
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Say, Why Not Have One Really FRIENDLY Day Instead?
At the rate we’re normalizing this shit, within five years we’ll be lamenting the commercialization of the official Day of Violence. Your kids’ll come home from school hopped up on sugar from the candy in the lynched Pence piñata, and the whole family’ll gather in the living room, to sip mulled horse dewormer while rewatching all those corny Lifetime specials, where the disillusioned big city girl returns to her hometown and reunites with the (Proud) boy next door to burn down all the ethnic restaurants on Main Street.
Aw, who’re we to begrudge our proto-fascist brothers and sisters their “one really violent day,” anyhow? One day of dictatorship, one Kristallnacht, bomb threats and half price appetizers during happy hour every other Tuesday, surely that’s fair.
Yeah, shit’s getting downright freaky, here in the closing weeks of the 2024 campaign. In Off-Brand Orbán’s defense, his assessment, that driving millions of brainwashed voters insane with fear and hate represents his best chance of avoiding prison time, is probably accurate.
Faraway caravans are so 2018, now migrants are about to “walk into your kitchen and cut your throat.” Memories of playground nicknames like Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe seem almost whimsical as he snarls that his opponent is “mentally impaired,” in between rants about waterless restrooms and former hetero life mate Kim Jong-un’s plot to assassinate him.
In such context, Jack Smith’s new filing probably hit the Children of the Candy Corn as welcome confirmation of their Turd Emperor’s willingness to actually commit the crimes most wannabe autocrats only fantasize about.
I suppose the biggest takeaway from the filing was that one insurrectionist shitbag’s “make them riot” line, shocking evidence that the massive conspiracy that lost more than 50 court cases actually accomplished one of its goals.
Anyway, I understand why the Dotard’s wranglers pulled him out of that 60 Minutes interview; aside from their entirely reasonable fear of granting the electorate a second side-by-side comparison with Vice President Harris, he’s certainly colicky enough these days to issue orders more specific than “stand back and stand by.”
Not that his stochastic murder mob really needs concrete direction. Let’s round up a few headlines from our exceptionally healthy democracy, shall we? I don’t really know how to make jokes about this shit, so maybe just imagine Stephen Miller taking a pie to the face after each one:
An Ohio Businessman Faces Death Threats for Praising His Haitian Workers
As election threats rise, Justice Dept. says its options are limited
Philly-Area Republican Couple Threatened After Filming Kamala Harris Ad
…yeah, I dunno, I think they’re gonna have trouble squeezing everything into just one day. (Did the pie thing help? No? Well, I tried.)
Oh, I almost forgot to mention it, but in a second Trump term, in addition to the menstrual surveillance and legal retaliation targeting political opponents, there will be no overtime. Populism sure is wacky.
Well, JD Vance poured himself into his very best skin suit, lewdly cooed “I’d fuck me” to his reflection, and ventured out to play Normal Human Boy for the duration of the vice presidential debate. And y’know what? Since the moderators never asked him to order donuts, he almost pulled it off, but for the stuck hog squeal he emitted upon having one of his racist lies fact-checked.
JD needs his lies like he needs Peter Thiel’s money. Ol’ Timmy Walz really flummoxed him with that exchange on the 2020 election, too. “C’mon, you gotta let me have the BIG lie, that’s Unca Donnie’s favorite!”
In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Helene, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris rowed from house to house, looting Real Americans’ homes of belovéd family heirlooms to ship to Ukraine and/or undocumented immigrants. FEMA spokesman Notseth Rich proclaimed the disaster “the most successful test to date” of the Deep State’s weather modification technology, though they’re optimistic that as soon as 2035, they’ll be able to target Republican voters in their beds, while leaving neighboring drag queen story hours unscathed.
…that’s what I read online, anyway. One wonders, with our misinformation-mangled media ecosystem, which will have further reach: Trump’s malicious lies about the current administration’s response, or the firsthand witness accounts of his own politicization of disaster relief? Guess we’ll find out November 5th.
Either way, somebody should ask Marjorie Taylor Greene if there’s anything those Jewish space lasers can’t do? Wildfires, hurricanes, no doubt they make julienne fries.
Apparently Melania tried to charge CNN a quarter of a million dollars for an interview, no doubt buoyed by her recent success in extorting similar sums from the Log Cabin Republicans, and while I admire the confidence, you’re probably only gonna see numbers like that from groups fearing imprisonment in camps in the Reich to come.
Amazingly, that merits mere runner-up status to this week’s champion grifter: Oklahoma Schools Superintendent Ryan Walters, who hatched a dorky little plot to steer his nowhere-near-constitutional order for 55,000 Bibles for use in public schools to his favorite celebrity rapist. He’s not gonna fuck you, Ryan.
