- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Not a Rerun, Just Yet Another Week of Republican Insanity Gettin’ Folks Killed
Like a lot of folks, I think it’s a shame public schools don’t teach kids essential shit like paying bills and making budgets, but, reflecting on current events, the more problematic omission is clearly Rudimentary Con Man Identification; the average American is just wayyyyyyy too fucking easy to dupe, as the following paragraphs will demonstrate. Buckle up.
The latest Rally for the Seditious and Subpar went about as well as expected, but y’know what Jan. 6th-related enterprise isn’t a colossal failure organized by drooling nincompoops? Bennie Thompson’s House commission, that’s what. The subpoenas are already flyin’, folks. The option to fuck around has been dismissed out of hand, in favor of fervent finding out. Good. Let’s nail some of these fascist asshats to the goddamn wall, before they have a chance to build on recent gains.
That Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves somehow managed to find something he’s even worse at than pandemic management frankly impresses the fuck out of me; how’s the little weasel even capable of motion, dwelling as he does so near absolute zero on the competence scale?
Personally, if my fanaticism and ineptitude had transformed my state into a Covid-soaked shithole, with a death rate higher than almost anywhere on Earth, (Reeves can probably cancel that scheduled chess match with who or whatever runs Peru, by the way) I’d probably avoid the Sunday shoz altogether. Because between the need to spend every waking moment atoning for my unthinkable crimes, and all the, you know, SHAME, it just wouldn’t be a good fit.
But no, Tatekins just had to go on Jake Tapper, to…show off how big his graveyard is, I guess? Watching that mouth-breathing nitwit, who’s actually allowed to govern an entire state, struggle through an interview containing only the most predictable questions, (“So….what’s up with all the death, bud?”) you certainly understand how the corpses came to pile up in the first place. Hey, Mississippi Republicans: whatever methodology you’re using to select your leaders, it could stand some tinkering.
Ron DeSantis, consumed with envy over Reeves’ breakout on the international death cult scene, redoubled his efforts to kill as many of Florida’s surviving children as possible. He even enlisted a shiny new anti-science sidekick to serve as his Surgeon General, a quack named Joseph Ladapo, who wasted little time in issuing new protocols which will actively facilitate the coronavirus’ spread through school populations, because Florida is governed by Dickens villains.
Emboldened by their victories over the forces of health and common sense, Florida Republicans are now apparently salivating at the thought of rolling back old-school vaccine mandates, for stuff like mumps and measles, because lust to un-eradicate vanquished diseases is a conservative value now, part of a broader dedication to un-solving problems until we’re all shitting in caves again.
This vaccine derangement…of course, it’s the suicidal aspect I have trouble wrapping my mind around, but I suppose it’s time to simply accept such insanities as run-of-the-mill death cult stuff, and move on, but I do think it’s weird. Not quite as weird as, say, showing up to work in blackface because you think your brain-broke, anti-vax ass is basically Rosa Parks, but still fairly weird.
But then, there’s the story of the county-level health director in Michigan, nearly run off the road, twice, for issuing a mask mandate, by one of the growing number of Americans warped into honest-to-God terrorists by right-wing disinformation. That’s how it works these days; one side of the coin is idiots loudly beclowning themselves, the other side is violence, perpetrated by less-stable idiots. Wheeee!
And nobody does more to radicalize and weaponize America’s seemingly limitless supply of shitty white people than Tucker Carlson, from the terrifyingly potent platform the Murdoch clan so generously gifts him. Whether spouting lethal vaccine lies, or doing his damndest to drag straight-up Nazi shit like white replacement theory into the Overton window, (along with that Tiger Beat pinup of Viktor Orbán that usually hangs in his bedroom) ol’ Fish Stix Hitler is swinging for the fences these days. “The fences” represent “violently enforced white supremacy” in this super-fun metaphor from my highly-amusing comedy blog.
Liar Tuck claims vaccine mandates are a dastardly plot by Joe Biden to purge the U.S. military of “sincere Christians” and “men with high testosterone levels,” two groups completely unrepresented in MAGA Nation, ironically. Why are this failsect’s exemplars of manhood always such soft, squealing milksops?
Of course, those who look to Carlson and his congealed oatmeal chin for masculinity guidance are only too happy to take advantage of the opportunity to get their medical advice from the same jam-packed indoctrination hour, which is probably why we’re now hearing about lunatics extracting Covid-stricken loved ones from the ICU, with all those terrible trained medical professionals, and all that awful cutting-edge equipment, in order to treat them at home with livestock deworming products.
As his acolytes self-immolate, the Turd Emperor himself sharts around Marm-a-Lago all day, lashing out as much as his diminished stature allows; filing frivolous lawsuits through his dwindling legal stable, feebly reenacting rituals from the heady days when he could stop the whole dang world with the merest tweet. Looked on objectively, it’s all quite pathetic.
