Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
All Things Being Equal, I’d Rather Be the Jobs Guy
Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moment’s fucking peace. Little shits.
Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs Committee, yippee for you. Took you fifteen tries just to turn the lights on, but when it’s time for petty payback, you’re one-take wonders. I was told there would principled moderates preventing this kind of thing. Tell me some more about Don Bacon, and all the shenanigans he won’t stand for, by gum.
This playground power grab was hailed as, I kid you not, a successful test of Kevin’s whipping operation. Zounds. You ever get the feeling these dolts’re held to a different standard than, say, oh, I dunno, Hillary Clinton, for example?
Anyway, I’m sure you fooled lots and lots of people with your pious justifications for excommunicating the brown lady; I mean, you were fighting anti-Semitism so hard, surely no one noticed you elevating that one deranged bigot to a position of national prominence. No, not the dentist, the other one, the one with the history of anti-Semitism substantial enough to warrant a callout from the US Holocaust Museum.
Yes, Marjorie Taylor Greene is cleaning up her image to gain power, if the headlines are to be trusted. Cleaning up her image. I feel like once you’ve publicly suggested that wildfires are caused by Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space, the ol’ reputation is more or less locked in.
Kevin, probably because he likes answering questions about Ashli Babbitt, gave Marj all the power she could ask for anyway, which is how she found herself on an honest-to-goodness congressional committee, bellowing about the $5.1 billion-per-school wokeness grants she made up. Another stellar bit of leadering by the 55th Speaker of the House, arguably the leaderest leader this nation has ever seen. Pelosi was a cuck.
My god, this doofus is flummoxed by Joe Biden’s wily insistence that House Republicans state an opening position in the debt ceiling standoff they started. Flat out flummoxed. Never in his wildest dreams did Kevin McCarthy imagine he’d need to publicly identify the specific spending cuts he wants. It’s breathtaking to behold.
“What do you want, Kevin?”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“What do you want? What policy outcome are you seeking?“
…and Kevin can’t get his head out of that bag. It’s been a week, folks. A week.
“Aw heck, Mr. President, you’ve got me all tied up in knots! I figured we’d call you names for a few weeks, and then, I dunno…maybe you’d cut Medicaid?”
“Mmm. Well, come back when you figure out what you’re asking for, and we’ll take another crack at the ‘negotiating’ thing. Say hi to all your naked pictures of my son!”
Flummoxed. Fllllllllllummoxed. You haven’t seen the last of that word, friends. This goon squad can’t even convene a committee without accidentally granting the opposition a supermajority.
Obviously, everyone’s been super busy, fighting anti-Semitism, and owning imaginary libs with their cute little assault rifle pins, but I’m sure the serious governance is right around the corner. Any day now. Two weeks.
Watching Off-Brand Orbán’s campaign apparatus lurch back to life has been…well, it’s the old, familiar nausea, isn’t it? I’d almost forgotten the doddering old creep’s limitless capacity for resentment, for hate, for endless, mewling victimhood…can’t you just leave us alone, you fucking loser? Go home, loser, inflict yourself on your shitty kids, nobody likes you.
…nobody except, granted, your whiny loser cult. Congratulations on seven years and counting of falling for this sad, flaccid con, dorks. I know your precious media bubble is shielding you from the spectacle of your boy pleading the fifth over and over again like the cheap mobster he is, but it’s right here waiting for you when you’re ready. Top shelf, next to the Covid vaccine.
Until then, enjoy your big, tuff “revenge tour,” watching grandpa ramble about his secret plan to end the war in the Ukraine by kissing Putin’s ass extra hard, in that secret spot only he knows about. He’ll play all the hits, (I hear he’s got an extended version of the toilet flushing bit that runs fifteen minutes, with a Stephen Miller drum solo) while working in new material here and there; it’ll be like watching a fascist prop comic at a state fair.
Incidentally, does “pink-haired communist teachers” sound like something you could get behind hating? Could that branding entice you to pitch a fit at a school board meeting or phone in a bomb threat or perhaps even join the ranks of some paramilitary organization and do some terrorism?
Because that gurgling undercurrent of violence will, obviously, be following Donald Trump back to the campaign trail; (and to Facebook and Twitter, thanks, billionaire tech bros!) he’s only gotten dumber and crazier in his Norma Desmond phase, he’s always spreading Q shit, and I bet somehow his pants fit even worse now, in incomprehensible, cubist ways.
