American Madness Journal

 I don't know why I do this, y’all. Every damn day is the same, reading the news is like biting into a donut, hoping for raspberry filling, only to wind up with a mouthful of cat litter and broken glass. Oh well, I've built up some calluses on the roof of my mouth by...

  Yeah, things remain shitty, here in the Inception sequel where we break into David Duke's mind to...wait, what? This is real life? Fuck. You mean Rutger Hauer really died? Since his Big Stupid Trade War isn't pushing Americans into despair and poverty quick enough...

 So, the Trump 2020 reelection effort has just two messages at the moment: LOOK AT HOW RACIST I AM, AIN'T IT GREAT and HOW DARE THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA CALL ME RACIST. I can see how this might seem confusing, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll remember...

 Gosh, what a fun week. It was like coming to a fork in the road at some sort of Milton Bradley Game of Life knockoff, and suddenly you realize one of the paths in front of you leads to White Supremacist Race War in America, and you really really really wish you'd...

 I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain't easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let's do this. Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite...

 Y'know, I spent a long, frustrating, and ultimately futile afternoon at the DMV yesterday, and that felt like a soothing Caribbean vacation next to the goddamn news. Plus, no residual sand in any bodily crevices. Fuck it, send me back. A federal appeals court ruled...

 Good God. Keeping up with the news these days is like dunking your head in the vomit bucket in a meth den. Well, the sooner we push through this shit, the sooner we get to shower...I see Dorito Mussolini wasted little time in turning his failed, pathetic, Stalin...

 Look, everybody and their dog already covered the “It's hard to celebrate America with kids in cages and tanks in the street” take, so I'll go the “reality got so fucked up that Mad Magazine couldn't compete anymore” route. Shit be good n’ righteously cray, is all...

 Reading the news these days is like being locked in a tank that's rapidly filling with distilled, liquid, madness, doing your damndest to evolve gills. Still, I will be goddamned if I let this fuckery ruin Olivia de Havilland's 103rd birthday for me!A federal court...

 This week's news fell out of the ugly tree & hit every single branch on the way down, & then the squirrels that live in the ugly tree took turns shitting on it. The news is buried under the poo of ugly squirrels, is what I'm telling you. So let's dig it out,...

 Y'know, we went into this presidency with expectations somewhere between “incessant shitstorm” and “the end of all human civilization,” but sometimes I still can't fathom how we arrived at the monstrosity of this moment. But then I realized, we've been receiving...

 Y’all, the history books written about this demented era are gonna need disclaimers: “No we fucking swear all this shit really happened. Yes, even Carter Page. We think people were just a whole lot dumber back then.” Let's add another volume, I guess.Well, the...

 I was several hours into reading the day's news before I realized, to my chagrin, that I had neither consumed hallucinogenic drugs nor experienced severe head trauma, and therefore all this shit was really happening. Which is a shame. Well, let's dive in. Mike Pompeo...

 This week's news reads like an issue of Mad Magazine, guest edited by H.P Lovecraft after an allergic reaction to bad shellfish. If you're reading this blog near other people, you may want to keep a pillow handy, to scream into. Well, Hairplug Himmler isn't going to...

I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn't chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I 'spose.When...

 Fucking hell, this shit is exhausting. Working through the newspaper today is like reading crappy fanfic that explores the backstories of every Nazi Indiana Jones ever knocked off a moving truck. Anyhow, if you feel like reading a bunch of stories about shitty people...

 Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can't possibly be any more bizarre than what's going on in real life, right?So, Redactor General...

It's always nice when Shithead leaves the country, isn't it? The air just smells a little cleaner, which I assume is the absence of experimental hair tonic fumes and overdone steak farts. Anyway, it looks like Customs let the fucker back in, so I guess it's back to...

Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable. Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck...

Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit. From the state Republican Party that brought you...

  Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moment’s fucking peace. Little shits. Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs...

  Before we dive into the latest antics from Kevin’s kooky kakistocrats, let’s take a moment to remember the context: this is an audition, folks. This is the Republican Party putting its best foot forward. These are their church clothes, and this is their best...

  Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women's health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into...

  Watching Republicans take control of the House of Representatives has been like looking at TikTok videos where they give sea monkeys knives and meth. Which I hope isn’t a real thing. It’s fuckin’ nutty out there, is what I’m trying to say. Well, it took a...

  We’ve seen some stupid, stupid shit together over the years, you and I, but this week…hoo boy. The Republican Party simply will not stop stabbing itself in the brain. God knows why. Just double fisting icepicks and gouging away. After squandering the most...