- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
On Odysseys, Olive Gardens, and Outbreaks (Explosive Diarrhea)
My fellow Antifas, I address you tonight with the heaviest of hearts. Like all of you, I was looking forward to blowing up Mount Rushmore, but alas, Special Agent Pinky Herman, who so famously carved the disappearing 350-yard gash in the Reflecting Pool, failed in this task, proving no match for the wily Jeanine Pirro. In retrospect, hiding out in the boxed wine aisle at Walmart may have been a mistake.
They’re simply too cognitively advanced for us! We are but lowly communists after all. Sure, the generic congressional numbers have gotten gaudy lately, but that was before we had to run against the Man Who Saved Mount Rushmore. From Communists.
Plus, once everybody gets rich off this new tariff on Canadian wildfire smoke, our communism will seem even less appealing by comparison.
Golly, if he figures out some way to push oil back over $100 a barrel, he’ll become so popular they’ll build him a giant robot body so he can be PRESIDENT FOREVER plus maybe the robot could transform into a ballroom which would kill two birds with one stone.
Speaking of the Admittedly Somewhat Warlike Iran Excursion, it’s going so well that they’re hiding the casualty numbers from us. Classier still, they’re desperately seeking any excuse to stuff inconvenient war dead in the hall closet:
“Dear Grieving Parent/s: As your child made the ultimate sacrifice during an official, Trump-branded ceasefire, they are regrettably ineligible for a grateful nation’s thanks. Please sign the enclosed statement endorsing the SAVE America Act in their name.”
Remember back when we weren’t gonna “normalize” this shit? LOL. Look at us now. Of course the Pentagon’s covering up the cost of the illegal war they’re bungling. Never for a moment occurred to me they wouldn’t.
You can’t send a push notification every time Pete Hegseth fucks up and lies about it. Yeah, I said I wasn’t gonna normalize it, but I normalized it! When Junior n’ Eric turn out to be the chief investors in a start-up that harvests organs from the fallen in an unmarked van behind Dover Air Force Base, THEN you can send a push notification!
The Great Dealmaker seemingly granted the journalist-dismembering House of Saud the right to enrich uranium in exchange for two billion dollars for Jared Kushner, only to change the deal after it was signed because everybody on the magical talking picture box kept saying how dumb it was.
I’m sure he’d have gotten to the nuclear diplomacy sooner if he hadn’t been so busy inserting himself into any World Cup ceremony that lacked the foresight to ban rapists at the door. You gotta have priorities. The country’s not gonna embarrass itself, you know.
…or maybe it will, given the ever-expanding explosive diarrhea outbreak. Does a nation that reelects Donald Trump deserve to shit itself to death? That feels like a tight little fable, actually.
I want to take a quick moment to congratulate Western civilization. That Christopher Nolan movie had you on the ropes there for a minute, until that chainsaw-wielding ketamine addict rescued you. Yes, Elon Musk will produce his very own, separate-but-equal, Whites-only Odyssey film via his pet AI, Grok, which, you’ll recall, once proclaimed itself “MechaHitler.”
What could go wrong?
If it’s classical content you’re after, may I recommend the tale of the Tate brothers? The Ancient Greeks looooooved them a hubristic downfall, y’know. “Rapey Icarus whines about the cannibal in the cell next door” is the sort of scene that wins Oscars. Great roles for friends and admirers like JD Vance and Barron Trump. They’re in talks with MechaHitler to direct.
Meanwhile, the Dotard ordered MAGA trigger warnings installed at the Smithsonian, which feels appropriately petulant for a guy who failed to glue his own name to another dude’s memorial.
Nice to see the regime back down from their latest spasmodic assault on the First Amendment without too much fuss. They probably needed the lawyers to prosecute state-level election officials or something.
Like, this thing where they confessed they’ve been illegally withholding federal funding from states that didn’t vote for him? That’s gonna take some lawyerin’. Plus, at a certain point, I imagine Venezuela might like to have some of their oil money back.
Congressional Republicans uncovered a dastardly, Soros-funded plot to defraud the Olive Garden of potentially dozens of dollars’ worth of pasta by providing fake IDs to Somali fraudsters or pet-eating Haitians or whoever it is we’re demonizing this week.
Say, that Ken Paxton has turned out t’be quite the little scamperer, huh? One itty-bitty question about his lengthy history of committing voter fraud, and off he scuttles.
Mother Jones reports MAGA Congressman Max Miller is something of a serial abuser of women and children. Good thing he represents a nice, safe district, huh?
According to the Wall Street Journal, the youths are “Nixonmaxxing” these days. Better not try that shit on my lawn. I’d go full McCloskey if I had any guns. I’ll pelt the little creeps with the contents of what I assure you is an ill-maintained fruit drawer, that’s for sure.
All in all, kind of a quiet week. Or what passes for one in kakistofascism’s shit-flooded zone, I suppose.
Still, I could use a drink. Or, now that you mention it, a clone of myself to harvest organs from. So if you enjoy these little rants, feel free to donate to my beer-and-clone fund via Cash App, PayPal, or even Venmo. Join my email list! Follow @john_luzar! And pretty please with livestock dewormer on top…STAY SAFE OUT THERE…
In conclusion, ANSWER YOUR @#%!ing Kickstarter surveys! I’m about to sell you a NEW comic book, so I need to ship you the last one!
“The country is not going to embarrass itself, you know” : priceless!
Does a nation that reelects Donald Trump deserve to shit itself to death? 😆
Perhaps Cap, perhaps.
You know, it amazes me that the erudite and sophisticated political, economic and social commentary that you provide each week is ignored by so many of your compatriots. They seem not only willing, but positively begging to be shafted and tariffed into dogmeat while the rest of the world sits beyond gobsmacked at the behaviour of your moronic, trouser-soiling rapist-in-chief.
It is suggested that even if with or no doubt without healthcare or a primary care physician and/or adequate insurance send Infinitely Explosive Diarrhea (IED) samples to Road Kill Jr. and the TACO Kid for testing in the part of the White House still standing. Soon it’s going to hit the fan. Thanks, Cap!
Everyone who has ever supported hair furor deserves to shit themselves to death. The majority of us, the ones who have never supported the rapist/fraudster/money launderer/murderer don’t.
l myself am a fan of a good hubristic downfall; the repurposed WH correspondent’s dinner where no one got shot at from another floor was apparently another massive Trump fail so maybe it ticks another box on DC’s ongoing slide down a greased chute. Cheers, Cap. 🍻
Thank you, Cap. This is your best essay yet!
thank you, cap… sane humor in an insane world
Another classic, Cap! My Mondays start better after reading your productions (which I get on Sunday here in Oz).
Next step forecast: casualties in drumpf’s War To Boost His Ego will not be counted if they occur on a weekend. After all, wars always stop for weekends, doncha know.