Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
A slow news day…still swimming in madness…
Kinda quiet today, huh? With SCROTUS and so much of his team traveling to Europe, the air seemed a little sweeter, didn’t it? A little less…sharty, I guess is the word I’m looking for.
Anyway, the Living Garbage Pail Kid is in Poland by now, where the compliant right-wing government has promised to bus in a crowd full of ringers to cheer him and loudly proclaim the normalness of his hand size.
Still, Ol’ Shartful was greeted by a glowing green protest message, “NO TRUMP YES PARIS” projected on the Palace of Culture and Science. Drumpf was reportedly frightened at the sight of the projection, as the giant green lettering reminded him of the recent GHOSTBUSTERS remake, which he believes to be a documentary.
Anyway, I hope he found his limo in Warsaw. Or at the very least that some handler steered him to it before he wandered off into the night and joined some creepy Eastern European circus that’d dress him up like some crazed, roller-pin-wielding babushka and charge children a ruble or two to throw rotten eggs at him.
I want to take a moment to draw everybody’s attention to one of the most tragic stories in America today. It seems Nikki Haley, our United Nations Ambassador, had to WORK on the holiday! Because the various members of Team Shart generally prefer to suffer in noble silence, we wouldn’t even know of Haley’s plight were it not for the Tweet she sent out to the entire world whinging about having to spend the day in meetings rather than joining the rest of the Cabinet in shooting bottle rockets at the bushes on the White House lawn until Sean Spicer was driven, singed and crying, into the open to be pelted with uneaten potato salad.
Well, Ambassador Haley, we in the Resistance feel your pain. We’re sorry you had to work on the Fourth, you poor thing. Granted, countless thousands of Americans had to work, too, many of them in jobs that don’t pay them enough to meet their basic needs, and your party is fighting like hell to steal their health insurance, but FUCK, MEETINGS ARE THE WORST, RIGHT?
Anyhow, with most of the usual suspects quiet today, maybe we can focus on how the modern GOP, independent of Sphincter-Faced Goon who took over last summer, is cruelly, uncontrollably, gleefully, batguano cray all on their own, shall we?
Let’s start with Louisiana Congressmoron Clay Higgins, who decided that Auschwitz was the appropriate backdrop for a self-aggrandizing video that called, horrifyingly, for an “invicible” military, a sentiment shared by the builders of the gas chambers Clay decided to use as his theatrical backdrop. That Higgins, who has previously called for the indiscriminate murder of all those merely suspected of being “radicalized,” should be so hideously, cartoonishly lacking in self-awareness should surprise no one at this point. But still. Fuck, bro. What’s wrong with you?
Didja see that Florida Republicans passed a law that enables any random jag to challenge any aspect of the curriculum in the public schools in their district? They really fucking did this. So now that guy who gets all jacked up on bath salts and fucks an alligator to death can go your daughter’s grade school and challenge the math book BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SIX TIMES EIGHT MEANS IT’S TIME TO CHEW THE GYM TEACHER’S FACE OFF, KIDDIES!
Of course, that’s not the bill’s intention, I shouldn’t be so silly. The point is for crazed evangelical lunatics to gain legal standing to chase climate change and evolution and other aspects of the Demon Men Call Science out of our schools, because “Goddammit, if my kid’s gonna be raised a dumbass, it ain’t fair for your kids to get a real education, they’ll have a leg up.”
Mitch McConnell and his band of entry-level Koch employees, excuse me, “United States Senators,” continue their quest to find the maximum number of American lives to ruin and/or end without facing electoral consequences, bless their black, shriveled, little hearts.
Word is Ted Cruz and Mike Lee, America’s favorite pair of incorrigible lunatics, reeeeeaalllly want to squeeze as much murder as possible into the bill, while Dean Heller frantically scrambles for a photo op where he like, plugs some grandmother’s respirator back in, or something.
So Mitch finds himself caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place here, especially since Rand Paul on the I-would-literally-hunt-and-eat-the-poor-if-I-could-get-away-with-it Right and Susan Collins on the I’m-running-for-governor-and-I-can’t-win-if-my-constituents-notice-I’m-killing-them Center keep indicating their opposition is more or less cast in stone. (GET IT? ROCK? STONE? I’ll stop now.) Shit, all Mitch wants to do is lay a shit-ton of eggs on the beach and swim away into the sea for a year or so, you’d almost feel bad for him if he wasn’t such a power-mad evil fuckhead. But he is. So, y’know…fuck him.
Meanwhile, individual Republican Senators are doing everything in their power to avoid anything that even resembles a constituent on their holiday recess. They’re either refusing to meet with any citizens, or doing so only in the most out-of-the-way, hard-to-reach, deep-red corners of their states. Shit, Pat Toomey had a fake, invitation-only “town hall,” hoping nobody would notice the protesters he refused to let in. We told Pat we noticed, but he just squinted real hard and covered his ears and insisted we weren’t real. If I found out that, say, Roy Blunt, scheduled an open town hall in Gotham City or Narnia or some shit, hoping to slip back to D.C. before anybody figured it out, I wouldn’t even blink.
And hey, no need to keep the spotlight solely on the political class! Nah, let’s get down in the weeds and spend some time with the base! These Real Muricans who every media outlet tells me matter more than anyone else despite their inability to tell the difference between observable reality and Pizzagate.
Seems a bunch of the little Shartkins whipped themselves up into a state of extra-frothy rage at National Public Radio for their terrible horrible no good very bad divisiveness! How dare they criticize the God Emperor by…tweeting out quotes from the Declaration of Independence?
C’mon, really? REALLY? I mean, if these folks were bright, they’d have seen through Don the Con like the rest of us, but…yelling at the fuckin’ DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE? Are we 100% sure this is real? Because if somebody told me we were all living inside an unfinished draft screenplay of a Michael Bay movie, I’d go, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…makes sense.”
Good Gravy, this stuff with CNN and the internet hatebeast that made the stupid WWF video? I guess the big cause on the right today is…give me a minute, this is so epically fucking stupid that I can’t be sure I’m getting it right…that CNN blackmailed the guy (they didn’t) and he’s only 15 (he’s a grown man) and they doxxed him (again, no) and it’s some kind of evil fake news media assault on a Trump supporter (wait, what?) and they broke some laws (wh-am I on a hidden camera show or something?) and it’s…fuck. I get it. Y’all hate the media, and you don’t really need an excuse to run around ripping your hair out and screeching about whatever perceived sin they’ve committed, but c’mon…you’re sticking up for some rando that makes a bunch of racist hate memes? Is this, finally, what the American Right has come to? WHO WILL THINK OF THE ANONYMOUS REDDIT KLANSMEN?
There was that little thing where it turns out that the gender pay gap among White House staff under the Shart is wider than it’s been in years, you saw that, right? Puts you in a weird position, doesn’t it? Like, our values are our values, but are we rooting for Omarosa and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to get raises?
Oh, and Hobby Lobby, aka the Tip of the Spear of Religious Liberty, got caught smuggling thousands of ancient artifacts out of Iraq, because while covering birth control for their employees is against their religion, years of massive, organized theft isn’t, in spite of Thou Shalt Not Steal being engraved rather clearly on all those Ten Commandments monuments these fucks are always trying to install in publicly-owned spaces.
Funny, how often the folks who spend half their lives passing judgment on the morality of others turn out to be criminals who don’t live by the rules they’d force on the rest of the world…innit?
Huh. There was a bit more insanity than I’d initially thought. Well, let’s all take a breath, open a beer, and get back to photoshopping Chris-Christie-on-the-Beach into assorted amusing historical and fictional scenes. If there’s a God, that’s why he made us.