They were right, it truly is a mad, mad, mad, mad world; just not in a way that’s any fucking fun at all. Slap that title on a horror film? Yeah, that’s where we live. Not gonna sugarcoat this, friends, this one’s real, real gross.

Before we dig in, big, fat congrats to America on that one millionth official Covid death, though if we’re honest, we padded the numbers with a petulance-based mass suicide movement. We’re the laughingstock of the afterlife, you know that, right?

Let it be hereby proclaimed: whereas Donald Trump before him was known, within the confines of this (silly) blog, as the “Shart of the Deal,” henceforth Vladimir Putin shall be referred to, periodically at least, as the “Shart of War.” Why it took me two and half months to notice this low-hangingest of fruits is a matter for me to sort out with my fifth grade English teacher.

I’m sorry, Mrs. Putin, I’m sure your boy has other talents, but I don’t think war is a good fit. Next invasion, he should probably spend less time drafting his How I Conquered Ukraine While Shirtless and on Horseback speech, and more inspecting his army to make sure it, you know…works.

Coulda headed off a whole buncha trouble, right there. “Hey Sergey, before we launch this war of aggression, I just wanna check in real quick…does the army work?” “What do you mean, mein Führer?” “Like, can it do army stuff? Winning battles, running supply lines, that sort of thing?” “Ah. I understand now. No, mein Führer.” “Well, shit.”

Yeah, that probably wasn’t the “Victory Day” speech Vladkins had planned, (runnin’ out of jet fuel, kid?) back when he was fapping to fantasies of confetti and collaboration. You know you’ve got a completely unspinnable turd on your hands when a dude who runs a whole-ass police state treads so lightly. On the bright side, Genocidal Fuckups Day is looking like an easy layup.

Aw, cheer up, Poots, at least your boys’re getting better at retreating. But do go on about all the objectives your Special Military Operation™️ keeps meeting. It’s all very convincing, and I’m sure your big, scawy thweats will keep Sweden and Finland from joining NATO, on account of how backupable they are.

In the relatively short history of superpowers, I feel like they don’t, generally speaking, tend to leave a lot of “tank graveyards” behind in the wake of humiliating retreats, but I’m certainly no expert. I’m speaking specifically of the tank graveyard that has become a tourist attraction in the country you thought you could conquer in a week. Oh, and the war crimes trials are already starting, that happens to superpowers all the time. Threaten away, though.

Rand Paul, having really settled into the “bloviating self-parody” phase of his career, single-handedly held up the latest round of bipartisan Ukraine aide, which won’t derail the bill, only delay it. You know, the sort of petty shit Rand pulls all the time, the way Susan Collins asserts her mewling, futile concern. SO WEIRD that Ron Paul’s kid has a pathological craving for attention-seeking misbehavior, innit?

I can’t be the only one who pictures salivating cartoon hyenas when I read about all the rights America’s power-drunk white resentment cult is already targeting, now that the illegitimate theocrat SCOTUS majority has shown its hand on Roe v. Wade, can I?

Tate Reeves, who, as Governor of Mississippi, somehow led a state in the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history to a third-world Covid death rate, practically wet himself on Jake Tapper, at the mere suggestion of banning contraception, like some tenth-rate Taliban warlord. Not even warlord. Does the Taliban have, like, shift managers?

And then there’s Stew “Best Buds with the Lt. Governor of Idaho” Peters, who doesn’t seem to feel the need to be quite so subtle about the world the American Right hopes to build.

Y’know, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he might’ve stopped himself from comparing women to reptiles on the Senate floor, but then, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he wouldn’t be a Republican Senator, now would he?

So, it would appear the fearsome might of the U.S. presidency resided, for four goddamn years, with a fellow who believed China was shooting us with…lord, I’m embarrassed just typing it…with a hurricane gun.

He would be the dumbest person on any playground in America, and they’ve made him their king, and their God.

Incidentally, seems the hurricane gun guy wanted to court-martial a few retired generals, for the high crime of daring to criticize the Most Holy and Smart Acer of the Cognitive Test, Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for, “Did I mention the HURRICANE GUN?”

He also proposed closing every single U.S. embassy on the African continent, but I’m sure if you just pass one more critical race theory ban, no one will notice how racist your white nationalist hate cult is.

…and this is the Party of Lincoln’s mighty kingmaker.

At least the good people of Nebraska will be spared the gropey governorship of Chuck Herbster. But in West Virginia, Team Treason picked up a W, after successfully hanging a vote for the bipartisan infrastructure bill around the incumbent’s neck, because only cucks want bridges that don’t collapse. My compliments to the disinformation chef; you’ve managed to make these rubes despise their own roads…once you break a human mind, the sky truly is the limit, isn’t it?

