- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
“People Doing Poems on Aircraft Carriers” & Other Atrocities
Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news:
The GOP’s presidential front-runner was found liable for defaming the woman he was previously found liable for sexually assaulting, and yet again I find myself shamed by the dazzling moral purity of the religious right. I repent of my heathen beliefs, that lying and rape are wrong. What a fool I’ve been.
And Off-Brand Orbán’s DiMaggio-esque getting-whooped-in-court streak rolled on with no signs of slowing, as Marm-a-Lago IT guy Yuscil Taveras flipped on him, joining the ever-growing list of co-defendants coming to the eminently reasonable conclusion that going to prison for a conspiracy of dipshits who won’t stop publicly confessing doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Oh, and Ann Coulter called him a “gigantic pussy.” I bet Ivanka still won’t fuck him, either.
Animatronic Chuck E. Cheese rat granted a hideous approximation of life by a monkey’s paw Ron DeSantis refused to meet with President Biden during the latter’s visit to hurricane-damaged Florida communities, calculating that a little petulant cowardice might reverse his freefall in the polls.
Bro, that ship has sailed, sunk, and been excavated during a live National Geographic special titled What’s Realer: Atlantis, or Ron DeSantis’ Chances at Ever Getting Elected President? It is 31 flavors of over, son.
Then again, perhaps the death cult can be enticed with the prospect of extralegal violence targeting migrants? Why not swing on down, take in a little of the culture the Governor has built in Florida? Ok, tell you what, how about taxpayer-funded PS5s and Disney tix for homeschoolers? No? I understand. Ron’s personality defects were clearly pander-proof from the beginning.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I simply cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
After obliterating 90% of his expensive new toy’s value in less than a year, Elon Musk found himself in dire, desperate need of a scapegoat. But after making so many epically fucking stupid decisions in full view of the entire world, how could even the richest man alive, equipped with (the tattered remnants of) his own, personal social media platform, hope to deflect culpability?
Inspiration struck like a thunderbolt. “By Jove, I’ve got it! I shall blame…the Jews!”
And blame the Jews he did, visions of reclaiming his squandered billions by suing the Anti-Defamation League dancing through his otherwise pudding-filled noggin.
We also learned Elon sabotaged a Ukrainian military strike on the Russian fleet, thereby enabling months of murderous missile launches, because he truly is what he appears to be: the bad guy from the eighth installment of some irritatingly labyrinthine James Bond fanfic where they kept casting George Lazenby.
Former Grand High Proud Boi (Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything) Enrique Tarrio won a 22-year reprieve from stressful decisions like “should I go someplace today” and “when will the lights in my bedroom go on and off,” such are the wages of seditious conspiracy. Well…bye.
Of course, nothing pisses Cult45 off quite like watching terrorists pay for their crimes. I haven’t seen Sarah Palin this upset since the last time one of her shitsack kids got arrested.
Watch out, America, if 2024 doesn’t go Mike Huckabee’s way, he’s gonna gather all his pedophile pals and large adult sons together and start shootin’ up the joint! Like so many Republicans, Mike’s caught Civil War Fever, but don’t worry, it’s nothing a few doses of horse paste can’t fix.
Wisconsin Republicans have no intention of allowing a trivial inconvenience like the clearly stated will of the electorate to interfere with their minoritarian stranglehold on political power, so they’re looking into impeaching newly elected Supreme Court Justice Janet Protasiewicz before she hears a single case. You give the plebs an inch of self-determination, they’ll take a mile, y’know.
Ordered to redraw their hellaciously racist congressional gerrymander to include a second majority-Black district, Alabama Republicans instead exhumed George Wallace’s skeleton and left it, middle fingers fully extended, on the courthouse steps, so an additional judicial spanking has been administered. Boy, good thing John Roberts realized racism is over and gutted the Voting Rights Act, huh?
