- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hey, Did I Miss Anything?
Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and make America so goshdarn great again.
Hmmm. Might be a bit rusty. Well, I’ll figure it out. Have you lost weight, by the way? Your ass looks great in those pants.
Hope I didn’t miss anything too important. Like maybe an unceasing cycle of increasingly inane culture war thinkpiece skirmishes over some rando’s country song? Or, I dunno, some former President and his dipshit co-conspirators getting indicted on a whole buncha felony counts?
I confess, despite years of reading and writing about these dorks, I was unprepared for the intensity of the shitfit the Children of the Candy Corn pitched at the sight of that mugshot. What a delightful meltdown. Historically, it has been necessary to procure a golden ticket to the Wonka factory to witness such wonders.
Jesse Watters dry-humped the photo in Tucker Carlson’s old chair, moaning ecstatically about how “good” and “hard” inmate number P01135809 looked, in addition to super-convincing proclamations of his own “unblemished record of heterosexuality,” before inviting RFK Jr to join him in a rousing game of “soggy mugshot.”
Dinesh D’Souza thinks it makes the Dotard “the ultimate gangsta.” Laura Loomer expressed the agreed-upon view that getting booked in what she refers to as “the blackest jail (in) the state of Georgia” magically delivers the Black vote on a silver platter, which I think demonstrates the intellectual prowess of the white nationalist movement rather elegantly.
Yeah, I bet that’s what happens, Laura. I hear Jim Clyburn’s gonna switch parties and endorse at the next Unite the Right rally.
Now Sarah Palin wants a civil war, and I think if we agree in advance to provide humanitarian aid, in the form of a few Hereford ranches’ worth of dewormer, we can leave the rest to natural selection.
Mugshot merch is all the rage, of course. Gotta have the latest t-shirt on while you’re chanting “lock her up” alongside all the other rubes, right? “Hillary for Prison” is so 2016.
Still, I grudgingly congratulate the guy for weighing in at a svelte 215 pounds at the time of his arrest. (Stormy Daniels swapped gigs with Daniel Dale to provide fact-checking on that claim. And though I’m generally a Dale fan, I suggest you pass on his end of that bargain.)
Anyway, Tangerine Idi Amin hoped to delay his many trials until such time as Elon could make good on that promise to deliver brain-swapping technology, (so THAT’S what Eric is for!) but, as in all his endeavors, from denuclearizing the Korean Peninsula to taming the wily umbrella…he failed.
And so we have a trial date. March 4th. rIGhT BeFOrE suPeR TuESDaY, so primary season in the land of bomb threats targeting libraries just got even zanier, which makes me extra grateful that so many of the Very Proudest of Boyz will be spending this election cycle (and the next one and the next one and the next one) in time out.
He’s just worried he’ll miss Chris Christie’s concession speech; and sure, “just DVR it,” you’re thinking, but imagine how difficult it must be to operate a remote control with those stunted, ineffectual phalanges. You heartless bastards.
When Team DiSappointus named their super PAC “Never Back Down,” you knew there was no fucking way the universe’s many hubris-abhorring gods were gonna let that shit slide, and sure enough, they’re already pulling door-knockers from key states. Too busy harassing nosey 15-year-olds, y’see. Roomer has it the candidate will be dropping out soon, anyway.
DeSantis worked hard to transform himself into the sort of fellow who gets booed at a vigil for victims of a hate crime, because you can’t get anywhere in Republican politics without being the sort of fellow who gets booed at a vigil for victims of a hate crime, but possessed as he is with the inescapable gawkiness of birthday clown on the sex offender registry in the uncanny valley, Ron finds himself losing ground to the more personable bigots.
Which brings us to the latest belle of the MAGA ball, who, owing to the front-runner’s cowardice, had the braying jackass lane all to himself at the first debate. Vivek Ramaswamy blathers endlessly on like a chatbot that’s been fed nothing but Breitbart op-eds, Ashley Madison profiles, and low-quality meth, so naturally, an increasing number of Republican primary voters want to invest him with the authority to launch nuclear strikes.
Ramaswamy spouts so much stupid, stupid shit, even Fox has started calling him out. His foreign policy ramblings have been proclaimed “criminally stupid” by no less an authority than Marc Thiessen, who was undoubtedly thrilled to find himself on the other end of that designation for a change.
Devastatingly, in the midst of this increased scrutiny, Ramaswamy will no longer be permitted to lose himself in either the music or the moment on the campaign trail, because he doesn’t own it, Eminem does, and it seems Mr. Mathers is understandably less than eager to see his work associated with a fashy little twerp’s bid for power.
