I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging today, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a glass of wine, or beer, or bath salts, and let’s wade through the madness together, shall we?

Yes, the results of the Big Beautiful Blue Wave keep rolling in, with news of fresh pickups breaking every few hours. Democrat Katie Hobbs will be the new Secretary of State in the suddenly-enticing potential 2020 swing state of Arizona! Katie Porter, Andy Kim, and Jared Golden all got in on the House-majority-flipping fun, and I do believe we’ve still got a bit more winning yet to look forward to!

Y’know who hasn’t been enjoying the winning? The Velveeta Vulgarian, that’s who! Seems like every major media organization had its own version of the Wee Don Got All Pissy Because He Lost So Bad and He Knows He’s Good n’ Righteously Fucked When the New Congress Takes Over So He Sulked and He Didn’t Want to Honor the Dumb Ol’ Troops in France Anyway piece. Anyway, isn’t it neat to have a chief executive who neglects his duties, jeopardizing important international relationships, just cuz he doesn’t WANNA do President stuff some days?

And now wants to fire everybody. Or at least, make John Kelly fire everybody, because of course he remains an enormous coward. I guess Kirstjen Nielsen is on the way out, for not being quite evil enough? Who will replace her, a Monster from Stephen Miller’s ID?

General Kelly certainly has his hands full, what with firing half the executive branch, plus overseeing the Manchurian Manchild’s “Policy Time.” Policy Time appeared to translate roughly as “forcing the President, against his will, to learn things about issues n’ stuff,” and I’m sure it’s purely coincidental that it shares initials with “potty training.”

So I guess Melania has the power to get high-ranking national security officials fired now? Now, I’m not gonna shed any tears for the loss of some twit approved by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip, but I’ll say that if I were an Independence Day-esque alien race looking for a moment of weakness to launch an invasion, I’d be feelin’ mighty optimistic.

I’ve honestly lost track of all the stories about Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker’s long history of grifting, incompetence, and hackery. Are we sure this is an actual human being, and not a Tom Waits lyric come to life?

So, Betsy DeVos wants to give those accused of sexual assault on college campuses the right to cross-examine their accusers. I mention this because it might just be the single worst idea yet to come out of the Assclown Cabal running our country* and that is no small feat. Did I mention that Betsy, who owns more yachts than I own pairs of shoes, is burning through millions of taxpayer dollars funding the security detail she demanded because some peasants tried to talk to her once?

Retiring Senator/Wind-Up Eeyore Doll Jeff Flake went on a feeble rampage, insisting he would refuse to vote for any of President Crotchrot’s judicial nominees until a bill protecting the Mueller investigation was given a vote on the Senate floor, by gum! Because he is Jeff Flake, Mitch McConnell completely ignored him, no other Republicans joined his crusade, and he wound up sitting alone in the back of the lunchroom, listlessly playing with his mashed potatoes, his trademark hangdog look freezing in place, possibly permanently.

Just to tend to my self-appointed duty as chronicler of this day-to-day shitshow for the benefit of future generations and/or alien anthropologists, I must report that the President of the United States is under the impression that an ID is required for the purchasing of cereal. Hey, we can’t allow our precious loops and charms and crunchberries to fall into the hands of just anyone, y’know! If there’s one thing commercials have taught me, it’s that these products are constantly pursued by all sorts of unscrupulous characters.

In the same interview, Shart Garfunkel posited that it wasn’t widespread hatred of his loathsome and corrupt regime that drove the GOP’s midterm spanking, but rather voter fraud, perpetrated by devious disguised Democrats, who would put on hats and fake mustaches, and I dunno, probably bathrobes and luchador masks, so they could vote more than once. Hey, why admit defeat when it’s easier to just undermine democracy?

So, lemme see if I’ve got this one straight…because Team Treasonweasel is desperate to cover up their Saudi prince pal’s role in the horrific murder of a critical journalist, they’re trying to figure out some way to gift-wrap an exiled Turkish cleric, and send him back home so Erdogan can murder HIM, so that Turkey will stop nagging Saudi Arabia about THEIR murder. So we’re conducting international diplomacy by playing Secret Santa; Homicide Edition now. Cool. Hey, far be it from me to intrude, but maybe start by sending a Hickory Farms basket, and if that doesn’t do the trick, maybe THEN you can escalate to facilitating the slaughter of political foes?

Today we also learned the CIA has determined that yuh huh MBS sure did order the assassination, but Donnie Two-Scoops doesn’t want to believe them, because young Jared has such a difficult time making friends, and the Prince is more than happy to put in a couple of MarioKart races with Jar-Jar if it means manipulating the government of the United States of America for his own ends.

Spare a dirge for the rank-and-file staff over at the National Rifle Association, who will now be forced to hunt and kill their own coffee, because their floundering, despised, bosses can no longer afford to provide it. We’ve replaced these death merchants’ Folgers Crystals with the blood of senselessly slaughtered children…let’s see if they notice the difference!

Up-and-Coming Stand-Up Comic/Distressingly, Actual United States Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, already famous for her hilarious bit on lynching, debuted some new material this week, riffing about the awesomeness of voter suppression! I can’t wait to see her tight five on concentration camps!

A court ordered the Shart Administration to give Jim Acosta his “hard pass”** back, and to say they’re sorry for taking a big fat dump on the Constitution and also they have to take Jim out for ice cream and a pedicure plus Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has to wear a weasel suit at the next press briefing. Anyhow, yeah, we needed the courts to thwart our goon administration’s ham-fisted attempt to pick and choose who gets to ask them questions, and that, my friends, is decidedly not bangarang.

Looks like Julian Assange has not mom’s classic tuna and bow tie pasta casserole waiting for him should he ever poke his ratty little face outside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, but criminal charges! I imagine Julian will be sticking to his new hygiene rules a little more attentively going forward.

President Dotard says he’s finished his written answers to the Mueller investigation and he wrote them his own self alone without help except maybe with some of the spelling with hard words like “koloojun.”

I dislike our President for many, many, reasons, ranging from his disdain for America’s democratic institutions to his cruelty and racism. The list got a little longer today, because now the bastard has forced me to think about, and even visualize, Antonin Scalia in the act of fucking. I blame third-party voters for this shit. Fuck all y’all.

Potential trubble brewin’ in Shartopia, as Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet has begun to wonder, “Is Mike Pants loyal?” Wrong question, fuckhead. You ought to be wondering, “Is the Vice President really just a meth-addled bible salesman’s three pet raccoons in a cheap suit, with a hairshirt underneath?”

I see the ousted GOP House majority has opted to spend their last few days wallowing in conspiracy-theory nostalgia, subpoenaing James Comey and Loretta Lynch for one final partisan slap-fight. When everyone else has gone home, Trey Gowdy will sit in his old chair, screeching BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, alone in the dark, likely for days.

Hey, while I’ve got your attention, can I get you to kick in a donation to one last big 2018 race? While Brian Kemp seems to have motherfuckered his way into the Georgia Governor’s mansion (boo), the Secretary of State contest will be going to a run-off on December 4th! Support Democrat John Barrow, because we’ll be gunning for a Senate seat and some electoral college votes in the Peach State in just two short years!

And hey, we need more Dems like Stacey Abrams, who isn’t meekly rolling over for Brian Kemp’s vote-suppressing fuckery. About time! When these shitpiles cheat to win, we shouldn’t just congratulate them on their successful subversion of the will of the people, and then meekly move on. Never stop fighting, folks. Never.   

Alright Resisters, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Go forth, and make merry with your weekend. I’m gonna go eat crab rangoon until I explode now.

*…into the ground.

** (giggle)