Oh, just a light madness check-in

Fucking hell, what a week. Welcome to the dark American joke: What do a serial rapist and cop who murders a black man while he’s complying with said cop’s orders have in common? They’re both walking around today totally free of consequences. And as you scan every other column of the day’s newspaper, are you starting to think maybe we don’t live in the America your middle school Civics textbook promised? Me too, Resisters…me too.

Ugh. Anyhow, let’s catch up on the madness.

Hey, I dunno if you saw this, but the President of the United States is under FBI investigation! For obstruction of justice! Everybody’s yelling at teevees and getting lawyers and lawyers for their lawyers, are you supposed to get a present for your lawyer’s lawyer at Xmastime, or is just a card fine? Asking for a Bloated Orange Asshole.

Anyhow, Team Shart is leaning HARD into a strategy of discrediting Bob Mueller and his team. Noot Gingrich is out on every show that’ll give him time, I guess cuz his wife isn’t sick enough to cheat on yet, running his mouth about what a hack the Bronze Star/Purple Heart-winning dude with universal bipartisan respect is, and how we should trust the racist goon who ran a fake college instead. Good luck, Noot.

Folks, it doesn’t take a genius to see the strategy here. You don’t try to paint an investigator as a liar unless you know the investigation will inevitably turn up some legit DIRT. The only chance this Flock of Rectums has to survive the storm that’s coming is to fortify their Rube base, and hope they’ll screech loud enough that the institutional GOP will be so scared to piss them off that they’ll ignore the constitution, the rule of law, and basic human decency.

These bastards can, in short, fool some of the people all of time…but that group is an ever-shrinking minority, and the million dollar question is how many will stick around when the bill comes due.

Meanwhile, the House wing of the Russia investigation will be “inviting” Drumpf campaign digital director Brad Parscale for a little chat about Russian bots and foreign plots and ethical rot and whatnot.

And shit, this isn’t even the only investigation the Walking Liposuction Vat is under! The U.S. Commission on Civil Rights announced an investigation of their own! Hard to say what they’ll turn up, it’s not the like the administration is working on massive cuts to the Civil Rights Division in the Justice Department, or the education department is run by an evangelical lunatic who refuses to stand up for the rights of LGBT students, or the Attorney General is practically a Grand Wizard who was TOO RACIST FOR THE 1980’S FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Oh wait.

Things are actually bad all over for the parade of fuckheads calling themselves the Republican Party. See that bit where Chris Christie became least popular governor in the history of American polling? 15% approval rating. Adding insult to injury, none of that 15% is Bruce Springsteen.

Fox news dropped their trademark “Fair & Balanced” tag line, allegedly because they no longer wish to be linked to a phrase so closely associated with Famed Dead Pervert Roger Ailes. Me, I’ll assume Rupert Murdoch has contracted some sort of Pinocchio-like curse.

Leaked audio of a speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull mocking Ol’ Sunny D-Bag made some headlines. 732 White House sources tell me the President had to be tackled before he could order the launch of 45 Tomahawk missiles at the Sydney Opera House in retaliation.

Speaking of the military, I guess the President has decided that civilian oversight of the armed forces is for chumps who don’t have golfing to do, as he told Mad Dog Mattis “Do whatever the fuck you want, bro, I got television sets to yell at.” I’m sure the corresponding increase in civilian casualties is a coincidence and will result in no negative consequences whatsoever. Slaughtering children never made anybody join a jihadist organization, right?

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell continues to keep the Senate GOP’s version of the AHCA totally secret from everyone, which is exactly what you do when you have a great bill that everyone will love because of all the American lives it improves.

HHS secretary Price hasn’t seen it. John McCain hasn’t seen it, but he seems sure it’s rad. 15 patient advocacy groups, including the American Heart Association and the freakin’ March of Dimes, asked Mitch if they could please see the bill and offer their input and were told by the majority leader to kindly go fuck themselves.

Yertle the Turtle seems to think nobody will notice their health insurance has been taken away until their cancer has spread enough to render them incapable of voting. Resisters, whaddya say we get on the phones this week and disprove that little theory?

