If I had to choose just one favorite part of life under a strongman, it would definitely be the strength. I can’t wait till they clear all that woke shit out of the Smithsonian so there’s room for this catering cart. It should be an interactive exhibit where you crawl inside and cower and pick which members of your family have to go on the decoy plane.

Sorry, Dad. Shouldn’ta made me eat my peas.

In the interest of fairness and balance, I think it’s important to highlight the moments, however rare, when the regime gets something right. And Mr. President, leaving Stephen Miller on the decoy plane was inspired. I say this with tears in my eyes, sir: Stephen Miller might be the greatest decoy anybody has ever seen.

I’m not a general or anything (heaven knows I couldn’t handle the pushups!), but I bet when you’re bogged down in a Middle Eastern quagmire, all sorts of situations must come up where it would be super handy to have something (or someone!) to draw the enemy’s fire, and I just want to make sure we’re maximizing your talent for human resources. Sir.

I think even the brownshirtiest masked secret policeman would admit ICE has a few problems to sort out, but surely nothing that $20 million worth of electro-shock gloves can’t fix.

Reminds me of an old joke: How many taser-fisted thugs does it take to disrupt a midterm election? Sounds far-fetched, sure, but “stranger things have happened” than a cornered autocrat declaring a national security emergency to stave off an electoral butt-whoopin’, right?

Fortunately, we needn’t worry about the fiscal consequences of outfitting Off-Brand Orbán’s personal army with supervillain tech, because we’re saving a bunch of money by not feeding the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln.

We’re so lucky to have a Secretary of War who understands that if you pump ‘em full of enough testosterone, warfighters don’t need food at all. You can lock ‘em up on a boat in the middle of the ocean and forget about ‘em. For nine months. Sure, every now and then a guy’s gonna snap and try to fling himself into the sea, but ya gotta cull the sissies.

Personally, I find it shameful that the lamestream media mocked Hegseth for helpfully modeling grooming techniques deployed sailors can apply utilizing only their own self-manufactured bodily fluids.

Why, it’s only a matter of time before the Strait of Hormuz is declared a territory of the United States! Achieving this new war goal will be at least as easy as obliterating Iran’s nuclear program and changing the regime, so you may want to think about investing in a new pair of victory parade boots.

And sure, our stockpiles (not just missiles but drones now) have fallen to the point where I half expect the Bundy ranch to attempt secession, but that actually fits rather snugly with the president’s new “de-modernization” policy, wherein we abandon the cutting-edge for the obsolete.

“Trump orders Navy to use ‘outdated’ steam catapult”

Of course he did. No doubt Junior or Eric lost a few rounds of Uno to a steam catapult magnate in some riverboat casino.

Although it could just be spite. You see stuff like “Trump cancels Biden-era bid to speed power line construction” and “Treasury Scales Back Scrutiny of U.S. Shell Companies”; at a certain point it starts to feel like revenge on the world for outliving him.

Because it’s getting harder and harder to stay awake through all those boring-ass meetings, and it looks like his body is rejecting the hair transplant from Lindsay Graham’s corpse. Ah well. How dangerous can a dying narcissist be, really?

While funding cuts have undermined progress in many sciences, American teams still achieve thrilling breakthroughs in the field of stoogery with some regularity. One crack squadron of invertebrates actually dreamed up some bullshit workaround to keep their rapist dork boss’ name on the side of the fucking Kennedy Center, for example.

Breathtaking. I didn’t know my species was capable of such obsequiousness. Like the moon landing of self-degradation. Voting to add “Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump” to that building is so subhumanizingly embarrassing I assume one instantly devolves upon the casting.

“Say, didn’t you have opposable thumbs the last time I saw you?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of a funny story…”

Karoline Leavitt will depart the administration at the end of the month, presumably to open a chain of puppy mills. A reality show competition to crown the Next Mouth of American Fascism will launch right after the federal government gets a handle on that whole Reflecting Pool thing, so I wouldn’t hold my breath.

They’re still trying to pin it on that Hearn fella, of course. That poor guy stumbled right into a Hitchcock movie, didn’t he? You wake up one day and the whole goddamn government is trying to throw you in jail so the president doesn’t have to admit he actually sucks at the only fucking thing he’s supposed to do well. And it might be worth it if Eva Marie Saint showed up, but otherwise, it looks like a pain in the ass.

I see Max Miller decided to not only stick around, but bring colleagues in competitive races down with him, which I enthusiastically support. New York Congressman Mike Lawler acquitted himself so poorly in an interview discussing his refusal to return Miller’s campaign donations that he triggered a fresh new wave of interest in his creepy, cringey obsession with Michael Jackson.

Yeah, I think the midterms’ll turn out pretty well, barring the violent intervention of an unaccountable paramilitary force with taser hands. People’re upset. About the gas prices and the foodborne illnesses and the illicit cattle roaming to and fro.

Normally there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching the dastardly Deep State steal an election from a real American patriot, but I sincerely believe the spectacle of one single Klobuchar/Lindell debate could’ve healed the world.

Until that blessed day, at least we have the Pen Ad to tide us over. I know Ken Paxton is a slug who leaves a trail of opposition research behind him wherever he goes, but how is it possible that there’s actual security footage of him stealing some dude’s pen?

Okay, I’m gonna go pour one out for that lost debate. Why, if you enjoyed this post, you could buy me that very beer via Cash App, Venmo, or PayPal! Otherwise, join my email list and follow my Xwitter account, because it’s almost time for another COMIC BOOK KICKSTARTER!

Stay safe out there, old chum…