Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Now That We Are Magnetized, My Antifa Comrades, the World Will Be Ours!
Addition by subtraction is REAL, y’all. Look at how much nicer life’s become with just ONE less cabal of fascist dipshits squatting in the White House. And as we keep on sliding down the path to reducing the supply of global pandemics, 2021 looks more and more like a B-52’s video every single day. I almost don’t wanna spoil it, but if you don’t keep your eye on ‘em, Nazis’ll get into the pantry and poop in the Cocoa Puffs.
Newly-released emails reveal that Mark Meadows, while serving as Chief of Staff to the President of the United States of America, tried to get the Justice Department to “investigate” some graffiti from the walls of the outhouse where Steve Bannon makes his home, which claimed Italian military satellites were used to alter election results, presumably in conjunction with the Jewish Space Laser.
…pretty cool that Meadows is still on the streets, free to use his on-the-job attempted coup training to develop more efficient democracy-ending tactics for the next time he manages to weasel his way into power, instead of behind bars for, y’know, repeatedly attempting to overthrow the government and whatnot.
In the interest of truth, justice, and the American way, I must concede that the Deposed Dotard was not, as was initially reported, wearing his pants backwards during his latest Please Clap Klan rally. He had merely filled his current diaper, you see, and rotated it in order to utilize the opposite side, a cost-cutting measure initiated under John Kelly. Let us be honest, my friends, lest we become that which we most despise.
Whatever may be going on with his pants, and the less thought expended on the matter the better, Tangerine Idi Amin cheered shithole-country-no-more Nigeria for banning Twitter, partially because his fascist heart delights in all assaults on free speech rights, partially because, as a rapidly-decomposing husk animated solely by petty grievances, he carries a special, extra-burning hatred for the social media companies which, in deplatforming him, castrated him even more thoroughly than the American electorate, and we were in full Joni Ernst mode, as you’ll recall.
You might want to lock up any pitchforks and/or torches before reading the ProPublica report on all the taxes the ultra-wealthy don’t pay. I don’t see what everyone’s so upset about…wasn’t this country founded on the principle that all men are created equal ASTERISK except for a handful of our obvious betters who are clearly entitled to hoard for themselves any wealth generated by the ingenuity and labor of the worthless serf class? I’m pretty sure I remember reading that.
I guess Mitch McConnell hacked up a few haughty remarks about the death of bipartisanship or some shit, but I couldn’t really hear his worn-out sectarian troll act over the sound of the Senate finally starting to confirm Biden-appointed progressive federal judges. (Love that song, don’t you?)
“Louie Gohmert is the dumbest man in Congress” is probably the most reliable running gag in American politics; he’d be like some lovable idiot uncle who guest-stars now and then if he wasn’t such a fascist prick. Anyhow, Louie brought the bleach-and-ultraviolet-light mindset to the problem of climate change, suggesting we just pull ourselves up by th’bootstraps and alter the moon’s orbit. Cue laugh track. Cut to commercial.
Speaking of low-IQ seditionists, Alabama’s Mo Brooks might just be the perfect Trump-era Republican. Let’s look under the hood, shall we?
Mewling Cowardice? CHECK: Brooks ducked Eric Swalwell’s “no dessert until you clean up after the white nationalist lynch mob you incited” lawsuit, slithering in shadow for weeks, until a private investigator finally tracked his wife down at their Alabama home.
Dumb as Not Just a Post But a Post Other Posts Would Call Unusually Dense By Post Standards? CHECK: In his ensuing meltdown, Mo managed to dox himself, because self-owning, pants-shitting tantrums are just a thing in wingnut culture, and frankly, I think we should be respectful of their customs and rituals, even the ones that seem primitive to us.
Shameless Mendacity in Pursuit of Personal Power? CHECKITY CHECK CHECK: Not only did the One-Man Brooks Brothers Riot lie about the encounter in an attempt to frame his pusillanimity as victimization, but he continues, even after all the violence and damage to America’s democratic institutions, to spew the Big Lie at every opportunity, believing, probably correctly, that such treachery will allow him to cakewalk into the United States Senate next year. Sleep tight.
I don’t want to clutter this one up with any jokey framework, ‘cuz it’s plenty nuts all on its own: the latest malignant absurdity beamed from Planet Cray into the fillings in MAGA Nation’s teeth* is this idea that the coronavirus vaccine somehow makes the human body…magnetic. And rather than rejoice at this unlooked-for supply of superheroes, these folks seem pretty pissed.
