- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
(Tech) Bros Before Hos, and Other Fun Rules Under Your New Oligarchy!
Well, hello there. Been a minute. You’re looking well. Y’know, I almost got the smell of autocracy and overcooked steak farts out of my poor, battered cranium, but it appears break time is over, alas.
So, a few days back, some soft, sloppy dork called Patrick Thomas Egan assaulted a reporter, strangling him while bleating, “This is Trump’s America now!”
And I confess I’ve wondered, as I’m sure you have as well, since last we met…is the fashy little twerp right? Is it indeed time to jettison all those pesky, self-evident truths, slap on an ill-fitting suit with a too-long red necktie, and rezone the joint for golden toilets?
Just in case, I informed the nail-gun-wielding chap heading up the press gang that swept my regular Thursday coffee shop of my strong preference for assignment to the Panama Canal front, though I suppose the Chicago winters have prepared me for Canada or Greenland if it comes down to it.
But I still think the answer is no, for a variety of reasons. For starters, if anything, it’s Elon Musk’s America. He bought the incoming administration fair and square, and I’m sure between the credit rating and all the felony convictions, the oath of office requires a co-signer at this point anyway.
Longtime Twitter users’ll tell ya Elon tends to play rough when he gets his hands on a new toy, so I hope nobody was surprised when he immediately attempted to shut the whole dang government down, like a tapped out emerald mine or somethin’.
And Musk, excuse me, “Kekius Maximus,” (as if having an oligarch shadow President wasn’t enough, ours rotted his brain in the darkest, most hateful corners of the alt-Right losersphere, yay) already has his eyes on expanding his collection of Western governments, endorsing the Naziest German party he could find, in addition to lending his support to celebrity British hatemonger Tommy Robinson.
Still, Off-Brand Orbán is at least consulted on certain personnel matters, and while the proposed Cabinet he’s assembled resembles nothing so much as a cluster of intestinal cysts in varied stages of bursting, no one could accuse them of disloyalty.
Well. Except to the Constitution of the United States, of course. A piddling consideration, next to the price of eggs, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Incidentally, hope everybody caught the post-election update that said price of eggs will not, as was previously pledged, be coming down. (As with all Trump campaign promises, if you read the fine print, it says “SUCKER” between two tiny, stunted middle fingers.)
Anyhoo, I’m certainly disappointed the entire Matt Gaetz fiasco played out during my hiatus, if only because “Team of Rapists” would’ve been a money blog title. I suppose Hesgeth and the brainworm fellow are still in the running, so maybe I’ll save it for the leather-bound, multi-volume retrospective, assuming literacy is still a thing in four years.
I wouldn’t take that for granted, given the rumblings we’re already seeing of a potential MAGA civil war. Cuz that’s how you get Morlocks, folks.
I almost feel bad for the poor dolts. You give a white nationalist death cult the best years of your life, you take your livestock dewormer every single night, you dutifully pay your rube tithe every time a new NFT or anti-woke pop tart substitute drops, only for Vivek-come-lately and his billionaire bros to swoop in at the last minute to replace you with foreigners after all. Adding insult to injury, the price of tiki torches has gone through the roof.
Historically, the Children of the Candy Corn have been, um, let’s say “slow” to notice they’ve been conned, but the sneering disdain of the new management has grown too loud to ignore. Between assaults on their culture’s “mediocrity” and “laziness,” (to say nothing of their beloved teen sitcoms) and being labeled “contemptible fools” who should “fuck (themselves) in the face,” why, it’s enough to make a deplorable curl up in the corner of their basket and cry.
At first, I wondered who would get the dog in the Elon/Laura Loomer divorce, but the dog turned out to be the remnant of Stephen Miller’s spray-on hair from his 2018 Face the Nation appearance, which, having gained a rudimentary sentience, has been nominated by the incoming Reich to head up the Civil Rights Division at DoJ.
Anyway, now Steve Bannon’s demanding reparations, or he’s going to rip Elon’s face off, though whether the removal would take place before or after he fucks himself in the abovementioned face was unclear at press time.
