I was gonna write “TGIF,” like the day of the week still matters at all, or the weekend brings some sort of release from the insanity that carpet-bombs our consciousness every minute of every day, but I decided against it. Fuck. It’s raining golf ball-sized batshit, Resisters, you’re gonna want to wear a hat.

Look, we’re all just trying to make the best of things here in Hell. I see the Toronto Blue Jays are relocating to Buffalo for the season, and that sounds like a nice little solution, but shouldn’t we flip through a few religious texts real quick, just to make sure there’s nothing symbolically compatible with any End Times myths here? No “when the Bird of the North settles in the Land of the Wing, a Butthole-Mouthed Rich Boy shall fuck up all Creation” kinda stuff?

Because we already know the magic words that open the Seventh Seal:

Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV!

I have certainly never felt closer to the apocalypse than I did watching the footage of the Deteriorator in Chief regaling a Fux Nooz interviewer with the epic tale of his Most Heroic Triumphe Over the Foule and Nefarious Cognitive Test.

Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV!

It’s a new Klaatu Barada Nikto for these deranged times, and chanting it will summon Cthulhu’s shitty, racist cousin, who crashes on your couch and wipes out all life on Earth with his Steak-umms farts.

If you say Person Woman Man Camera TV in the mirror five times, the Candyman will go on a ten-minute rant about how mask mandates violate his civil rights.

Friends, it is MADNESS that this visibly crumbling imbecile has been allowed to keep the powers of the presidency. He is a criminal, he is a sociopath, he is a brainless, broken manchild with only the most selfish and sinister motivations, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT what’s left of his Adderall-addled mind is leaking out of his goddamn nostrils and splattering on the Resolute desk like cold oatmeal. Impeachment, 25th amendment, covid…I’m not particular at this point.

Missed this one last time, but now we’ve learned Shart Garfunkel pressured our Ambassador to Britain to find some way to get the British Open awarded to his tacky-ass Scottish golf club, and I suppose we should be thankful his imagination is limited to these petty grifts, rather than Fleming-esque master plans to weaponize the full powers of his office, though given a second term, he’d surely get around to menacing European capitals with nuclear weapons in order to extract ransom.

Gaslighting is certainly challenging in this age of readily-available video receipts, and I’d almost pity Kellyanne Conway her thankless task as Minister of Disinformation, if her work wasn’t, you know, a relentless attempt to destroy the United States on both the symbolic and physical levels. Anyway, watching her try to shame governors who re-opened their states too early as though the Turd Reich hadn’t done their damndest to flog everyone out the door was…I mean, you can’t convince Paula she lost her brooch if she saw you steal it on CNN.

Speaking of Team Treasonweasel’s ongoing campaign against reality, their latest re-election strategy involves feeding the country footage of the very carnage wrought by their candidate’s never-ending string of fuckups while screaming LOOK AT WHAT JOE BIDEN WANTS! Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, I guess it makes about as much sense as saying your opponent has dementia while your guy keeps screaming LOOK AT ME I CAN REMEMBER FIVE WORDS, but I don’t see it playing in the Rust Belt.

Operation Legend, or “Losers Emulating the Gestapo to Enact Needed Distractions” is ramping up, on the theory that you can win an election by making people more afraid of a fake thing than a real thing. Like, just the authoritarian part of dispatching unaccountable federal officers to beat up peaceful protesters is perfectly insidious on its own; but then when you factor in the bit where it’s all ultimately a ploy to superimpose an imaginary urban crime problem over the very real coronavirus problem, I mean, that’s some genuinely evil shit, right there.

Redactor General William Barr boasted his personal private police force made 200 arrests in Kansas City alone, an impressive statistic he only inflated by a factor of 200. Let me be clear and say I would rather Bilious Bill keep on telling fish stories here than try to make reality match his lies, but again, none of this Putin’s Playhouse theatre is going to make us forget the fucking pandemic, campers, so you may as well cut it out.

I’m sure the last remains of Ted Yoho have been scraped off the bottom of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s boot like so much dog poo by now, but I don’t know what the process is here…does the governor appoint a replacement, or does the Florida 3rd just have to settle for being represented by Ted’s obliterated husk now?

While we have to wait until January to see decency restored in the White House, it seems COVID-19 can come and go as it pleases. It was a cafeteria worker that tested positive this time. It’s only the, what, third time the little bastard has gotten within coughing distance of the Oval Office? Fourth? Your wishes aren’t QUITE hitting that star yet, is what I’m saying; you shoulda written down what that fuckin’ cricket said.

So, Stephen Miller’s grandmother died of COVID-19, and before you could even begin to wrestle with the question of how much sympathy a mass-murdering monster deserves for losing his Nana, the Shart House comms shop, aka Miller’s office, screeched “NO, COVID IS FAKE SHE DIED FROM LOVING HER GRANDSON TOO MUCH,” and this one’s right at the intersection of evil and banality, isn’t it?

