Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
America: If the Quack Doctors Don’t Get Ya, the Heavily Armed Teenagers Will
I don’t say it enough, at least not directly, but boy howdy, I am gettin’ mighty tired of assholes ruining everything. Look, I understand there are always gonna be assholes, that’s unavoidable, but maybe we should stop putting them in charge of shit, on account of the way they ruin everything? Just a thought. Anyway, here are a bunch of stories about assholes ruining everything:
From the highest halls of power to the authenticest Appalachian diner, Republicans are hopping mad that Democrats insist on battling the pandemic, in violation of the sacred right to own the libs by catching, spreading, and dying from a largely preventable disease.
A particularly nihilistic wing of the Senate Republican Conference actually tried to shut the whole frickin’ government down in an attempt to force the Biden Administration to abandon necessary, effective public health measures, and I confess I’m more perplexed than ever at the current state of the generic congressional ballot…call me naive, I just figured “don’t vote for folks that’re actively attempting to kill you” was a universally agreed upon principle.
Also, in the name of freedom from the tyranny of (checks notes) protecting human life, the rural community of Oroville, California (population: 20,000*) proclaimed itself the Legally Seceded Confederate Republic of You’re Not the Boss of Me, Libtard, which is not something you can actually do, but hey, LARPing sure looks fun.
Meanwhile, no doubt sensing the opportunity to swap another couple hundred thousand of their constituents’ lives for a fresh hit to Biden’s approval rating, the GOP is rolling out the red carpet for the shiny new Omicron variant; shit, they’re practically throwing the goddamn thing a cotillion.
Texas Congressjag Ronny Jackson led the charge, swiftly proclaiming Omicron to be a Democrat hoax. This nasty little bit of disinformation, bellowed as it was from atop a mass grave already nearly 800,000 corpses high, was actually even more insidious than it initially appeared, because while Ronny is known primarily as a liar, a drunk, and a drug dealer, he technically is a doctor.
…which is more than can be said of Rand Paul, who nevertheless persists in his ridiculous, self-owning feud with Dr. Anthony Fauci (and objective reality). Rand wants to send America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist to federal prison for the crime of adhering to the findings of science, rather than caving to the widely-debunked conspiracy theories emanating from the lump of rancid yogurt swarming with meth-sodden flies occupying the space between Senator Paul’s ears.
(No doubt wild-eyed Fux Nooz host Lara Logan would go even further, since apparently FAUCI = MENGELE on her planet. When Lara isn’t spreading lies from her Murdoch-provided platform, she enjoys recreationally feuding with the Auschwitz Memorial on Twitter, which is extremely normal behavior.)
Anyway, Rand may soon head up his very own Pompous Quack Caucus, if Dr. Oz can only convince the voters of Pennsylvania to elect a sociopath who lives in New Jersey to represent them in the United States Senate. Oz describes himself as a “moderate Republican,” because while he’s spread his share of disinformation over the years, he’s never marched alongside tiki-torch-bearing white nationalists, which, shit, may well make him TOO “moderate” for the GOP primary electorate, if the outhouse knife fight in neighboring Ohio is any indication.
South Carolina Congressdolt Nancy Mace’s wacky week certainly supports this theory. Mace initially made national headlines belching up anti-vax talking points on Fux, but still soon found herself in a screeching match with CrossFash loon Marjorie Taylor Greene, over caucusmate Lauren Boebert’s unrepentant Islamophobia.
Minority Leader McCarthy handled the intraparty scuffle with his trademark groveling weakness, begging Greene to knock it off, but ultimately proving incapable of mustering the slightest sputtering “hey, quit it” when she marched straight out of his office to tell a reporter she wanted to see Mace ousted in a primary, for insufficient bigotry. The Vainglorious MTG may be a QAnon-spreading fuckwit who believes in Jewish space lasers, but when she defiantly snarls that it’s idiot hate-mongers like herself and Boebert who constitute the GOP “base,” well…something something stopped clocks.
Ol’ Keville Chamberlain did manage to indignantly demand the world accept the apology Boebert categorically refused to make, because while he’s merely useless on his good days, rather than actively harmful, he hasn’t actually had a good day in years. Somebody should remind McCarthy, the last Republican to successfully halt the advance of the Gosar/Boebert/Greene wing of the conservative movement was Dwight D. Eisenhower.
