- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thank You for Not Rioting
Well, apocalyptic enough for ya? Cities burning while a bloated, malignant, wannabe warlord sows fear and hate, visions of conquest contorting his already vaguely demonic countenance…I’ve read enough Conan the Barbarian comics to know this is gonna get worse before it gets better.
Yeah, this week marked our official Return to Anti-Normalcy™️, I think. We knew it was coming, and now it’s here, that familiar fecal firehose, blasting us square in the face every minute of every day. (And if you think it’s bad now, just wait till the whales take their vengeance for the windmill madness we unleashed.)
On Monday, I received push notifications from every news outlet on Earth, when the nation of my birth actually managed to navigate a mundane procedural hurdle in the election certification process without the violent intervention of a frothing mob of the aggressively subpar. For a change. Whatever you may think of the relative high points of the American experiment, it’s all participation trophies from here on out.
…assuming any of us survive the game show host’s wars of conquest, that is. A draft of a planned day one executive order has leaked, directing the finest minds at the Pentagon to develop a saber he can clutch in his official portrait with those stunted, ineffectual phalanges of his without looking ridiculous. Or maybe something equally plausible, like cloning dinosaurs, or perpetual motion.
Watching the drool drip down the giddy little goose-steppers’ chins as they hungrily invoke “manifest destiny” is fairly disconcerting, sure, but on the other hand…I dunno, fellas, were I part of a dewormer-guzzling death cult, I’d want to delay destiny as long as possible.
Like, remember the blithering dingbat who tried to shoot up the Pizzagate restaurant, because he thought they were trafficking children in the basement, only the restaurant didn’t even have a fucking basement? Well, that exceptionally stable genius got himself shot to death this week, when he pulled a gun on some cops at a traffic stop. THAT, my friends, is MAGA manifest destiny.
I promise you, any Turd Reich campaign for lebensraum would end with Field Marshal Seb Gorka’s troops disappearing into quicksand. (Is there even quicksand in Greenland? I don’t know, but they’d find it. In some Greenlandic pizza parlor’s non-existent basement.)
Still, our legal claim here is unassailable. We all remember when Harry Truman thumb-wrestled control of the island away from Hamlet, on the deck of the Mayflower. Plus, Don Junior’s drug dealer friend seems positively enthusiastic about the prospect of annexation, as do the homeless people he bribed and costumed.
Naturally, we can’t even launch imperial aggression like adults, we’re stuck with a preening manchild petulantly proclaiming IT’S THE GULF OF AMERICA NOW, BAZINGA. Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay to replace all the globes, too.
Amazingly, no billionaire media moguls were harmed in the stampede to obey their new kakistocrat masters in advance, presumably because Zuck n’ Bezos had their dignity surgically removed and cryogenically frozen in anticipation of this turn of events.
Definitely looking forward to WaPo’s review of the boss’ $40 million bribe, a documentary about Melania that’s already earning Oscar buzz from Stephen Miller, whose own Creep Eye for the Incel Guy, a spray-on makeover show featuring the least fuckable men alive, is also in development at Amazon Prime.
Speaking of makeovers, looks like we’re getting a whole new Facebook. Out with DEI and fact-checking, in with hate speech and a board member who was literally captured on video hitting his wife. Jesus Christ, did Jimmy Carter take all the decency with him, or what?
Meanwhile, Elon Musk declared it is to be Good Vibes Only on Xwitter, now that he no longer needs to conjure a fictitious hellscape to justify the election of his pet rapist.
Heads up, though, a targeted, temporary positivity suspension may be necessary, should King Charles III fail to dissolve the British government and install (alleged) sex trafficker Andrew Tate as Prime Minister 4 Lyfe with sufficient haste. Once Elon sets his heart on a rapist, he doesn’t like to be kept waiting, y’know.
Otherwise, kindly sprinkle your California wildfire disinformation posts with festive emojis, there’s no reason we can’t be pleasant as we tear our civilization to tatters.
Near as I can figure, the fires began when a BLM/Antifa riot reenactment got out of hand, and spread because under California law, only indigenous, left-handed lithosexuals are permitted within ten yards of a fire hydrant, though I suppose it’s theoretically possible the Right-wing media is being disingenuous on the subject.
