You’d think folks would be delighted at all the recent normalcy n’ prosperity n’ what have you, and yet millions (MILLIONS!) continue to screech NO! I WANT THE FUCKUPS WHO RUINED THE WHOLE WORLD BACK! Because they hate the same people, you see. With a decision-making process like that, what could go wrong? Let’s find out…

I’m pleased to announce we have a brand new correspondent here at Shower Cap’s Blog, on the Is the MyPillow Guy Still Driving a Steamroller Back and Forth Over His Own Scrotum beat! We’ll call him “Doug.” Let’s check in with Doug now:

Doug on the Is the MyPillow Guy Still Driving a Steamroller Back and Forth Over His Own Scrotum beat: Well, Cap, as you can see, the MyPillow Guy is indeed still driving a steamroller back and forth over his own scrotum.

Thanks, Doug! Looking forward to hearing more from you soon! Moving on…

Yet another newly-released batch of emails reveals that, during the Fall of the Turd Reich, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his degenerate lackeys pressured the Justice Department to investigate every single psychotic conspiracy theory posted in the comments section on Breitbart by random nutjobs who claimed the ghost of Ronald Reagan appeared to them in a dream after they poured a 2 liter of Mountain Dew Code Red on a bowl of bath salts and ate it like cereal.

…at least now we know why our executive branch was too busy to focus on petty, unimportant shit, like the coronavirus pandemic.

New polling shows the Children of the Candy Corn prefer Vlad “Not Exactly Shy About Despising the United States” Putin over Joe “Vaccines n’ Stimulus Checks” Biden. Turns out treason trickles down. Unlike wealth.

Seems former Shart House Counsel Don McGahn joined several elected Democrats and probably every American journalist in the distressingly-non-exclusive-but-so-secret-you-don’t-even-know-you’re-a-member society of Folks Who Had Their Phone Records Subpoenaed by the Trump DoJ For Reasons Which Were Totally Not Tyrannical, Promise. Wow, who could’ve predicted that a dime store Stalin would spy on his own people like that, except anyone with a brain larger than a cashew?

Rand Paul says democracy “goes against our history and what the country stands for,” because Jim Crow laws came from majority rule, y’see, when everyone knows what America REALLY stands for is Jim Crow laws implemented by a bitter, shrinking, white supremacist minority. Maybe if we dispatch a battalion of NYT reporters to the diners of Appalachia, we can find somebody who’s actually fooled by this shit.

I see Benjamin Netanyahu is still petulantly squatting in the Israeli prime minister’s official residence, shredding docs and rubbing his withered old autocrat ass on the furniture to mark his territory. I bet there’s a couch somewhere in Marm-a-Lago you can crash on, Bibi. Might have to kick Lindsey Graham to the floor first, but he’s used to that by now.

Mitch McConnell announced that, should the nation be so unfortunate as to see the Senate fall once more into his terrible terrapin claws, he would surely grab any opening on the Supreme Court in his brittle beak and drag it into his ossified shell for safekeeping until the next white nationalist fuckstick seizes power. WE KNOW, Yertle. Thanks for the reminder though; that’ll be a real nice, motivating clip for our GOTV efforts next year.

Headline news from our extremely healthy, first world democracy this week announced that perhaps the most prominent member of the House Republican Caucus finally acknowledged that the Holocaust really happened. The genuinely shocking revelation that the Vainglorious MTG is in fact, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, capable of learning, only makes the rest of her behavior more reprehensible, if you ask me.

Still, when Cerebral Discharge Marj asks the mirror in her office (the antique dealer told her it once belonged to Eva Braun herself) “Who’s the craziest congressional Nazi of them all?” she’s surely growing concerned by the intensifying challenge to her throne from Arizona’s least loyal dentist: Paul Gosar.

At press time, cleaning crews had not yet completed the herculean task of decontaminating New York Harbor following the Statue of Liberty’s vomiting fit, induced by Gosar’s obscene lies in defense of the treasonous insurrectionists who attempted to murder Congress and overthrow the government.

Now, I understand terrorist movements require martyrs, but maybe sitting U.S. Congressmen shouldn’t canonize violent criminals during hearings on domestic terror attacks, and maybe if he can’t secure the Speaker’s gavel without the support of a white supremacist scumbag who seeks to betray the anonymity of a brave law enforcement officer to a bloodthirsty mob, then Kevin McCarthy isn’t fit for leadership.

Sometimes this blog feels like a record skipping during a song about how the Republican Party despises America and keeps trying to destroy it, but look, I don’t make these repugnant fucks act the way they do, I just chronicle their treachery.

Which brings us to Representative Andrew Clyde. Like, I know we’re all the heroes of our own stories, but I really wonder how you craft a narrative in your head where refusing to shake the hand of a man who sustained severe injuries saving your life from a fascist lynch mob makes you anything other than a burst cyst on a warthog’s colon.

Meanwhile, Madison Cawthorn, likely worried he was losing traitor cred with MAGA Nation, tried to gin up a little attention by advocating the violent overthrow of the government, calling the U.S. Military a buncha sissies for good measure. Sorry kid, takes more than that to break through in this batshit day and age. Maybe try another Hitler-themed weekend getaway?

