Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
On Bonesaws and Bigots and Boys, Proud or Otherwise
We’re a little over three short weeks away from the headline I’ve been jonesin’ for since November 2016: “After Years of Assholes Running Amok, the Good Guys Finally Win!” and I am READY FOR IT, folks. It’s like a fat piece of chocolate cake for dessert after you’ve been eating dog turds and gravel…for two years. It’s TIME.
Let’s start off with the light shit, the merely immoral, before diving into the deep end of today’s atrocity pool. It seems Jared Kushner has worked every available loophole and avoided paying income taxes for years, and that was before he took up governing as a hobby and cut his taxes even further. Sources tell me Jar-Jar used the windfall to invest in elocution lessons, but alas, he still sounds like a meth-addled dolphin caught in a net every time he opens his mouth.
I guess the Man With Phalangeal Stunting was talkin’ up Robert E. Lee over the weekend? Why does this surprise anyone? Lee is the patron saint of two things: treason, and losing. Shit, Trump was probably cloned in a lab from one of Bob’s ass hairs.
Retiring-Even-if-She-Doesn’t-Know-it-Yet Maine Senator Susan Collins clarified her stance on political bribe-taking, which is apparently really bad when it involves everyday Americans raising funds for her potential 2020 opponent in protest of her vote to confirm a horny-to-overturn-Roe-v-Wade far-right political hack to the Supreme Court, but super-mega-awesome when it comes in the form of a six-figure payout from a Republican dark money group thanking her for said confirmation of said hack. Susan’s personal ethics are…complicated.
Now, you’ll never believe this, but Mitt Romney has been caught…pandering! Confronted with his anti-Trump past, Mittens denied it quicker than you could say “Why I’d LOVE to be Secretary of State, sir!” Come January, he’ll be in Orrin Hatch’s old seat, but let’s make sure to give him Jeff Flake’s chair.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake continues to handle post-Hurricane Michael devastation by holding campaign rallies where thousands of idiots fellate his fragile ego. Sure, it’s totally ineffective, but it’s easier, and he likes it more, so FUCK YOU, SUFFERING AMERICANS.
Beloved (By the Sort of People Who Love Stores and are Otherwise Dead Inside) Retailer Sears filed for bankruptcy, after years of being run into the ground by a Rand-worshipping maniac who was incapable of discerning the difference between fiction writing and serious political/economic theory. As an amusing little footnote, Orange Julius Caesar took a moment to run down the company’s leadership, which is extra hilarious since his own Treasury Secretary served on the board during the decline and fall.
So let’s talk about the Proud Boys. We could spend hours picking apart the psychology of a band of fascist, misogynist, thugs self-identifying as “boys,” but for now let’s focus on the current news. They’ve been largely confined to the west coast, mainly Portland, so far, but they took a little field trip to th’Big Apple, to reenact a political assassination (and I thought my hobbies were weird) and commit some hate crimes!
Now, the Republican club that hosted them, and their obedient lapdogs over at Fux Nooz, had the balls to try to spin this story as one of Antifa vandalism, as though they didn’t invite known violent fascists over for tea and crustless triangle-shaped sandwiches before embarking on a little light gang violence.
Anyway, it seems like only yesterday when a veritable swarm of conservative pundits hectored us about the Violent Left Wing Mobs that were massing outside Every Decent American’s home, but they’ve been oddly silent about the actual Violent Right Wing Mob that was captured beating the shit out of people on camera. That seems weird. Do you think that’s weird? Cuz I think that’s weird.
Georgia Senator David Perdue is a One-Man Violent Right Wing Mob of his own! A student at Georgia Tech, i.e. one of Dave-O’s constituents, tried to ask him a question (about Brian Kemp’s vote suppression fuckery), but the good Senator was not about to let a mere peasant act above his station like that! So he grabbed the kid’s phone right out of his hands and strode away, before remembering how cameras work, and realizing how badly he’d just fucked up.
Anyhow, did I mention that Perdue’s seat is up in just two short years? Me, I tend to prefer Senators who don’t assault the people they work for.