Just a heads-up: if Vivek compensates by debuting a karaoke rendition of Rich Men North of Richmond, I’m retiring. Anyway, though denounced as a false Slim Shady, he still managed to procure the coveted O.J. Simpson endorsement.
Couldn’t help but grin at the headline “Super PAC mounts major effort to carry Burgum back to the debate stage,” because that was actually the backup plan for Sisyphus, if it turned out he was somehow really into rolling boulders uphill.
Meanwhile, Kevin McCarthy’s trying to bribe the Chip Roy wing of his feral caucus with the prospect of an impeachment inquiry he lacks both the evidence and the votes for, but Chip won’t bite, saying he believes not shutting the government down will give his dog autism.
Yes, here in the most advanced nation in human history, damn near 40% of the dog-owning public thinks “vaccines could cause cognitive issues in dogs and may lead them to develop autism,” because it’s not enough anymore to simply take that suicide dive from our perch atop the food chain, we’ve got to drag everybody else down with us.
Tennessee House Republicans voted to silence the previously expelled, since reelected Rep. Justin Jones, in case anybody thought previous outbursts of racist authoritarianism were outliers brought on by spoiled fish in the Capitol cafeteria.
What else, what else….CPAC and Project Veritas are rotting to death from within, and Mike Lindell had his line of credit cut off, but somehow the Consequences Fairy still has time to visit the Giuliani household damn near every day. Santa’s a cuuuuuuuck.
I find myself envying future generations the experience of reading the inevitable multi-volume Rudy Giuliani biography. What a satisfying ride that will be. Book One: Rudy Fucks Around charts the rise of an authentic American monster, as he attains wealth and power, and worse, acclaim and admiration. By the time he’s Time Magazine’s Person of the Year and presidential front-runner, the reader will be grinding their teeth at all the unchecked fuckery.
Then along comes Book Two: Rudy Finds Out, which picks up at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, and delivers 500-or-so pages of sweet, slapstick comeuppance. “But Grandpa, there’s no way the Borat thing really happened, right?” and I’ll just smirk a little smirk and unwrap another Werther’s Original.
Anyhow, Rudy’s been found liable for defaming a pair of Georgia election workers, and word is Jack Smith may charge him with operating an autogolpe with a blood alcohol concentration over the legal limit, oh, and also he was possibly compromised by Russian intelligence, according to an FBI whistleblower.
I do enjoy watching traitors squirm as the law closes in. Been a good week for that. Eastman, Meadows, Navarro…keep ‘em comin’, says I.
Well, I made myself write out “I will take the high road regarding Mitch McConnell’s health struggles” on the blackboard 5,952 times, but what ultimately enabled me to persevere was my long-standing determination to resemble the ghouls who hang out with Laura Ingraham as little as possible.
Hey, filthy communists! If you want Ted Cruz’s Real Murican beers, which are definitely not Bud Lights, COME (to Cancún) AND TAKE ‘EM! They are manly, explicitly anti-woke beers, and he will be drinking WAY MORE of them than two a week, no matter what Fauci mandates! TED WILL NOT COMPLY*!
I see Clarence Thomas finally fessed up to being Hitler-collecting American oligarch Harlan Crow’s sugar baby, allowing him to return, with a clear conscience, to the important work of imposing Harlan’s policy preferences on an unwilling public.
If anybody needs me, I’ll be camped out in front of whatever venue winds up hosting the first debate of the Arizona Republican Senate primary. Blake Masters vs. Kari Lake? Dear lord. What’re they gonna argue about, the date JFK Jr. finally comes back?
Well, missed a few stories, might take me a couple weeks to get back into the swing of things, but it’s a start. Cap’s back, bay-bee!
Hey, I’m running behind, so I’m not going to be as eloquent as I’d like, but I do want to thank everyone who reached out with a message of support after the ol’ pre-hiatus breakdown. I read every word, two or three times over, and I can’t express how much they meant, at a time when I really fuckin’ needed the encouragement. And the beer, of course.
The time away was, as I’d hoped, rejuvenating, and I suppose I’m as close to working my shit out as any of us ever are, so let’s get back to work. Ascendant American fascism isn’t gonna shovel itself onto the ash heap of history, y’know…
Oh, and I’m making a half-assed attempt to rebuild the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, ahead of some comic book activity. @john_luzar if you’re interested.
*Unless you insult his wife and father first.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!
