Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around?
Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry white dudes. Access to the beach would be nice.
Operation: Little Man Vlad Plays War is still going exactly according to plan, assuming the intention was to ensure the world remembers Putin as the single dumbest agent of atrocity in all human history.
The Russian military continues its extremely public deterioration into an impotent pile of roughly-used kitty litter. They’re actually losing ground now, losing officers, and even warships, in addition to the, you know, thousands and thousands of troops. Still, morale seems to be holding up; incidents of Russian soldiers running over their commanders with tanks have largely remained isolated thus far.
Meanwhile, the West just keeps on finding new sanctions in the sofa cushions, while diligently filling Zelensky’s increasingly-specific shopping lists. Oh, and Europe is moving with impressive speed and efficiency* towards a massive decoupling from Russian energy, so I don’t think your adorable little “economy” will even qualify for the G20 in a couple weeks, but it’s certainly amusing that you imagine you can just show up at the meeting with a case of High Life, ready to dazzle Olaf Scholz with your Euphoria takes like nothing happened. Like anyone gives a shit what Dumber Hitler wants the global economy to look like.
In fairness, you’ve been a bit off your game lately, Vlad-o. Now that you’re running out of missiles, (congrats again on that sweet-ass battle plan, bro) I see the best the mighty strongman can muster is feeble whinging that he’s getting “cancelled,” like J.K. Rowling. Wallowing in mewling victimhood, like a third-rate Donald Trump. Ouch.
You’re going out like an absolute bitch, Vlad, and it’s spectacular to behold. I don’t know precisely how far out your Turturro-in-Miller’s Crossing moment is, but I’m ordering pizza that night. Incidentally, little man, superpowers don’t need to beg Belarus for battlefield bailouts.
Speaking of Lukashenko’s pathetic little puppet state, they granted asylum to fugitive January 6th terrorist Evan Neumann, because sometimes history feels the need to tie a few threads together into one great big, fucked up bow. Either to amuse us or drive us insane, I can’t figure out which.
Well, the Ye Gods Look Upon the Fallen State of American Conservatism Pageant, excuse me, “Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing,” went more or less exactly how you knew it would…hour upon hour of the cringiest imaginable posturing from the dullest assholes on the planet, as they competed for the affections of an attention span-challenged hate cult.
Master sleuth Josh Hawley uncovered the Democratic Party’s nefarious court-packing plot to elevate the rights of child pornographers above all others. That’s right, Josh, QAnon is 100% real, and the endgame involves putting pedophiles in ultimate charge of just who has to bake whose cakes. Roy Moore is totally down with that plan, by the way. So is Matt Gaetz. And Josh Duggar. And Ruben Verastigui. And Adam Hageman. And Ralph Shortey. But sure, this is a huge problem…for the Left. Sure.
Or, and bear with me, maybe Josh Hawley is an awkwardly stitched together wad of surgically removed colon tumors, intentionally spreading disinformation that’s widely understood to provoke violence, because he’s a fascist working to burn American democracy down in order to piss in the ashes.
As for Hawley’s distinguished Judiciary Committee colleagues…oh, fucking hell, do I really have to catalog all this crap? What is it about a SCOTUS confirmation that makes these clowns waggle their subpar asses at the world so aggressively?
Like, why did Marsha Blackburn feel it necessary to randomly demonstrate her inability to pass a fifth grade social studies test? WHY? What made Lindsey Graham wave his soiled trousers so proudly before the assembled cameras? Why in seven hells did Ted Cruz think Racist Story Time With My Shitty Beard would benefit him in any way? What meth-addled beetle burrowed into Mike Braun’s brain and told him to take an unprompted shot at interracial marriage? What is in the goddamn water over there, kids?
Look, you are creepy old white people in unappealing suits, and you are not attracting the audience you think you are with your Trumpian tantrums. Shit, Tom Cotton’s such a dreary little freak, nothing from his sorry rant managed to even break through. It’s like y’all’re reciting from the Turner Diaries at the top of your lungs at an otherwise empty deli counter. I despise your ideology of hatred, but I’m also embarrassed for you.
Now, despite the all-you-can-dog-whistle buffet presented by a Black woman’s confirmation hearing in the middle of a manufactured panic over “critical race theory,” Republican Senators still can’t get away with being quiiiiiiiiite as openly racist as they might like, but never fear, shitbags, wingnut pundits like Charlie “Didn’t Dick Tracy Fight This Guy” Kirk are NOT shy about picking up the slack.
Ron DeSantis apparently decided there’s no worthier use of a governor’s time or power than rearranging NCAA swimming results in the name of transphobia. While the fanatical devotion to the supremacy of second place is certainly consistent with current Republican dogma, like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Why are you like this?
