Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Starving Babies is the Pro-Life Position, You See
They were right, it truly is a mad, mad, mad, mad world; just not in a way that’s any fucking fun at all. Slap that title on a horror film? Yeah, that’s where we live. Not gonna sugarcoat this, friends, this one’s real, real gross.
Before we dig in, big, fat congrats to America on that one millionth official Covid death, though if we’re honest, we padded the numbers with a petulance-based mass suicide movement. We’re the laughingstock of the afterlife, you know that, right?
Let it be hereby proclaimed: whereas Donald Trump before him was known, within the confines of this (silly) blog, as the “Shart of the Deal,” henceforth Vladimir Putin shall be referred to, periodically at least, as the “Shart of War.” Why it took me two and half months to notice this low-hangingest of fruits is a matter for me to sort out with my fifth grade English teacher.
I’m sorry, Mrs. Putin, I’m sure your boy has other talents, but I don’t think war is a good fit. Next invasion, he should probably spend less time drafting his How I Conquered Ukraine While Shirtless and on Horseback speech, and more inspecting his army to make sure it, you know…works.
Coulda headed off a whole buncha trouble, right there. “Hey Sergey, before we launch this war of aggression, I just wanna check in real quick…does the army work?” “What do you mean, mein Führer?” “Like, can it do army stuff? Winning battles, running supply lines, that sort of thing?” “Ah. I understand now. No, mein Führer.” “Well, shit.”
Yeah, that probably wasn’t the “Victory Day” speech Vladkins had planned, (runnin’ out of jet fuel, kid?) back when he was fapping to fantasies of confetti and collaboration. You know you’ve got a completely unspinnable turd on your hands when a dude who runs a whole-ass police state treads so lightly. On the bright side, Genocidal Fuckups Day is looking like an easy layup.
Aw, cheer up, Poots, at least your boys’re getting better at retreating. But do go on about all the objectives your Special Military Operation™️ keeps meeting. It’s all very convincing, and I’m sure your big, scawy thweats will keep Sweden and Finland from joining NATO, on account of how backupable they are.
In the relatively short history of superpowers, I feel like they don’t, generally speaking, tend to leave a lot of “tank graveyards” behind in the wake of humiliating retreats, but I’m certainly no expert. I’m speaking specifically of the tank graveyard that has become a tourist attraction in the country you thought you could conquer in a week. Oh, and the war crimes trials are already starting, that happens to superpowers all the time. Threaten away, though.
Rand Paul, having really settled into the “bloviating self-parody” phase of his career, single-handedly held up the latest round of bipartisan Ukraine aide, which won’t derail the bill, only delay it. You know, the sort of petty shit Rand pulls all the time, the way Susan Collins asserts her mewling, futile concern. SO WEIRD that Ron Paul’s kid has a pathological craving for attention-seeking misbehavior, innit?
I can’t be the only one who pictures salivating cartoon hyenas when I read about all the rights America’s power-drunk white resentment cult is already targeting, now that the illegitimate theocrat SCOTUS majority has shown its hand on Roe v. Wade, can I?
Tate Reeves, who, as Governor of Mississippi, somehow led a state in the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history to a third-world Covid death rate, practically wet himself on Jake Tapper, at the mere suggestion of banning contraception, like some tenth-rate Taliban warlord. Not even warlord. Does the Taliban have, like, shift managers?
And then there’s Stew “Best Buds with the Lt. Governor of Idaho” Peters, who doesn’t seem to feel the need to be quite so subtle about the world the American Right hopes to build.
Y’know, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he might’ve stopped himself from comparing women to reptiles on the Senate floor, but then, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he wouldn’t be a Republican Senator, now would he?
So, it would appear the fearsome might of the U.S. presidency resided, for four goddamn years, with a fellow who believed China was shooting us with…lord, I’m embarrassed just typing it…with a hurricane gun.
He would be the dumbest person on any playground in America, and they’ve made him their king, and their God.
Incidentally, seems the hurricane gun guy wanted to court-martial a few retired generals, for the high crime of daring to criticize the Most Holy and Smart Acer of the Cognitive Test, Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for, “Did I mention the HURRICANE GUN?”
He also proposed closing every single U.S. embassy on the African continent, but I’m sure if you just pass one more critical race theory ban, no one will notice how racist your white nationalist hate cult is.
…and this is the Party of Lincoln’s mighty kingmaker.
At least the good people of Nebraska will be spared the gropey governorship of Chuck Herbster. But in West Virginia, Team Treason picked up a W, after successfully hanging a vote for the bipartisan infrastructure bill around the incumbent’s neck, because only cucks want bridges that don’t collapse. My compliments to the disinformation chef; you’ve managed to make these rubes despise their own roads…once you break a human mind, the sky truly is the limit, isn’t it?
