Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs
Before we dive into the latest antics from Kevin’s kooky kakistocrats, let’s take a moment to remember the context: this is an audition, folks. This is the Republican Party putting its best foot forward. These are their church clothes, and this is their best behavior. Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
I use the word “unteachable” a lot in this blog because, well, how could I not? The Marvel comic about this Congress would be titled The Unteachable Kevin McCarthy. The signals from the 2022 midterm electorate were, um, let’s call them unsubtle, and yet Kevin’s message to everyone watching his first, faltering steps is, “Well actually, I don’t think you people gave Herschel Walker a fair shake, I’m going to speak louder and slower and you’ll see how wrong you were.”
The master plan, which is just leaderiffic if you ask me, is to plant Marjorie Taylor Greene center stage, and throw the doors open to the public. Don’t miss her on Oversight! Tune in every Wednesday to the United States House Committee on Homeland Security, to watch this idiot Nazi, excuse me, that’s unfair, this idiot Serial Inciter of Violence/Purveyor of Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theories Who is Definitely Not a Nazi, There’re Super-Important Differences, wield the power of public office!
Kevin McCarthy and Marjorie Taylor Greene have a BOND, you guys. They’re buds. They go on bike rides and share malteds and stay up late chatting about Hunter Biden’s penis. Marj thinks she’s gonna be Vice President, by the way. And why wouldn’t she, with her “respectable” House colleagues so willing to justify their party’s elevation of a 9/11 truther to so many posts of prominence?
Kevin McCarthy is creating subcommittees just for Marjorie Taylor Greene to serve on. Yeah, she gets to work on the inquisition into, of all things, the government’s response to COVID-19. After spending the entire pandemic uncritically platforming every scrap of disinformation that drifted into her field of vision. That’s happening in real life. The Speaker of the House wants this wild-eyed fascist twit on television, screeching gibberish at Dr. Fauci. He believes that to be good governance, and good politics.
Now, it’s always a pleasure watching President Biden outmaneuver congressional Republicans, but I’m really enjoying the simple elegance of this “by all means, let’s hear more about Chip Roy’s plans!” approach to the debt ceiling standoff. Heh. Speak up so everybody can hear ya, Chip!
I’m sure Joe Biden would like nothing more than to spend a few weeks defending Social Security from you weirdos. If you really, truly want to pick that fight, with a wily old bastard who knows how to fight it…hey, I support your decision 100%. The public’s already on to your bullshit, dorks. Proceed.
Oh, and since you can’t afford to lose his vote, you’ll be taking this whoopin’ with George Santos providing the background music, a never-ending, cacophonous, avant-garde symphony of drag photos, campaign finance crimes, and Hitler jokes. George wants to help the Jewish space laser lady raise the age for Medicare eligibility, isn’t that right, Chip?
A group of Republican House freshmen theatrically boycotted a White House reception, over COVID rules, because conservatism is mostly about throwing the same tantrums over and over until you drop dead. What a cool way to be. Yelling at science, defending the likes of Santos and MTG. Looks awesome, you guys, congratulations on your lives.
Join me in a sinister cackle, comrades, for we have successfully Jade Helmed Newsmax off of DirecTV! Muah hah hah, another successful speech suppression operation perpetrated by the vast, Soros-funded conspiracy against all that is true and right. Or, maybe, just maybe, another shoddy Fox knockoff that failed to find an audience in an oversaturated market?
It’s not DirecTV’s responsibility to compensate you financially for your failings, you socialists. There’s nothing sinister at work here, you’re just not very good at something that not a lot of people want. I get that, I used to be a stage actor. You’re the community theatre version of what the Murdochs do, and I imagine whatever audience there may’ve been for such a product ivermectined its way out of the subscriber base some time ago, alas.
Worried their clown makeup wasn’t reading in the cheap seats, congressional Republicans actually vowed to investigate this nonsense. Elise Stefanik tweeted, “It would be unacceptable to de-platform Newsmax, a popular news channel that many of my constituents in #NY21 depend on for news.” Give us a fucking break, Elise. People watch Newsmax for news the way they read Playboy for the articles, only less so.
Mike Pompeo made a hard play for the not insignificant segment of the Republican primary electorate that attended Trump rallies mostly to threaten journalists, taking a controversial “if Khashoggi didn’t want to be dismembered by an autocrat’s bonesaw why was he dressed so journalistically?” stance in his new book, which I believe is titled Big Tuff Scary Mike and His Presidential Delusion.
Again, this is vote-for-me Mike Pompeo. Mike Pompeo on his book tour.