Senator Sherlock Tuberville uncovered the dastardly deep state plot to feminize and woke-ify the U.S. military via “people doing poems on aircraft carriers,” so the Illuminati had to act fast to contain the damage. At press time, doctors were uncertain Tuberville would recover from the 3-6 new assholes Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro tore him on CNN.
Well, whaddya know, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis actually declined to prosecute a number of prominent traitors, despite grand jury recommendations, including ascendant American fascism’s yappiest lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham.
And you’d think Lindsey would look upon the smoking wreckage of what was once Jim Jordan, and simply express gratitude at managing to stay out of Hurricane Fani’s path, but it’s just not in his nature. Kissing Donnie Dotard’s ass sure is, though.
During a rare break from decorating Trump mugshots with his seed, Jesse Watters stumbled out in front of his prime time Fox audience to ask, “Is the government controlling the weather with laser beams?” so if you thought the $787 million Dominion defamation payout would slow the Marjorie Taylor Greenification of the wingnut media bubble…think again.
Speaking of Marj, Rolling Stone took us “Inside MTG and Kari Lake’s ‘Death Race’ To Become Trump’s VP.” If you’re wondering what such a race entails, see, Jason Miller puts a paper bag over each participant’s head, and then they wait to see who wanders into traffic or starves to death first.
JD Vance thinks schoolchildren who don’t want to catch preventable, potentially lethal diseases are sissies, and that maybe they’d toughen the fuck up if we mandated wedgies and swirlies instead of masks.
Republican strategists have apparently deluded themselves into believing they can rebrand their way out of the electoral consequences of stealing bodily autonomy from millions of American women, so they’re looking for a snazzy replacement for the old, stale, “pro-life” label. Coming soon: Diet, Caffeine-Free Patriarchy! With Splenda! It’s LIT!
Peter Navarro finally earned the coveted Trump Scout “convicted of a federal crime” merit badge, but at least he made a new friend. Meanwhile, Mark Meadows lost his bid to move his Fulton County case to federal court, while remaining largely friendless.
Turns out Jeffrey Clark is more than just the fashy little bureautwerp who volunteered to rubber stamp any edict necessary to facilitate the destruction of American democracy, he’s also a religious weirdo, who denounced the Burning Man festival as “a neopagan ritual.” Well, depending on how the election goes, Jeff’ll be either in prison, or some cabinet-level Minster of Culture post, can’t wait to find out which!
In an earth-shaking Newsmax exposé, Megyn Kelly revealed the Obamas secretly shadow-puppet Joe Biden via a Being John Malkovich-style portal into his rapidly decaying old man brain. Michelle handles the lion’s share of the puppetry, which frees up Barack’s time for hobbies like crack smoking and having sex with con men. Santa’s still white, too, incidentally.
Meanwhile, the world trembles before the fearsome might of Czar Vladimir’s mighty Russian empire reborn…or it will, anyway, assuming his groveling session with Kim Jong-un goes well enough to secure enough dusty, Soviet-era ammunition to go on slaughtering children for a few more months.
It’s enough to drive a man to drink. Oh hell, it looks like Chuck Todd raided my beer fridge, but anyone who feels like chipping in on the restock can do so now via PayPal or Venmo, if you didn’t already know. No worries either way. I’ll see you in a week, you stay safe out there till then. Oh, and I’m still trying to rebuild the ol’ following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Glad you’re back. I missed the ‘tude
Boy how l’ve missed these Friday night laughs. 🍻
Cap’n, it is good to see one of your screeds again. You were missed!
Once again, all is right with my Friday night. So glad you’re back Cap!
Ahhhh…”normal” Fridays again…Cap talking us down from all the crazy that just won’t stop.
I had been looking forward to your return as all the new developments (indictments!) come rolling in and shit is gettin’ real.
It is indeed your time-hope you were able achieve some semblance of rested and ready.
Thank you for being here-Love you, Cap!
Maybe you heard–you were missed.
Cap is back! Ah, the universe is functional again!