Still, the schism may yet be avoided, as a pair of domestic terror attacks perpetrated by U.S. citizens have allowed Cult45’s bickering factions to recenter their ire on the southern border. Which, you’ll observe, makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I bet they’ll lose a whole buncha sleep over that.
See, to Republicans, terrorism mostly means an opportunity for xenophobic preening. So for Senator Kennedy, this week was basically Xmas, especially since he got to test-drive some of the anti-media material he’s been working up for Maggie Haberman’s pending show trial.
Despite a federal appeals court upholding her sexual assault and defamation judgment against the rapist America just elected President, E. Jean Carroll rejected repeated pleas for financial aid from the American Broadcasting Corporation, saying, “pay your own cowardice tax, you pathetic enablers.”
Naturally, this ruling wasn’t the week’s sole reminder of the Dotard’s life of crime; on the small matter of those 34 felony convictions, his long-delayed sentencing, now scheduled for next week, promises to give the rule of law a festive sendoff before we descend once more into kakistocracy.
…though not without substantial hissing and spitting from the felonious rapist’s lawless collaborators, of course. MAGA hasn’t thrown a culture-wide shitfit like the one they pitched when Liz Cheney and Bennie Thompson received the Presidential Citizens Medal since that time Congress refused to overturn that one election, even when the gentleman in the ceremonial headdress asked so nicely.
Mike Johnson dazzled the House Republican Conference, clearing the centimeter-high competence threshold statisticians have labeled the “McCarthy Line,” and getting himself elected Speaker with minimal rake-stepping. In most countries, spending time with Chip Roy is punishment for shoplifting, so have a blast, kid.
Oklahoma state superintendent Ryan Walters claims teachers unions have turned our nation’s public schools into “terrorist training camps,” but not to worry, his taxpayer-financed mass purchase of rapist-endorsed Bibles will re-indoctrinate them kids lickety split!
I see Nancy Mace is still trying to blame her many deficiencies on a “vaccine injury,” but even after multiple rounds of boosters, I myself have yet to feel the slightest urge to police my colleagues’ restroom usage, let alone fill my social media accounts with slurs, so it’s possible she’s just an asshole.
Donald Trump Jr. complains Daddy’s friends treat him like a “freaking imbecile” at the annual Marm-a-Lago New Year’s party, implying there are situations where people treat him like anything else, which I for one don’t believe for a second.
But God bless the perpetual motion slapstick comeuppance machine some call Rudy Giuliani; we need the schadenfreude now more than ever. An NYPD task force discovered Rudy in a particularl disreputable corner of Central Park, in a burrow he apparently dug by hand in an effort to hide several Yankees World Series rings from Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, each of which he screechingly proclaimed “MY PRECIOUS” as they were removed from various orifices.
Anyway, yeah. If you’ve missed having somebody around to help you navigate the news cycle by conjuring images of aging traitors hiding contraband up their butts, have I got good news for you! Shoot, I’ll even let you buy me a beer (via Cash App, PayPal or Venmo) if you’re so inclined! You’re also welcome to sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar. But whatever you do, stay safe out there, my friend…shit’s gonna get weird.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Good to have you back! Have a beer on me.
Welcome back Cap.
Shit ,the times are changing. Good to have you back Cap!
Welcome back. You’ve been missed.
Good to have you back. Have a sixer on me…
It’s good to see a Shower Cap rant popping up on my iPad again.
Cap is baaaaaaack!!! Hooray! All is right with the world! Uh, sorta, not. But, Oh well, Cap is back!! Take that, fascists!
Thanks, Cap…good to see you back. Good luck to us all
Welcome back, dear Cap. Missed your sorry Luchador ass these weeks. Still luv ya!
Glad your back. Missed you a lot.
Full of joy to have you back good sir, really something to be happy about in this very strange New Year. All the very best to you navigating the weird shit to come. Peace and blessings to you.
Brilliant, Cap.
Good to have you back, Cap. I need you now more than ever.
Well just to make things even better it sounds like Judge Merchan now says he’ll not sentence chump to anything except being guilty of his felony convictions so there’s something else to brighten our day 🤬
Hey, Cap! Welcome back! Good to see you!
