- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The One With the Republican Party’s Hard Turn Against Democracy
Shots in arms. Money in pockets. Smilin’ Joe Biden’s approval rating holdin’ steady, even rising. Shit, if it wasn’t for all the crazed, violent white supremacists poppin’ up all over the place, we’d be on the brink of the best summer ever. Well, let’s chronicle this shit and get on with the weekend, huh?
I see Rick Santorum finally got fired from CNN for being openly, casually white supremacist. That would probably be better news in a country without so many powerful media outlets where you can’t get a job without being openly, casually white supremacist. Still, every time one of these creeps gets taint-punted out of polite society, an angel gets his wings.
Anybody else starting to hear Vincent Price’s voice when they read stories describing what pollsters are learning about the actually-we-LIKE-being-Nazis Republican base? That more than half of ‘em still think Tangerine Idi Amin won the election? That, by the millions, they’re becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of using violence as a handy little America-greatening tool?
Oh, and the cult of QAnon is now as large as a major religion. I would advise against thinking about that as you’re trying to fall asleep.
Life in America is fast becoming this fun lil’ game where you try to get through your day-to-day life without accidentally wandering into one of these maniacs’ line of fire at the moment the maggots finally gnaw through the last cell in the part of the brain that talks you out of homicidal outbursts.
It would be really awesome if I were exaggerating for comic (or even dramatic) effect, but no, little stories like “crazy lady drives SUV into crowded vaccination tent” keep appearing, have you noticed that? The would-be murderess in question here claimed she was “protesting the vaccine.” You can reverse-engineer the way the wingnut media bubble broke this woman’s brain, can’tcha? Lil’ anti-science screeching, lil’ equating-protests-with-violence, and a sprinkle of heavily-publicized-red-state-laws-decriminalizing-vehicular-assault on top. Lots more of this shit to look forward to, folks. Wheeeeee.
Meanwhile Ron DeSantis, in his ongoing quest to prove to MAGA Nation that he and only he is the Fashiest of Them All, signed a demented little law designed to punish social media companies for deplatforming politicians over negligible transgressions like “inciting racist mob violence” and “spreading lethal public health disinformation.” Cool law, Ron.
Republicans’re certainly light on deeply-held principles these days, but expect the years ahead to contain many a crocodile-tear-soaked speech defending the Sacred First Amendment Right to Steal Your Megaphone So I Can Lie Louder. Why lookie here, noted sex trafficker Matthew Louis Gaetz II is already PUBLICLY CALLING FOR MURDER in the name of this entirely-fabricated perceived persecution.
And the path from Straight Fuckin’ Lie to Hey What You Should Do is Go Kill Some Democrats is only gonna keep getting shorter, folks.
Perhaps I’m being unfair. They’ve probably got lotsa principles. Ooo! Here’s one: “Power may only be wielded by our party, and any election results to the contrary, however decisive, are inherently invalid.” And sure, if you nerds want to get all technical about stuff, that’s essentially autocracy, but if you don’t like it, I’m sure we can find a spot for you in a nice, cozy work camp.
In Arizona, Republicans voted to strip the Secretary of State’s office of its powers to oversee elections, but only for the duration of the current term, because Democrat Katie Hobbs currently occupies the post, y’see, having won it in a free and fair election. Hobbs refuses to play ball when it comes to the Big Lie and the poo-flinging howler monkey “audit,” so fuck the will of the electorate that specifically chose her to carry out these duties, right?
Now, gerrymandering allows the minoritarian GOP to seize and hold power in quite a few states, but even so, every now and then, the peasants manage to make their voices heard directly, through statewide ballot measures, and boy howdy, our would-be overlords do not like that shit. So naturally, they’re trying to crush the entire process out of existence, because ruling with the consent of the governed is for CUCKS.
(If you want to see some real Orwell-on-a-meth-bender shit, check out the utterly deranged rationale the Mississippi Supreme Court used to steal folks’ right to govern themselves.)
And then there’s Texas, where the theocrat tyrants runnin’ the joint seem hellbent on translating Pat Robertson’s spank bank directly into legislative text. Abortion laws straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale, gun laws custom-engineered to manufacture mass murder, Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People suppression, even a bit of mindless jingoism thrown in for flavor and still Lt. Governor Dan “Send the Olds to the Soylent Factory Already” Patrick threw a shitfit because his gang of fanatics ran out of time before they could throw any state-mandated anti-transgender discrimination on the campfire.
(By the way, they’re pulling all this culture war crap to chase the liberals out of their steadily-purpling state, to save in turn their precious advantage in the Electoral College.)
