Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ruminations on Orrin’s Last Wad
Things get quiet when the Velveeta Urinal Cake goes on vacation, don’t they?
…a little TOO quiet, if you ask m- (JUMP SCARE as Sean Spicer leaps from bushes, cradling a contraband mini-fridge!)
Yes, things may seem, at first glance, a little calmer than usual, but if you poke around the edges, you’ll find that…shit remains…cray.
I mean, Mummified Salem Witch Trials Judge Orrin Hatch is stumbling around talking about the Shooting of Wads, for chrissakes! Let’s check in with the madness, campers…
Arizona Senator Jeff Flake is out on a book tour, lamenting the descent of the Republican Party into a bunch of demented, dishonest, spineless, cowards like…Jeff Flake! Yeah the dude who votes for everything Dummp wants is working on a rebrand where he’s not just a craven servant to a historically shameful regime, but a craven servant to a historically shameful regime who periodically says “tsk tsk.” Good luck in the midterms, Jeff.
Oh, and Team Shart apparently wants to do away with an Obama-era rule that allows nursing home residents to sue for neglect and abuse. That’s really happening. In real life. The President of the United States doesn’t want your grandma to have legal rights if she’s abused by the people she pays to take care of her.
Like, Lex Luthor is over in the corner, looking at this shit, going “Whoa. DICK MOVE, GUYS.” How can these shitbags get any more villainous? Mandatory head lice in public schools? Maybe just Stephen Miller eating puppies for twenty minutes every press briefing?
I’m starting to think this Trump fellow isn’t very nice.
Anyway. Norman Lear let everybody know that he’ll be skipping the Shart House reception after the Kennedy Center Awards (where he’s being honored this year), because he possesses basic human decency and why would anyone want to lend their light to a dirtbag like Il Douche?
Alan Dershowitz popped up over the weekend to talk about what a raw deal Bashful Bob Mueller’s giving the Tangelo Tumor in impanelling his Grand Funk Juryailroad in Washington D.C., where so many people are liberal and, coughcoughBlack.
I don’t think you need to worry, Al. After all, I keep hearing about how totally and completely not-even-a-wee-bit-racist Drumpkins is, right? Why, it only took a few weeks worth of media pressure to get him to denounce David Duke that one time! C’mon, be fair! There’re only like, half a dozen or so white nationalists in high-level executive branch positions! HOW CAN YOU SUGGEST THAT AN ETHNICALLY DIVERSE GRAND JURY WOULD BE UNFAIR TO HIM?
Anyhow, D.C. is where the laws’re being broken, so D.C.’s where the impanellin’ is done. Them’s the rules. Sorry we couldn’t do it at a Ted Nugent concert, chumps.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel launched a counteroffensive on Jeff Sessions’ War to Reclaim America For Shitty White People, suing over Ol’ Beauregard’s attempt to strip “sanctuary cities” of federal funding. Personally, I think Rahm and Beau should settle this thing INSIDE A STEEL CAGE, but I suppose the courts will do.
Oh, and I guess Number Two got caught playing the Game of Thrones, eh? The Failing New York Times dropped a bomb over the weekend about how Lil’ Man Pence is sneaking around behind Boss Shart’s back, courtin’ donors for when the Esident-pray gets im-eached-pay.
Pence issued a suitably obsequious denial, saying “No, no, I was just hanging out with all those billionaires to talk about how normal your hands are, and how much legislation you’ve signed, and how much Salma Hayek wants to date you,” but you know Shartboy’s huddling with Bannon to see about replacing his Veep with Scott Baio.
Hey, we should congratulate Overgroomed Spokesdemon Kayleigh McEnany for suddenly getting All the Jobs! Yes, Kayleigh left her post lying to America on CNN to lie more directly to America on a new, not-at-all-V-for-Vendetta-esque SharTV media outlet! Plus, she’s now the official Spokesmonster for the whole dang RNC! Shit, she’ll probably be the next Homeland Security Secretary!
In more serious news, Resistors…I’m worried. I’m worried that Dorito Mussolini may have finally figured out how to turn things around, and get America to love him in spite of his many, many (MANY) flaws.
Yes, even with the plummeting approval ratings, the broken promises, the non-existent manufacturing and mining jobs, the sexual assault accusations, the lack of legislative accomplishments, the humiliating health care defeat, the understaffed government, the brazen fraud, the shameless grifting, the embarrassingly-too-long-neckties, the failures upon failures upon failures, he’s finally struck the mother lode.
You see, he’s tweeting insults at Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal. All fucking day long.
And as any fool can tell you, dislike of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal registers as THE leading issue with American voters of every creed and color. From the most venerable matriarch to the freshest newborn babe, it is the burning hatred of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal that unites us. It is an issue more potent than national security or jobs or even ethics in gaming journalism. More than apple pie, the Stars n’ Stripes, or Stone Cold Steve Austin knockin’ back beers on the top turnbuckle…shitting on Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal is WHAT MAKES US FUCKING AMERICAN.
Seriously though, I love me some Blumenthal. That Vietnam thing wasn’t cool, but watching the five-time draft-dodger point that (unusually tiny) finger is fucking hilarious.
The Rat-Feces-Infested Circus Peanut further ragetweeted that the mainstream media didn’t pay attention to the UN Security Council passing new sanctions on North Korea…at the precise moment Jake Tapper was covering the story on CNN. It’s sort of sad, really.
It’s difficult not to mention that our tough-on-terror President has plenty of time to throw poo at a Senator he doesn’t like, but has not one fucking word to say about the actual terrorist attack that took place on American soil. Because…well, because he’s the moral equivalent of truck stop toilet clogged with an adult diaper.
After months of insulting and alienating our oldest and most loyal allies, Team Shart sent the Inspector Clouseau of Statecraft, Rex Tillerson, to the Philippines to make nice with Rodrigo Duterte, a petty thug who literally brags about committing murder. No doubt future generations will re-enact the American Secretary of State kissing a murderous autocrat’s ass in 4th of July pageants for centuries to come.
The unrelenting taint jackhammer that is Polling continues the ritual bludgeoning of the Presidential grundle. You KNOW shit’s bad when even Kellyanne can’t spin it.
CNN released a particularly brutal poll this evening. Approval’s down, disapproval’s up, “strong approval” has dwindled to basically just creepy old guys who watch high school volleyball games and Bill O’Reilly’s imaginary friend. Nobody likes him, nobody trusts him, everybody’s embarrassed by him…no wonder Pence is walking around with his hat out.
See? Slow news day. Barely worth mentioning. Anyway, I’m late for a tea party with a talking bunny. Thanks for reading, and never ever forget…VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!