Didja see that thing in the Washington Post, that laid out everything we know to date about Mark Meadows’ treacherous conduct during the Stoopid Coo? I remember each individual scandal, from months of steadily-trickling headlines, but when compiled like this, the shit reads like the plot synopsis of some sordid, straight-to-video, Tom-Clancy-meets-Joe-Eszterhas boondoggle. Which is essentially what it was.

First off, he and his shitbag wife pull their brazenly clumsy bit of voter fraud, and then from there, he spends two months careening through the federal government, swinging a ball peen hammer around his head, blindly hoping to smash enough shit to break American democracy forever. Which is not how I remember Leo McGarry behaving on the West Wing, frankly.

Many of Meadows’ skeeviest co-insurrectionists now face subpoenas from the House committee investigating January 6th, having obstinately refused to align themselves with the forces of decency and democracy in the struggle against hatred, violence, and authoritarianism. Cuz they’re the party of law n’ order, y’see.

A court in California overturned a law forbidding the sale of semiautomatic firearms to anyone under the age of 21, and there’s certainly nothing insane about a society that prioritizes the rights of mass shooters over the lives of their victims. Nosireebob. Rational decisions only, here in 21st century America.*

One America Nooz Network wants you to know that, unlike every other glob of septic waste they shovel into your brain, the stuff about 2020 election fraud is fake-ass news, and my GOD doesn’t it feel good, watching the Big Lie take such a stout legal spanking? Now, if we can just do something about all the Big Liars seeking control of the nation’s election infrastructure, we might just be able to hang onto our country.

Meanwhile, the Republican War on Disney For Not Hating Gay People Enough led a gang of swastika flag-waving asspimples to the Magic Kingdom, to screech about “grooming,” and, as you know, wherever American Nazis rear their subpar heads, Josh Hawley can’t be far behind….yeah, when Nazis and Senators are saying the same things, you KNOW you’re in a healthy democracy.

Like, lookit Dan Crenshaw and Marjorie Taylor Greene, clawing and puking and flinging poo at one another….there’s room for all kinds of maniacs under the GOP tent, with its profane, Lovecraftian angles.

But Madison Cawthorn and this Kathy Barnette person are TOO crazy, I guess; and yeah, I imagine the job of death cult gatekeeper has its challenges, but then, each passing day is a fresh, new opportunity to come to your fucking senses, and join us here on the side where insanity isn’t incentivized.

Republicans’re mad at Joe Biden for shining a spotlight on Rick Scott’s “abandoning serfdom was a mistake” economic plan, but not mad enough to actually present the public with alternative party platform, don’t be silly.

I guess there’s a new grand jury looking into that thing where the Deposed Dotard stuffed his pockets on the way out with as many classified documents as he could wrap those tiny, inadequate fingers around, that’s good. Say, we should get Trey Gowdy to head up an investigation into this poor, persecuted intel; he’s quite passionate about the issue, if I remember correctly.

So, Elon Musk spent $44 billion to buy his fascist loser buddy’s Twitter account back for him, because emotionally stunted man-babies of a feather stick together, I guess. Wonder what he’d have to pay to reinstall Steve Schmidt on Meghan McCain’s Xmas card list?

Or maybe the little freak isn’t buying Twitter after all. Either way, I mostly just resent this inescapable toddler for the space his misanthropic antics take up in our culture. Can’t you just build a lair somewhere, and lure spies into death traps?

If anybody out there is somehow still reading this diatribe, I regret to inform you that, despite the preceding tales of atrocity and abuse, we are only just now arriving at the bottom of this week’s barrel. If anybody needs a moment to like, clean the projectile vomit off the wall, now would be a good time to take care of that.

And let me start by saying that I legitimately do not blame Republicans for hitting Biden on the formula shortage; (though of course the administration is doing all it can) that’s Politics 101, and we’re all adults here.

…but to frame the issue as RACE TRAITOR BIDEN STARVES WHITE INFANTS TO FEED INVADING BORDER HORDE, as so many prominent Republicans have, just…like, are you proud of yourself for fueling hatred of brown babies?

And I understand that one of the primary appeals of your creepy, post-shame culture is that such buffoonish hypocrisy no longer bothers you, but this hideous lurch, from sanctimonious lectures about “life” directly to DESPISE THESE BABIES THEY WANT TO REPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU…it’s a little much, guys.

That said, I would like to respectfully resubmit my request that y’all cut it out with all this Nazi shit.

All I want to know about this supermassive black hole is, is it a place where no one is around to shriek about toy potato gender, or the sacred right to chug livestock dewormer, and if so, how the fuck do I get there? I will become an edgelord billionaire solely to build a rocket to take me to that place, if it exists, so help me God.   

So, if you’ll excuse me, I need a sandpaper-and-bleach bath now. FUCK. I’ll see you next week; try not to hate any babies while I’m out.

*No, YOUR country’s right-wing extremists staged a terrorist assault on the seat of government! Shut up!