Ruminations on Orrin’s Last Wad

Things get quiet when the Velveeta Urinal Cake goes on vacation, don’t they?

…a little TOO quiet, if you ask m- (JUMP SCARE as Sean Spicer leaps from bushes, cradling a contraband mini-fridge!)

Yes, things may seem, at first glance, a little calmer than usual, but if you poke around the edges, you’ll find that…shit remains…cray.

I mean, Mummified Salem Witch Trials Judge Orrin Hatch is stumbling around talking about the Shooting of Wads, for chrissakes! Let’s check in with the madness, campers…

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake is out on a book tour, lamenting the descent of the Republican Party into a bunch of demented, dishonest, spineless, cowards like…Jeff Flake! Yeah the dude who votes for everything Dummp wants is working on a rebrand where he’s not just a craven servant to a historically shameful regime, but a craven servant to a historically shameful regime who periodically says “tsk tsk.” Good luck in the midterms, Jeff.

Oh, and Team Shart apparently wants to do away with an Obama-era rule that allows nursing home residents to sue for neglect and abuse. That’s really happening. In real life. The President of the United States doesn’t want your grandma to have legal rights if she’s abused by the people she pays to take care of her.

Like, Lex Luthor is over in the corner, looking at this shit, going “Whoa. DICK MOVE, GUYS.” How can these shitbags get any more villainous? Mandatory head lice in public schools? Maybe just Stephen Miller eating puppies for twenty minutes every press briefing?

I’m starting to think this Trump fellow isn’t very nice.

Anyway. Norman Lear let everybody know that he’ll be skipping the Shart House reception after the Kennedy Center Awards (where he’s being honored this year), because he possesses basic human decency and why would anyone want to lend their light to a dirtbag like Il Douche?

Alan Dershowitz popped up over the weekend to talk about what a raw deal Bashful Bob Mueller’s giving the Tangelo Tumor in impanelling his Grand Funk Juryailroad in Washington D.C., where so many people are liberal and, coughcoughBlack.

I don’t think you need to worry, Al. After all, I keep hearing about how totally and completely not-even-a-wee-bit-racist Drumpkins is, right? Why, it only took a few weeks worth of media pressure to get him to denounce David Duke that one time! C’mon, be fair! There’re only like, half a dozen or so white nationalists in high-level executive branch positions! HOW CAN YOU SUGGEST THAT AN ETHNICALLY DIVERSE GRAND JURY WOULD BE UNFAIR TO HIM?

Anyhow, D.C. is where the laws’re being broken, so D.C.’s where the impanellin’ is done. Them’s the rules. Sorry we couldn’t do it at a Ted Nugent concert, chumps.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel launched a counteroffensive on Jeff Sessions’ War to Reclaim America For Shitty White People, suing over Ol’ Beauregard’s attempt to strip “sanctuary cities” of federal funding. Personally, I think Rahm and Beau should settle this thing INSIDE A STEEL CAGE, but I suppose the courts will do.

Oh, and I guess Number Two got caught playing the Game of Thrones, eh? The Failing New York Times dropped a bomb over the weekend about how Lil’ Man Pence is sneaking around behind Boss Shart’s back, courtin’ donors for when the Esident-pray gets im-eached-pay.

Pence issued a suitably obsequious denial, saying “No, no, I was just hanging out with all those billionaires to talk about how normal your hands are, and how much legislation you’ve signed, and how much Salma Hayek wants to date you,” but you know Shartboy’s huddling with Bannon to see about replacing his Veep with Scott Baio.

Hey, we should congratulate Overgroomed Spokesdemon Kayleigh McEnany for suddenly getting All the Jobs! Yes, Kayleigh left her post lying to America on CNN to lie more directly to America on a new, not-at-all-V-for-Vendetta-esque SharTV media outlet! Plus, she’s now the official Spokesmonster for the whole dang RNC! Shit, she’ll probably be the next Homeland Security Secretary!

In more serious news, Resistors…I’m worried. I’m worried that Dorito Mussolini may have finally figured out how to turn things around, and get America to love him in spite of his many, many (MANY) flaws.

Yes, even with the plummeting approval ratings, the broken promises, the non-existent manufacturing and mining jobs, the sexual assault accusations, the lack of legislative accomplishments, the humiliating health care defeat, the understaffed government, the brazen fraud, the shameless grifting, the embarrassingly-too-long-neckties, the failures upon failures upon failures, he’s finally struck the mother lode.

You see, he’s tweeting insults at Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal. All fucking day long.

And as any fool can tell you, dislike of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal registers as THE leading issue with American voters of every creed and color. From the most venerable matriarch to the freshest newborn babe, it is the burning hatred of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal that unites us. It is an issue more potent than national security or jobs or even ethics in gaming journalism. More than apple pie, the Stars n’ Stripes, or Stone Cold Steve Austin knockin’ back beers on the top turnbuckle…shitting on Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal is WHAT MAKES US FUCKING AMERICAN.

Seriously though, I love me some Blumenthal. That Vietnam thing wasn’t cool, but watching the five-time draft-dodger point that (unusually tiny) finger is fucking hilarious.

The Rat-Feces-Infested Circus Peanut further ragetweeted that the mainstream media didn’t pay attention to the UN Security Council passing new sanctions on North Korea…at the precise moment Jake Tapper was covering the story on CNN. It’s sort of sad, really.

It’s difficult not to mention that our tough-on-terror President has plenty of time to throw poo at a Senator he doesn’t like, but has not one fucking word to say about the actual terrorist attack that took place on American soil. Because…well, because he’s the moral equivalent of truck stop toilet clogged with an adult diaper.

After months of insulting and alienating our oldest and most loyal allies, Team Shart sent the Inspector Clouseau of Statecraft, Rex Tillerson, to the Philippines to make nice with Rodrigo Duterte, a petty thug who literally brags about committing murder. No doubt future generations will re-enact the American Secretary of State kissing a murderous autocrat’s ass in 4th of July pageants for centuries to come.

The unrelenting taint jackhammer that is Polling continues the ritual bludgeoning of the Presidential grundle. You KNOW shit’s bad when even Kellyanne can’t spin it.

CNN released a particularly brutal poll this evening. Approval’s down, disapproval’s up, “strong approval” has dwindled to basically just creepy old guys who watch high school volleyball games and Bill O’Reilly’s imaginary friend. Nobody likes him, nobody trusts him, everybody’s embarrassed by him…no wonder Pence is walking around with his hat out.

See? Slow news day. Barely worth mentioning. Anyway, I’m late for a tea party with a talking bunny. Thanks for reading, and never ever forget…VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!