
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The Further Adventures of the Flatulent Rapist and His Loser Death Cult
So I see the Dunning-Krugerest fellow to e’er walk the Earth has decided to refer to his opponent, who dog-walked him so brutally in their one face-to-face encounter that he now curls up in the fetal position, sucking that runty little thumb of his, at the mere mention of the word debate…as a “dummy.”
In a just world, when a blithering doofus who comprehends how neither tariffs nor umbrellas work, who spent years (YEARS) bragging about passing a cognitive test, impugns anyone else’s intelligence, the ghost of Alex Trebeck would appear, to, at the very least, fart directly into his mouth.
Speaking of imbecility and passing gas, the Dotard used a speech in Detroit as an opportunity to shit on Detroit, and possibly in his pants as well. Pretty consistent with the trajectory he’s been on since that trial he sleep-farted through; you remember the one, where he got convicted on all 34 felony charges?
Shucks, he’s deteriorated to the point where even the New York Times has taken notice. Better late than never, since the all but visibly decomposing old fop can no longer navigate a podcast interview without the hosts laughing directly in his face at his decline. Since his Art of the Deal ghost writer says, “It’s long been deeply unsettling to me how many behaviors associated with psychopathy Mr. Trump exemplifies.” Since former Joint Chiefs Chairman Mark Milley calls him “the most dangerous person to this country,” and “a fascist to the core.”
Since he’s apparently remained in regular phone contact with freakin’ Putin. “Hey, Vlad, I was just dropping a line to see how your genocidal war of conquest was going. Still bogged down, huh? Well, if you can hack up some new emails for me, maybe I can do something about that! I, um, guess your get well soon card from the last assassination attempt got lost in the mail like the first one, huh?”
Anyhoo, maybe we can reassign some of the reporters from the summer’s 24/7 Joe Biden Stammer Police beat to figure out precisely what the fuck “Biden circles” are? To ask him, once and for all, just who he imagines “the late, great Hannibal Lecter” is or was?
Though his handlers have prudently kept him away from military cemeteries of late, Off-Brand Orbán still manages to squeeze an impressive amount of desecration into his schedule, defiling a Purple Heart here, a Jewish prayer book there, grinning like a brain-damaged hyena while holding a photograph of a hostage kidnapped by Hamas…projectile indecency is simply second nature to him.
Now, personally, I wouldn’t go around ranting about “bad genes” were the fruit of my loins as staggeringly subpar as Junior n’ Eric, but of course there’s a reason 21st century America’s white supremacists spend their lives snugly cocooned within a disinformation-saturated alternate reality.
…which, and I’m addressing this to the alien anthropologists excavating the blasted remains of our dumbfuck civilization in the surely-not-too-distant future, is how we wound up with a culture that responds to natural disasters by threatening scientists’ lives.
Yeah, meteorologists are receiving death threats now, that’s normal and healthy, right? Might wanna ask the doc about that at our next checkup. Oh, the doctor fled the country after her office was deluged with bomb threats, you say? Reasonable.
The real shame of this, the what-the-fuckest hurricane season since the Dark Ages at least, is so much of the carnage could’ve been avoided. Kamala was totally prepared to turn the weather machine down, if not all the way off, but Ron DeSantis refused to take her call, because he was too busy threatening criminal charges against television stations that air abortion rights ads.
So now the FEMA battalions march through Real America, confiscating Trumpy Trouts from those sheeple too timid to heed Laura Loomer’s call for noncompliance. And we never would’ve learned any of this if Elon Musk hadn’t overpaid for one of the world’s largest social media platforms.
I see Elon’s decided to put in a bid for the most bribable man alive, suppressing stories on Xwitter at the campaign’s request, offering exorbitant, probably illegal wages to swing state canvassers, perhaps even going a-door-knockin’ himself. Of course, should the nation actually fall to this grotesque supervillain team-up, of the guy who bankrupted casinos and the guy who lost more money than anyone in human history, by summer 2025, you’ll find America up on cinder blocks outside a meth lab.
While Musk no doubt amasses a bonesaw dismemberment list in anticipation of having his very own pet president to puppet, he’s gonna have to get in line, and the queue for state-sponsored vengeance gets longer every day: Milley, Romney, Deloitte, (the whole company is to be punished because one employee leaked those messages where JD Vance accidentally told the truth about his future running mate) CBS, (for that 60 Minutes interview Littlefinger was too chickenshit to do) plus whoever blew up Mr. McMahon on Monday Night Raw all those years ago.