I’d love to follow you on Twitter but I quit Twitter when they changed the icon on my phone to that hideous “X”. It made me mad every time I saw it!
Any chance you could join Tribel? 🙂
Have a great weekend!
Why cannot “Xitter” be pronounced “shitter?” I think I read this when looking at Anglicized pronunciation of some Chinese names.
LOL! Meanwhile, I’ve just come back from Ames, IA, where the cluster which is the annual ISU/U of I football game and tailgate, which loads the city up with an additional 120,000 people, managed, with the addition of FOUR GOP pres candidates (TFG, DeSantis, Ramaswamy, and Hutchinson), to plump that up to, I dunno….120,200?
The poem at the beginning was Epic! 😹 So glad you’re back Cap 🍻
My favorite was the Tuberville paragraph. So delighted that yourself and Charles P Pierce are in cahoots. You are the light of my friday night.
Tour de force, Cap: especially the paragraph about “that ship has sailed” which made me laugh out loud. You’re back, as sassy as ever!
Loved that ship – in this case DeSantis overcoming bad poll #s – has sailed, sunk and been excavated on live TV, along with, “It’s 31 flavors of over, son.” Great writing to describe/deal with the grimmest of times. So happy to have you back.
So good to have you back. And right back in top form, too. Cheers!
Jeez, Cap, give a girl a heads up with the ChuckECheese-monkey paw animatronics stuff. Spewed my breakfast beverage all over my screen. Clean up on Aisle 7 !!
Cheers to another superlative offering!
Dearest Cap,
I was so over-the-moon last Friday to see your blog in my feed! Welcome back my man, you were sorely missed. Reading your column may be the only thing keeping me from my looney bin appointment, as the lol masks the sounds of me being driven insane by the moron patrol trying desperately to destroy this once sensible country.
As always, loved the column…you are the best, brother!
Cap, you have a unique talent to be able to make hilarious mockery of things which are already completely ridiculous on their face. I appreciate you. You make life a little easier in these trying times.
Beau of the Fifth Column had an excellent take on Tuberville’s ‘woke’ in the military. Among other things we’re introduced to poetry right after we roll off the bus.
One I taught my Eager Young Space Cadets:
“Birdie birdie in the sky
Drop a load on my TI.
If you have a load on you;
You can be a TI, too.
Sound off
One, two
Sound off
Three, four
Take it on down
US Air Force!”
They loved it.
Beau’s YT slam/dunk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO92jjPubEQ
Cap, you slammed them with the biggest of wrecking balls. You didn’t lose a step. A big welcome back.
You should join Threads! So many people are leaving the Xitter hellsite…
Diet caffeine free patriarchy! with Splenda! You’re back!!
Saturday mornings with Cap are back, with even more appreciation. Your “Animatronic Chuck E. Cheese rat” for DuhSantis is brilliant.
Thank you!
So glad you’re back Cap and in such wonderful “fighting form”! Missed your always hilarious take on the weeks news! Carry on. . . . .
Thanks Cap for ALL you do for a better world. You are the real “Wild Thing” and you do make our hearts sing. Peace brother…………..
Beer’s on me. Thanks for the laughs. I needed that.
Sorry, Cap, “X” the hellscape that was Twitter is dead to me so I won’t be following you there.
Still, keep up the great posts with your blog.
Oops, I guess I’m already following you on that hellscape website.
I haven’t been there in awhile so, yeah, I forgot, just checked in for a minute but I try to avoid “X” at all costs.
It is *so* great to have you back. You’re in fine form. Thank you for your posts!!!!
No, no; people with bags over their heads who don’t take in /anything/ will die of thirst in 3 days or so, if they don’t have any liquids available to them, long before they’d die of starvation.
Humans = dead = 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water (of some sort; people have survived on the most — interesting — survival fluids, and I don’t mean beer), 30 days without food.
YMMV, of course, but that’s the handy-dandy rule of (someone’s?) thumb. 😉