Though thousands of homes have been destroyed, at least the tragedy has provided the Führer-elect an opportunity to deploy his very favorite playground nickname. “Gavin Newscum” is his Guernica. Every time he posts about “Gavin Newscum,” he prints the tweet out for Melania to hang on the fridge at Marm-a-Lago. (I learned that from the Amazon Prime documentary.)
After being held in contempt of court this week, Rudy Giuliani was held in contempt of court again, in case you thought the Borat cameo was the result of an uncharacteristic lapse in judgment. Courtroom sketches suggest Giuliani is making a play to join the rumored Tales from the Crypt relaunch, as an all-new host character…the Landscaper!
A forthcoming book claims Off-Brand Orbán damn near placed Fox Nooz bleating head Maria Bartiromo an undercooked hamberder away from the nuclear codes, a sobering reminder that this shit can always get even dumber.
Sorry, rubes, Elon says those promised spending cuts ain’t comin’, so any tax breaks’ll have to be reserved for the oligarch class. But don’t worry, cuz prices aren’t coming down either, and anyway, you won’t live long enough to notice, given the massive health care cuts they’ve got planned. For just eight dollars a month, you can post all you like about the GULF OF AMERICA, though.
The Georgia Republican Party formally excommunicated former Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan for his heretical belief that the United States could probably find a better President than some insurrectionist rapist. The scriptures are crystal clear on this, Geoff: There shall come unto you a Rapist; abandon thou thy every law and moral, that he may never know consequence.
Mel Gibson says ivermectin cures cancer. It doesn’t.
Seems Donnie Dotard and Sam Alito had themselves a little chat, but definitely not about how much luxury travel financing it’d take to find a little more immunity in the ol’ SCOTUS sofa cushions ahead of a certain felon’s sentencing. No, that would be unethical. How dare you even suggest such a thing?
And sure, lots of folks’re disappointed his sentence for those 34 felony convictions amounted to five minutes of a judge telling him what a bad boy he’d been, and between the shenanigans of Aileen Cannon and the North Carolina Supreme Court, you may be wondering if you’re seeing the dying days of the rule of law, but personally, I dunno…I just dig watching the sloppy fop whine. About how unfaiiiiiiirly he’s been blah blah blah blah blah.
Because in those moments, his patheticness becomes inescapable. Well, those moments and thousands of others. “Poor meeeeeeee, they’re flying flags at half-staff for President Carter during my inauguraaaaaation it’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!”
And watching Senators and CEOs grovel before this turd…I mean, don’t get me wrong, I understand how fucked up and frightening all this is, but honestly, it still makes me giggle. Derisively. Because, well, you understand we can see y’all, right?
And sure, maybe I’ll sing a different tune in the gulag. But that won’t make any of your lives any less embarrassing, lil’ Trumpers.
For now, I’ll drink to having more self-respect than the rich n’ powerful. Hell, kick a few bucks into my tip jar, (now accepting Cash App, PayPal and Venmo) and I’ll drink excessively to having more self-respect than the rich n’ powerful. Following @john_luzar and/or joining the email list on showercapblog.com will have no effect on my drinking, but I’ll still be grateful. Stay safe out there, chum…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
2025 has started off even more bizarrely than I could imagine
Too fucking true.
Yup.
“…frothing mob of the aggressively subpar.” 💀😂💀😂
Can’t say it wasn’t fortold. January 1 wa on a Wednesday so the year’s calendar started with “WTF”
Resistance is vital.
Thanks for your brave resistance eloquence, even though it seems futile right now. 2025 couldn’t have a more bitter and bizarre start, what with talk of forcibly annexing Greenland and braving “Newscum” for the horrific fires.
Hey. you gotta tip MY beer jar now
Malcolm Nance’s call for resistance
(https://malcolmnance.substack.com/?r=z0m6y&utm_campaign=subscribe-page-share-screen&utm_medium=web)
begins with boycotting news media beginning the morning of the inauguration through the following Saturday morning. Hit him where it hurts the most – in the ratings – and give the MSM a message too.
Cap, I’ll have to wait till Saturday morning to read that week’s Blog, which will get me the best week-in-review when the time comes.
Fuck it all, we are too stupid to be a shining beacon on a hill! We live in a shit hole country now, soon to be governed by greedy ass hats willing to take away more of our rights. I’ve boycotted the news media since Shitforbrains cheated his way back, and do not miss it. America has been in decline for decades, but now we just got pushed off the cliff. We will get what we deserve for our hubris. Peace.