Turns out Trump Bibles are produced in China, presumably in a sweatshop down the street from the one that manufactures those bright red baseball caps we use to identify our idiots. I’m assuming “made in America” didn’t make it onto that carefully crafted, grifter-friendly checklist Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction Ryan Walters concocted for his little unconstitutional shopping spree.
So, on the Sunday shoz and elsewhere, a number of prominent Republicans, including Senator Tom Cotton, and the Speaker of the Whole Dang House of Representatives, were unable to answer a question any third grader could: who won the 2020 election?
So I’m thinking it’s time to lower the bar. Forget about policy, we need to know which of our elected representatives believe the Earth is flat. Is the moon made of green cheese? In the case of a “legitimate” rape, does the female body indeed possess ways of shutting “that whole thing” down? (Boy, Akin wouldn’t even merit an above-the-fold headline in 2024, would he?) Do you believe the government controls the weather via space lasers, be they Jewish-owned or communal?
Apparently we need to ask these questions of the GOP’s nominee for Vice President of the United States. C’mon JD, what other objective truths do you deny? You probably think Shane lives at the end, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
Viewers who normally tune in to Jesse Watters’ show for the sneering misogyny and wingnut propaganda got a special treat this week, in the form of dating advice, from the least impressive white supremacist this side of Nick Fuentes.
I guess my worry is that when I’m in the gulag, getting waterboarded, with my testicles hooked up to a car battery, I still won’t be able to force myself to refer to Stephen Miller as a “sexual matador,” no matter how much I may want the pain to stop. Anyway, once you appear on national television with spray-on hair, you forever lose all rights to refer to anyone else as “beta,” that’s on the tablets Moses hauled down from the mountaintop.
Okay, that’s more than enough of that. I do believe I shall now drink until the neural pathway within my poor, beleaguered brain, between “Stephen Miller” and “sexual matador” is bludgeoned to atoms. I shall no doubt require fiscal assistance in this noble quest for sweet obliteration, so feel free to drop a few bucks in the ol’ tip jar, (now accepting, you guessed it, PayPal, Cash App, AND Venmo) because I actually think about matadors quite a bit, thanks to that one Bugs Bunny short.
Or you can share this post on social media, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar over at the Bad Place, for free! Stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
Dam, SC, you scamp. You keep outdoing yourself. BTW my offer of marriage years ago still stands!! Love ya, my friend.
Mice.
Never stop your writting! I look foward to reading it!I love the way yu take that GOP POS apart!!
That Nazi Stephen Miller and sexual matador should never even be in the same sentence, unless the words in between are: is definitely not a…
So this is what post-civilization looks like…thank you, Cap
Alex Trebeck as justice farter🤣 well done
No, no, no. He doesn’t need a fart in the mouth, he needs a punch in the mouth. If someone had punched him in the mouth years ago it would have saved us a lot of trouble. He’s the world’s biggest pussy, and not the kind he likes to grab.
Thank goodness you ended with the hilarious Bugs Bunny clip, as a palate cleanser from the truly rancid mound of maga-shit that is the remains of the Death Cult, formerly known as Republican Party. It is going to feel SO GOOD to vote them into oblivion.
Thank you, Cap, for another magnificent chapter.
Great blog, Cap. Thanks as always. As far as sexual matadors go, IMO real matadors are arrogant, sadistic little men engaging in an activity that should have been banned a long time ago, preferably before it started. In other words, not a compliment in my book.
What in shades of bull shite is a “sexual matador”? I think of matadors as trying to stay away from, say, bulls, so are sexual matadors trying to stay away from…all things sexual? Doesn’t seem like something ol’ Miller would wanna cop tp, but then, that’s just me.
In Portugal, iirc, the bull “fights” there are kind of like the Running Of The Bulls, only instead of through the streets, it’s around and around in a ring, where the human tries to get a token or trophy or something (flower crown?) from the bull’s head or neck, and the bull tries to run him out of the ring (into the stands, out the door, whatever). But everyone (usually, unless the human is really stupid or clumsy) lives at the end of it, and the witnesses are more than likely to try to buy the bull a drink afterwards, rather than serve it up as a pot roast or something. They consider their “challenges” (vs. “fights”) to be way more civilized than what their Spanish next-door neighbors do.
Still doesn’t sound like something associated with Stephen Miller: halfway decent, non-anti-social behavior. ;->