Welcome back, sounds like your head is rested and full of the stuff that has made you famous in our minds.
{{{{CAPPY!!!}}}}
So glad to find this upload in my Friday night feed, Cap; believe me when l tell you that you were sorely missed in this sht storm. Good to have you back and to see that you landed on your feet with a the equivalent of a verbal wind sprint. It almost seems crazy to wish anyone a happy New Year in our current state of affairs, but nevertheless, here’s to you. 🍻
Thank you, thank you for stepping back into this trumpian/muskian mess. I’m not sure it was very bright of you considering the toll it takes on ones well being, but I missed you. So glad you’re back.
Mr Cap,
Sooooooo glad to have you back! It’s going to be a long four years, I’m most relieved to know I’ll have at least this to look forward to on Friday evening. At least until we meet in the reeducation camps.
Even though I did know what I had before it was gone it’s hard to overstate my disappointment every one of the last many fridays when I opened my mail and you weren’t there!
Anyway, glad to have you back!
Jimmy
About the only thing allowing me to hang onto my sanity is the knowledge that I am not alone, and that the coming hellscape will be documented through the lens of like-minded and hilarious folks like you, Cap. I’ll be nominating you for Therapist of the Year. Meanwhile, let me buy you a beer or three.
Good to have you back. Enjoy a beer on me.
The restrooms at marg a lego are policed by Kaitlan Jenner so all are safe!!!!
Welcome back Cap!!! We all missed you.
Great to have you back, Cappy — an especially good rant, er, post. I just sent you some funds to buy a coupla six packs of Bud Lite (FAFO rethugliKKKans). Of course, you’re free to spend it on real beer 😉
Cap back in the saddle and on FIRE. Love buddy. C Tyner
Seeing Shower Cap in my email list this morning felt like finally getting thrown a lifeline whilst drowning in a sea of Orange Turds. Welcome back, and none too soon!
Glad to have you back Cap. We’re going to need you for the next 4 years. It’s going to be a scary ride so it will be extremely important to have some humor mixed in.
God help us and thanks for what you do!
So,so glad to have you back in the fight Cap
Notice how small Trump’s hands look when he’s sitting on Musk’s shoulders.
Hurray! I’m deeply sorry that we meet under these rotten circumstances, but am grateful that you are with us.
Wonder if Elmo understands that “Kekius” sounds like kakistocracy. No I don’t, he doesn’t understand anything human. Or decent. Or funny.
Thank you, Cap, for plunging once more into the fetid breach. We are with you. Happy Fucking New Year!
Welcome back Cap.
Here’s my New Year’s contributions…
1) The perfect anagram for Elon Musk is: “Lone Skum”.
2) Because Vivek Ramaswamy looks like a walking poop emoji his
name should be spelled with a poop emoji replacing every “a”
You’re welcome.
Welcome back, Cap. I’ve really missed your informative and hilarious blog posts, and I’m grateful you’re here again to help us process this incoming nightmare. You’ll never fully know how helpful you are to your readers, I’m sure. With your assistance, I MAY be able to retain some degree of sanity. Will be happy to send you some beer funds.
Hey!,, Welcome back! I’m glad you took a breather. We all needed to “wash that man right out of our hair for a minute! 🎶
What a mess! Buckle up! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
Seeing your blog back up was the very best late winter-solstice-adjacent gift EVER!! Thank Goddess you’re back. You were missed, buddy, and with your encouragement and guidance, maybe we can fuck them ALL in the face (or at the very least, enjoy watching them do it to each other).
Welcome back!!, I echo thousands of others!!, we are relieved you’ve brought your humor among us once again. You are strong, hard working, clever, and very funny!:), and have been greatly missed. In hopes you got some real rest, please pace yourself and take care on the rough roads ahead, the derailment and destruction coming will probably be horrendous and will no doubt be overtaxing and exhausting. Thank you for being here with us..
Notice how small Trump’s hands look when he’s sitting on Musk’s shoulders.
Missed you cap, and nice to see so many other readers did. Speaking of readers, you seem to have some cool ones. Any chance you’d move to Substack so we could commune together (interact)—and subscribe to you in a more formal fashion?