Didja see that thing in the Washington Post, that laid out everything we know to date about Mark Meadows’ treacherous conduct during the Stoopid Coo? I remember each individual scandal, from months of steadily-trickling headlines, but when compiled like this, the shit reads like the plot synopsis of some sordid, straight-to-video, Tom-Clancy-meets-Joe-Eszterhas boondoggle. Which is essentially what it was.
First off, he and his shitbag wife pull their brazenly clumsy bit of voter fraud, and then from there, he spends two months careening through the federal government, swinging a ball peen hammer around his head, blindly hoping to smash enough shit to break American democracy forever. Which is not how I remember Leo McGarry behaving on the West Wing, frankly.
Many of Meadows’ skeeviest co-insurrectionists now face subpoenas from the House committee investigating January 6th, having obstinately refused to align themselves with the forces of decency and democracy in the struggle against hatred, violence, and authoritarianism. Cuz they’re the party of law n’ order, y’see.
A court in California overturned a law forbidding the sale of semiautomatic firearms to anyone under the age of 21, and there’s certainly nothing insane about a society that prioritizes the rights of mass shooters over the lives of their victims. Nosireebob. Rational decisions only, here in 21st century America.*
One America Nooz Network wants you to know that, unlike every other glob of septic waste they shovel into your brain, the stuff about 2020 election fraud is fake-ass news, and my GOD doesn’t it feel good, watching the Big Lie take such a stout legal spanking? Now, if we can just do something about all the Big Liars seeking control of the nation’s election infrastructure, we might just be able to hang onto our country.
Meanwhile, the Republican War on Disney For Not Hating Gay People Enough led a gang of swastika flag-waving asspimples to the Magic Kingdom, to screech about “grooming,” and, as you know, wherever American Nazis rear their subpar heads, Josh Hawley can’t be far behind….yeah, when Nazis and Senators are saying the same things, you KNOW you’re in a healthy democracy.
Like, lookit Dan Crenshaw and Marjorie Taylor Greene, clawing and puking and flinging poo at one another….there’s room for all kinds of maniacs under the GOP tent, with its profane, Lovecraftian angles.
But Madison Cawthorn and this Kathy Barnette person are TOO crazy, I guess; and yeah, I imagine the job of death cult gatekeeper has its challenges, but then, each passing day is a fresh, new opportunity to come to your fucking senses, and join us here on the side where insanity isn’t incentivized.
Republicans’re mad at Joe Biden for shining a spotlight on Rick Scott’s “abandoning serfdom was a mistake” economic plan, but not mad enough to actually present the public with alternative party platform, don’t be silly.
I guess there’s a new grand jury looking into that thing where the Deposed Dotard stuffed his pockets on the way out with as many classified documents as he could wrap those tiny, inadequate fingers around, that’s good. Say, we should get Trey Gowdy to head up an investigation into this poor, persecuted intel; he’s quite passionate about the issue, if I remember correctly.
So, Elon Musk spent $44 billion to buy his fascist loser buddy’s Twitter account back for him, because emotionally stunted man-babies of a feather stick together, I guess. Wonder what he’d have to pay to reinstall Steve Schmidt on Meghan McCain’s Xmas card list?
Or maybe the little freak isn’t buying Twitter after all. Either way, I mostly just resent this inescapable toddler for the space his misanthropic antics take up in our culture. Can’t you just build a lair somewhere, and lure spies into death traps?
If anybody out there is somehow still reading this diatribe, I regret to inform you that, despite the preceding tales of atrocity and abuse, we are only just now arriving at the bottom of this week’s barrel. If anybody needs a moment to like, clean the projectile vomit off the wall, now would be a good time to take care of that.
And let me start by saying that I legitimately do not blame Republicans for hitting Biden on the formula shortage; (though of course the administration is doing all it can) that’s Politics 101, and we’re all adults here.
…but to frame the issue as RACE TRAITOR BIDEN STARVES WHITE INFANTS TO FEED INVADING BORDER HORDE, as so many prominent Republicans have, just…like, are you proud of yourself for fueling hatred of brown babies?
And I understand that one of the primary appeals of your creepy, post-shame culture is that such buffoonish hypocrisy no longer bothers you, but this hideous lurch, from sanctimonious lectures about “life” directly to DESPISE THESE BABIES THEY WANT TO REPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU…it’s a little much, guys.
That said, I would like to respectfully resubmit my request that y’all cut it out with all this Nazi shit.
All I want to know about this supermassive black hole is, is it a place where no one is around to shriek about toy potato gender, or the sacred right to chug livestock dewormer, and if so, how the fuck do I get there? I will become an edgelord billionaire solely to build a rocket to take me to that place, if it exists, so help me God.
So, if you’ll excuse me, I need a sandpaper-and-bleach bath now. FUCK. I’ll see you next week; try not to hate any babies while I’m out.
*No, YOUR country’s right-wing extremists staged a terrorist assault on the seat of government! Shut up!
You are an extraordinarily brave man to lead us through that mucky week of hell we just had. Thanks Shower Cap, for giving us your hilarious summary!