My life is already better and I haven’t even read your post yet. Thank you, we all appreciate you so much. Your wit and insight make Fridays something to look forward to. You know we all love you, right?
So glad you are back, Cap! Really missed your take on the bizzaro world we are stuck in
Thank God your back Cap!
Hooray for Captain, Shower
American restorer;
He will inflame
Those who need shame
And that is why we say,
Hooray! Hooray! 😀
So glad to have you back, Cap. We missed you. 🍻
Missed you, ever so glad your back.
Ypu were issed!
You were missed!
Sooooo gol-darned happy to find you in my inbox just now, Cappy! Well-rested, I trust, and ready to once again have at it in your singular, inimitable fashion. You have been seriously missed, friend, and many will now jump for joy!
WELCOME BACK.!!!!!
Missed your wonderful «voice» whilst hoping and praying for your return!!!
Lots of hugs and love!!!
Woohoo! This made my day. My week, really!!! So glad to have you back, Cap! Love ya!
So happy to hear from you again. On just about every issue we are in sync,but you are a lot funnier. I hope your time off helped you feel better and rejuvenated for the fight ahead. 2024 is truly the most important election of our lifetimes.
Any one know where we can buy that mug shot on a roll of T,P.??
I would so enjoy wiping my ass on that pic.
I think some one could get rich.
Yasss!!!!
I’ve had this Friday marked with an asterisk on my calendar for the happy occasion of your return, Cap. Glad to have you back. You kick off a weekend like no other.
What a pleasant surprise! Welcome back Cap! No shortage of WTF this summer and plenty ahead. Glad you’re back to ensure we don’t miss a thing!
I’ve missed you, Cap! So glad you’re back! Now I can get a week’s worth of news from one place again…because you’re like awesome.
‘ smirk a little smirk and unwrap another Werther’s Original.’
I love Werther’s!!!
Glad to see you back. Many folks over at DKOS were asking about you this week.
YOU HAVE BEEN MISSED!!
I literally burst into a huge grin when I saw your email. You’ve been missed!
I was just thinking of you this morning! So good to see your name in my inbox!!!! Thank you for coming back. It’s been a bleak summer without you. Glad you’re rejuvenated and back at it, not even missing a beat. I missed you and remembered you were the one that came up with ‘spaghetti stained Tupperware’ as a description for tRump’s coloring. No one but Cap comes up with zingers like that! Welcome back to our world.
Missed your witty observations all summer long and am deliriously delighted you are back again to make our Friday nights eventful with your posts. We love you!
Hey, Cap!
Good to see you back and glad you took the time you needed. Always want you (actually everyone, just think how much better the world would be if some of the folk we like to chat about here would do the kind of self work you just did for three months) to take care of you first. Happy to see you and your acerbic writing back in my email box this Friday night…much needed.
Joni
yup, the rethugs consider Mitch to be a formerly useful idiot. Cue Janet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9uizdKZAGE
Welcome back, good sirrah! Hope the break did you good.
Welcome back!!
You were missed, but it’s good that you took care of yourself first.
Welcome back!
Yay! Glad you put your mental health first. I missed you, I’m happy you’re back at it. 🥰
It’s been pretty dry around these parts – glad you’re back!
The attendants just stepped out to confer with Dr. Shrinko. They will never dissuade me from believing that my yesterday missive to you is why you’ve finally returned.
I remain maniacally laughing that you have re-emerged.
Whoa, been too long, Shower Cap, however, even if you don’t think you’re yet in full form, it was still an awesome read! 🙂
Hey Cap! Welcome back!! You were sorely missed. Over the time of your hiatus, I kept thinking, “What’s wrong with the weekend—something is definitely missing!”
IT WAS YOU!
I sincerely wish you all the rewards of rejuvenation! You deserve it! Thank you! Yours is such a unique perspective — it always makes me feel there’s a light at the end of this very dark tunnel!
Many, many hugs from Oregon.
Missed you, my friend! So glad to see you back. And thanks for noticing the weight loss – my ass really does look great in these pants!
Love ya, buddy. Fridays just got a whole lot better again.
Great to have you back. Take care of yourself as you entertain us. This crap we are living through takes a toll on anyone with a fully functioning brain.
SO VERY VERY GLAD U R BACK!!!
So happy you’re back. Yesssssss
Thank GOD you are back, man! The world fell apart even more while you were gone, if you can believe it. You see, I don’t drink, so I don’t even have THAT comfort/escape, but today, I will buy YOU a beer!