Celebrity drug dealer Ronny Jackson, whose assessment of the Velveeta Vulgarian’s weight strongly suggests cognitive impairment, dashed off a sad little letter, which my third grade teacher wouldn’t have accepted, demanding President Biden take the feared Person Woman Man Camera TV test, in his own sad attempt to troll his way onto prime time Newsmax. Well, Ronny, demand in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

Turns out Dana Rohrabacher was at the Capitol Riot, cuz you don’t earn a moniker like “Putin’s favorite Congressman” by demonstrating loyalty to the United States. Reading up on this story, I learned that Dana currently resides in Maine, where he works in the cannabis industry when he’s not engaged in recreational insurrection. This has been another thrilling entry in our Traitor Trivia™️ series.

There’s more? Oh god, they’re wearin’ me out tonight, folks…and now I see Tom Cotton believes the Chinese government is going to…lordy, this hurts my brain to even type…is going to harvest DNA from American athletes at the 2022 Winter Olympics to make…fuck me, this is so fucking dumb…TO MAKE SUPERSOLDIERS. Just like in comic books. Cool that a dude with a skull so full of bees that he signs his name to takes like that feels comfortable justifying the use of military force against peaceful protesters, ain’t it?

You’ll recall the Texas GOP just completed a whirlwind legislative session wherein they enacted a slate of laws drafted by cutting-and-pasting the Heritage Foundation’s Pornhub search history. One issue that wasn’t addressed was the glaring inadequacy of the state’s power grid; you know, the one that caused hundreds of deaths last winter because these maniacs value plutocrat profits over human lives.

See, to Lone Star Republicans, this mass casualty event, of their own deliberate creation, wasn’t really a problem, and therefore didn’t require a solution. The purpose of this grid isn’t to provide affordable power to their constituents’ homes, and certainly not to keep the filthy takers alive during extreme weather conditions, but rather, to squeeze every possible penny out of the serfs in order to further enrich their donor class.

And so, facing historic temperatures, the unfathomable bastards are demanding their constituents simply accept that their leaders have, through greed and bungling, shaved a century or so off everyone’s standard of living. Ration that energy, campers, and those of you who are about to die, (and there’s gonna be a bunch of ya) kindly do us the courtesy of dying quietly.

This is what you get when you elect the charlatans who screech “antifa” and “critical race theory” all day long, hoping you don’t notice their policy platform amounts to “rob the marks blind.” Well shit, with the newfound freedumb of their latest round of insane gun laws, y’all can just shoot the heat wave, right?

And I know I brought it up, but I just don’t have the strength to go through every individual wingnut shitfit over critical race theory; I think we have to accept that this is just another one of those never-ending circle jerks of rage the right engages in during the hours normal folks devote to stuff like baking and reading and sleeping.

Now, Tucker Carlson’s shtick is basically disinformation-via-Mad-Libs, and a regular favorite of late has been “The Capitol Riot was actually perpetrated not, as mile-high mounds of evidence prove, by a rabid mob of Trumpist losers*, but by (FILL IN THE BLANK), and while he was no doubt tempted by options like “The Starting Lineup of the ‘86 Mets” and “The Lovin’ Spoonful,” he ultimately went with “The FBI,” cuz you can never go wrong rilin’ the rubes up over the deep state, right?

These poisonous lies dribble down Fish Stix Hitler’s weak chin directly into the ravenous mouths of bird-brained dolts like Louie Gohmert, who turn around and regurgitate them dutifully on the floor of the U.S. House. Millions believe ‘em, and the country goes a little madder. Wheeeeeeee.

Bless former Vice Führer Mike Pants’ collaborating little heart, he still believes he has a future in Republican politics. Maybe if he gets heckled as a “traitor” by a few more conservative “Christian” crowds, he’ll figure it out. Poor Mikey Hairshirt, he was just caught with the bag when the music stopped. It really wasn’t fair.

Y’know what else wasn’t fair? Tearing families apart and imprisoning children in concentration camps. Or getting hundreds of thousands of people senselessly killed during a pandemic. I could go on (and on and on and on and on and on) but my point is, you wouldn’t have time to run for higher officer anyway, because you’re no longer a young man, and you’ll need to spend every moment remaining to you on your knees, begging your ghoulish, racist god for forgiveness for your many, many sins if you’re to have any chance of staving off eternal damnation. Frankly, Mike, it’s probably already too late.

I was gonna write a big long section on the Obamacare ruling here, because, as you know, I like to end the blog with good news, but I RAN OUT OF TIME DOCUMENTING THE WEEK’S PARADE OF BUTTHOLES. The news is still welcome, of course, you’ll just have to read about it somewhere else. Somewhere that isn’t drowning in buttholes.

YIKES. I’m gonna go take a nice, long shower now, wash off the tears and puke. You best believe I’m treating myself to a shower beer, too. Stay safe out there, friends, and be on the lookout for MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, coming soon from Resistance Comics, ONLY on Kickstarter!

*But I repeat myself.