Still, you keep hearing about how these acts of raw hatred are actually huge political winners for DeSantis. And like, yeah, I get it; the Republican base is primarily motivated by and interested in hurting people, and making them afraid; it’s called ascendant fascism, yo.
“Gee, Cap, aren’t you being a touch unfair? A little harsh?” Hmmmm…say that after you check out the latest bit of fuckery from Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, his barely restrained glee at deploying his shiny new powers to stamp out one individual school district’s Pride Week.
Like…what a senselessly hateful thing to even want to do. I understand we have differing views on what government is for and what it should be allowed to do, but the idea that the state should intentionally harm children because…well, because that’s what bigots want…that’s a really fucked up idea, you guys.
Hell, look at the Ohio Republican Senate Primary, right? It’s been like watching turds knife-fight in a campground outhouse. For fucking weeks. Of COURSE the feral buttholes’ “debate” nearly descended into an oafish brawl, these voters are looking for shitty people willing to do shitty things.
So expect Eric Greitens to gain ground in the polls, now that he faces a fresh round of allegations straight out of a rejected Law & Order: Special Victims Unit script. It’s almost harder to make your way in a GOP primary without an abomination or two on your resume.
Hey House Republicans, I know that enabling wealthy criminals is sort of your thing, but now that Nebraska Congressthug Jeff Fortenberry has been convicted on three federal felony counts, could we maybe strip him of his lawmaking authority sometime soon? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anyone who’s preening for the cameras about how “tough on crime” they are, of course.
Oh, and SPEAKING OF, turns out Mark Meadows’ insurrectionist bride joined him in his clumsy commission of that rarest of crimes: voter fraud! And friends, there is no damn way to plead ignorance here. “Your Honor, I sincerely believed that claiming a random mobile home where I have absolutely never once lived as my official residence was totally legal.” I mean, why wouldn’t it be? I myself am registered to vote at a Denny’s in Phoenix.
America, I ask you…where are the Meadows’ matching LOCK HIM/HER UP chants? Because I’ve been told, for fucking YEARS now, by pious politicians and rage-blind internet commenters alike, that voter fraud must be punished, responsible as it is for the theft of everything that’s pure and good and right about this country, and as many as thirty bald eagle deaths annually.
And with all due respect to the reflexive You Can’t Make Me Believe Anything I Don’t Want To conservative defense mechanism, these two twerps are nailed to the goddamn wall here, because they were too fucking stupid to not get caught. It’s like they tried to rob a bank with a MyPillow or some shit. I’m saying, YOU’RE RIGHT, REPUBLICANS, let us protect the integrity of our elections by prosecuting these crooks to the fullest extent of the law. I’ll give you a ride to the courthouse so we can watch the sentencing together.
Oh, I suppose we shouldn’t move on from Meadows without mentioning his treasonously batshit text exchanges with Ginni Thomas during the period of the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe. I mean, not a huge deal or anything, just the CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and the wife of a Supreme Court Justice tossing Sydney Powell’s Q-sodden ravings around to justify their criminal conspiracy to steal the federal government from the American people, in the name of their malformed, mediocre, white nationalist god. Normal, healthy shit from a smoothly-functioning modern democracy.
Oh man, the sad, shabby, loser slap fight between Donald Trump and Mo Brooks! Jeeeeezus. Loser un-endorses other loser, accomplishing little beyond shining a white-hot spotlight on both losers’ rapidly-vanishing clout. Even for such human urinal cakes, it’s almost too mortifying to watch, like some John Waters-directed survivalist game show.
Mo, you traitorous taintwart, you knew he was a snake when you incited a terrorist mob to attack Congress in his name, so expect no tears over this reversal of fortune, though if you’re in the mood for a little payback, I don’t imagine the January 6th commission is difficult to reach. Oh, and Donnie? The loserstink is coming from YOU, dawg.
The Deposed Dotard must be going stir-crazy, pacing around Marm-a-Lago, watching his endorsement lose value faster than the ruble, which explains why he’s lobbed another doomed nuisance lawsuit at Hillary Clinton n’ friends. There must be something sadomasochistically comforting about the dependable ritual of humiliating legal defeat, right? I mean…apparently.
Look, Alaska, go ahead and replace newly departed Congressman Don Young with Sarah Palin if you really think she’s the best available option, just don’t be surprised when your state breaks off the continent and drifts away. Looney Tunes decisions, Looney Tunes results.
Well, speaking only for myself, I need to tear myself away from the news now, before my brain runs screaming from my skull, so I’m going to set my tablet down in favor of a craft beer tasting I hope will last through the weekend. Hey, if you backed the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, be on the lookout for an exciting update within the next week or so…either way, stay safe out there, folks.
*You know, those things your army doesn’t have.