I am ridiculously, insanely, unhealthily, eye-twitchingly thankful for this holiday-shortened week, and the proportionate reduction in wingnut fuckery it brought. Anyway, I’ve got a can-shaped, vodka-infused blob of cranberry sauce waiting for me, so let’s get through this shit as quickly as possible, okay?

Actually, things’ve been more or less normal in Amerikkka of late; Lauren Boebert is still, as Adam Kinzinger so astutely observes, racist trash, and John F. Kennedy Jr. remains snugly ensconced in the afterlife, despite the goalpost-shifting certainty of the dumbest motherfuckers alive.

Wet, sloppy congratulations go out to the United States of America, for joining the distressingly non-exclusive club of BACKSLIDING DEMOCRACIES! Sure, we’re losing rights and sacrificing prosperity, but just look at all the coronavirus deaths we got in exchange! Honestly, who even wants to be a shining city on a hill when you can be an overflowing golden toilet in an idiot game show host’s tacky-ass golf resort instead?

Further felicitations to Petulantly Unvaccinated Conservative ‘Murica on the shiny new Covid variant even now making its way to a Klan rally near you, and all the ensuing lib-owning/ICU-swamping/gramma-killing opportunities that lie ahead in 2022. Don’t worry though, if you just chant “let’s go Brandon” at Omicron, the virus’ll be so impressed, it’ll pass right over, promise.

Now that we’re well into holiday season, you may find yourself preoccupied with calorie counting and expanding waistlines and such…allow me to offer a solution. Not a particularly healthy or enjoyable one, but a solution nonetheless; there’s certainly no more effective purging inducer than Kyle Rittenhouse’s unseemly I Got Away With Murder (And So Can You!) media tour.

Can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to find Tucker Carlson twirling his shitty baton at the head of this malevolent parade; between the softball prime time interview and the surprise documentary crew, Fish Stix Hitler certainly pulled out all the stops in his scumfuck quest to canonize white supremacy’s celebrity child soldier as the patron saint of murder in the name of faux victimhood.

There, see? Now that Thanksgiving dinner is safely splattered all over the floor/your playfully tacky Xmas sweater, you can craft yourself a guilt-free sammich from any available leftovers before finishing this post…you may want to keep a bucket handy, though.

Naturally, young Kyle’s successful evasion of justice earned him an audience with Government Cheese Goebbels himself, and Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to give the little creep the Congressional Gold Medal, but hey, I’m sure it’s only the healthiest of democracies that feature so many prominent politicians and pundits openly glorifying the slaughter of political opponents…right?

Of course, J.D. Vance couldn’t allow boyish brownshirt Josh Mandel to outflank him from the right on the issue of Gunning Liberals Down in the Street, and while I was far from a Tim Ryan fan during the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, the Ohio GOP’s fashier-than-thou Senate contest has me appreciating Tim’s dreamy eyes, strong jawline, and super-sexxxy absence of authoritarian tendencies a little more every day.

Well, should you find yourself concerned/worried/petrified with terror at the implications of Ohio’s MAGA mud-wrestling spectacle, at least take some comfort that far-right Pennsylvania Senate candidate Sean Parnell dropped out of the race after losing custody of his children over allegations of violence, reducing the number of Ex-President-Taintfungus-endorsed domestic abusers seeking election to the upper chamber by one, though not, of course, to zero; this is the Republican Party, after all.

Oh, also, since this is Hell, now quack extraordinaire Dr. Oz wants the Pennsylvania Senate gig, no doubt sensing an opening in this batshit era when the fevered screechings of the anti-science death cultist hold so much sway. What, was the demon semen lady not available?

Well, the RNC is still paying the Deposed Dotard’s personal legal bills, and hey, if you sincerely believe that quivering submissiveness is a desirable leadership trait, you probably should vote Republican. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths, a crotch-stomped economy, and an increasingly violent authoritarian movement, dedicated to subverting, and eventually ending American democracy?

I see Aaron Rodgers, fresh off his “Too Dumb to Not Catch Covid” Covid diagnosis, publicly stated he had “Covid toe,” only to throw a sad, sorry, little shitfit when the Wall Street Journal reported he had Covid toe, demonstrating deft mastery of the whinging, victimhood-manufacturing histrionics that seem to be the sole reason any American conservative even bothers getting out of bed anymore. The Rodgers/Rittenhouse 2024 Wisconsin Senate primary is gonna be a show, folks.

While the shitstorm generally shows few signs of abating, this week actually offered plenty to be thankful for. No doubt a certain skeevy pair of democracy-assaulting, pro-Trump “attorneys” are walking funny tonight, after the $180,000 spanking administered by the very court they sought so cynically to abuse; but perhaps they’re counting their blessings, looking at the $25 million bill dropped in the How Exactly Did This Flock of Puckered Buttholes Ever Imagine They’d Be Difficult to Replace? Charlottesville rally organizers’ subpar white boy laps. I’m thankful for sweet, sweet CONSEQUENCES, is what I’m trying to say here.

You’re probably engorged with gratitude after that last paragraph, but tough shit, you’re going back for another helping, and you’re not excused from the table until you clean your plate, because the Biden/Harris/Pelosi/Schumer/You/Me/Every Dem Everywhere machine is firing on all cylinders, working out the kinks in the supply chain, even as new unemployment claims drop to a 52-year low, not too shabby, huh? And that’s with trillions of dollars worth of progressive goodness still yet to hit our weary, battered economy, mind you.

And hey, white supremacist vigilantism actually took an L in court this week, that was pleasantly non-appalling for a change, wasn’t it?

Quick confession: I am a willing, indeed joyous participant in the lamestream liberal media’s cover-up of the greatest political scandal of the 21st century: Kamala Harris spending some of her money on a pot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my Soros-funded private jet to my Soros-funded mansion in the Hamptons.

Before I sign off, forgive a little corniness on my part, as I express my gratitude for all y’all; strange as it may seem, drafting meandering, scatological rants on a regular basis has been nothing but beneficial to me…your kind feedback and support over the years have helped me overcome lifelong confidence issues, (my therapist thanks you) and enabled me to finally pursue my dream of writing comic books, so from the bottom of my drunken, masked-n-bathrobed heart…I thank you.

ON THAT NOTE, yeah, I’ve got a comic book Kickstarter that’s live for a couple more weeks, and we’re lagging a bit behind previous projects, so I’d be even more grateful if you’d check us out and consider making a pledge. (Make note of those upper rewards tiers, by the way; if you’ve ever wanted somebody to tell your Republican Congressjag what a turd-munching fuckhead he is, now’s your chance!) ODD YARNS is fun as hell, and I’d really love to share it with as many folks as possible.

Oh, and for backers of my previous comic, MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, the shipment has FINALLY been unloaded from the dang boat, so I should have it within the next couple of weeks, which means I can hopefully get your books mailed out relatively soon. I’m sending out updates through Kickstarter, so be on the lookout.

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Stay safe out there, see ya soon!