I’ve been a Democrat my whole dang life, but now that Jon Ossoff has single-handedly unleashed the Pandora’s Box of INCIVILITY upon our unsoiled political discourse…I just don’t know. I’m still fairly certain fascism is bad, but surely we can fight it without casting aspersions on President Rapist’s creepy stepford handmaid.

He just wants to travel with Natalie, you guys.

I myself almost never leave home without my psychotically devoted disciple who will travel in the trunk of a car to be near me. I mean, how’re you supposed to get through your day without your higher purpose bride?

Holy crap, this story. I think Natalie accidentally won naming rights to the Streisand Effect.

You’re idly doomscrolling. Oh, is it Ossof’s turn in the Two Minutes Hate? Good for him. Gosh, it sounds like he really stepped outside the bounds of polite society, no easy task in a nation governed by a fellow who periodically depicts himself dumping thousands of tons of shit on the public.

Hang on, they’re really circling the wagons around this person. Natalie, Natalie…why does that sound so familiar?

Oh, the human printer? Wait, why is every Scott Jennings-level telestooge indignantly defending the honor of the human freaking printer all of a sudden?

Because she’s a deteriorating narcissist’s final fraying tether to reality, you say? Wait, not the deteriorating narcissist with the nuclear codes, surely?

…well, drat. Y’know what? Let’s hear a little more about Natalie, actually.

Apparently foreign leaders text her when they can’t reach the Dotard directly. What an interesting fact.

‘Allo Natalie! Zis is Macron again! Remind ze big guy what we agreed about not invading ze Greenland! Merci!

Wait…is Natalie one of the most important people in the world? And she refused to submit to a background check for more than a year, you say? Another interesting fact! Plus her brother is a Sandinista? This isn’t news; this is Mad Libs.

We should be fine so long as she hasn’t subsumed her entire sense of self into serving a personal messiah. Well, we better take a look at these letters, just in case…

…I see. That is unfortunate.

In other news, we’re switching sides in the Korean War. Still technically ongoing, y’know. His life is 95% redecorating, peppered with sporadic assaults on the global order.

Normally you hate to see the Supreme Court give any ground to the regime, but allowing the ballroom to proceed feels like sound strategy. Harm reduction, y’know? I think we want to maximize the amount of time he spends looking at swatches.

Find him some sandbox to mash about in, gurgling I’M VERY GOOD AT FLAGPOLES! I doubt it, but I bet you’re less bad at flagpoles than you are at war or economics or running casinos or closing umbrellas or…look, let’s focus on flagpoles is all I’m saying.

Because we’ve arrived at the “blueberries may kill you” phase of American greatness. I really thought we had that one licked. Sure, we managed to un-eradicate measles, but I just assumed the wily blueberry had been definitively domesticated at some point in our agrarian past.

Oh, also, there might be a teeeeeeensy bit of glass in your popsicles now. Turns out you can dismantle a substantial chunk of a nation’s food safety apparatus if you’re dumb and crazy enough. Remember, what’s left of RFK Jr.’s brain are the bits the cranial parasite didn’t want.

Yes, under our decomposing kakistocracy, we’re hurtling backwards as if fired by an obsolete steam catapult installed at the behest of a mad king. Perhaps that Odyssey movie was such a big hit because we subconsciously understood we’ll need to remember how to make bronze soon.

Turns out the ol’ approval rating takes a hit when the blueberries turn deadly. Suddenly even Republican primary voters are rejecting his skeevier henchmen. Gosh, I imagine Cory Mills’ long-term plans relied heavily on the impunity of office.

Secretary of Pushups and Warfighting Pete Hegseth lacks the self-control to travel without a chaperone, which is an awfully comforting thought. So if his wife gets caught up in a hot streak on Candy Crush and Pete wanders off to crack open a bottle of cotton candy vodka in the middle of a Walmart, he might do even dumber shit than Signalgate and the Iran war? What, was Lindsay Lohan unavailable for this gig?

You watch, though; Byron Donalds and Dug Bugman are gonna get emotional support blondes of their own, just like when they all started wearing too-long red neckties.

WHERE’S THE BEEF…FROM? Your government won’t tell you, but that other story about slaughtering wild horses is probably a coincidence. Yes, to the chagrin of American ranchers, tariffs have been suspended on Cow From Someplace. It’s probably fine, at least by the reigning “blueberries may be fatal” standards.

As expected, shiny new Attorney General Todd Blanche pointedly refused to pledge independence from his autocratically inclined boss, but I suppose it’s healthy that we’re still askin’.  He’s already going after Kilmar Abrego Garcia again. The human smuggling charges were obviously bullshit, but apparently there’s video of him carving a 350-yard gash in the Reflecting Pool.

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy released a long-delayed YouTube show starring Sean Duffy, which probably isn’t the sort of thing government officials devote time and resources to in countries where you can eat the fucking blueberries.

DeSantistan Republican Mike Caruso appears to have wandered perilously close to a life story arc worthy of an EC horror comic. On page one, a zealous state congressman with a dark secret votes to enact a law allowing the death penalty for the unforgivable crime he commits on page three. Even the Crypt Keeper looks away in disgust.

Ok, that’s enough for now. Please enjoy the weekend’s festivities, which apparently include a bumper car race between the president and Jeffrey Epstein. Remember, if you encounter any blueberries, DO NOT APPROACH; contact the nearest ICE agent and tell them the blueberry is a nurse exercising their First Amendment rights.

You’ll agree it’s unreasonable to ask me to face this sober, so here’s the part where I invite you to toss a buck or two into my beer fund via Cash App, Venmo, or even PayPal. Of course, seeing new sign-ups on my email list and new followers @john_luzar releases equally pleasing chemicals in my battered brain, so that’s another option. NEW COMIC COMING SOON! ANSWER YOUR SURVEYS! STAY SAFE OUT THERE!

PS: That is so how French people text.