Feels like we hit the Let’s Just Do It And Be Legends stage of imploding American kakistocracy, doesn’t it?

Let’s restart the Iran war. Let’s go back to ICE gunning people down in the street. Oh, and weren’t we going to assault the very foundations of the country’s electoral system? Have you seen the latest polling? We gotta get on that shit.

Also, I don’t want to get greedy or anything, but if there were some way to cause, say, an explosive diarrhea outbreak, that would be amazing. Have we tried intentional, malicious negligence? Because we’ve had a lot of luck with that.

The dude making all these decisions thinks magnets break when they get wet, by the way.

Nice to have that one back in rotation; it’s a personal favorite. He’s been so enamored with the ‘b’ in ‘dumb’ since he found out about it in his late seventies that we’ve forgotten how he believes that “When a little water touches the magnets, it doesn’t work anymore.”

No wonder we’re on the cusp of such a golden-ass age. Any minute now. Two weeks. Just wait till the revenue from the Strait of Hormuz tolls starts rollin’ in, baby! Why, running a massive protection racket on the other side of the globe is as easy as stealing a magnet’s magnetizing power with a small amount of water!

Boots on the ground? Well, why the heck not? Dear Leader’s mastery of the art of war is matched only by his negotiating prowess, after all. How many times has he either achieved glorious, total victory or graciously delivered the peace for which he is renowned the world over? No war in history has ended as many times as this one, and he doesn’t get enough credit from the lying liberal media for that.

As compensation for this slight, he gets a coin with his face on it, yes, in defiance of the dumb ol’ law, plus THREE scoops of ice cream tonight and a little light blasphemy on the official White House social media accounts. That’s only fair.

OH, and if it’s not too much trouble, he’d like to end American democracy.

Right! We reelected the guy who broke our centuries-old peaceful transfer of power streak. Autogolpe me once, shame on you…

And yes, there’s a level on which all this Big Lie stuff comes off like an old man arguing over an expired coupon in a Piggly Wiggly, but at the same time, we’re definitely not living through a golden age of refusing to follow unconstitutional orders, y’know?

Markwayne Mullin may be a soft little man with a smooth little brain, but he is still, for reasons certain to perplex and amuse scholars for generations, an extremely powerful fellow, so I can’t say I love watching him threaten election officials with imprisonment.

Wouldn’t want to tell you how to do your job, Markwayne, but maybe worry less about bamboo fibers and more about getting ICE’s murder numbers down? Hey, I’ve got an idea! You could like, check a dude’s background before you give him a badge and a gun (and a mask), and if he’s like, a violent psychopath, maybe he has to find some other job where it’s harder to kill people. Just a thought.

Pete Hegseth is gonna restore masculinity to the United States Armed Forces if he has to personally palpate every scrotum in the joint. Yes, the Secretary of War mandated testosterone screenings because we live in a deleted scene from a low-budget remake of a second-tier Steven Seagal movie.   

So I guess Marco Rubio is Viceroy of Venezuela now. Golly, that sounds like an important job. Hope none of the duties require shoes that fit.

They’re gonna sell priority access to the Dotard’s social media posts to anybody willing to sift through the messianic and/or homoerotic memes for tips about the next stock he’s pumping, just like in all the healthiest democracies.

If nothing else (and it’s pretty close to nothing, honestly), they’ve built a vibrant culture of corruption. Shit, even the fucking teleprompter guy has been grifting on the prediction markets. You better check these creeps’ pockets when they come sniffing around the Smithsonian, or we’ll live to see the Apollo 11 Command Module up on cinder blocks behind Mar-a-Lago.

So they drained the Reflecting Pool, and of course there’s no 350-yard gash. That’s one of the hazards of fabricating imaginary gashes, I suppose. Are we still prosecuting the Olympic canoeist over the gash that isn’t there?

The Senate Judiciary Committee convened to consider the absurd proposition that Todd Blanche should be Attorney General of the United States. Todd’s such a consummate lackey he can’t get through a confirmation hearing without referring to himself as Donald Trump’s lawyer, so it’s cute that we’re pretending there’s the slightest chance he’d wield the power of this office ethically.   

Chuck Schumer (allegedly) farted audibly on the Senate floor this week, which I am honor-bound to mention here in the interest of fairness and balance.

Seems Republican Senate candidate Mike Collins’ son-in-law is “a pro-White nationalist social media influencer with a track record of sharing antisemitic material and Nazi imagery in comments across the internet.” Ho hum. We’ve normalized worse.

(I think I’m actually going to enjoy this subplot quite a bit, because it turns out Jon Ossoff has a talent for playing with his food.)

Article I, Section 8, Clause 1) of the U.S. Constitution grants Congress the power to collect taxes to provide for the “common defense and general welfare,” which I’m sure you’ll agree encompasses flying JD Vance’s kids to luxury golf lessons on military helicopters with Secret Service protection.

History books tend to ignore the Founders’ heated debate over this very issue, which was ultimately resolved during a game of strip poker that established a well-regulated militia to escort a young John Quincy Adams to and from his trombone lessons.

Speaking of JD, he went on Joe Rogan to show the world what a likable, bro-ish sort of fellow he is beneath the eyeliner and the hatred, only to prove incapable of navigating the conversation without commenting on the sexxxiness of former President Biden’s ice-cream consumption technique.

Elon Musk likely broke Wisconsin’s bribery laws when he offered all those bribes during the 2025 state Supreme Court election. Gosh, I hope the trial doesn’t interfere with his efforts to incite white supremacist violence in Ireland.

Hey, you know who sucked?

Lindsey Graham sucked.

I shouldn’t say that. He was probably good at lots of things. He was amazing at betraying oaths, for example. Take the oath a United States senator swears:

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God.

Yep, betrayed the shit outta that one. Damn near daily for a decade. And for what?

For war.

There was no degradation Lindsey Graham would decline to endure for the opportunity to make a little war. To a reasonably decent human being, blowing up a school full of children is an atrocity. To Lindsey, it was Xmas fucking morning.   

Lindsey lived such a shameful life that any honest obituary reads like a cautionary tale told by an insult comic. It’s a crying shame his parents ever met. And I’m sure that when South Carolina Republicans replace him with some freak who got kicked out of the Oath Keepers for sexual deviancy, I’ll even come to miss the relative gentility of his tragically weak character, so fuck him for that, too.

Anyway.

This is the part where I ask you to donate to my beer fund, which is actually extra urgent this week, as I spilled a bunch of beer on a bunch of magnets and thus must replace both. (Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App. You know the drill.)

Join the email list. Follow @john_luzar. Stay safe out there.

PS: WHY OH WHY WON’T YOU FILL OUT YOUR KICKSTARTER SURVEYS? I just want to send you the comics you bought from me. They are packed up and ready to go, but I need you to answer the survey so I know where to send them.