I see Tom Cotton hasn’t allowed the calamitous unpopularity of the idea to dampen his dream of gutting Obamacare. I’m guessing injuries sustained at the hands of law enforcement while exercising what you quaintly believe to be your “free speech rights” will not be covered under whatever Tom and his fashy friends deign to leave us with, so this feels like a good spot to link to the Tester, Allred, and Mucarsel-Powell fundraising sites.
God will have his vengeance for separating Tina Peters from her precious “magnetic mattress” for the next nine years…according to Tina Peters. Not sure if the abovementioned deity was consulted in Peters’ plot to hack state election systems on behalf of a treasonously deranged bedding merchant, but best brace for a plague of unusually unintelligent locusts, just in case.
Impending Klobuchar belt notch Royce White apparently believes “the bad guys won in WWII,” so I guess Black Nazis are a bonafide thing, who knew?
Tennessee Congresscreep Tim Burchett called George Soros “a money changer of the worst kind,” which I think means he’s extra Jewish.
Somehow, despite the normally foolproof strategy of betting everything on white supremacists and the inherent coolness of the letter “x,” Elon Musk has managed to piss, fritter, and donkey punch away nearly 80% of Twitter’s value. That said, industry insiders expect the “free blue checkmark with every cross burning” promotion slated for Black Friday weekend to turn the beleaguered social media platform’s fortunes around.
In contrast, the Biden/Harris Administration remains the same job-creatin’, strike-avertin’, disaster-relievin’ machine it’s always been, but polls say Americans narrowly prefer the rapist who told us to drink bleach to steward the economy. You see why I drink.
Longtime readers no doubt recognize the transition to the traditional Rattling of the Tip Jar, styled as a “beer fund” as part of my adorable Drunken Scamp in a Bathrobe and Luchador Mask persona, “Shower Cap.” Now accepting Cash App, Venmo, and even PayPal.
Or, for the low, low cost of absolutely nothing, you can share this post on social media, join the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar on what’s left of Twitter. Whatever you do, or don’t do, stay safe out there, my friend…
Ignore the polls. A lot of them are bogus and are being constructed by Republicans to show Rump ahead in order to demoralize Democrats. The enthusiasm is REAL, the donations are REAL, the hard work is REAL. I think we’re going to elect her, but we also need to ensure we give her Congress as well. Maybe give yourself another break from the craziness and concentrate on the brewskis for a while. As the election gets closer, the ugliness, lying, and insanity is going to grow exponentially. Take care of yourself and work on that beer! 😀
And it’s gonna get crazier…Thanks, Cap!
The Stephen Miller pie in the face was priceless, as was the entire post culminating in ‘”you see why l drink.” I do, and same here. 🍺
Me too.
“Wildfires, hurricanes, no doubt they make julienne fries.”…in minutes. AND makes a great Xmas gift. I admit it. I am RONCO old.
That first paragraph was a gem to cherish. Too true and too funny the way only Shower Cap can twist things. Thanks, as always, for another laugh on a Saturday morning.
I’m really not sure what I’d do without your weekly tomes. All week, listening to the Orange Asswipe and his minions spew ever more wacky out of touch lies, is truly taking a toll on my mental health, to say nothing of my liver!
And then have formerly upstanding news outlets like the NYT and WaPo “sane-wash” the fuckers is really starting to impact my mental health. My only relief comes on Saturday morning when I open my email and find your luchador mask on my screen. I can’t thank you enough, and I know I speak for the cogent thinking masses as well.
Molly McNearney Kimmel spoke for all of us when she declared about the Sludge Goblin, “So, my advice to you is to shut up and go away. Go away!”
Whether it’s to serve as national jury and vote him Guilty on November 5 or just to make him go away, VOTE Blue all the way.
Our collective livers, sanity, and souls thank you.
Shower Cap ((((((((((())))))))))) I love you. This one was hysterical. It’s just getting too crazy out there with the conspiracies and lies and death threats…*sigh* I need a nap!
JD Vance or is his name Vem Miller? Who can say. But JD commits a historical crime with historical lies! Yes he does fabricate history and not just against women. The historical Columbus was a talented navigator whose talents went to murder, torture and slavery of the people discovered in the new world. This was in the name and support of Christianity which like the European Kings also profited greatly from the oppression and the gold.
“’Indigenous Peoples’ Day’ is a fake holiday created to sow division. Of course Joe Biden is the first president to pay it any attention.”
Actually, this new world had been “discovered” many times before by other Europeans. Chris the Conqueror thought he discovered India (and named the people Indians). The “daring and ingenuity” was done for personal profit and converting the natives to their Christian God, by force. JD celebrates greed and violence.
“A half a millennium ago Columbus used technology developed in Europe to sail across a giant ocean and discover a new continent. Today we celebrate that daring and ingenuity. Happy Columbus Day!”