Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
LIKE AND SHARE, ‘ERE WE DIE IN THE ATOMIC FIRE!
I tell ya what, maybe I’ve been blowing things out of proportion these last few weeks. Yeah, stuff really seems to have settled down, maybe all this worry has been for no-
Oh, hang on. I’m behind on my cell phone bill, my data got cut off. Lemme pay that off real quick, see if I missed anything…
Oh. So we’re having a 21st century nuclear standoff, where the fate of all life on Earth hangs on the whims of two buffoons with the personalities of Kids Who Don’t Make it to the Second Reel of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
(I thought it was weird everybody was still talking about nothing but Twin Peaks on Wednesday.)
Well shit, y’all. Let’s make ourselves a little time capsule, so that when aliens land, centuries from now, their archaeologists understand the petty shit we were bickering over in the hours before we were all annihilated by toddlers.
So, Mike Pence keeps hiring heavy-hitter GOP campaign operatives, for reasons that are TOTALLY NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AFTER YOU GET THROWN IN JAIL FOREVER, DONALD, HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT, WE HAZED THE CABINET TOGETHER, DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE MADE WILBUR ROSS EAT THE SOGGY CRACKER? WE ARE A BAND OF BROTHERS!
The Shart House has been under fire for its silence regarding the terrorist attack on a suburban Minneapolis mosque, but don’t worry, they finally sent the Nordic God of Bedside Manner, “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka, out to smooth shit over for the cameras.
Seb’s volcanic take was “Ve do not know iff zis vas an actual act uf terrorism, or if it vas a valse vlag operation, designed by tricksy liberals to make real Amerikans belieff in racism, vich iz fake.”
Lemme remind errybody real quick that Seb Gorka is a LEGIT NAZI. A year ago, it would have been a front page scandal if an American President had a fucking PHONE CALL with this fascist shitstack, and now he’s being trotted out to say that Maybe These Muslims Bombed Their Own Temple to Make White Folks Look Bad.
Fuck it. LAUNCH THE FUCKING MISSILES, KIM!
See that thing in Vice? That thing where SHARTUS gets a folder, twice daily, full of favorable press coverage and flattering photographs and the little poems Stephen Miller writes on scented paper?
Yeah, taxpayers are paying some kid to sit in some supply closet at the Pentagon, using photoshop to shrink the President’s ass in golf photos so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum and send armed drones to the districts that voted for Hillary.
…that kid’s actually got the most important job on the planet, doesn’t she?
Oh fuck, what’s THIS shit? Erik Prince, the Blackwater douche, has a plan to PRIVATIZE THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN!
Oddly enough, Erik’s plan amounts to “Write Erik Prince a giant fucking check and turn him loose!” Steve Bannon, who made a documentary about how rad Sarah Palin is, and Jared Kushner, who wrecked a newspaper his daddy bought for him, think this plan is the bee’s fuckin’ knees, so the President is probably figuring out if he can set up a side grift hooking Prince’s boys up with Trump-branded helmets and k-rations.
Oh, and Jeff Sessions keeps instigating Justice Department heel turns, this time switching sides in an Ohio voting rights case. Y’see, Ohio, everybody’s favorite swing state with a Republican Secretary of State, wants to purge voters from the rolls if they’ve missed an election or two. That a ridiculously unpopular president, smuggled into the White House thanks to an obscene trick of the Electoral College after finishing in second place in a low-turnout election, will shortly be facing an electorate freshly invigorated by an infusion of Spicy-Hot Resistance is, I’m told, just another of those zany, zany coincidences.
Meanwhile Paul Manafort found out exactly what Robert Mueller would do for a Klondike bar…apparently sending the FBI out on a pre-dawn, no-knock raid to one of his residences!
Yep, a couple weeks back, the FBI got a warrant (which means they had to demonstrate they had a good damn reason for the raid), knocked on Paulie Ukraine’s BEDROOM DOOR, and turned the place upside down looking for tax docs and foreign banking records.
My sources tell me that Manafort, while generally pleased that the FBI didn’t seem to notice his pirated bluray disc of THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE, is still more or less shitting his pants from dawn till dusk these days.
Weirdly, all those frothing-mad tweets the Marmalade Shartcannon sent out a lil’ while ago? The ones where he shit directly down Jeff Sessions’ throat for recusing himself from the Russia investigation? Yeah, those happened a couple hours after the Manafort raid.
Anyhow, I’m sure the Manafort hit piece your boy published in the National Enquirer will get the fuzz off your tail, Donnie.
Hey, speaking of Mueller, it seems the Candycorn Skidmark has been sending him friendly little messages of greetings and gratitude! How neighborly!
It’s so fucking funny watching this blundering doofus futilely try to work the refs. He’s out merrily golfing in Bedminster thinking, “I may’ve committed Honey Bunches of Treason, but that tray of brownies I sent to the guy investigating me will clear the whole thing up!” EVERYBODY FUCKING LOVES IVANKA’S BROWNIES.
Senator Ron Johnson, weighing in on the recent (ginormous) failure of the GOP Health Care bill, posited that perhaps John McCain’s brain tumor was a factor in his surprise, bill-killing vote, because it was past his old man bedtime, and he probably thought they were asking him if he wanted to watch one more Murder, She Wrote, but it was one he’d already seen, so he gave the thumbs down. Because Ron Johnson was carved from a block of PURE CLASS.