Yr brave & intrepid, dude.
When Trump learns to speak Greenlandic (the official three-dialect language of Greenland ), that’s when Greenland might possibly maybe by some remote chance agree to even begin discussing being acquired by us. For an example of Greenlandic, see the home page for the municipality of Sermersooq or the municipality of Qeqqata . So, not gonna happen. Trump barely understands English.
I kinda think that Greenlandic is part of the country’s national-defense strategy: it’d be really hard to successfully invade a country when you can’t pronounce or spell the names of your objectives (cf. American Indian Code Talkers baffling the Germans and Japanese in World War II ). I imagine the Pentagon planners looking at a map of Greenland and the names of towns and landmarks and going, “Uh, nope. Let’s try Canada. We can at least read their road signs And there’s a lot less ice.”
I was really proud of my President when Carter was in office. The nation is a reflection of the President so the US is only decent under Democratic Presidents. We’re conservative scum the rest of the time. Cheers Cap!
As an inhabitant of southern California (who was staring at a few RED EVACUATE NOW ZONES staring back at me and mine in the face for the loooongest time; the Yellow Evacuation — Meh, Suggested, Whenever You Get Around to It, Dude — zone color was about the same color as nervous pee), I just hope we get as much done with Biden’s Last Gift to us as we can before the Mango Mussolini swoops in and promptly steals it all away from us, since we apparently don’t deserve it (psst — that water act thing Himself was whinging about? Doesn’t exist; never has).
Remember last time, when someone with a brain and maturity level above “Pubescent” reminded him that Orange County, at least, usually votes Republican and had done so for him in 2016 (and probably 2020, and 2024, and…)? 🙂
Well, that guy (of course it’d be a guy) apparently isn’t on the team this time… X-P
And Cap — are you on Bluesky yet? C’mon, you know you want to… 😉
I wonder if any of these greedy blood gargling oligarchs ever read a little history other than about how to copy Nazi Germany…. l’m thinking more along the lines of The French Revolution for example.
After watching the embarrassment that passes for governance in America this week I’ve finally realized that reading is for Cucks. These stupid fucks couldn’t govern water downhill if the instructions were placed at the bottom of said hill.
I get that the jokes write themselves but I’ve grown incredibly tired of being embarrassed to be an American.
I hope the MAGAts get exactly what they deserve, and John Fetterman…fuck you too!
Eh, Cap, I’m so, so sorry, but it appears that you were made for this time. I’m sorry for both of us, but we will need your biting and truthsom writing to support us through these coming months, and god help us, years. Obvious, the past 8 years were your training time, now, unfortunately, you’ll be hard pressed to keep your writing to a reasonable length. Being in my late 70’s I’m sort of short on cash, but I will find a way to send you some. You will need all the help you can get to help us pull through this nightmare.
Dammit, Cap, (superb this week, as always, my dear) you made me spew a perfectly good mouthful of Darjeeling all over my computer with “Creep Eye for the Incel Guy”. I’ve got to remember — no liquids until I finish reading the whole thing! (You know how much we love and need you, right)?
Just a request for a share link to Bluesky. Yes, I can and will copy and paste your site there, but Bluesky definitely deserves its own place on the available links. Yeah, and I agree that you should be there too. It’s what’s happenin’, man. 😁 ♥️
I heartily agree with AK –
WE NEED YOU AT BLUESKY, CAP!!! – PLEAAAASSE (okay, I’m whining now) add their link to the send-to list!!!
Commissioner, send out the BEER SIGNAL – The Resistance needs Captain Showercap!
Thursday mom makes pizza rolls. That just about made me snot on my keyboard.
Me, too.
We need to see trump’s outrageous statements concerning Greenland, Panama, etc. for what they are; cover for the fact of what he’s NOT talking about – his (obviously nonexistent) plans to lower prices on food and fuel, to cause peace where there is now war and to put forward a health care program that will be ever so much better than the Affordable Health Care Act. Trump is nothing but a third-rate magician saying, “Hey you, look over here”. Unfortunately, too much of the media is running back and forth, looking only where trump points.
Hip Hip Hurray!!!! The Man is back!!!
Hey Cap, you’ve generously provided so many delightful turns of phrase over the years (who can forget Manchurian Man-child?), so please let me provide one in turn: For X/Twitter, Xitter, pronounced “Shitter” (hopefully that didn’t get censored/filtered).