Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Oooooo, holiday madness! Different!
Hey there, folks. The insanity seems to be merely simmering this long holiday weekend, congress is in recess and Baron Golfin von Fatfuk merrily roams his natural habitat for a few extra days. But let’s check in real quick.
Still, what better way to ring in our annual celebration of Independence and Liberty than by undermining the free press, and encouraging violence against journalists, amiright? C’mon in, grab a hot dog, there’s a condiment bar over there by the ammo bin!
Yup yup, the Candycorn Skidmark, having ceased his emotional development as a toddler, passed on a cutesy little gif from his wrasslin’ days, o-so-cleverly doctored to make it look as though it was CNN (or I guess some cube-faced, CNN-branded genetic experiment gone wrong) and not Vince McMahon he was taking out with his poorly-executed clothesline (Seriously, man, a referee could pull that move off better! Can’t you do any fucking thing right?), because that it a normal thing that 70-year-old men do.
For extra fun, the gif in question seems to have been created by one of the grimier racist trolls dwelling near the vents of the sewage treatment plant of Reddit’s sphinctersphere or whatever the fuck the MRA/gamergate/alt-human crowd feels like calling themselves, I honestly don’t give a shit.
Amusingly, this information comes to us on the first anniversary of Drumpfy’s equally made-by-racist-trolls Star of David tweet, remember that? If a Twitter Trumpkin still insists the ol’ God Emperor isn’t racist, and no one believes him, does he make a sound as he masturbates, alone in his mom’s basement, to anime?
Oh, and Smallhands Magoo is getting ready for his big performance review, heh, ‘scuse me, “meeting” with Daddy Vlad at the G20 summit. Word is, he isn’t planning on even lightly admonishing Putin for his repeated, sustained attacks on our nation’s democracy, because…well…
…because the President of the United States doesn’t care about the country’s security. At all.
Isn’t that a weird lil’ thing to be dealing with? I confess, nothing in my American history n’ civics schooling prepared me for the eventuality of the country being led by a butthole-faced dirtbag who cares more about being criticized on cable tv than about protecting the nation from foreign attacks. EVERY DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE I GUESS.
Meanwhile, Kris Kobach continues to receive “Go fuck yourself” responses from various state-level officials for his sinisterly pathetic attempted data grab. Sources close to Kobach tell me he plans on collecting them all in a tasteful binder, displayed alongside those collectible state-themed quarters from a few years back. He hopes to eventually give the binder to his grandchildren in an effort to bribe them into communicating with him, but they won’t, because Grampa Kris is white supremacist who tried to sell his country out to petty authoritarians, and no one will say his name without immediately spitting.
Oh, and Kris got hit with a Hatch Act complaint, lots of that going around these days. Almost enough to make you think these fucks fancy themselves above the law. Tick tock, assholes.
Team Shart is reportedly at work on a plan to smuggle Sunny D-bag into Great Britain on short notice so nobody has enough time to organize protests. Do they think it takes, like, a month and a half to make a posterboard sign that says “Oi, fuck off ye wee-fingered cunt?” Geniuses, the people ain’t.
Speaking of genius, the Senile Circus Peanut pried himself away from the teevee long enough to deliver some batshit remarks about space, while Buzz Aldrin looked at him like the child-brained lunatic he is, and we had a little a laugh, because if he’s babbling incoherently about space travel, I guess he can’t order the bombing of Cleveland because Jerry Springer made fun of him on Twitter.
Chris Christie, with approval ratings lower that “Having Syphilis and Being Set on Fire and Also You Live in a Port-a-Potty,” decided he has nothing left to lose and went FULL JAG this weekend. After shutting down the government, (and thus all public parks and beaches) in a budget scrap with his legislature, Governor Jag took his family out for a private party on one of the beaches the people own, but can’t use this holiday weekend because Christie shut the government down. And of course he lied about it, and of course he caught in the lie, photographed by some enterprising journalists at NJ Advanced Media (journalists are the fuckin’ BEST, y’all).
This is NOT what Bruce Springsteen would do, Chris. I wonder if we got a kickstarter going, if we could commission The Boss to write a song about what a sad sorry sack o’ shit Chris Christie is. Somebody get on that.
The Anthropomorphic Outhouse apparently caught wind of the tragic story of Charlie Gard, and decided to use a grieving family to score some cheap points. He offered them his help in transporting Charlie to the United States for an experimental treatment with an extremely low chance of success. It seems almost noble, until you remember the GOP “healthcare” (how Paul Ryan says that without cackling like a demon escapes me) bill he’s been pushing would kick millions off medicaid and impose lifetime coverage caps, directly creating God knows how many thousands of Charlie Gards.
But still, the Breitbart crowd takes this as proof that their boy is history’s great humanitarian now. And they’ll likely keep on believing it right up ’till the moment when Tom Price shows up at their door to reclaim their transplanted kidney for non-payment of bills. (Price reportedly likes to rip the repossessed organs out with his bare hands, chanting “KALI MAAAAAAAAA” at the top of his lungs.)
In the midst of all this fuckery, Fox News is so desperate to cover any damn thing except the actual news they actually put some kid who cleaned up Tangerine Idi Amin’s walk of fame star on the air. Kid, you can wipe it off, but that thing’s still gonna get pissed on more than All the Urinal Cakes West of the Mississippi Put Together.
But hey, the news ain’t all bad, resisters! Swamp Thing Villain Scott Pruitt lost a big court case on pollution standards, and the death merchants at the NRA lost a stand-yer-ground case in Florida. And if nothing else, we’re one day closer to the Goddamn Midterms, which you should all vote in.
Anyway, have a happy Fourth, everybody! Hope Drumpf doesn’t sell your hometown to Putin for a handful of shiny, shiny beads!