Meanwhile, frustrated at all the winning that their God Emperor isn’t doing, a bunch of Shartkins have decided to vent their frustrations on Shakespeare. They are SO MAD at Julius Caesar that they’re sending death threats to every theatre they can find, so the ones that aren’t near Burger Kings or strip clubs should be safe.

A couple of particularly publicity-minded dipshits interrupted the Public Theatre’s production on Friday night. They were super proud of themselves, and rushed to twitter to declare victory, but the show went on (as it inevitably must), and following the assclown ejection, the stage manager got on the intercom and was all “Actors, pick up from ‘Liberty! Freedom!'” and the audience cheered because Shakespeare > Fascist Dickbags.

Sherriff Dave Clarke decided to un-accept a post in DHS, thank all the gods in all the heavens. He said through a spokesman that his decision was based on a desire to spend more time with the corpses in his jail, and to continue cosplaying a legitimately important man at comic book conventions.

Anyhow, the Half-Circus-Peanut/Half-Testicular Tumor engaged in his one true political passion this week: reversing one of his predecessor’s policies. Does Drumpf understand one fucking thing about Cuba policy? Fuck no. But Little Marco Rubio pulled him aside and whispered in his ear about how that Black Guy Who Laughed at You at the Correspondent’s Dinner really loved his Cuba decision, so now we’re right back to trying the one thing that failed every single day for 50 years, because that’s how things are done these days, Jesus Fuck.

Donald J Trump, the “J” Stands for “I Have to Pay For Sex,” enjoys proclaiming theme weeks of late, and this was Flagrant Corruption Week!

The Marmalade Shartcannon released a financial disclosure form this week, primarily to rub everybody’s nose in how he’s getting away with his thrice-hourly violations of the emoluments clause. Yup, while he might not be passing any legislation of significance, our President sure is doing well on the Rakin’-in-Bribes front, thanks to a docile GOP, unwilling to conduct the slightest bit of law enforcement or oversight.

(Mid-terms are comin’, collaborators. Tick tock.)

Oh, and Sweet Potato Pol Pot actually appointed his son’s wedding planner to an important post in HUD, overseeing the housing of more than half a million people in New York and New Jersey, because ass-kissing is the only thing that matters on anybody’s resume these days. Seriously, a goddamn wedding planner. Remember the days when that woulda been the biggest story in the country for like, three weeks? Those were the fucking Wonder Years.

A new package of Russia sanctions passed the Senate with an all-but-impossible 97-2 bipartisan majority. And the executive branch actually wants to water them down as much as possible, because whatever Uncle Vlad has on Boss Shart is somehow worse than than constantly doing the Kremlin’s bidding while under investigation for collaborating with them during the election.

Oh, and it turns out the Russians renewed a bunch of Don the Con’s trademarks, included a handful…on election night last November. Yet another coincidence, I’m sure.

Or maybe it was Did You Believe Me When I Made Campaign Promises? Well, Suck My Withered Microwang, Rubes! Week. Not content with his already-massive betrayal of his base on the health care front, reports say Orange Julius Caesar is poised to reverse his promises on reducing drug prices in order to roll out a series of “reforms” that will benefit the drug industry at the expense of the rest of us, how unlike him. HEALTH CARE IS FOR CLOSERS, PLEBES.

And despite vaulting to power on the wings of crowds of racist yokels screaming “Build That Wall!,” Shart-o the Klown quietly walked back his plan to deport DREAMers, but don’t worry, the right wing media refused to report on it, so the frothing mobs will go right on believing it never happened.

WaPo reported that Orange Julius Caesar is having himself a hard time filling the vacancies in his administration, what with the corruption and fundamental indecency and so forth. I guess folks are thinkin’ “Served a treasonous authoritarian fuckstick” won’t be what the lobbying firm headhunters will be lookin’ for once this whole shitshow blows up in a few weeks, who’da guessed?

As always, there’s more, and I’d get in to it, but a Rasmussen poll was released today saying I’m greatest left-handed pitcher of all time, so I’m gonna go try out for Cubs now, y’all are on your own.