Jim Banks thinks it’s a shame that bodily autonomy is just a hop, skip, and a jump over the state line away for so many American women, and that Indiana oughta elect Jim Banks to the U.S. Senate so he can do sumthin’ about that. Can’t say I agree, but then, I wouldn’t’ve elected a seething, puritanical dweeb Governor, either.
Speaking of Mike Pence, it seems he, too, is naught but a petty smuggler of classified documents, which would complicate quite a few wingnut narratives, if the MAGA mob required logical consistency from the Two Minutes Hate, which they, um, don’t.
I’d like to quickly share, as sort of a palate cleanser, my favorite political headline of the week:
I got such a warm chuckle out that. Such charmingly harmless self-deception, compared to the kind we usually get. Anyway, back to the awful shit.
I see Off-Brand Orbán finally mustered the stamina to add a little campaigning to his presidential campaign. All his would-be rivals are still quivering in terror, of course, even though he can’t find anyone willing to be seen with him in South Carolina, (outside of his loyalest lapdog, Lindsey, of course) which just goes to show the perils of building a cult of personality around a massive loser.
Other Trump 2024 launch events included a bizarre, inappropriate eulogy for the recently departed “Diamond” (or “Silk,” possibly) and a curiously public victory lap over a fraudulently won golf tournament. And if you are truly afraid to challenge this sad, soggy sack of shit, may I gently suggest you are perhaps not cut from presidential timber?
You know who’s not afraid of Donald Trump? Joe Biden.
Well, wee Donnie may be a loser, but at least he’ll be a loser with a Facebook page again, assuming he can get out from under his own loser social media platform, which failed, like everything he’s ever attempted in his loser life. Meta’s hoping to rake in the big bucks by catering to the Q crowd, echoing the strategy that’s worked out so well for Newsmax and Twitter.
Twitter. Good gravy. Poor Elon can’t figure out where he went wrong. “How many Nazis do I have to reinstate to get my advertising revenue back!?!?” he bellows, alone at night in his office. He’s a genius.
As the fallen Turd Reich seeks resurrection, perhaps we should take a look at some of the recent revelations about the way they wielded power the first time, from the thuggish corruption of Bill Barr and John Durham to the federal execution spree they somehow managed to make time for during their Keystone Koup.
I thought it was fitting that news of Billy & Johnny’s aborted Watergate sequel broke the same week the special agent in charge of counterintelligence for the FBI’s New York office during the 2016 election got arrested for working for a Russian oligarch. But yeah, clearly there was no legitimate reason to launch that investigation that found all those crimes. Pay no attention to the high-ranking FBI official on Oleg Deripaska’s payroll. Something something deep state.
John Eastman faces potential disbarment in California, over his role in that one criminal conspiracy to end American democracy on behalf of a game show host. Yeah, he probably shouldn’t be a lawyer. Though I can’t imagine there’s much of a line outside his office at this point. I mean, who would hire John freakin’ Eastm-oh right.
Look, all Ron DeSantis did was use powers he recently granted himself to outlaw the teaching of an AP African American Studies course, what’s the big deal, and incidentally, can you believe some people claim institutional racism exists?
It took weeks of sustained harassment and her own personal slur, but a Republican actually denounced Donald Trump’s racism this week. I’d like to express my sincere appreciation to every single Republican who supported, seconded, or shared Secretary Chao’s message, which won’t take long.
The RNC resoundingly rewarded Ronna Notromney for her record of steady, sustained failure, and you see how challenging it is for me to avoid landing on “unteachable” every other paragraph. Shoutout to the four deep thinkers who actually voted for the MyPillow guy, though.
Four more Oath Keepers were convicted of seditious conspiracy, while the Proud Boys trial is still underway. Jury selection starts Monday in the case of the Loyal Order of Real Men Who Pulled Up Their Pants All By Themselves And Everything.
That guy who peaked when he got to act like a twelve-year-old in Nancy Pelosi’s office for a few minutes was also convicted, and he sure has a cool life ahead of him now. At least he got to meet Tucker Carlson.
Not that you asked, but Tucker spent his week ranting about insufficiently sexy candy mascots and the dastardly wokeness of XBox’s new power-saving settings, when he wasn’t threatening to invade Canada, presumably with the legion of freaks he drives violently insane every night. And somehow, he still wasn’t the shittiest thing on Fox this week.
No, that honor belongs to their on-air response to the release of bodycam footage from the Paul Pelosi attack. Zounds. I’m sure it stung, the rush of memories from those heady days of hammer jokes, when your precious red wave seemed so certain, but maybe a little good, old-fashioned shame is just what you kids need.
I myself require something a little…hoppier, if you’ll forgive the customary, clumsy, closing transition to the (improved n’ expanded!) tip jar page. And if not, well, I don’t need your forgiveness, you’re not my mom, but stay safe out there either way, okay?