San Jose hosted one of the most horrific of 2021’s 232 mass shootings (more by the time you read this, surely), as the nation’s psychotic, domineering gun culture makes up for all those lost months when the global pandemic made it difficult to find crowds large enough to be worthy of slaughter.
Wee Donnie One-Term might not have a political office or a social media platform or a brain capable of figuring out how umbrellas work, but what he does have is a grand jury looking into his history of fiscal fuckery. Seems Manhattan DA Cy Vance has the receipts, (and the tax returns…and Allen Weisselberg’s nuts in a vise…) and you know there’s at least one iPhone screen in Mar-a-Lago cracking to pieces under the panicked pounding of tiny, inadequate fingers attempting to google “an ex-President gets one last pardon, for old time’s sake, right?”
Some folks’re giddy with anticipation, now that Amazon’s acquisition of MGM means Jeff Bezos is (probably) the proud owner of the fabled Apprentice outtakes, allegedly overflowing with footage of Hairplug Himmler openly using slurs instead of his usual dog-whistle-drenched vernacular of plausible deniability. I confess, I doubt the release of these clips would change much; while we’re certainly in no danger of running out of indignant protestations about how maliciously unfair it is to call Republicans racist, you’d have to travel to the most isolated corners of the Amazon (the other one) to find human beings who don’t understand that bigotry is Trump and Trumpism’s SOLE selling point.
There’s something horrifyingly adorable (adorrifying?) about watching once-powerful “traditional” Republicans try to stand up to the out-of-control hate mob their party has become, only to discover every muscle anywhere near the spinal column has atrophied. Minority “Leader” McCarthy managed to sputter out an anemic “hey, couldja do me a solid and stop comparing shit to the Holocaust, Marjorie?” and Q’s favorite congressfreak responded with precisely the sort of grace and contrition any rational person would have seen coming a mile away. I feel like the snake/frog story gets told a lot these days…doesn’t seem to’ve sunk in.
Paul Ryan somehow managed to chirp his own half-assed condemnation of “the populist appeal of one personality,” without the sack to even mention Trump by name, like some sad, trembling, one-chapter Harry Potter character. Gosh Paul, if only you sat on the board of Fox News or somethin’, you might have the power to, I dunno, influence the discourse?
As expected, Senate Republicans successfully filibustered a bipartisan bill that would have created a bipartisan congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th, 2021.
Hmmm. Naw, that ain’t it. If you truly prefer your coverage so milquetoast, watch Chuck Todd*. Here at Shower Cap’s Blog, we strive for something a little more honest. Let’s try this again:
As expected, Senate Republicans, in open collaboration with their increasingly fascist party’s terrorist wing, abused the powers of their offices and Congress’ arcane procedural Calvinball rulebook to cover up their own complicity in the most heinous terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11, because there is nothing, NOTHING they value over their own greasy grip on power; not the security of the homeland, not the values enshrined the U.S. Constitution, not even the lives of the Capitol law enforcement officers who risked and even gave everything to protect their craven asses from the bloodthirsty mob they themselves incited.
What assholes.
Mitch McConnell allegedly asked members of his caucus to vote no as a “personal favor,” and folks, I feel like if you find yourself in relationships with people who ask you to support terrorist violence in service to overthrowing and ending democracy in America, you should probably be big enough to admit that you’ve made some bad choices. Seriously. Please wander out into the desert to wrestle with your shit ASAP, because the point of no return has become distressingly discernible of late.
In a civilized society, not one of these colluding cowards would be able to so much as order a McFlurry without every decent American for miles shouting SHUT YOUR NAZI WHORE MOUTH, TRAITOR in unison until they slink away in shame.
Meanwhile, insurrectionist tooth jockey/sitting U.S. Congressman Paul Gosar wants to make a martyr of Ashli Babbitt, who got her fool ass killed doin’ all that terrorism she chose t’do. Call me old-fashioned, but when I see elected officials in the United States of America behaving like the leaders of ISIS and al-Qaeda, I get a little peevish. Anyway, I’m sure Minority Leader Chamberlain is far too busy not disciplining Gaetz and Taylor Greene to do anything about the other Nazi in his caucus.
So yeah, the theme this week** is that the whole dang Republican Party, top to bottom, is pretty much done with the whole “democracy” thing. You’re unlikely to find any inspirational cat posters in their offices these days, but if you catch ‘em at just the right moment, you’ll notice the glamor shot of Alexander Lukashenko on the edge of the desk, it’s the one they stare at longingly, whispering “soon, soon.”
Have I brought back the ol’ VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS catchphrase yet? Because y’all really need to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, what with dirtbag authoritarianism bein’ on the rise at home and abroad n’ all.
