- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Now That We Are Magnetized, My Antifa Comrades, the World Will Be Ours!
Addition by subtraction is REAL, y’all. Look at how much nicer life’s become with just ONE less cabal of fascist dipshits squatting in the White House. And as we keep on sliding down the path to reducing the supply of global pandemics, 2021 looks more and more like a B-52’s video every single day. I almost don’t wanna spoil it, but if you don’t keep your eye on ‘em, Nazis’ll get into the pantry and poop in the Cocoa Puffs.
Newly-released emails reveal that Mark Meadows, while serving as Chief of Staff to the President of the United States of America, tried to get the Justice Department to “investigate” some graffiti from the walls of the outhouse where Steve Bannon makes his home, which claimed Italian military satellites were used to alter election results, presumably in conjunction with the Jewish Space Laser.
…pretty cool that Meadows is still on the streets, free to use his on-the-job attempted coup training to develop more efficient democracy-ending tactics for the next time he manages to weasel his way into power, instead of behind bars for, y’know, repeatedly attempting to overthrow the government and whatnot.
In the interest of truth, justice, and the American way, I must concede that the Deposed Dotard was not, as was initially reported, wearing his pants backwards during his latest Please Clap Klan rally. He had merely filled his current diaper, you see, and rotated it in order to utilize the opposite side, a cost-cutting measure initiated under John Kelly. Let us be honest, my friends, lest we become that which we most despise.
Whatever may be going on with his pants, and the less thought expended on the matter the better, Tangerine Idi Amin cheered shithole-country-no-more Nigeria for banning Twitter, partially because his fascist heart delights in all assaults on free speech rights, partially because, as a rapidly-decomposing husk animated solely by petty grievances, he carries a special, extra-burning hatred for the social media companies which, in deplatforming him, castrated him even more thoroughly than the American electorate, and we were in full Joni Ernst mode, as you’ll recall.
You might want to lock up any pitchforks and/or torches before reading the ProPublica report on all the taxes the ultra-wealthy don’t pay. I don’t see what everyone’s so upset about…wasn’t this country founded on the principle that all men are created equal ASTERISK except for a handful of our obvious betters who are clearly entitled to hoard for themselves any wealth generated by the ingenuity and labor of the worthless serf class? I’m pretty sure I remember reading that.
I guess Mitch McConnell hacked up a few haughty remarks about the death of bipartisanship or some shit, but I couldn’t really hear his worn-out sectarian troll act over the sound of the Senate finally starting to confirm Biden-appointed progressive federal judges. (Love that song, don’t you?)
“Louie Gohmert is the dumbest man in Congress” is probably the most reliable running gag in American politics; he’d be like some lovable idiot uncle who guest-stars now and then if he wasn’t such a fascist prick. Anyhow, Louie brought the bleach-and-ultraviolet-light mindset to the problem of climate change, suggesting we just pull ourselves up by th’bootstraps and alter the moon’s orbit. Cue laugh track. Cut to commercial.
Speaking of low-IQ seditionists, Alabama’s Mo Brooks might just be the perfect Trump-era Republican. Let’s look under the hood, shall we?
Mewling Cowardice? CHECK: Brooks ducked Eric Swalwell’s “no dessert until you clean up after the white nationalist lynch mob you incited” lawsuit, slithering in shadow for weeks, until a private investigator finally tracked his wife down at their Alabama home.
Dumb as Not Just a Post But a Post Other Posts Would Call Unusually Dense By Post Standards? CHECK: In his ensuing meltdown, Mo managed to dox himself, because self-owning, pants-shitting tantrums are just a thing in wingnut culture, and frankly, I think we should be respectful of their customs and rituals, even the ones that seem primitive to us.
Shameless Mendacity in Pursuit of Personal Power? CHECKITY CHECK CHECK: Not only did the One-Man Brooks Brothers Riot lie about the encounter in an attempt to frame his pusillanimity as victimization, but he continues, even after all the violence and damage to America’s democratic institutions, to spew the Big Lie at every opportunity, believing, probably correctly, that such treachery will allow him to cakewalk into the United States Senate next year. Sleep tight.
I don’t want to clutter this one up with any jokey framework, ‘cuz it’s plenty nuts all on its own: the latest malignant absurdity beamed from Planet Cray into the fillings in MAGA Nation’s teeth* is this idea that the coronavirus vaccine somehow makes the human body…magnetic. And rather than rejoice at this unlooked-for supply of superheroes, these folks seem pretty pissed.
You watch this woman, a nurse, apparently, (and what a delectably dark detail that is) demand, with sarcastic fury, an explanation for her newfound magnetyness, even as the various metal objects she’s conscripted as support stubbornly refuse to cooperate with her delusions, and folks, THAT is what we’re up against: people who are so defiantly detached from reality that they’ll deny what is occurring directly in front of them. Millions of ‘em. Voters every one.