Glad to see you back, Cap! You just made my Labor Day Weekend brighter, before it even started. Keep It Up!
Seeing you back in the saddle is better than Christmas morning! Missed you so much, but understand the need for detoxifying after a steady diet of soul-crushing news. Love your wit. Yee-haw, buckaroo!
Glad you are back. You’ll soon be in prime form!
lWelcome back, Cap. Now my TGIF is whole again. You haven’t skipped a beat.
I sure missed getting hoarse
every Friday night. The read-aloud tradition continued! Thanks for the chuckles. Glad you’re back!
i do that, too! read aloud to the dear hubby…in between belly laughs and gasps of breath. It was a long summer with cap’s take on events.
I am so happy you have come back to cheer and entertain us with your wonderful take on life and politics. Yes, I agree with every one of these comments. You are a thing of beauty and a joy forever. ♥️ from Alaska.
What a happy surprise to see you in my inbox with another amazingly funny, spot on take of the cray cray times we are going thru! So glad you’re back stay well.
Welcome back, Cappie…
So glad to see you back in my inbox. We’ve missed you so much. Since the writers’ strike in Hollywood, there’s not even any fresh comedy on TV to make us laugh at the insanity of these times. Your blog is always the cream of the crop, anyway, and never fails to make me laugh and feel hopeful. Sending a warm and grateful welcome on your return from your well-deserved vacation.
Hip Hip Hooray!!!! Huzzah!!!! The Cap Is Back And Badder Than Ever!!! Let’er rip, Big Guy!!!!
OMG, it is soooooo good to have you back. I have so missed your fabulous writing and this one had me belly laughing a half dozen times or so. I loved Vivek in “the braying jackass lane” and your casual drop of “roomers” among many. Great to have you back.
So damn glad you’re back to entertaining (and enlightening?) us all on Friday night, and very glad you took the time you needed to take care of YOU!
Good Sir Cap, a joyful shriek from me to see your email pop up, so happy to have you back and in fine form from your R & R. You have been missed, I very much look forward to your fabulous commentary on the ongoing insanity that is American politics.
Hazzah! Peace and blessings to you from Tasmania
So glad to have you back! You’ve been missed.
WELCOME BACK CAP!!!! YOU WE MISSED YOU.!!!
Glad to have you back and in form Cap! Fridays were so dull and dreary without you around.
Good to see the snarkery lives on.
Welcome back, Cap! Missed you more than I want to admit. Good to see your words of wit again.
I’ve been wandering in the wilderness without my weekly Cap! Welcome back!
Yeeee-haw! Let the games begin. You’re back and I’m glad to read your dulcet tones again. Assuming the dulcet-ness here. Hope the time away did what you needed.
Welcome back, Cap! Was starting to get the shakes from missing your weekly witty banter and egregious sarcasm. I’m feeling better now. Glad you are, as well.
With you on sabbatical i got deeper into political porn but still missed a lot of what you covered today, like the Quinn Mitchell story! There is only one Cap, so WELCOME BACK!
Excellent read after so long being away. It’s nice to have you back in top form. Looking forward to further coverage as this comeuppance unfolds in the weeks and months ahead.
Thank you for coming back .I look forward to your points every week.
So happy to see you back Cap!!! You are the best.
Welcome back SC! Glad to see you rested up.
I’m so happy you’re back. I’ve sorely missed your humorous musings on all the crazy that passes for American politics these days.
Welcome back! Hope you enjoyed your holiday. You were missed…
Welcome back, Cap! So good to see you!
Gawd, we have missed you. Welcome back. My Friday evenings/Saturday mornings have meaning once again.
Welcome back! Glad you’ve sorted some things out and are ready to rock again; your perspective is much needed. I’ve missed the Friday laughter…. Hugs from VT.
What they all said. Seriously, I whooped and hollered when I saw your email. Yippee. Happy times are here again, or at least some help digesting what’s happening around us. So glad you’re back.
So glad you’re back! It’s been a long summer without your weekly brilliant insights. (BTW, have you considered using Threads in place of the evil Musk machine?)
Welcome back where you belong Cap, damn its good to see you back.
Oh JOY! Cap is back! What delight! Very fitting that you’re here for all the delicious Finding Out phases of Dumpy’s plummet down the escalator of history and has-been-ness, as well as all his rotten enablers. Cheers and love from northern Wisconsin.
Oh, sweetie, we missed you so VERY, VERY much. YAY! Cap’s back, kickin’ ass, takin’ names, and making us so proud and happy again!