While we shouldn’t allow it to detract from our pleasure in pointing and laughing at his humiliation, the epic failure of former New Jersey Governor/cheapest of all possible thugs Chris Christie’s new book might not be the best news…ideally, his relatively light, “hey, how ‘bout we think about kinda sorta moving on from insurrection guy” message would find a larger audience amongst Republicans than the mere 2,289 copies (YIKES) he managed to move would seem to indicate. On the other hand, fuck Chris Christie. (Lookit me, viewing the issue from both sides, like a regular Chuck Todd.)
So, a couple of Trump-loving gun-humpers figured there was no better Xmas present for their shitty, obviously disturbed kid than a fucking SEMIAUTOMATIC HANDGUN, and surprise, surprise, a few more of America’s children wound up exercising their Second Amendment right to get murdered in school.
The Crumbleys’ other innovative parenting techniques included literally laughing off the most terrifyingly obvious red flags I’ve ever fucking seen, concealing potentially life-saving information from school officials, and going on the lam, leaving their dirtbag son to rot in jail, once they learned their enabling asses would be charged with manslaughter. Anyway, rather than changing any of our insane gun laws, let’s just take this opportunity to preemptively lob meaningless, insincere thoughts n’ prayers at the victims of the next, oh, shall we say, 30 school shootings? We’re all busy people, is all I’m saying.
Several of the nation’s most prominent legal minds tragically drowned making arguments before the new, Anti-Choicey-Barrett-infused wingnut SCOTUS majority, who were unable to contain their tidal wave of salivation now that the opportunity to obliterate reproductive rights finally, FINALLY dropped into their shitty theocrat laps.
Susan Collins expressed concern…that she’d be held responsible for her (indispensable) role in installing this extremist sect on the bench in the first place, particularly that famous, mega-condescending, Look, the Drunken Serial Sexual Assaulter Says He’ll Respect Precedent Once We Grant Him Power Beyond Account and That’s That lecture. You wrote your own legacy, Senator Collins, the rest of us are just reporting it.
Now that his attempt to overthrow the U.S. government has flopped, (shouldn’t have harnessed your fortunes to the fella who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino business, brah) Jeffrey Clark plans to plead the Fifth before the January 6th commission, which is fairly irritating, yes, but…I mean, I get it. If I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d be taking advantage of every available protection against self-incrimination, and offering suggestions for new ones. Of course, if I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d live in a dumpster, because I’d be trash, so going to Capitol Hill for a chat would be a refreshing change of pace.
Excavations of the wreckage of the Turd Reich continue to yield fresh horrors, reeking of indecency, criminality, and overcooked steak farts. For example, turns out Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot flunked a Covid test a few days before the first presidential debate, an inconvenient detail he neglected to mention to those whose life he endangered with his mere presence, including a certain gentleman from Scranton who was kicking his ass rather definitively in the polling at the time. Fortunately, Wee Donnie Dotard proved no more competent at biological warfare than he was at electoral politics, pandemic management, or umbrella closing.
(That lil’ tidbit came from Mark Meadows’ new book, which Meadows himself now labels “fake news,” in what the Guinness Book of World Records calls, “the most craven bit of human behavior in all of space and time.” Look out, Senator Graham, Mark’s clearly angling for your post as Prime Cuck, and with it, the prized spot at the foot of the bed.)
Also, it appears the Adderall-Addled Assclown simply stopped accepting his daily classified intelligence briefings after that surprise party he threw for his Vice President on January 6th, likely because he was just too dang busy actively colluding with the wad of treacherous shitweasels at the Willard hotel to worry about petty stuff, like protecting the American public from those who would do us harm. I mean, at the very least, keep an eye on what the competition’s up to, right?
Ron DeSantis feels he’s done such a good job feeding Floridians to the Republican Death God that he deserves a treat: his own personal, private civilian military force, no doubt to be recruited from that pool of former law enforcement types who chose angry internet gibberish over health and employment. What could go wrong?**
Well, friends, it’s the final few days of the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, so pledge now or accept the inevitable lifetime of regret that comes with missing out on the niftiest comic book ever scripted by a political blogger in a luchador mask.
This is gonna be the last comic/Kickstarter for a while, as I retreat to the Shower Cave to work on some exciting, longer projects in 2022, so if you’re looking to support this humble poo joke blog, now’s the time to strike. If you enjoy what I do here, click on over to the Kickstarter page real quick, check out our book, and chip in if you dig what you see. Don’t miss out on the special rewards tiers for blog fans, by the way.
*Until Omicron shows up, anyhow.
**This is actually your homework assignment for the weekend. No less than 10,000 words, have it on my desk by Monday morning***.