If they had just one spine to pass around amongst themselves, the GOP could rid themselves of this loser (who, I remind you, couldn’t even pop a boxing PPV buyrate) in an afternoon, but no, once men grow this accustomed to groveling, they never stand all the way up again; they’re afraid they might accidentally have to look another human being in the eye, you see.
And so mighty Mitch McConnell genuflects, pretending he never heard about the Dotard-in-Exile’s plot to dethrone him, meekly acquiescing to his maggot overlord’s slate of psychopathic Senate candidates, no doubt afraid that should his lifelong cycle of accumulating power then using it to confirm Federalist Society nutjobs to lifelong appointments ever slow, he’d be forced to sit in silence and contemplate what he’s become.
All the while, Marjorie Taylor Greene rampages through the background, shrieking manically at colleagues, releasing fascist violence porn under the guise of a campaign ad, and making an ass of herself (with visual aids!) on the House floor. Just in case anyone was wondering what the future of the Republican Party looks like.
Horrific photographs from the border captured out-of-control border patrol agents, terrorizing Haitian refugees from horseback; Remington by way of Giger as commissioned by Richard Spencer. In the predictable corners of the internet, these images prompted some rather ferocious quibbling on the nature of whips and whipping, while questions of basic human decency went, as ever, unaddressed. We are wrestling with some dark shit these days, my friends.
A new memo proves Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s legal team knew, from jump street, all their scumfuck boss’ claims of fraud were baseless horseshit, not that that stopped anybody from joining the ensuing authoritarian assault on the U.S. Constitution. Call it the Party of Lincoln one more time, I fucking dare you.
Speaking of the Great Dumbfuck Autogolpe, we also got a look at Trump lawyer John Eastman’s genius plan to overturn the 2020 election by pointing the wand he bought at a Harry Potter theme park at it and bellowing ENDO DEMOCRACY. This story would probably be funnier were the GOP not working day and night to replace local election officials who’ve demonstrated willingness to stand up to such fashy shenanigans with compliant goons who won’t be troubled by petty shit like “the rule of law.”
In Arizona, the bamboo fiber detectives known as the “cyber ninjas” delivered their much-anticipated report, revealing Tangerine Idi Amin as an even bigger loser than previously known, so naturally Texas ordered a faux “audit” of their very own, because what’s taxpayer money for, if not placating the fleeting whims of a visibly-declining narcissist game show host who thinks exercise is bad for you?
The latest dignity-annihilating taint punt of Rudy Giuliani’s tenure as Shitty MAGA Job arrived in the form of a reported ban from Fux Nooz, which Amerikkka’s Mayor apparently learned of upon getting cut from the wingnut 9/11 anniversary teleklanrally. Ouch. Rudy’s ongoing debasement gives me hope that similar fates may yet await the Bannons and the Barrs and the Millers of the world. If the January 6th commission were to issue some sort of logo, I would happy wear that logo, in baseball cap form, wherever I went.
And where I’m going now, my lovelies, is to the fridge, because that is where the beer is, and holy balls, I need beer right now. If anybody needs me, I’ll be self-medicating my way through the struggle against American fascism, like always.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thank you for the latest biting, insightful delight. Bet you never thought you’d be reporting such grotesque shenanigans, huh? That livestock deworming paragraph…
“Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Who’s the fasciest of them all?”
If you’re a superstitious little hater of democracy, you’ve just earned seven years of bad luck. That means your worst nightmare will come to fruition: a second term for President Biden. Bwahahaha!
You just wanted a chance to use the word “autogolpe”. Good job! I hope I remember it for my next Scrabble game.
Re the horse , Hattian and Border agent photo;
It looks like the Haitian is going for the bridle and the guy up top would rather he didn’t. The horse is probably neutral as he usually winds up somehow on top of the pile in these goings on.
Self medication our only choice left
How is the BIG REPUBLICAN LIE, that White Critical Raging Racists were not rejected by the majority, possible? This BIG LIE is only one of many BIG LIES catapulted by Corporate tee vee propaganda machines. It is not just Rupert Murdoch’s FOX Fear and Hate network. The other networks also pimp for wars, Fossil Fuels, racism, criminal billionaires, and maintaining the Oligarchy.
Note, the latest propaganda from Jake Tapper of CNN, and many of the other “influence Peddlers”. The Biden COVID-19 policy is in chaos and there is a crisis at the border and Biden wants to tax the Rich (which includes Tapper), and Biden’s dog…The Violent Chaos of Turdmaggot and Putin, and their continuing insurrection is ignored. Remember: “It is just the flu”, Kung Flu, Democrat Hoax, HCL, Trump’s Supreme Court rapists, death threats and attacks against doctors, nurses, school boards, public health officials, and 2nd Amendment solutions. Jake Tapper does not remember that chaos. The Billionaires who own everything, including Radio and Tee Vee and Tapper, are fascists and support Trump and want 2nd Amendment Solutions for the USA. Tapper should remember that Murdoch has helped create an epidemic that has killed more people, than the 1918 Influenza Epidemic.