Never fear, though, the Republican establishment is finally awake to the threat, and they are ON IT. They’ve developed a foolproof plan, to hope real hard that someone solves their problem for them, I mean, everybody dies eventually, right?
Should this stratagem somehow fail, the fallback plan, as expressed by such paragons of moderatey moderateness as Larry Hogan and Chris Sununu, is to once again wholeheartedly support the fellow who spent the entire transition period attempting to overturn the election he lost, culminating in a terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol. My goodness, it’s so blindingly moderate, I find myself wearing sunglasses indoors.
I see Nikki Haley requires remedial education in the fundamental forces of white nationalist politics. Money donated to Nikki Haley’s presidential campaign should be taxed at a rate of 200%; surely a nanny state is required in the face of such senseless waste.
It’s hard enough to imagine a lower pursuit than emulating Donald Trump, but then Ron DeSantis’ dumb, thuggish take on MAGA authoritarianism is just so…repellent. The bits that kill on the death cult retirement home circuit might not play so well with voters who don’t have the luxury of driving themselves insane on the right-wing internet all day, y’know.
There are limits to the audience for the whinging white grievance of this spat with the College Board, and believe it or not, there are voters who won’t view your pathetic bullying of small, liberal schools as promotion-worthy. I’m just saying there might be a few underpants gnomes in this grand plan to ride a wave of Fauci derangement and petty tyranny to the White House.
But hey, if you creeps really want to stomp around, snatching books about Rosa Parks out of school libraries, while Joe Biden talks America’s ear off about all the jobs he’s created, you go right on ahead. Go apeshit. Build your “National Election Integrity Team” to keep looking for bamboo fibers, while reminding everyone what crazy, crazy assholes you all are. If it worked for Kari Lake, it’ll work for you! It totally worked for Kari Lake, by the way. She’s the uncrowned Queen of Arizona, Steve Bannon told me so.
At the rate we’re going, the 2024 Republican presidential debates’ll wind up as contests to see who can shout “groomer” the loudest. Moderated, no doubt, by Chaya Raichik. Of course Wee Don squealed with glee at the opportunity to roll around in the trans panic slop and call it campaigning; he’s right at home.
Apparently this “Silk” person believes the rudimentary t-shirt stand grift she ran with her recently deceased sister was important enough to merit assassination, and by spiffy, sci-fi “bio-weapon” to boot. Bless your narcissist heart. “We gotta get Diamond, but no one can know it was us!” said George Soros to Peter Strzok, in some smoky pizza restaurant basement.
The Ohio Department of Education is investigating a Neo-Nazi homeschooling network, because we’ve got Neo-Nazi homeschooling networks now, out in this “Real America” I’m always hearing about.
George Santos announced he will be stepping down from his committee assignments, in order to spend more time with his imaginary donors. George is gonna make somebody one helluva cellmate some day soon.
How fun would that be? You know he’ll have some story about, like, microfilm of what’s really on Hunter Biden’s laptop or some shit, that he buried someplace, and when you get out, you go looking for it, even though you know he was lying, and of course it turns out he was, but you’re not even mad, because you had such a fun little adventure. And then you get home and George Santos is robbing your house.
Nice to see Tucker Carlson sticking up for young George, nothing but winners there. Maybe the two of ‘em can spend a cozy evening in the glow of the scrotum-tanning machine, griping about stoves, and ranking animated candy mascots by sexual attractiveness. Always kinda had a thing for the Trix Rabbit, if I’m honest. Ambition is hot.
I see the Dotard is suing Bob Woodward, and I think America deserves to know precisely how much time he spent trying to sue Robert Redford before the lawyers talked him out of it.
After thorough consideration, I have decided the Chinese spy ballon story does not fall within my jurisdiction, so I will not be composing a joke about it at this time, though circumstances can always change, if some Republican congressman compares it to the Holocaust, for example.
We mentioned the Biden Boom a few paragraphs back, and I’d like to pop back there before we sign off, just to waggle them stats tauntingly at our populist Brexiteer brethren across th’pond, who are experiencing results of a somewhat different nature. It’s almost like loud idiots aren’t good at governing things.
Plus, it’s always nice, wrapping up on good news, don’tcha think? Perhaps I’ll write a book about the last half of Joe’s first term. I’d call it “Flummoxing McCarthy,” but for now, I need a beer. And the fridge is well stocked, owing to the generosity of the readership, which humbles me weekly. You stay safe out there, chums.