Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
So I Guess It’s Down to Nikki Haley and the Rapist
Aw, man, I thought he was gonna step on a few more rakes for us, just for old times’ sake, but perhaps there’s a limit to Ron DeSantis’ capacity for public humiliation after all.
Either way, bowing to reality and his sphincter-mouthed orange God, young Ronward bent the knee, on a special cushion he had custom-made to make himself appear taller. Somebody should probably check on Rich Lowry.
I have mixed feelings. I’m certainly grateful for the failure of the ideology. I’m glad there’s no viable electoral base for Kinda Efficient State-Enforced Bigotry. I’m glad we don’t have to worry about Joseph Ladapo becoming Surgeon General of anything larger.
But as a content provider for the blog site I own and operate, I fear Ron will prove irreplaceable. His contributions to the field of left-of-center schadenfreude compare favorably to the all-time greats. And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’ll be debasing himself further as a general election surrogate, but he’s been on a hall-of-fame run, the one he’s gonna be remembered for.
Anyway.
Say, what’s that rapist been up to lately, other than running away with the Republican presidential primary? What’s that you say? Pitching fits at his latest defamation trial? But that’s what he did last week.
Anyway, now that it’s cost him 83.3 million dollars, Donald Trump may be forced to abandon a beloved hobby: terrorizing women he has assaulted sexually.
Boy, Nikki’s about to go on a ride, huh? I’m sure it’s already started.
Cuz the rapist is ready to skip straight to the coronation, and we all know how he feels about democracy. No shortage of willing accomplices in the institutional GOP, if RNC draft resolutions are any indicator.
Florida Republicans actually proposed legislation (LEGISLATION!) that would appropriate taxpayer money to pay this fucking rapist’s fucking legal bills. (Sorry, Christian Ziegler, this only applies to one, specific rapist. Bad luck.)
I’m just saying, Nikki, for your safety’s sake, these folks don’t seem t’be in the mood to hear about their golden rapist calf’s cognitive decline.
It’s more of a stamping-out-dissent vibe, if we’re honest. Threatening donors, lashing out at every criticism, however slight. Fascist imp Marjorie Taylor Greene yelping about “eradicating” the insufficiently loyal. Yeah, it’s that kind of party.
Still, nothing curdles my guts quite like the performative obsequiousness of Elise Stefanik’s audition for the Veep slot. Elise won’t think twice about delaying any dumb ol’ certifications, that’s for sure.
Given the general political climate, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that we’re getting the Bruckheimer/Bay version of the border scare, with the cosplay cowboys running Texas breaking out the Bundy Ranch playbook, and the odd wannabe insurrectionist putting forth the call for an armed citizen militia, to be financed, surely, by the guy who draws Dilbert.
Anyway, the rapist wants the border as a campaign issue, so given devout Christian Mike Johnson’s standing “whatever the rapist wants, the rapist gets” policy, I guess Congress won’t be passing any border compromises any time soon.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden keeps presiding over all these gaudy economic milestones, but he’s still somehow running neck-and-neck with the adjudicated rapist with the Hooverian jobs record. America, get your shit together.
Well, now that they’ve passed their latest short-term CR and elected their latest short-term Speaker, I guess House Republicans’re starting notice James Comer isn’t running an impeachment inquiry so much as a “parade of embarrassments.” Yeah, Jimmy’s a real fuck-up, isn’t he? Lord knows why y’all put him in charge of anything.
Oklahoma Republicans had some state library board post to fill, and I guess the resumé with “internet bigot-slash-harassment organizer” leapt out at them, because they hired Chaya freakin’ Raichik.
Which is horrifying. Raichik is maybe the ugliest creature to spawn from MAGA culture in recent years, an insatiable, indefatigable hatemonger. Truly one of the shittiest Americans ever. And they put her on the “Department of Education Library Media Advisory Committee.” She doesn’t even live in Oklahoma. Fucking madness.
Looks like Charlie Kirk’s anti-MLK Jr. rant wasn’t just a one-off holiday special, but a mission statement for a new, even racister Turning Point USA. Good thing we’re not a racist country, Governor Haley, otherwise you might see political influencers telling their massive audiences their lives are in danger if their pilot is Black.
One of Chuck’s underlings went on white nationalist holocaust denier Stew Peters’ show, by the way, to urge violent resistance to the “Jewish-controlled” government. TPUSA feels like a frat for too-soft-for-the-Proud-Boys-but-unwilling-to-get-over-losing-the-class-presidency-to-a-girl types, but I suppose even a kakistocracy needs middle managers.
Seems the Republican-led House Ethics Committee has been looking into Matt Gaetz’s old sex-trafficking-a-minor allegations, so Matt may not be available for any library boards, alas.
I worry Peter Navarro won’t do well in prison, though he might squeak by with the ol’ find-the-toughest-gang-in-the-joint-and-offer-to-help-them-cheat-on-their-taxes ploy, I’ve seen that work in a couple movies. Actually, I bet a four-month vacation from the hecklers sounds pretty good to Pete right about now.
Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kitchens proclaimed himself Archbishop of Reproductive Science by divine right of his years as, I kid you not, a fucking veterinarian. WOW. That’s Akin-level shit, Joel, I’m sincerely impressed.
So, Ben Shapiro is rapping now. And you laugh, but “DAP” (Dry-Ass Pussy) is gonna rule summer 2024.
And with that final horror, I’ll sign off for the week. I go now to drink, excessively, to the majestic wreck of the DeSantis campaign, a congregation of assholes who could not do one fucking thing right.
(Oh, let me beg for money and attention real quick before I let you go: please follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, and/or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and if you’re able, feel free t’donate a couple bucks to the beer fund.)
(And there’s a comic book! If you missed the Kickstarter for my WWII comic, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, you can pre-order a copy, for a limited time! It’s a nifty little book, you’ll like it.)
Karma keeps running over his dogma, backing up and running over it again. I’m glad you’re driving.
Thanks again, Cap, for another look back at the freakishly fashy week. Really looking forward to seeing dür Gröpenfürer in a matching (to his face) orange ensemble!
I love the beer grift at the conclusion of each wonderful post; hey, it’s always time for beer, especially after another action packed week surviving the MAGAts.
Best blog yet. I like seeing a Rapist called a Rapist. Thought it was just me. You know A spade is a spade sort of thing.
Do not want to call a Rapist Mr. President. I hope we can do better, is it that hard??
Libs of TikToc. What is that, Lying Idiotic Bully Society?
Trump must love Giuliani’s help..
“President just sexually assaulted her. He didn’t rape her. ”
And some how that’s OK in the MAGA world.WOW..
Hi. I’ve tried a few times to Venmo. Am I the only one who cannot get through?
SH
You may think Raichik ugly but for plain old
Shiny-domed horse guffawing UGLY— that wld b Nikki`s ugly ass Tim Scott US Senate pick and his associate\carpetbagger fiance