Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Sure, the Right is Deifying a Kid For Killing Two Human Beings…But Kamala Harris Bought a Pot
I am ridiculously, insanely, unhealthily, eye-twitchingly thankful for this holiday-shortened week, and the proportionate reduction in wingnut fuckery it brought. Anyway, I’ve got a can-shaped, vodka-infused blob of cranberry sauce waiting for me, so let’s get through this shit as quickly as possible, okay?
Actually, things’ve been more or less normal in Amerikkka of late; Lauren Boebert is still, as Adam Kinzinger so astutely observes, racist trash, and John F. Kennedy Jr. remains snugly ensconced in the afterlife, despite the goalpost-shifting certainty of the dumbest motherfuckers alive.
Wet, sloppy congratulations go out to the United States of America, for joining the distressingly non-exclusive club of BACKSLIDING DEMOCRACIES! Sure, we’re losing rights and sacrificing prosperity, but just look at all the coronavirus deaths we got in exchange! Honestly, who even wants to be a shining city on a hill when you can be an overflowing golden toilet in an idiot game show host’s tacky-ass golf resort instead?
Further felicitations to Petulantly Unvaccinated Conservative ‘Murica on the shiny new Covid variant even now making its way to a Klan rally near you, and all the ensuing lib-owning/ICU-swamping/gramma-killing opportunities that lie ahead in 2022. Don’t worry though, if you just chant “let’s go Brandon” at Omicron, the virus’ll be so impressed, it’ll pass right over, promise.
Now that we’re well into holiday season, you may find yourself preoccupied with calorie counting and expanding waistlines and such…allow me to offer a solution. Not a particularly healthy or enjoyable one, but a solution nonetheless; there’s certainly no more effective purging inducer than Kyle Rittenhouse’s unseemly I Got Away With Murder (And So Can You!) media tour.
Can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to find Tucker Carlson twirling his shitty baton at the head of this malevolent parade; between the softball prime time interview and the surprise documentary crew, Fish Stix Hitler certainly pulled out all the stops in his scumfuck quest to canonize white supremacy’s celebrity child soldier as the patron saint of murder in the name of faux victimhood.
There, see? Now that Thanksgiving dinner is safely splattered all over the floor/your playfully tacky Xmas sweater, you can craft yourself a guilt-free sammich from any available leftovers before finishing this post…you may want to keep a bucket handy, though.
Naturally, young Kyle’s successful evasion of justice earned him an audience with Government Cheese Goebbels himself, and Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to give the little creep the Congressional Gold Medal, but hey, I’m sure it’s only the healthiest of democracies that feature so many prominent politicians and pundits openly glorifying the slaughter of political opponents…right?
Of course, J.D. Vance couldn’t allow boyish brownshirt Josh Mandel to outflank him from the right on the issue of Gunning Liberals Down in the Street, and while I was far from a Tim Ryan fan during the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, the Ohio GOP’s fashier-than-thou Senate contest has me appreciating Tim’s dreamy eyes, strong jawline, and super-sexxxy absence of authoritarian tendencies a little more every day.
Well, should you find yourself concerned/worried/petrified with terror at the implications of Ohio’s MAGA mud-wrestling spectacle, at least take some comfort that far-right Pennsylvania Senate candidate Sean Parnell dropped out of the race after losing custody of his children over allegations of violence, reducing the number of Ex-President-Taintfungus-endorsed domestic abusers seeking election to the upper chamber by one, though not, of course, to zero; this is the Republican Party, after all.
Oh, also, since this is Hell, now quack extraordinaire Dr. Oz wants the Pennsylvania Senate gig, no doubt sensing an opening in this batshit era when the fevered screechings of the anti-science death cultist hold so much sway. What, was the demon semen lady not available?
Well, the RNC is still paying the Deposed Dotard’s personal legal bills, and hey, if you sincerely believe that quivering submissiveness is a desirable leadership trait, you probably should vote Republican. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths, a crotch-stomped economy, and an increasingly violent authoritarian movement, dedicated to subverting, and eventually ending American democracy?
I see Aaron Rodgers, fresh off his “Too Dumb to Not Catch Covid” Covid diagnosis, publicly stated he had “Covid toe,” only to throw a sad, sorry, little shitfit when the Wall Street Journal reported he had Covid toe, demonstrating deft mastery of the whinging, victimhood-manufacturing histrionics that seem to be the sole reason any American conservative even bothers getting out of bed anymore. The Rodgers/Rittenhouse 2024 Wisconsin Senate primary is gonna be a show, folks.
While the shitstorm generally shows few signs of abating, this week actually offered plenty to be thankful for. No doubt a certain skeevy pair of democracy-assaulting, pro-Trump “attorneys” are walking funny tonight, after the $180,000 spanking administered by the very court they sought so cynically to abuse; but perhaps they’re counting their blessings, looking at the $25 million bill dropped in the How Exactly Did This Flock of Puckered Buttholes Ever Imagine They’d Be Difficult to Replace? Charlottesville rally organizers’ subpar white boy laps. I’m thankful for sweet, sweet CONSEQUENCES, is what I’m trying to say here.
You’re probably engorged with gratitude after that last paragraph, but tough shit, you’re going back for another helping, and you’re not excused from the table until you clean your plate, because the Biden/Harris/Pelosi/Schumer/You/Me/Every Dem Everywhere machine is firing on all cylinders, working out the kinks in the supply chain, even as new unemployment claims drop to a 52-year low, not too shabby, huh? And that’s with trillions of dollars worth of progressive goodness still yet to hit our weary, battered economy, mind you.
And hey, white supremacist vigilantism actually took an L in court this week, that was pleasantly non-appalling for a change, wasn’t it?
Quick confession: I am a willing, indeed joyous participant in the lamestream liberal media’s cover-up of the greatest political scandal of the 21st century: Kamala Harris spending some of her money on a pot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my Soros-funded private jet to my Soros-funded mansion in the Hamptons.
Before I sign off, forgive a little corniness on my part, as I express my gratitude for all y’all; strange as it may seem, drafting meandering, scatological rants on a regular basis has been nothing but beneficial to me…your kind feedback and support over the years have helped me overcome lifelong confidence issues, (my therapist thanks you) and enabled me to finally pursue my dream of writing comic books, so from the bottom of my drunken, masked-n-bathrobed heart…I thank you.
ON THAT NOTE, yeah, I’ve got a comic book Kickstarter that’s live for a couple more weeks, and we’re lagging a bit behind previous projects, so I’d be even more grateful if you’d check us out and consider making a pledge. (Make note of those upper rewards tiers, by the way; if you’ve ever wanted somebody to tell your Republican Congressjag what a turd-munching fuckhead he is, now’s your chance!) ODD YARNS is fun as hell, and I’d really love to share it with as many folks as possible.
Oh, and for backers of my previous comic, MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, the shipment has FINALLY been unloaded from the dang boat, so I should have it within the next couple of weeks, which means I can hopefully get your books mailed out relatively soon. I’m sending out updates through Kickstarter, so be on the lookout.
Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Stay safe out there, see ya soon!