Lordy, that’s more than enough for now. May your weekend bring beer, brats, and meaningful reflection on the rights and responsibilities of American citizenship. I’ll be back to talk about more Nazi shit in a week. Stay safe out there, friends.
PS – I think maybe the Proud Boys are trying to take over the Nevada state GOP but I wasn’t sure I should mention it. Oh, and an event commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre was cancelled over threats of white supremacist violence. But it would be wrong to teach kids in school that America has a racism problem.
*Do not, under any circumstances, actually watch Chuck Todd.
**Kinda like last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. And…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I suggested to my NC Senator Burr that he did proud by his ancestor, Aron Burr, whom murdered Hamilton—w/o prosecution—- as associated with his whipped dog can’t be bothered nonvote for investigation of 1.6.21 RIOT. Ditto Tillis. Triple ditto worthless home schooled college drop out serial molester Madison Cawthorn. If FOR THE PEOPLE bill wld go thru Big Blue Asheville which is gerrymandered in half Re: NC10/11 would CRUSH QUATHORN’s stupid riot inciting ass.
Crazy crap going down, even with Head Crapster dethroned for now, at least. Please keep sounding your horn about midterm voting, cuz it could make the difference between our democracy surviving or not… If the GOP, in their current state, ever regains power, they may arrange to keep it for all time, as the red states are attempting to do now.
You seem to be getting concerned! Good.
We’refucked guy. Pure’n simple.
But there is hope, from the ‘“wrong” corner however.
My hope is in human extinction. Nuttin’ less!
And it will come. And the sooner the better. The planet will be OK, doncha worry. Though it will take a whole lotta millenia. But first HOOMIN’ EXTINCTION!
Dd, there’s a lot to unpack in your apparently simplistic comment. . .
“We’refucked guy” is neither pure or simple, as you attest. While the globs of petrolatum the Anti-Republican Party are smearing on the ass of America is concerning and alarming, a lot of us are measuring the distance needed when they move into position for a series of swift kicks in their shriveled, moldy balls. And that’s presuming they could get it up to begin with, which for most of them is quite an assumption.
And the fact that you state explicitly that your “hope” is from the -wrong- corner is telling. You yourself are stating that your hope for Human extinction is wrong at its base, and while the ARP is busily working toward exactly that, and the sooner the better according to them, it is most assuredly not assured as far as our future goes.
Plus, the planet might not be okay if the ARP is allowed to continue as they have been, since they’ve been silently okaying the poisoning of our ecosystem with some truly toxic shit. . .
All together, your nihilistic and barely legible rant would be sophisticated for a backwards eight-year-old, but anyone who can spell ‘extinction’ should have been able to do better on the rest of it. Which says you’re either an incompetent troll, just trying to incite someone into ranting back at you, or you’re doing industrial-grade drugs at an exceptional level of ingestion.
Or both. Which is okay, I guess, but you should keep to the Daily Stormer, instead of this blog, if you don’t expect to be called out on your crap.
Happy extinction, numbnuts, you should really get back to us on how that whole thing worked out for you. . .
I hate to say it but I have to agree with you. I can’t talk about it with anybody I know – but honestly the sooner this planet is rid of all humans the better it is going to be. I don’t even care that I won’t be around to see it. I want to know that the ecosystem and all the myriad wonderful forms of life that have evolved on this planet are going to have a chance to thrive again.
I don’t relish the idea of humans going extinct, but the stupidity, greed, and ignorance of a too-large percentage of the world’s human population are making it more likely every day. RepubliKKKans must hate their grandchildren because they support policies that will make this planet a literal and figurative hell.
Ya know, Cap, I love your style, (um, writing-wise, that bathrobe and luchador mask could use some revamping in my opinion) and I rarely find anything worth suggesting for revision. However, the line, ” Anyway, I’m sure Minority Leader Chamberlain is far too busy not disciplining Gaetz and Taylor Greene to do anything about the other Nazi in his caucus.” is a serious underreach that is totally unlike you.
Implying that Green, Gaetz and Gosar are the only Nazis in the Anti-Republican Party is sort of like saying there are only three piranha in all of the Amazon River. (And its tributaries, and sub-tributaries, ad infinitum) Most of the Anti-Republican Party are committed Nazis, with a large number of them being so blatant I’m surprised they don’t wear SS pins on their lapels. . .
And their sympathies are with the pedophiles in their midst, if they aren’t actively seeking child hookers on a regular basis themselves. One of the most startling things I’ve seen is how effectively they mobilized the Qanon Kook Klan as an arm of the party that’s most likely to be the exact people the QKK have been warning us about, the satanic pedophiles currently destroying our government from within.