Glad you’re back dear Shower Cap! xoxoxoxooxx
yay, Cap is back! We missed you. Looking forward to your continued savage satire of the ever-devolving MAGA-ts…
So great to have you back, Cap! Now my Fridays are whole again!
So glad to have you back . This shit is hard. I’m glad you had the foresight to take a break. My weekends are brighter now that you are back.
Oh how we have missed you!!! Welcome back Cap. 😀
I yelled out loud when I saw your email. I have to echo everyone else-I’m so glad you’re back! Don’t be afraid to take off when you need a break from the endless crap. Take care.
Soooooooo happy to have you back. Watching the news while you were gone, it was pretty clear why someone can get too much of it. But we need you to put it all in perspective for us!!
wow.
After going through those entries, I don’t know what to say. “Welcome Back!!!” has already been offered 24,482 times, along with “glad you’re feeling better” and “god, we missed you!!!”
You even got one of your audience to thank you for noticing his ass, which I was considering threatening you (humorously) with litigation over. . .
It’s been too long, so I’m glad you’re feeling better, less stressed, and willing to wade back into the garbage for the sole purpose of gathering little bits of -!SHINY!- to amaze and delight your fans with.
Y’all truly are loved, brother, and by as disparate a gang of–well, whatever we all are in composite–as ever sailed the seas or marched against brutal power. We don’t NEED you–I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on your recently-fragile psyche–but we all appreciate the hell out of you, as you bring a truly unique view to the putrid slop spilling out of our news feeds every stinkin’ day.
And a little humor, too. . .
Welcome back, Cap, I’ve missed you, and I’m glad you’re feeling better juuuuuuuuuuuust in time for Tronald Dump’s court appearances, where we may actually get to watch him on the stand, being cross-examined by someone with an actual working brain and the power of Law behind them.
Feel exultant, Cap, that you’ve come through the angst and are mostly back.
And quit looking at, and publicly commenting on, my ass.
Henry Rinehart
HER ass, that was me!
Life is tough when the Bss is away!
Thank goodness you’re back, Cap. My morning is so much better when your comments are in front of me. Keep up the good work and don’t forget how much you are appreciated.
YAY… You’re back!
Like they all said!!
Jimmy Buffett gone but having Cap back helps me over my grief.
Yes, yes it does!
Greetings from desantistan
Thank-you Showercap! Welcome back!
I’m so glad you’re back Cap!
While you’re trying to take care of our Republic, remember to take care of yourself, we need you strong!
Oh Cap, you came back just when you said you would! So glad to have your snarky stability back in my political feed. Bless.
You know who likes and reads comics? The Fediverse! Please consider taking an extra walk to the woke side and creating/posting on Mastodon as well as on Ex. We’re sane and the engagement is real and strong.
Welcome back CAP!!! Missed you so! Things have stayed well wacko out there since your respite! Hope you are feeling well and STRONG! Gonna take some fortitude to respond to the idiocy this time out! Do, please do keep your secret identity well protected as there are way to many frothing maniacs involved in the potential future of our once great country! And the orange malignancy is only the white head pimple on the face of the monster he has unleashed. Wouldn’t have been shocked if you had decided to not return to the glaring limelight but am immensely glad you are back !We need you!
Here is another reason we need Cap. The Nazis are running amok.
So many Nazis. We have more Nazis marching in Florida, “Blood Tribe and The Goyim Defense League”, no female members allowed of course. Has any Republican condemned them? The R’s never criticize the Third Reich.They collect Hitler Memorabilia instead. The Nazi Billionaire and evil villain Elon Musk now attacks the Anti-Defamation League. This organization fights Nazis, and exposes their never-ending attacks against Jewish people. Elmo, who is not even an American, calls the ADL “the biggest generators of anti-Semitism on this platform!”. Nazi billionaires continue to give millions of dollars to Supreme Court Justices who are also Nazis. The Trump Judges already have eliminated women’s reproductive rights and health. Roberts the Chief bribe taker on the Court, has legalized machine guns for anyone. And Baby Nazi Trump, King of the Maggots, has raised money for the Jan 6 Terrorists. If you provide material support for the Jan. 6 insurrection, you are a terrorist.
https://www.mediaite.com/politics/elon-musk-wildly-attacks-the-adl-as-one-of-the-biggest-generators-of-anti-semitism-in-reply-to-notorious-white-nationalist
Atta boy! Feel better? I do!
So good to see you back. Hope the rest was long enough. Beer on the way!