENT, deleting their Twitter counts for being shitty, or giving hilariously clueless interviews. In short, they’re being shunned and mocked, the way things ought to be in the United States of America in the 21st century. Fuck yeah.
Meanwhile, there’re so many confederate monuments coming down that Jeff Sessions refuses to come out of his office, nostalgically fapping to his well-worn VHS copy of THE BIRTH OF A NATION.
It seems numerous charities have decided that being associated with the C’mon, Some Nazis Are Swell guy is bad for branding, and they’re abandoning their pricey Marm-a-Lago galas like a college party that turns out to be a Hare Krishna recruitment event.
Shit, by 2018, Don the Con’s fancy hotels’ll be forced to rely on cut-rate Klansmen Cotillions for revenue. Yes, and all the shitty white supremacists’ daughters can flit about in enormous dresses, frantically fighting off the advances of Shower Drain Hair Clog Dudes this movement attracts.
Now, not everyone’s upset at Velveeta Himmler’s both-sidesism; hell, the KKK is downright “proud!” “Thanks for normalizing white supremacy on the heels of a FUCKING JUNIOR NAZI KILLING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IN A TERRORIST ATTACK,” said some Fantabulous Warlock or Most High Turdmage, or whatever Magic the Gathering name these clowns call themselves.
And of course there’ve been a handful of weak-as attempts to block for the White Supremacist Apologist in Chief. Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag insisted that the Rapists-and-Murderers guy wasn’t racist. Faux Christian/Equally Faux Educator Jerry Falwell Jr. insisted Drumpfy’s actually doing tons n’ tons to help “the minorities,” eliciting both laughter and diploma abandonment. Katrina Pierson, she of the bullet necklace and the blind obedience to her God Emperor, tied herself up in so many knots she wound up talking about how good slavery was.
(This seems like a good point to mention that I’m not making any of this shit up. No, not even that last sentence.)
Axios asked a bunch of Shart House staffers, “Hey, how the fuck do you drag yourself out of bed to go work for a guy who tells America they aren’t nice enough to Nazi terrorists? Is it drugs? Follow-up question: since you must be getting unusually good drugs, can I have your guy’s number?” And the staffers are like “Yeah, it sucks, but if it wasn’t for us he’d have started a war with Mexico because Salma Hayek wouldn’t go out with him, or maybe dispatched the marines to Jake Tapper’s house. SOMETIMES HE WANDERS INTO THE SITUATION ROOM AND STARTS PUSHING BUTTONS JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT WE FUCKING DEAL WITH, MAN!”
Oh, and there are already Charlottesville “truthers” you’ll be delighted to learn. Yes, it’s all some massive Soros/Obama/Clinton false flag op, designed to…to make Nazis look bad, which I guess is something people need to be told (especially if that one horrifying poll can be trusted), in 2017, in the United States of America. Oh well, at least none of them are in government.
Looks like even the institutional GOP is beginning to give up on that ever-elusive “pivot.” Senator Tim Scott went so far as to suggest that President Pussy-Grabber risks losing his “moral authority.” MSNBC asked Susan Collins if La Grande Sharte would even be the GOP nominee in 2020, and she was all “Wellllllllll let’s see how this thing with Dany and Jon works out first.” And John Kasich lurks in the background, licking his lips, muttering “no, we isn’t mounting a primary challenge, Precious, OH YES WE IS, PRECIOUS” whenever he comes across a reflective surface.
Even Mitch McConnell, wearing a shiny new “I stole a Supreme Court seat and all I got was this lousy 18% approval rating” t-shirt found some semblance of a spine inside that turtle shell of his, telling the press that he believes most news is REAL rather than fake, which, I suddenly remember to my dismay, amounts to a direct assault on the President of the United States.
And Paul Ryan issued a stern statement on the Facebooks, before returning to the work of getting this shameful hate monger to sign off on massive tax cuts for the wealthy, because PRINCIPLES!
On the Democrat side of the aisle, there are proposals for censure, proposals for impeachment, and proposals for Seriously, Can We Maybe Get This Guy Examined by Mental Health Professionals Before He Figures Out Where the Army Keeps the Anthrax and Dumps it Into Lake Michigan?
USAToday let us know that the Living Garbage Pail Kid’s insatiable appetite for weekend golf has practically bankrupted the Secret Service, leaving hundreds of agents uncompensated for the overtime they’ve put in protecting President Shartcannon and his Turd Circus Family. For a bit of extra fun, huge chunks of the Secret Service budget have been redistributed from We the People, the American taxpayer, directly into the Swiss Family Robinshart’s greedy little pockets.
Fuck, 60,000 bucks just for fucking golf cart rentals. Remember that the next time these walking hemorrhoids hold a press conference touting SCROTUS donating his salary to some government department whose budget he’s decimating; that he charges us to have the Secret Service rent golf carts on his personal property.
On Sunday evening, the USS John S McCain collided with a commercial ship, five sailors were hurt and another ten are missing. Tangerine Idi Amin, like any good commander in chief, got on twitter and bitched about how mean the media is to him. When a reporter asked for comment, he said “that’s too bad.”
“That’s too bad.” Now, Dorito Mussolini is taking quite a hit in the press for his lack of sensitivity, but I say hey, less than a week ago he talked about how nice some Nazis are, so this represents a step in the right direction, heaven help us all.
And I see that President What-if-The-China-Syndrome-Took-Place-in-a-Sewage-Treatment-Plant decided to look straight into the eclipse, because the dude with nuclear codes has the discipline of That One Second Grader Whose Mom Packs Him a Grape Soda and a Snickers Bar For Lunch.
This one might actually work out for us, Resistors. If he did enough retinal damage, maybe one of us can slap on a Kellyanne Conway wig and maybe get close enough to get him to sign a resignation letter…
Aaaaaand the Candycorn Skidmark announced a little escalation in the Afghanistan War a minute ago; how fucking desperate do you have to be to think ramping up a 16-year debacle will rescue your plummeting approval ratings? Anyhow, he was a very good boy who read right off the teleprompter without saying any nice things about Klansmen. This time.
“Yes, it’s one more campaign promise I’ve betrayed, but my new Chief of Staff sends me to bed without ice cream if I don’t sign off on his troop deployment orders, so please know that not only your children, but your children’s children and your children’s children’s children will be sent to die in the Graveyard of Empires, because nothing terrifies your President more than looking weak.”
I feel safer already.
There’s more. Of COURSE there’s more, but if I look at one more paragraph of news, I’m just going to start shrieking, one single, formless, high-pitched squeal, at the top of my lungs, until I drop down dead.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve learned that today’s eclipse will be the very last until your next chance to VOTE IN THE GODDMAN MIDTERMS, so there’s that.