“Remember, stupidity always brings losing and death!”

Y’know what? Amidst the sacrilegious AI slop and the ceaseless fucking whinging, he haphazardly careens into a nugget of authentic, folksy wisdom once every decade or so, like some damaged clone of Chance the Gardener.

Stupidity definitely brings losing and death. I can state that with high confidence, because I live in a country that proves it damn near daily.

In fact, our entire political system has configured itself to test this theory with frankly irritating regularity. I would like it if stupidity could bring puppies or rainbows or Toll House cookies fresh from the oven just once, but I suppose I should lie back and enjoy the golden age of losing and death.

Let us take, as an example, one soul-crushingly typical headline from these days of misrule:

“US government map of Africa mislabels every country at global conference”

Damn near any given map of Africa, in its natural state, is probably gonna label the countries right, y’know? It’s such a big part of why we make maps in the first place. Think about how far out of your way you have to go to create an inaccurate map.

This is the State Department, by the way. If your dentist has a mislabeled map of Africa on his wall, that’s weird and concerning, but at least it’s theoretically still possible he knows not to stick the drill up your nose.

Turns out entrusting foreign policy to drooling fuckwits who cannot successfully assemble Power Point slideshows is a good way to wind up bombing schoolyards en route to quagmires. Since we’ve already arrived at the point in the War-ish Iranscursion when the Pentagon is hiding causalities from the public while admitting, however accidentally, that winning is “not an option,” I think it’s fair to conclude that yet again, stupidity brought losing and death.

And since the regime announced the end of a Medicare drug subsidy in the name of war financing, we’ll get to share in the losing and death on the home front, yay!

We even got to explore the storied history of stupidity bringing losing and death, thanks to Rand Paul’s dorky little community theatre show trial. The DOGE cuts definitely reached any agencies tasked with curing Fauci Derangement Syndrome.

America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist sure drives ‘em batty, doesn’t he? Why, Bernie Moreno became so hysterical, he uttered a swear! And this is Bernie Moreno we’re talking about! He’s so mild-mannered you can throw hot water on his daughter and break his granddaughter’s collarbone, and he won’t make a peep!

It’s often difficult to discern what Ron Johnson believes since he’s even worse at talking than he is at thinking (I assume his personal healthcare regimen is largely leech-based), but he counts the good doctor among history’s “most famous infamous villains.” A poet as well, Ron? That’s just unfair.

Tommy Tuberville claims Fauci “killed millions of people.” Which isn’t technically “true,” per se, but once Tommy’s anointed Caliph of Alabamastan, look out. They’ll build a wicker man or some shit. Some slow news day next fall, you’ll scroll past the story three or four times, assuming it’s AI or satire, before you realize no, Governor Tuberville actually did get caught building a wicker man for Dr. Fauci.

Representative John McGuire denounced a process he calls “the BLT sandwich,” of “using human fetus baby parts in the vaccine when they could’ve used ivermectin.”

Like you walk into the vaccine store and the guy behind the counters goes, “Dead baby or livestock dewormer?”

Dead baby.

“Very good, sir.” And he leads you to a tank and you pick one.

I thought it was touching, the way the Dotard went above and beyond expectations at Lindsey Graham’s funeral. He’ll fall asleep damn near anywhere these days, but public demonstrations of his declining motor skills are for special occasions. The irony of a man who (falsely) claims to be “number one on Tic Tac” struggling to get a Tic Tac all the way to his mouth is awfully profound, you’ll agree.

Now he’s saying he’s done more for us than our parents, which isn’t megalomaniacal at all. I’ll wait for an official verdict from the fact-checkers, but just eyeballing the NTAFP* metric, Mom and Dad come out way ahead.

*That’s “Ninja Turtle Action Figures Purchased,” for the economically illiterate. Plus, they gave me life and taught me a bunch of stuff and fed me a bunch of stuff and introduced me to Dr. Strangelove, admittedly a little earlier than they probably should have. Whereas the other party mostly makes things more irritating and expensive.

Some Correspondents’ Dinner, huh? Watching a malignant narcissist sit and squirm while journalists win awards for exposing his revolting private correspondence with a child sex trafficker turns out to rock fairly hard. Put that shit on a commemorative passport, maybe I’ll get one.

The Wall Street Journal did a story on the president’s…Bribery Czar, I suppose you’d call her. Her name is Meredith O’Rourke, they call her the Princess of Darkness, and she tells the bribers where the bribee wants the suitcase of unmarked bills dropped. Meredith, you’ll want to get that pardon in writing, ideally before the next Regularly Scheduled Walter Reed Visit™️.

I tried to work up a gag about Cornyn and Tillis as lame ducks nipping at the fading autocrat’s cankles, but of course the resulting image proved too nauseating to further contemplate. That said, not confirming Todd Blanche as Attorney General and ensuring the demise of the taxpayer-financed terrorist tip jar are certainly outcomes worth pursuing, so nip away, lil’ duckies!

Rumors that Mitch McConnell has died are silly. In fact, he’s RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Apparently “Donald” has hit a record low as a baby name, which is weird, because I feel like half the kids I grew up with were named after their parents’ favorite rapist.

Despite clear evidence of 1st-degree arrangement of seashells with the intent to do murder, it looks like Jimmy Comey is gonna walk on a technicality. It’s infuriating how many enemies of the state escape punishment simply because they haven’t broken any laws.

The Reflecting Pool guy got off, too, so he’s roaming the streets free now. Carving 350-yard gashes into shit. Eating the pets. I bet he teams up with the sandwich lobber to concoct elaborate plots to humiliate Jeanine Pirro by allowing her to follow her impulses.

Googly-eyed Kremlin bitch Kash Patel cannot sue a dude for calling him a blatantly incompetent chud because the Constitution is really quite clear on the right to call a googly-eyed Kremlin bitch a blatantly incompetent chud. In Kash Patel’s case specifically, I suppose it’s theoretically possible to describe him without the words “googly-eyed Kremlin bitch” or “blatantly incompetent chud,” but it wouldn’t be terribly efficient, so if you’re arguing that there’s no constitutional right to concisely state the obvious, well, that’s just stupid.

And remember, stupidity always brings losing and death!

If you don’t believe me, tune in next week. I can damn near guarantee hearty portions of both.

Similarly, blogging about American politics always brings, in me at any rate, a powerful need to drink beer. Oh, I abstractly understand that I cannot target the specific brain cells that retain the memories I’m so desperate to obliterate, but I intend to keep on trying until they turn down my card at the beer store.

If you enjoyed this diatribe, you may contribute to my experiments via Venmo, PayPal, or even Cash App. I have an email list you can join and a Xwitter account you can follow, if you are so inclined. And even if you’re not, stay safe out there, okay?

PS: I’m also getting tantalizingly close to launching the next Kickstarter, for issue #2 of GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE! (Still waiting on some surveys, ya survey-non-answering nogoodniks!)