I tell you folks, we just keep on finding more and more Super Rare Outliers in the Not at All Racist Republican Party. This time it’s Minnesota Senate candidate Karin Housley, with some sensitive, nuanced, observations about Michelle Obama surfacing in her social media history. Housley was already gonna lose, but this news just earned the announcement of her defeat a celebratory Jäger shot on my election night schedule.
There are a LOT of celebratory shots on my election night schedule. The Blue Wave might just kill me.
Oh, and Duncan Hunter is still racist trash, if you were wondering. Shit, you could set your watch by Duncan’s jerkbaggery. Accused of more crimes than your average Mafia family, he’s running ads that would make Archie Bunker blush. Stephen Miller’s sitting in the corner, going, “Whoa. Too far, dude.” Kudos to his opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar, for turning Dunc’s bullshit attack right back on him.
Hunter is hardly the only Republijag campaigning on hatred and fear-mongering, of course, I suppose on one hand, you can’t really blame them. What’re they gonna run on? Their records?
Like, after two years of complete control of the federal government, you really ought to have some achievements. Maybe even AN achievement. Two years is a long fuckin’ time. I guess “Vote for me again, I’m the guy who cut your boss’ taxes” isn’t the rousing sentiment they’d hoped for.
So the deficit is way up and let me tell you, Republicans are howling, demanding it immediately be brought under contrHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH GOTCHA! Deficits are only bad when you’re talking about feeding a hungry child or treating a senior citizen’s cancer after they’ve already surrendered their productive years to the investor class! But when it comes to massive tax cuts for their donors, the only question is “Would you like it in large or small bills, sir?”
The Manchurian Manchild decided to show us why he never sits down for interviews with real journalists, by sitting down for an interview with a real journalist. Without a subservient host doing everything in their power to prop him up, he’s quickly revealed as a petulant, vindictive, know-nothing. Hey Don, pro tip: any conversation where you feel compelled to state “I’m not a baby” more than once is not a conversation that’s going your way.
He was in rare form. He posited that while climate change was indeed a thing, the climate would one day simply choose to change back, like a nagging wife who always wants new clothes but winds up settling on the old, comfortable, “I really don’t care, do u?” jacket anyway.
Certainly the highlight was the sneering Yes I Shit All Over a Sexual Assault Victim and it was Totally Worth it Because I Won I Won I WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON segment.
Heh. He certainly has all the long-term strategizing ability of a baby, doesn’t he? When a historic midterm electorate gender gap produces a House of Representatives that spends the final months of his presidency investigating his every crime live on TV, I wonder if he’ll pause to reflect on how much he really “won” this particular fight.
HA HA HA I IMPLIED THE PRESIDENT IS CAPABLE OF THOUGHTFUL SELF-ANALYSIS, GET IT?!?!?!
Well, the last time he did anything like this, he confessed to obstruction of justice in front of the whole fuckin’ world, so maybe this counts as a win.
So I guess Elizabeth Warren, ahead of an expected Presidential campaign, took one of those ancestry tests to show that, despite Weehands McNodick’s racist taunting, she does indeed possess some Native American heritage. Targeted social media advertising traps even U.S. Senators sometimes, I suppose.
This prompted a wave of pretentious thinkpiecery seldom seen outside the release of a Star Wars movie. Dems are sabotaging the Blue Wave, because an army of voters who somehow care more about Liz Warren’s Ancestry Test than health care, jobs, immigration, or corruption will rise up and crush us beneath their steely boots…
Or something. All I’m sayin’ is, pundits are dumb. Me, I’m better than a pundit; I’m concise, and I swear more.
Personally, I think the real story here was Sharty McFly once again backing out of a pledge to make a sizable charitable donation. Don’t forget it took an investigative journalist’s shaming to force him to make a similar donation to veterans’ charities during the 2016 campaign.
(The Velveeta Vulgarian went on to say he would only pay the million bucks if he were allowed to test Senator Warren’s DNA personally, an unusually gross statement from an unusually gross man. Like, Wee Don is disgusting every day, but I feel like we just got a glimpse of his never-cleaned bathtub.)
Assuming the reader just threw up in their own mouth, I’ll give you a minute to run to the bathroom for some Listerine.