Spectacular attempt to wake up the responsible (if there actually is any such group of reasonably rational people) Americans as to what is actually going on, and on, and on, in our country. As usual, you provided us a rare and informed glimpse of our country’s future may actually be, if we don’t get off our asses and vote like the future of our nation depends on us. . .
Please understand that I know you work hard to offer us this revelatory glimpse of what the fascists in our government want to do to us in the future, and do not envy you the necessity of the occasional lager-fueled blackout binges that steeping yourself in American politics will drive any ordinary saint to. As you keep reminding us that you’re not a saint, just angry and creative, I hold you in high regard, a position near to hilarious worship.
However (and you must have sensed something was coming) I believe you, and the rest of us who appreciate you, must up our game. The Repugnican grifters who want to destroy our country continue their crawl deeper into the sewers, both vocally, legislatively and judicially, so we have to get creative as well.
You have the talent to bear that luchador mask and patriotic bathrobe into the video media sphere, and show that asswipe Dinesh D’Souza, and his demented ilk, what a seriously despairing patriotic video looks like. You could show video clips of what our autogolpic legislators and ‘justices’ are saying, and describe in detail EXACTLY WHAT THEY MEAN for your viewing audience.
MeidasTouch and the Lincoln Project would weep with respect and shame that they can’t do better.
Not saying you have to do this, mind you–but we’d all support you if you did. I’m sure you could find volunteers to run the cameras, you don’t need makeup, it would be a breeze–
And you could breathe a cold wind from Hell on the ‘conservative’ politicians, including those squatting on the Supreme Court, in ways that would reach hundreds of millions around the world.
Anyway, just a random thought, brother. Sorry you can’t chug baby formula right now, but we’ll find out who contaminated the baby formula plant and spend a few years, hopefully, feeding them their own batch of baby nutrients. That ought to get the supply chain going again, and provide our researchers with top-notch data while they’re dying.
oops, got a little dark there–I keep hoping the horse dewormer thing will bring more people around to the rational side, and they keep finding newer and stupider ways to commit suicide instead. So my head is in a questionable space.
Have a good weekend, Cap, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. (hint–it’s an easy promise to keep)
That’s a very clever idea. Cap writes a script every week already. And it would be even more hilarious with actual news clips. We love you, Cap!
The blatant piece of Republican hypocrisy that has me seeing the most red is folks who call themselves “pro-life” with respect to a clump of cells in a woman’s uterus with the potential to become a person, yet do nothing to get guns out of the hands of people who kill so many fully formed, born and cherished children in their schools, playgrounds, shopping centers, etc. You’re not “pro-life”, hypocrites – you’re anti-woman!
Rant over, I love the fact that in the face of all the awfulness happening in our world right now, you make me laugh out loud at least twice per log entry. You go, Cap – be good to yourself, stay healthy, and keep on making us laugh at the insanity – it’s good for perspective in addition to brain chemistry.
Your usual upstanding weekly commentary, Cap…with a very, VERY small nit…you either need one more or one fewer drink…and I believe it is the former. Ukrainian AID, not “aide” — makes a world of difference no matter the context. And it must be the former, regarding the drink. You always provide the best, so you always deserve the best…one more it is! And thanks!
Thank you, I will indeed take a moment to clean the projectile vomit off the wall… Right after thanking you for another delightful interlude exploring Crazytown, aka the US under increasingly insane Republican influence.
Yes, this week was truly nauseating. Thankfully, your blog helps flush the nasty taste away and lifts us up. Your talents are truly appreciated. Stay safe and keep creating your own special brand of fierce and informative humor.
While giggling about “Stoopid Coo” I came to “autogolpic”. Well — my vocabulary skills are in the 99th percentile, but even I still had to look it up. Respect, man.
Maybe we should put the Shart of the Deal in a cage with the Shart of War, lock the door and let them duke it out? The winner could be the Shart of the Playground…. Hilarious as always Cap. Go have that beer!
Oh, no…no, no, no. I don’t want to see EITHER of them getting naked (sorry, Vlad; even the horse won’t bear you any more), and you know that’s exactly what would happen before too long… X-P
Thanks for the laughs all the while highlighting that we are truly going to hell in a hand basket. That’s talent!
Enjoyed the article. I have to add something that just was revealed in national news today. A delegation of four GOOPER Senators, including Moscow Mitch, showed up in Ukraine. I bet they all had to do a tap dance to explain why one of their owned fucked up Senators is fucking up passage of the legislation.
And just one more pair o’ pennies, Cap; yes, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy exists, as does one in every other spiral-shaped galaxy out there, undoubtedly; it’s why they’re spiral-shaped in the first place, like water going down a hole (but don’t panic, folks; as long as the rate of star production exceeds the rate of star consumption, we’ll be fine. Plus, there’s a couple of galactic collisions heading our way in the next few billion years, even before our own Sol goes red giant).
And the good news of it is, the closer you get to one of those in a starship, the faster you’ll be drawn toward it! 🙂