But they’re good at the Orwellian double-speak, I have to give them that. They’ve successfully branded vaccines for a pandemic as evil, Trump as good and Democrats as losers, despite all the actual evidence to the contrary.
And now they’re up in arms about Frank Luntz’ polling as being a scam, when he was always actually about teaching them how to use PsyOps against the citizens of America, to the detriment of Democracy and the storied American Dream.
One of the reasons I enjoy your blog is that I love to rant about the fucking monsters that comprise one of the major political parties in America, the ARP. Or GQP, as some wags have taken to labeling them, which is closer than comfortable to the honest truth. So I not only understand but commiserate with your vocal/written revulsion to what they are*, what they’re doing to our country**, and what they intend for our future***.
Sadly, the soylent factories and nice, cozy work camps are the least of what we can expect if we let these dedicated demolitionists loose in our country, and on our Constitution.
Keep up the good work, Cap, and ignore the new scholarly study that says any amount of alcohol is detrimental to the integrity of the brain. Yours seems to be perking along just fine so far. . .
*, **, *** nothing good. . .
You are so eloquent amongst the poo jokes that you truly blow my socks off, Cap. Socks and hat off to you!
A simple thank you to Mr. Cap and all you who reply. I have no one around me to express my daily frustration at the world’s situation. It helps to know that you all are out there!
What she said
As for Upchuck Todd. Fortunately, when he comes on at MSNBC I quickly change the channel to Price is Right. I’m pretty much stuck at home so TV is my background noise.
Thanks, Cap, and all commenters. It’s good to know I’m not the only one watching in abject horror as our country is attacked so viciously from within. (And with a lot of assistance and encouragement from Putin & friends, of course.)
“Do not, under any circumstances, actually watch Chuck Todd.”
“Oh, and the cult of QAnon is now as large as a major religion. I would advise against thinking about that as you’re trying to fall asleep.”
Cap is a brilliant chronicler of our increasingly weird multiverse. But Cap also is a helper giving good advice that is useful and healthy. Yes, Chuckie and the Q’s are harmful to your health. I also want to be a helper and give some good advice.
Republicans/QAnon terrorists are passing laws to censor “Critical Race Theory”. That “theory” is the history of oppression and slavery and racism against poor minorities by wealthy “white” men which has been a foundation of American history since 1619.
So I have an idea. Let the Democrats pass laws banning QAnon. This very racist and criminal organization regularly slanders, and even physically attacks anyone who is not a supporter of Vladmir Putin, or the Former Maggot President. The Q’s are liars and insurrectionists and murderers. And we should also censor the Nazi supporters in Congress, such as Cawthorn. I know it is censorship, which I never supported previously. But the Q’s have 6 members on the Supreme Court and they will support censorship and Jim Crow, because the Supreme Court always has supported Slavery and Jim Crow. And at least one member Clarence Thomas, supported the Insurrection. We should give as good as we get when the Q’s attack. The Q’s will attack again. And there will be blood.
I’m pretty sure that humans should be classified as an invasive species on this planet. Especially some shitty white people…hang in there, Cap. What you’re doing is probably pointless in the big picture, but you are insightful and filthily funny!
“I’m a simple marine. Why can’t what happened in Minimar[sic] happen here? No reason. It should happen here,” says the Insurrectionist Flynn, as he promotes a fascist dictatorship.
Ha Ha. Benedict Arnold Flynn plays the stupid card. Traitor Flynn knows that the nation of “Myanmar”, suffered a brutal, fascist military dictatorship, and he knows how to pronounce “Mee-An-Mar”. But you must catapult the Stupid to the QAnons, to keep credibility. Same as TurdMaggot always mis-spelling tweets. So the former President Turdmaggot and his deplorable maggot army, catapults the Stupid for the Oath Keeping Proud Boy QAnons. “And the Earth is flat.” “Bigfoot is real.” “The 1619 Project poses a particular danger to America.” “Vaccines are the same as the holocaust.” And Insurrectionist Boebert has a Stupid: “Vaccine lottery raffle sounds a lot like ‘Hey little girl, I got some candy if you come with me.'”
But the Deep State counter attacks. The other Vindman twin brother wants to be a helper also.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/yevgeny-vindman-prosecute-flynn-coup-b1857174.html
Lieutenant Colonel Yevgeny “Eugene” Vindman, a US Army officer fired and derided by Donald Trump, said he would be willing to prosecute a court martial of Michael Flynn, the former president’s one-time national security adviser, over comments he made suggesting he wanted to see a coup in the US similar to the one that took place in Myanmar.