So let’s talk about NORTH KOREA.
Ah yes. Northernmost of the Koreas.
Our Idiot Manchild President decided it’d be a good idea to keep antagonizing this oddly-overarmed third world shithole, because people who aren’t potential trophy wives don’t register as “human” in his pea-sized brain.
He spouted some tough-guy talk about “Fire and fury” or “Ripping out their eyes and skull-fucking them in front of their wives” or some shit, with his arms tightly folded around himself, in the universally-recognized I’m-talking-out-of-my-ass-while-simultaneously-shitting-myself-that’s-kind-of-a-neat-trick-yeah? gesture. Truly, he is Eisenhower reborn.
That literally happened while I was shitting. I pop into a Panda Express restroom, I do my thing, I wipe, I come out, and I guess the President has threatened a nuclear first strike on a country that might react god knows how, because it’s governed by a Looney Tunes Dodo WHO HAS THE FUCKING BOMB, YOU NUMBNUTS!!!
First thing Dorito Mussolini did this morning was brag about all the badass modernization of the nuclear arsenal he’s done since he took over! Now, the truth is, he hasn’t done jack shit, but that won’t stop the posturing, of course. Who knows, maybe he gave a top secret order, and now all the warheads have little tiny sawblades attached to them that spin really fast and fuck up anybody who gets too close to the bombs before they liquify every ounce of organic matter for miles in every direction.
Decals. That’s probably it. He had them slap lighting bolt decals on the nukes, BAM, MODERNIZED.
Some creep called Robert Jeffress, who I guess is some kind of hate rally warm-up act/mega-church pastor, is making the rounds screeching about how he ate some Little Debbie cakes four years after their expiration date, and then he saw God, and God told him that he sent the Man With Phalangeal Stunting to this World of Sin in order to cleanse North Korea from the face of the earth in holy fire or some psychotic apocalyptic shit or other.
Now, I don’t keep up with the evangelical movement, and while I’m enjoying the way they’ve permanently ceded the moral high ground in propping up such a pathetically obvious charlatan as Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “I Steal From Charity to Buy Paintings of Myself JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ JESUS“), but for real folks…it takes about 8 seconds worth of video to figure our this Jeffress tool is full of shit up to his eyeballs. Y’all really are nothing but rubes, aren’tcha?
Basically, everybody in the cabinet is saying something different. Rex Tillerson‘s all “Shucks, he didn’t mean it, he’s just a big dumb galoot” and Mad Dog Mattis is trying to posture while simultaneously walking back the red line before the ghost of Peter Sellers decides he’s heard his cue and it’s time to take the reins. Somewhere, Ben Carson is doubtlessly suggesting North Korea use their missiles to store grain.
And now you’ve got North Korean generals talking about how the Shart is “bereft of reason” and what he says is “a load of nonsense,” and you’re all, “I KNOW, RIGHT, pull up a fucking bar stool, you military dictator you, I’ll tell YOU about “bereft of reason,” shit, did you see the rally where went off on the mosquito that was buzzing around him?”
In the background, H.R. McMaster’s busy working up a powerpoint that says people on Guam really love buying Trump Steaks so the President doesn’t decide that letting them take the hit is worth bumping his approvals to the low forties.
All I know is, if Kim Jong-un suggests Drumpfy isn’t really a billionaire, we’re all gonna fuckin’ die.
Anyway, we still don’t have an ambassador to South Korea, but hell, what’s the worst that could happen?
Oh, right. Nuclear holocaust.
Anyway, what else is going on?
Shiny New Chief of Staff John Kelly has had some impressive success in bringing military discipline to the Shart House…but he went a bridge too far when he tried to reign in the Circuit Peanut Manbaby’s precious Twitter account!
“NO! I’m the President, and you won’t let me start any wars or launch any nukes or grab any pussies SO I’M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE AWAY MY TWITTER!!!” the most powerful man in the world raged, before wearing himself out and falling asleep on the floor of Kellyanne Conway‘s office. “He’s colicky today,” General Kelly said, wearily, carefully setting the nuclear football on the other side of the room so as not to wake the President.
And don’t forget, coming soon to a drive-in near you: Gamera, Jr versus Shartzilla! In the Battle for Blame! Nuclear-fueled egos wrapped in cheap rubber monster costumes, pathetically flailing at each other through the media! IN REAL 3-D!
Yep, I guess Yertle was calling out Donnie for having “unreasonable expectations,” like that Young Mitch had any idea how to pass legislation (spoilers: nah) or that’s it’s possible to spend thirty minutes talking about health care with Rand Paul without wanting to pass a bill that just strips health care from Rand Paul under all circumstances until the end of time.
Team Shart shot back, riding McConnell’s withered reptilian ass for failing to deliver on a 7-year promise to provide thousands of fresh souls to his Vengeful Tortoise God, because nobody’s bothered to tell him that his inevitable impeachment trial will take place in the United States Senate.
Sean Hannity, whose ongoing meltdown is the best thing on tv, reacted with predictable restraint.
On the lighter side, somebody inflated a giant balloon chicken with Drumpf-like hair by the White House tonight.
I can handle all of this insanity, I really can. But then I found out that we had a chance to throw Jill Stein in jail today, and it slipped through our fingers?
Glen Campbell got out while the gettin’ was good, I tell ya.