You watch this woman, a nurse, apparently, (and what a delectably dark detail that is) demand, with sarcastic fury, an explanation for her newfound magnetyness, even as the various metal objects she’s conscripted as support stubbornly refuse to cooperate with her delusions, and folks, THAT is what we’re up against: people who are so defiantly detached from reality that they’ll deny what is occurring directly in front of them. Millions of ‘em. Voters every one.
I swear to god, this is all the work of a half-dozen Funyun-drunk nerds in some Chechen basement with a wager to see who can inject the zaniest new core belief into Cult45’s perpetually shifting scripture. Sky’s the limit, kids.
Of course, vaccine hooey is hardly the only thing provoking vein-popping shitfits amongst the Children of the Candy Corn; not since “socialism” have the American right’s pernicious propagandists stumbled across a Pavlovian white boy rage trigger as nebulously all-encompassing as “critical race theory.”
One thing you have to give the MAGA mob: they hate what they’re told to hate. The CRT “debate” is fairly new, but already you’ve got poo-flinging reactionaries demanding BODY CAMERAS FOR SCHOOL TEACHERS so they can be monitored by Real Muricans, lest anyone dare suggest the ruling Caucasian caste has e’er been anything but benevolent in their stewardship of the lesser races.
To aspiring Führer Ron DeSantis, who recently signed into law a bill explicitly designed to disenfranchise minorities, telling the truth about racism in America “teaches kids to hate our country and to hate each other.”
“…and that’s MY job,” he presumably muttered under his breath. Gonna have to pass on patriotism lectures from the party that, seemingly overnight, grew so comfortable offering voters hate and nothing but hate that they presented no policy platform whatsoever in the most recent national election.
There’s nobody, NOBODY who despises America, her principles and freedoms, her laws and her Constitution, more than the white supremacist death cult the GOP became under Trump. Which is why they’ve been working, diligently and quite publicly, to destroy it, and replace it with the kakistocrat madhouse that sacrificed tens of thousands of American lives to the whims of an inappropriately-promoted game show host.
Auditing tyranny in its aftermath can sure get monotonous, and I know there’s a certain “aw, meat loaf AGAIN” quality to all these stories of the Trump Administration secretly seizing journalists’ phone records, but see, THIS story is about the Trump Administration secretly seizing Democratic Congressmen’s phone records, so it’s actually a completely different thing, like when Lucky Charms rolls out a new marshmallow, only with authoritarian abuses of power instead of unnatural, but ultimately harmless sugar pellets.
The Oregon House of Representatives expelled Mike Nearman, who not only provided Breaching the State Capitol for Dummies instructions to far-right extremists, but even let the feral bastards into the building himself, so they could roam the halls and skirmish with law enforcement. Unlike their national counterparts, Oregon Republicans apparently possess the moral fiber (and basic survival instincts) necessary to reject the insurrectionists in their midst. If anybody involved wants to work out a little seminar on that topic, I’ll get someone to let you into Kevin McCarthy’s office.
Hey, let’s shake things up and end on an unusually high note tonight. I mean it, there’s something to celebrate. Get yourself a beer or a cupcake or something. Seriously, get one of those tiny little birthday candles out of the drawer with all the batteries and ketchup packets, this is a big effin’ deal.
I feel like this major, conclusive policy win for the American left landed largely as…well, mildly pleasant background noise, like the grocery store playing your third favorite Richard Marx song while you’re squeezing cantaloupes, and yes, Take This Heart is a banger, but this was the culmination of years of advocacy and activism and setbacks and just plain old hard-ass WORK, and it deserves a dang victory lap.
Particularly now, when everybody’s all surly as the realities of a 50/50 Senate come into focus. Making progress is seldom as simple as waving a wand, usually it requires grinding and grinding and grinding. And grinding. I’m just saying, when you pull down a W this big…fuckin’ STRUT for a bit. If nothing else, it’ll make the next round of grinding more bearable.
Anyway, one nice thing about being magnetized is that it’s easier to find my beer in the dark, which reminds me, I have some beer to drink in the dark now. Stay safe out there, Resisters. Try not to get swallowed by any whales.
*Lied about the jokey framework. Sorry.