Like, Stephen’s empathy-challenged idiot boss using his enormous platform to circulate the lie that kids don’t spread coronavirus, a lie that will absolutely get people killed, get CHILDREN killed; that’s obviously many degrees more heinous than fibbing about gramma’s death certificate, but y’know…if you’ll tell the small lie, of course you’ll tell the big one. I don’t wanna play pundit, but electing mendacious fools who don’t care about human life might’ve been a mistake.

The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, joins Peevish Paul Manafort in home confinement (well, confinement in their own separate homes, of course, though that’d be one heckuva reality show), after a judge found he’d been sent back to prison in retaliation for his forthcoming book, “Crimes the President Ordered Me to Commit on His Behalf.” I’m emotionally torn here. I’m pro-Cohen-in-jail because he’s a felon, but definitely anti-imprisoning-enemies-of-the-regime-for-speaking-out, because fuck that fascist noise with rusty garden shears, and also pro-publishing-books-that-crotch-punt-Donnie-Dotard-before-the-election, but anti-Michael-Cohen-profiting-from-his-crimes. To say nothing of pro-using-hyphens-like-this, and anti-looking-up-if-doing-so-is-grammatically-allowable.

Don’t you just hate it when you have to cancel the massive cult rally you desperately needed to temporarily fill the loveless void that opened in your soul when your father sent you to military school JUST BECAUSE the pandemic you’ve let rage unobstructed through the country has spun so completely out of control that it isn’t safe to assemble in groups? Yeah, that’s a real bummer, Shart-Shart. I know you were looking forward to your little shindig down in Jacksonville, but then, 148,000 Americans (and counting) were looking forward to finishing out their natural lives, soooooooo…y’know, we’ve all got problems.

Like, how does Cult45 rationalize this shit? “Oh, obviously it is simultaneously unsafe for our leaders, who have naught but our best interests at heart, to hold their convention, but completely safe to send our children back to school, and you are a communist and a pedophile to contest either point!”

Well looka here, as if on cue, suddenly the CDC’s not-at-all politicized new guidelines say schools somehow magically became safe overnight, and that children and novel coronaviruses should frolic in the fields together because the risks of contraction and transmission are really quite low, tra-lee tra-la! Cool that the institutions we trust with our health and safety have been corrupted by a pudding-brained crook who STILL THINKS HE CAN LIE HIS WAY OUT OF A PANDEMIC, heaven help us all.

Anyway, yeah, we’re back at the point where the corpse mound is high enough that even President Crotchrot has to once again grudgingly confess the problem is kinda sorta almost real, and one really good reason to vote for Joe Biden is to break that fucking cycle before everybody’s dead or crazy.

Congressional Republicans are, of course, hard at work crafting legislation to help the covid-weary American public through these trying times. Take Louie Gohmert’s bill to abolish the Democratic Party BECUZ TH’CONFEDERACY HAW HAW HAW, reflecting the rapidly-emerging scientific consensus that the coronavirus can be contained by dipshit wingnut trolling.

Then there’s Tom Cotton, who can find no better use for his time than to performatively introduce nuisance legislation that would prevent public schools from teaching the New York Times’ 1619 project, because he really wants the whole world to know the precise longitude and latitude of his residence on the wrong side of history. I am so exhausted by everything that’s happened since Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s escalator descent directly into everyone’s brain, and knowing I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life fighting to keep men like Cotton away from power makes me want to scream till my throat explodes.

Major League Baseball’s pandemic-delayed opening day saw every player and coach save one kneel in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, and folks, when traditionally conservative cultures like professional sports and People So Rich They Own Sports Teams are behaving like this, you know the ground is really moving. That Game Show Göring has so insistently planted his flag on the wrong side of this increasingly important issue certainly bodes well for November…and it’s also pretty fucking funny. These assclowns keep doing shit that everyone hates, and then they don’t get why their polls are bad. I mean…nobody tell ‘em, I guess.

And now Mitch McConnell and his useless, overmatched caucus seem to have finally noticed that the economy will melt down like Sam Nunberg (remember him?) without another stimulus bill, but they’re dithering over precisely how much new suffering the American people must be asked to bear in the name of the Republican Party’s catastrophic failures. Dunno about y’all, but that makes me want to elect a bunch of new Democratic Senators. Say, you remember the Action Guide from the midterms? Might be just about time to dust that thing off…

Well, I’m in Chicago, so I’m definitely curious/excited/filled with dread to see just how much fascism is coming to town this weekend, wish me luck! Wherever you are, stay safe, there are an awful lot of interesting things trying to kill you these days.