Before we get started tonight, I want to do something a little different. This blog can come off a little bit Anti-Trump, but I want everybody to know that I am both fair AND balanced, and I am fully capable of giving credit where credit is due.

So a big fat fucking congratulations to President Shitgeyser on the official 1,000th Lie of His Presidency! Hell, I bet his real name isn’t even Donald.

Where did we leave off last night…the Afghanistan speech? That was just a day ago? ONE DAY? Fuck me.

Well, Steve Bannon seems real bitter that Dorito Mussolini jumped into bed with the Generals so soon after their break-up last week, as evidenced by Breitbart taking a big fat dump on SCROTUS’ Afghanistan War flip-flop.

I know it hurts, Steve. They haven’t even gotten the smell of cheap vodka barf out of the carpet in your old office, and he’s already giving lap dances to the globalist cucks, and you’re wondering if he ever really loved you.

No one could love you, Bannon. Fuckin’ just look at you.

Anyhow, what’ll really burn Donnie’s wide orange ass is learning that Barry O’s Afghan Quagmire Ramp-Up Speech got MUCH higher ratings. That’s right, you can’t even escalate an unpopular war correctly, You Shart, You.

Word is, H.R. McMaster manipulated Little Donnie Smallhands into sending more American kids to die in the Graveyard of Empires by showing him a decades-old photograph of Afghan girls in mini-skirts. So yeah, our Idiot Manchild President is surrounded by military men who understand exactly how to manipulate him. SLEEP TIGHT.

Let’s just say I’m keeping my eye on any sudden raises in the age of draftability.

Speaker Ryan, having been cucked out of his prime time CNN spot, was further cucked by the Nun who asked him “Why’re you so shitty to poor folks, son? Don’tchoo know God’s gonna give you a wedgie for all eternity?”

Ryan clenched his teeth for a moment, briefly contemplating expressing his fantasy vision wherein the Slovenly Takers of the Catholic Sisterhood would be sent to work in the mines for the benefit of the Most Holy Capitalist Class, before belching up some nonsense about upward mobility or something, who gives a fuck?

(A musical theatre extravaganza based on Ryan’s life, titled “Cucked by a Nun,” featuring songs by a libertarian Bruce Springsteen cover band, is currently in pre-production.)

Word is the Shart of the Deal, having grown tired of winning humiliating defeat, is attempting to lure Democrats into financing his Shitty, Unpopular, Border Wall by dangling the fates of the DREAMers as bait.

He really doesn’t understand how comically, historically unpopular and ineffective he is, does he? It’s like he’s trying to bluff while holding his cards backwards, where everyone can see them. You’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t such an enormous, bleeding, butthole.

Oh, and wasn’t that shit with Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag’s failed starlet spouse just a goddamn delight? Surely, nothing screams “Populism” like a plutocrat’s trophy wife, derisively mocking the poors as she pisses their taxpayer money away jetting around the country, boasting about a frivolous, vanity wardrobe that costs enough to pay off the average American’s mortgage, and put their kids through college.

Mikey Hairshirt weighed in on the Confederate monuments controversy, declaring himself to be generally in favor of MORE monuments rather than less. “Shit, let’s build some statues to Beetlejuice, or Jesse from Full House! Maybe a big bronze sculpture of Tom Cruise in TROPIC THUNDER, who I am not all sexually attracted to,” Pence declared, before excusing himself to the nearest restroom to violently masturbate for half an hour or so.

Pence also used the term “some contemporary political cause” to describe the decades-old movement to remove monuments honoring Treasonous Loser Racist Shitbags like Robert E. Lee, because treating African-Americans like equal citizens who maybe don’t deserve to walk around amongst crappy, mass-produced statues lionizing those who fought a whole fucking war to preserve the right to own them like property is basically a fad that may or may not outlast the fidget spinner.

Tucker Carlson praised the Man With Phalangeal Stunting for directly staring into the eclipse like a fucking moron, calling it “the most impressive thing any President has ever done,” because you have to really dig for bright spots when your boy is incapable of passing legislation, I guess.

Seriously though…Taft Putting on Pants is more “impressive” than this carbuncled dumbass burning out his retinas.

Politico tells us that Democrats have begun doing 2020 opposition research on a number of Republicans, ranging from Mike Pence to John Kasich to That One Muppet That’s a Blue Eagle or Some Shit, cuz there’s no fuckin’ way Littlefinger lasts four whole years.

And a bunch of pro-Shart rallies got cancelled, and that’s totally because of the marauding bands of machete-wielding Antifa cyborgs, and not at all because nobody wanted to show up, DO YE DOUBT MY HONOR AS A CHARTER MEMBER OF THE CHUBBY YOUNG KLANSMEN OF AMURICA (glove slap)?

Christopher Steele has reportedly informed the FBI of the sources he used to compile his famous dossier. No word on whether or not the individual piss hookers have been identified at this point, but the noose is a-tightenin’, Shart-Shart.

Oh and what’s this now? The Failing New York Times sez that Papa Tortoise and Mama Poostick are FIGHTING. Drumpfy and Mitch McConnell haven’t spoken in weeks, and they’re going after each other on Twitter and in private speeches, and Ron Johnson’s crying “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART” in the corner.

Will this Clowncar of Rectums be able to cut rich white dudes’ taxes? Tune in next week, same Shart time, same Shart channel.

So Bannon’s mad at Drumpf, Drumpf’s mad at McConnell, McConnell’s mad at Drumpf, it’s gettin’ like a Tennessee Williams play up in here. I shall call it…”Shart on a Hot Tin Roof.”

And of course Il Douche gathered a pathetically tiny crowd of the saddest, oldest, angriest white rubes in Phoenix for a little ego boost. He raged and bitched and moaned for a bit, delighted to find the last room full of idiots who still believe he’s doing his job well.

He demagogued for a bit, and raged at the media to the cheers of a handful of the shittiest people Arizona could dig up. I bet it made him feel good. Now he has to go back to the reality of Washington, D.C., where he’s accomplished less than if a six-week-old copy of Penthouse Magazine were President.

Hope you enjoyed yourself tonight, Shart-O. Tonight was your safe space.

Anyhow, as y’all can objectively observe…shit be cray.