Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Rapist Demands Immunity, Presidency
What we need is a new word, yes, probably a German one, that would mean “laugh-out-loud embarrassing, but in a sufficiently fascist manner as to remain unnerving.” It’s that thing we’re all sick of feeling.
I could use that word right now, since it’s time to talk about the 2024 Iowa Republican presidential caucuses.
As expected, the rapist ran away with it. Republican voters sure do love their rapist. ‘Course, he’s not just any rapist, he’s the rapist who tried to end American democracy. Honestly, how could a listless pudding fondler like Ron DeSantis hope to compete?
Ron’s not quite ready to slink back to Tallahassee, so he’s going to flop around for our amusement at least through New Hampshire, which I appreciate. He might not have anyone left to talk to, cuz Nikki says from now on, she’s only gonna debate rapists she’s promised to pardon.
Ron made one last, feeble pass at the anti-vax crowd, which’ll work as well as everything else he’s tried. It’s not Long Covid you’ve got to worry about with your electorate, kid, it’s Long Horse Paste.
I guess Haley’s polling well enough in New Hampshire to merit Off-Brand Orbán’s attention, since he finally lobbed that long-expected lump of casually racist hate at her. “How dare you imply America was ever, for even a fleeting moment, a racist country!?! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phoneful of death threats to sift through!”
Grating wokeness disliker Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out, as did normcore non-factor Asa Hutchinson. And right now, they could team up to make the greatest political documentary/buddy comedy of all time, but they won’t, and I think that’s a shame.
Asa n’ Vivek On the Road, I would watch the shit out of that. Coupla crazy kids from opposite sides of the track, searching for the MAGA-infected Republican Party’s dark heart. Having misadventures. Running out of gas while fleeing a Three Percenter rally gone wrong. I would sign up for your streaming service to watch that.
Best part of the Iowa caucuses is the wave of “Say, I’m not sure these “evangelical” fellows are entirely on the level” columns. Yep. Bit of a death cult, really. Glad you’re catching up.
Getting back to the Republican frontrapist, he spent the week harassing and re-defaming the woman he raped. I dunno, maybe they get a different Bible in red states. Maybe Jesus is a rapist in their Bible.
Anyway, this particular rapist, who is a lot of evangelicals’ favorite rapist, demands absolute legal immunity, which I get, because he’s committed…oh my god you guys, so many crimes. Including rape. The rapist who tried everything he could think of, up to and including violent insurrection, to overturn an election he lost would rather not be prosecuted.
And again, I get that. Don’t agree, but I get it. I think we should have the rule of law, and democracy, and not “whatever this one rapist wants.” I sincerely believe it’s the stronger choice.
Although…he did pass that cognitive test. Bragging, no, strutting about the cognitive test is part of the stump speech now. There Once Was a Rapist Who Passed a Cognitive Test, So We Made Him King. That’s the creation myth. Also, Maybe He Has Syphilis Now? Evangelicals, man. Wacky people.
I’m sincerely grateful to Ted Cruz for providing comic relief during the genuinely terrifying ritual of governors and senators genuflecting to a man who thinks magnets break when they get wet. He just deserves the debasement so richly. Actually, watching Ted Cruz snarf bowl after bowl of Donald Trump’s shit is probably my favorite thing about ascendant American fascism.
Well, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer got caught doctoring closed-door testimony. Again. This dolt’s master plan, by the way, is to run this same sad con, which he has fucked up every single time, on Hunter Biden. Jimmy thinks he’s good at this, you guys.
How happy was Mike Johnson to receive orders from on high to tank the Senate border compromise? “Shoot, we know how to fuck legislation up! Gettin’ pretty good at it, if I do say so m’self. It’s passing the stuff that gets us in trouble.”
Of course, the last thing Republicans want is to actually solve any border-related problems; they’re enjoying the brownshirty new transgressiveness of the fear-mongering around the issue far too much. I find Greg Abbott’s increasingly flamboyant cruelty particularly spine-chilling.
Meanwhile, Paul Gosar is fundraising off the batshit claim that wokeism has led to the ethnic cleansing of whites from the military, a few short days after we learned about those neo-Nazi interns he hired.
Oh, and I see Charlie Kirk decided it was time for furiously subpar white boys to reclaim Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Some Moms for Liberty types’re launching their very own charter school, which sounds like the premise of a season of American Horror Story. Can you imagine the parade of incels and mass shooters that’s gonna stumble out of a fucking MOMS FOR LIBERTY CHARTER SCHOOL?
The nerds’ll join the Federalist Society, and the jocks’ll join the Proud Boys. And let me tell you right up front, any furries in the student body will use the restroom that corresponds to both the gender and species assigned at birth.
So. Yeah. Still pretty nutty out there. ‘Swhy I drink.
This is the part where I dance you over to the digital tip jar, which I’ve styled as a “beer fridge,” as part of my adorable ”Shower Cap” persona: a lovable scamp, a drunken loudmouth who wears a bathrobe and a luchador mask and blogs for whatever reason. Now accepting Cash App, Venmo, and PayPal. Following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter is another thing you could do. Or not do.
And if you’re feelin’ freaky, for a limited time, you can even pre-order my WWII comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation. I’m real proud of how this one turned out, so if you missed the Kickstarter, well…second chances don’t roll up every day, y’know.