There is another VERY BIG LIE from Murdoch, before he promoted the COVID epidemic and Insurrection. Murdoch and FOX had for years been corporate partners, and worked with tobacco companies. The Cigarette Industry bribed doctors and the AMA, used tee vee advertising, made actors smoke cigarettes in movies, to promote smoking. But the medical evidence was well known, as hundreds of thousands of lives were shortened every year. The BIG LIE that cigarettes are safe was very successful. Our Billionaire Overlords, who routinely kill us, are clever.
https://cancerletter.com/guest-editorial/20200918_2/
Lapido? Sounds like the guy being paged at the airport; Stu Pidasso. BTW Governor DeSatans will stop spreading deadly diseases amongst innocent children once he gets to hell. They already have that function covered.
I totally relate to your comments about people needing education on identifying con men. I grew up pretty sheltered, and as a young adult, I was innocent enough to get conned a few times, but learned to be suspicious of, well, everything, especially if it seemed too good to be true. That’s why I knew what and who Trump was as soon as he began his run for President. I thought to myself, “Oh, I know who that guy is…” (Not that I was that aware of Trump in general, other than as a show-off, shallow playboy.) My husband, on the other hand, had payed more attention, and said simply “That guy is an asshole.” I am continuously astonished by the fact that so many people, most of whom are plenty old enough to know better, are still falling for the most ridiculous and obvious cons.
Anyway, I too need some self-medication in the form of beer. Thanks for being here for us.
Good work as always, Cap. As for the Death Cult and their depredations among the non-infected, I’m afraid we may be seeing the beginnings of “Lemming Syndrome” among acutely stupid people, leading them to commit suicide by any way they consider not ‘messy’ or ‘icky’.
Sadly, these acutely stoopid ‘people’ never think ahead, so running over that cliff in the company of their neighbors and ‘friends’ is easy peasy, and never mind that really abrupt stop on the rocks at the bottom of said cliff. . .
The scientists who studied it said population pressure would affect Humans after a certain point, and it appears as though they were as undeniably correct as the climate scientists who warned the climate would kill us if we screwed up the Earth badly enough.
Sadly, this is the only quasi-reasonable explanation I can make for all the idiots we’re watching die in large numbers, and watching them beg everyone else to die as well. Or, as some of our Lemming Leaders are doing, INSISTING that everyone they ‘lead’ die swiftly and quietly, so as not to disturb the Lemming Leaders’ chances of being elected Lemming President in 2024, so they can mandate injections of the Delta version of the virus into everyone. . .
I absolutely understand your need to get seriously drunk, as only massive doses of pot allow me to repress my urge to run down the middle of the street wailing at the top of my voice. Well, and your blog, since it and the comments it draws lets me know there are others like you and me, who are terrified of what’s coming but committed to fighting the death cult and all its Typhoid Mary minions.
Stay safe, Cap, and keep up the good fight.
I am going to admit that if unvaccinated morons want to take their family members out of the hospitals and spare me (a nurse) and my colleagues for having to take care of them AND free up healthcare resources for the vaccinated folks with strokes, cancer and traumatic injury…well that’s a win/win situation and I highly encourage it.
What these dimwits don’t understand is they don’t have to try and be cunning about leaving the hospital. They can sign out AMA (or not sign and leave in a dramatic huff, whichever) anytime. We don’t give two shots anymore. The insurance companies care, though. Which is why they won’t cover the bills if you do….
AMA…? /puzzled
Letting them know about the “nope, insurance won’t cover you any more, twits” clause might discourage some of this; might not…on the one hand, it’ll kill ’em off faster; on the other hand, it’ll send them back out among the rest of us again, testing the strength of our vaccines against whatever mutant variant they’ve been nurturing in their breast. :-/
And no, not even lemmings do this stupid suicidal shit; that was all crap staged by Disney. If there were that many lemmings around, the many, many, many carnivores up there (everything from birds of prey and foxes to wolves and bears) would be having a field day and snapping up as many of the li’l buggers as they could, before they got anywhere near any cliffs. But Disney has always despised any and all carnivores except for maybe lions (seriously, before the Aristocats movie, how many house cat heroes were there, even? Figaro from Pinocchio?); definitely wolves and everything else (Charlie the Lonesome Cougar notwithstanding), so you didn’t see ANY carnivores anywhere near the precious li’l confuzzled darling rodents. Don’t think THAT shit hasn’t influenced Americans in that regard. :-/
I just hope I can hang on long enough to let them consider me qualified for a booster shot (“I’m not 65 yet, but my lungs have been shit since I was a kid; can I please defend myself again from fuckwits yet? It’s been several months…”). X-P