American Madness Journal

My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!So let's...

Sometimes people ask me, “Cap? Is shit still cray?” And that's a good question. Let me put it this way; there was a nationwide wave of bomb threats today, and by next Wednesday, you won't remember it at all. I'm actually writing this from the hospital tonight. Yes,...

Hey gang, how is everybody? Good weekend? Everyone enjoying their time trapped in Dario Argento's version of a Lewis Carroll story? If we just keep screaming, somebody's bound to find us and let us out, right?So, about four minutes after I posted my last blog, the...

Friends, I know I've been telling you that shit be cray for a couple of years now, but we've suddenly found ourselves at the point in history where robots are attacking us with bear spray, and I don't think we're anywhere near the bottom of this barrel yet.Hairpiece...

Hey there, Shower Captives! Hope you all enjoyed your weekend of pretending George H.W. Bush was some sort of historically great man just because he didn't tear-gas little kids while ogling his own daughter. Let's round up the insanity, shall we?Well, President Truck...

Y'know, normally it's delightful news when a garbage person gets their comeuppance, and it's certainly fun watching the walls close in on Conman Don, but sometimes you remember he's still an utterly immoral shitsack wielding the powers of the Presidency, and you...

Hey folks, it's been a spell, hasn't it? Did you miss me while you were overdosing on stuffing and cranberry sauce? Did you even think of me as you trampled your fellow human beings beneath your feet in a blood-crazed frenzy to save 80 bucks on a television? Anyway,...

In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um...the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let's do the news.Let's kick...

I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging today, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a...

I hope you'll bear with me, True Believers, as I dedicate today's post to the late great Stan Lee. I'm sure I don't need to talk about his influence on me, you probably gleaned it from the tone. Or maybe the outfit. Anyhow, let's call this one...Cap's Soapbox.That...

Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad's power? I'm pretty sure it feels good, though I haven't sobered up...

Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It's like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there's a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs. Well, let...

The news...good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don't you only tell me the parts that aren't about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that's why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a...

Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I'm nostalgic for the early days of...

A number of readers have written in recent weeks to lament the seeming abandonment of the “shit be cray” phrase on this blog. I just figured that shit was so cray all the time that y’all were tired of hearing about how cray shit is, but rest assured...shit remains...

I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I'm getting mighty tired of living in Eli Roth's unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I'm sayin’. Looks like John Bolton is finally...

Turned on the news today, saw it was full of the shittiest people on Earth betraying American values to line their own pockets, and I wondered, “is this a re-run?” Mitch McConnell, like an overeager actor who rushes onstage five scenes too early, just couldn't stop...

We're a little over three short weeks away from the headline I've been jonesin’ for since November 2016: “After Years of Assholes Running Amok, the Good Guys Finally Win!” and I am READY FOR IT, folks. It's like a fat piece of chocolate cake for dessert after you've...

Well, we've graduated from tut-tutting about civility to locking ourselves in the safe room as the mob of torch-wielding Democrats circles the old family mansion. Whatever. As Eric Holder said, “When they go low, we tie them to the fire ant hill, and laugh at their...

Hey everybody, no blog tonight, I just don't have anything to say, honestl-oh hang on, the Soros check just showed up, special delivery! I guess I can continue with my paid activism which is only purchased and certainly not sincere now! Well, we began the week with...

Hello, friends! Hope you’re enjoying your woke beers and your heathen potato toys and watching your furry kids defecate in taxpayer-funded litter boxes at school. In short, I wish you all the bounties of our lord Dark Brandon’s satanic reign. Go ahead and...

We’ve been living through the stubbornly persistent golden age of conservative bumblefuckery for some time now, but I predict Speaker Johnson’s work in the field will ultimately stand up alongside the greats. Brownback. McCarthy. Reeves. Perhaps even the Dotard...

  What an asparagus fart of a news cycle, right? Republican special counsel delivers a sneak low blow to the job-creator guy, sending allllllllll the shitty little Cillizzas of the political media scurrying gleefully to and fro, to squawk their favorite squawk of all:...

Hey there, everybody. I know it’s been a bit of a week, and there’s a lot to get through, so if anyone needs to step outside to hate Taylor Swift for five minutes, I totally understand. Go for it. Don’tcha just HATE TAYLOR SWIFT? So much? Aren’t you literally...

Aw, man, I thought he was gonna step on a few more rakes for us, just for old times’ sake, but perhaps there’s a limit to Ron DeSantis’ capacity for public humiliation after all. Either way, bowing to reality and his sphincter-mouthed orange God, young Ronward bent...