I swear to god, this is all the work of a half-dozen Funyun-drunk nerds in some Chechen basement with a wager to see who can inject the zaniest new core belief into Cult45’s perpetually shifting scripture. Sky’s the limit, kids.
Of course, vaccine hooey is hardly the only thing provoking vein-popping shitfits amongst the Children of the Candy Corn; not since “socialism” have the American right’s pernicious propagandists stumbled across a Pavlovian white boy rage trigger as nebulously all-encompassing as “critical race theory.”
One thing you have to give the MAGA mob: they hate what they’re told to hate. The CRT “debate” is fairly new, but already you’ve got poo-flinging reactionaries demanding BODY CAMERAS FOR SCHOOL TEACHERS so they can be monitored by Real Muricans, lest anyone dare suggest the ruling Caucasian caste has e’er been anything but benevolent in their stewardship of the lesser races.
To aspiring Führer Ron DeSantis, who recently signed into law a bill explicitly designed to disenfranchise minorities, telling the truth about racism in America “teaches kids to hate our country and to hate each other.”
“…and that’s MY job,” he presumably muttered under his breath. Gonna have to pass on patriotism lectures from the party that, seemingly overnight, grew so comfortable offering voters hate and nothing but hate that they presented no policy platform whatsoever in the most recent national election.
There’s nobody, NOBODY who despises America, her principles and freedoms, her laws and her Constitution, more than the white supremacist death cult the GOP became under Trump. Which is why they’ve been working, diligently and quite publicly, to destroy it, and replace it with the kakistocrat madhouse that sacrificed tens of thousands of American lives to the whims of an inappropriately-promoted game show host.
Auditing tyranny in its aftermath can sure get monotonous, and I know there’s a certain “aw, meat loaf AGAIN” quality to all these stories of the Trump Administration secretly seizing journalists’ phone records, but see, THIS story is about the Trump Administration secretly seizing Democratic Congressmen’s phone records, so it’s actually a completely different thing, like when Lucky Charms rolls out a new marshmallow, only with authoritarian abuses of power instead of unnatural, but ultimately harmless sugar pellets.
The Oregon House of Representatives expelled Mike Nearman, who not only provided Breaching the State Capitol for Dummies instructions to far-right extremists, but even let the feral bastards into the building himself, so they could roam the halls and skirmish with law enforcement. Unlike their national counterparts, Oregon Republicans apparently possess the moral fiber (and basic survival instincts) necessary to reject the insurrectionists in their midst. If anybody involved wants to work out a little seminar on that topic, I’ll get someone to let you into Kevin McCarthy’s office.
Hey, let’s shake things up and end on an unusually high note tonight. I mean it, there’s something to celebrate. Get yourself a beer or a cupcake or something. Seriously, get one of those tiny little birthday candles out of the drawer with all the batteries and ketchup packets, this is a big effin’ deal.
Because the Keystone XL pipeline is, at long last, officially deader than disco and significantly less likely to inspire an affectionate revival decades later. It’s over. We won. Full stop.
I feel like this major, conclusive policy win for the American left landed largely as…well, mildly pleasant background noise, like the grocery store playing your third favorite Richard Marx song while you’re squeezing cantaloupes, and yes, Take This Heart is a banger, but this was the culmination of years of advocacy and activism and setbacks and just plain old hard-ass WORK, and it deserves a dang victory lap.
Particularly now, when everybody’s all surly as the realities of a 50/50 Senate come into focus. Making progress is seldom as simple as waving a wand, usually it requires grinding and grinding and grinding. And grinding. I’m just saying, when you pull down a W this big…fuckin’ STRUT for a bit. If nothing else, it’ll make the next round of grinding more bearable.
Anyway, one nice thing about being magnetized is that it’s easier to find my beer in the dark, which reminds me, I have some beer to drink in the dark now. Stay safe out there, Resisters. Try not to get swallowed by any whales.
*Lied about the jokey framework. Sorry.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thanks to all who worked so hard to save native and non-native land from the future oil spills of the Keystone XL (EXTRA LARGE) pipeline, amd thanks to Joe Biden for his role.
I got my second shot five weeks ago, and AFAICT I’m not magnetized yet. At least, the steel snips on the desk aren’t sticking one bit. (Has anyone told these fools that keys are brass with nickel plating? You’d need a really strong magnet – like a multi-gauss electromagnet the size of a 1950s vacuum cleaner – to affect them.)
Who cares about being magnetic? They PROMISED me I would grow a dragon’s tail. Filthy liars.
That’s funny … my cast iron pasties are staying on now without the body glue. ‘Course, I got my second shot back in April, so maybe it takes a couple months for the full effect?