…but keep the bottle handy, because we’re moving on to the ongoing fallout of America’s BFF, Saudi Arabia, kidnapping and murdering critical journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
Facing international condemnation and, perhaps more importantly, millions of dollars in foreign investment draining out of their economy, the Kingdom hit upon a novel cover story that goes, “Ok, yeah, we killed the guy, but we were only trying to kidnap and maybe illegally extradite him, and AS THESE THINGS DO, shit got a bit out of hand, everybody said some things they didn’t mean, and maybe somebody got murdered and dismembered.”
As smarter folk than I have commented, imagine how bad this situation is, that THIS is what they’re willing to confess to.
So much of the blame for this shitshow falls on Jared Kushner’s shoulders. Young Jar-Jar, practically the Roman God of Unearned Privilege, having married his way into the highest halls of power, figured he’d cosplay as an International Diplomat, cuz how hard could it possibly be, right? So he plays kingmaker in the Middle East, swapping state secrets for personal financial relief, empowering reckless elements that fuck with regional stability by isolating Qatar, commit crimes against humanity daily in Yemen, and finally blow up the whole damn endeavor by luring a Washington Post contributor to his death and then CHOPPING HIS BODY TO PIECES WITH A GODDAMN BONE SAW.
Open letter to Jared: the sum total of your life’s accomplishments comes to Being Born Rich. You are not qualified to handle the office’s Starbucks order, let alone anything involving real work. MBS fucking brags out loud about what a useful idiot you are. Please walk away from government before anybody else gets hurt, you stupid, stupid, boy.
In all the horror, I hope we don’t lose track of the element of this story where Donnie Dotard happily parroted the “they say they didn’t do it and they sounded like they really really meant it” line, only to have the Saudis turn around and confess mere hours later. It’s a magical blend of weakness, incompetence, and raw stoogery that only Donald J. Trump can deliver. He bought into the “rogue killers” line with the commitment of a dedicated LARPer. The Saudis could’ve told him it was robots, or talking kangaroos, and he’d have happily repeated the talking points on CNN.
I see Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against the Bloviating Bloat was dismissed in federal court today. Normally I don’t cheer Shartboy’s wins, but if this precedes the long-overdue Going Away of Avenatti, I’m generally for it.
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet, having recently boasted about how he was going to find the biggest arena in all of Texas to stump for his close buddy, Ted Cruz, instead settled for an 8,000-seat arena, because he knows he couldn’t possibly fill a bigger one, even in one of America’s largest cities, since everyone hates him. It’s almost a shame more folks won’t get to see his Ted’s Dad Killed Kennedy and His Wife is Homely, But Vote for Him Anyway routine.
Alright, that’s enough. If there was any more news today, I apologize for missing it, but what I need to do right now is release a long primal scream that lasts at least until the sun comes up. I’ll see y’all soon.
HAAAAAAAAAAAA: $100,000 miserable $$ 4 Cunt-bitch Collins digital schmidgital adds to save her long-gone job that she savaged along w all American women? She’s so toast….
I think calling Susan Collins a “Cunt-bitch” is pretty raw. You might have called her rancid and I would have like you more!
Yes, I agree. It’s totally crude.
Hi Cap, all the news that’s fit to list is like looking at the factory farm’s blood piss and shit ponds from the view of a drone as the fu**ing things break their barriers during a category 4/5 hurricane and start spreading the shit-mix into the closest river and polluting everything upstream and downstream…Did I make myself clear?
Wow, whatever you ingested before writing this column, keep it up! Your writing is outstanding here. The entire column! However, some of my favorites are: “Roman God of Unearned Privilege” to describe Jar-Jar, and the entire paragraph that includes “…after they’ve already surrendered their productive years to the investor class,” plus “It’s a magical blend of weakness, incompetence, and a raw stoogery that only DJT can deliver.” I stand in awe of your creativity. Nice work!
Another large handful of nails hit right on their flat, dense heads. I am a bit conflicted about reading this blog so early in the day, though.
On the one hand, it’s great to start the day with some laughs and appreciation of savage wit….but on the other, heading out into the day with the negativity this shitshow instills in me roils my guts more than the very strong coffee I drink too much of.
So…kudos to you, perhaps some introspection and patience for me.