“Please Clap Klan rally” – omg, that’s hilarious! Maybe because it’s “so sad”…
Cap, my friend, I feel I gotta point out that, long before shitkicking Keystone XL was “a major, conclusive policy win for the American left,” Indigenous nations have been putting our peoples’ lives on the line for the survival of yethi’nihstenha tsi yonhwentsyake, our mother the Earth, against extractive capitalism and ecocide. Let’s stick a sparkler in some frybread for fighters like Ingrid Washinawatok, Sotsisowah John Mohawk, Sally Benedict, Eddie Bassett, Ed Burnstick, Deskaheh Levi General, the people of We’tsuwet’en First Nation, Elsipogtog, Déne, Kanasatake, and tens of thousands of ass-kicking elders, aunties, grandmas, and youth whose names you’ll probably never know, but who are still out there, right now, taking beatings, prison terms, and bullets in the head to protect our one and only Mother. I’m doing the happy dance with you over Keystone XL’s grave, but the American left still got lots to learn out here in Indian country.
Yup!
Even more powerful, clever and witty than usual! Thanks, Cap.
The key she so dramatically tried to stick to her body was brass…
Even on their smartest day they manage to limbo under that low bar.
Cappy, I was vaccinated back in January, and have been making a fair living daring unvaxxers to keep their pocket change when I walk by. I’m makin’ out like bandits, I swear. But now that the news is out, I am having trouble making ends meet! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get NASA to hire me to work in a fab or sumpin’ picking up parts that have rolled under the tables. I’m barely gettin’ by, guy. Do you have any suggestions for employers, for my amazing and still fairly rare new talent, in many states in the union, since so few of their imbecile “citizens” dare to get Magnetized! Like me! It’s not half bad! They’re all anti magnetizers!
Let’s just call him Morris (or Maurice, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h66V1hYAjG0 ) . Love your One-man Brooks Brothers Riot!
And so much other good stuff, like Please Clap Klan rally. Even with all your superb names for the Loser, I’m going to be referring to him only as Donny Diaper from now on. At least until it’s Inmate # 6141946.
Thank you for your splendid, scathing writing.
We’re drinking to the End of XL Death Funnel this weekend, cheers!
I think you are being too generous regarding the remote possibility of the Oregon State RepubliQan politicians acquiring vertebra and a sense of honor. I think they threw the traitor out because he endangered ALL of them – not just the Democrats. They know that these “militias” are mostly white male lunatics poisoned on exogenous testosterone injections, steroids and meth. Crazed males waving guns around are equal opportunity disasters – bullets are NOT partisan. If the armed nutjobs had burst in on a Democrats-only meeting then it would have been OK. Nearman would still be employed.
Outstanding, as usual. I don’t know how you keep up with everything that’s going on and stay so fresh and creative in your commentary. This one was extra delicious for me. Have a great weekend, Cap. I’m a-goin to get me a beer to celebrate the Keystone XL victory!
Thanks for your usual fresh and creative commentary on the week’s insanity. This one was was especially delicious. I’m taking your advice re celebrating the Keystone XL victory, and gettin’ myself a beer!
Man of God, and Insurrection Defender, Mike Pence does Stand Up Comedy. He needs a new career, because he will never be elected to anything ever again.
“Critical Race Theory teaches children as young as kindergarten to be ashamed of the color of their skin”.
He tells us the “white” 5 year olds, that these children are being taught in their schools to feel ashamed of being “white”. This is funny not just because of 400 years oppression and slavery, and Jimmy Crow, but he forgets the segregated, inferior schools for the nonwhites. And he forgets Greenwood, where schools were destroyed. And he wants Censorship of the history of slavery. As Bob Dylan (Nobel Laureate) would say: “They’re selling postcards of the hanging”, because postcards were sold with a picture of a lynching of three African Americans in Duluth Minnesota.
A Man of God is not supposed to tell lies, and promote racial hatred. He accuses President Biden of “more government, defunding the police, abandoning the right to life, censuring free speech, cancelling our most cherished liberties”. But needless to say, you should not accuse others of Censorship using Big Government when you yourself are cancelling free speech and history.
And of course he will try to censor the truth about the Jan. 6, and he wants to protect the terrorist criminals. “I will not allow the Democrats and their allies in the media to use one tragic day to discredit the aspirations of millions of Americans.” Can you say BENN-GAZZ-ZEEE!
poetry in motion, the cadence, the metre…the timbre, you are one heck of a writer. I read it aloud to my DH and LOL
Shit kicker blob Cappy . It is sad that the U.S has such a debased Rethuglican TRumpian Party trying to end democracy there . Keep up the good fight and enjoy that beer in the dark .
Louie G wants to move the moon? Nothing short of Lunacy…right?
Kudos for how well you expose hypocracy and ignorance ofthose wingnuts-makes my day!Aloha from Hawaii.