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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

The One With the Republican Party’s Hard Turn Against Democracy

Friday, May 28th, 2021

 

Shots in arms. Money in pockets. Smilin’ Joe Biden’s approval rating holdin’ steady, even rising. Shit, if it wasn’t for all the crazed, violent white supremacists poppin’ up all over the place, we’d be on the brink of the best summer ever. Well, let’s chronicle this shit and get on with the weekend, huh?

I see Rick Santorum finally got fired from CNN for being openly, casually white supremacist. That would probably be better news in a country without so many powerful media outlets where you can’t get a job without being openly, casually white supremacist. Still, every time one of these creeps gets taint-punted out of polite society, an angel gets his wings.

Anybody else starting to hear Vincent Price’s voice when they read stories describing what pollsters are learning about the actually-we-LIKE-being-Nazis Republican base?  That more than half of ‘em still think Tangerine Idi Amin won the election? That, by the millions, they’re becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of using violence as a handy little America-greatening tool?

Oh, and the cult of QAnon is now as large as a major religion. I would advise against thinking about that as you’re trying to fall asleep.

Life in America is fast becoming this fun lil’ game where you try to get through your day-to-day life without accidentally wandering into one of these maniacs’ line of fire at the moment the maggots finally gnaw through the last cell in the part of the brain that talks you out of homicidal outbursts.

It would be really awesome if I were exaggerating for comic (or even dramatic) effect, but no, little stories like “crazy lady drives SUV into crowded vaccination tent” keep appearing, have you noticed that? The would-be murderess in question here claimed she was “protesting the vaccine.” You can reverse-engineer the way the wingnut media bubble broke this woman’s brain, can’tcha? Lil’ anti-science screeching, lil’ equating-protests-with-violence, and a sprinkle of heavily-publicized-red-state-laws-decriminalizing-vehicular-assault on top. Lots more of this shit to look forward to, folks. Wheeeeee.

Meanwhile Ron DeSantis, in his ongoing quest to prove to MAGA Nation that he and only he is the Fashiest of Them All, signed a demented little law designed to punish social media companies for deplatforming politicians over negligible transgressions like “inciting racist mob violence” and “spreading lethal public health disinformation.” Cool law, Ron.

Republicans’re certainly light on deeply-held principles these days, but expect the years ahead to contain many a crocodile-tear-soaked speech defending the Sacred First Amendment Right to Steal Your Megaphone So I Can Lie Louder. Why lookie here, noted sex trafficker Matthew Louis Gaetz II is already PUBLICLY CALLING FOR MURDER in the name of this entirely-fabricated perceived persecution.

And the path from Straight Fuckin’ Lie to Hey What You Should Do is Go Kill Some Democrats is only gonna keep getting shorter, folks. 

Perhaps I’m being unfair. They’ve probably got lotsa principles. Ooo! Here’s one: “Power may only be wielded by our party, and any election results to the contrary, however decisive, are inherently invalid.” And sure, if you nerds want to get all technical about stuff, that’s essentially autocracy, but if you don’t like it, I’m sure we can find a spot for you in a nice, cozy work camp.

In Arizona, Republicans voted to strip the Secretary of State’s office of its powers to oversee elections, but only for the duration of the current term, because Democrat Katie Hobbs currently occupies the post, y’see, having won it in a free and fair election. Hobbs refuses to play ball when it comes to the Big Lie and the poo-flinging howler monkey “audit,” so fuck the will of the electorate that specifically chose her to carry out these duties, right?

Now, gerrymandering allows the minoritarian GOP to seize and hold power in quite a few states, but even so, every now and then, the peasants manage to make their voices heard directly, through statewide ballot measures, and boy howdy, our would-be overlords do not like that shit. So naturally, they’re trying to crush the entire process out of existence, because ruling with the consent of the governed is for CUCKS.

(If you want to see some real Orwell-on-a-meth-bender shit, check out the utterly deranged rationale the Mississippi Supreme Court used to steal folks’ right to govern themselves.)

And then there’s Texas, where the theocrat tyrants runnin’ the joint seem hellbent on translating Pat Robertson’s spank bank directly into legislative text. Abortion laws straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale, gun laws custom-engineered to manufacture mass murder, Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People suppression, even a bit of mindless jingoism thrown in for flavor and still Lt. Governor Dan “Send the Olds to the Soylent Factory Already” Patrick threw a shitfit because his gang of fanatics ran out of time before they could throw any state-mandated anti-transgender discrimination on the campfire.

(By the way, they’re pulling all this culture war crap to chase the liberals out of their steadily-purpling state, to save in turn their precious advantage in the Electoral College.)

San Jose hosted one of the most horrific of 2021’s 232 mass shootings (more by the time you read this, surely), as the nation’s psychotic, domineering gun culture makes up for all those lost months when the global pandemic made it difficult to find crowds large enough to be worthy of slaughter.

Wee Donnie One-Term might not have a political office or a social media platform or a brain capable of figuring out how umbrellas work, but what he does have is a grand jury looking into his history of fiscal fuckery. Seems Manhattan DA Cy Vance has the receipts, (and the tax returns…and Allen Weisselberg’s nuts in a vise…) and you know there’s at least one iPhone screen in Mar-a-Lago cracking to pieces under the panicked pounding of tiny, inadequate fingers attempting to google “an ex-President gets one last pardon, for old time’s sake, right?”

Some folks’re giddy with anticipation, now that Amazon’s acquisition of MGM means Jeff Bezos is (probably) the proud owner of the fabled Apprentice outtakes, allegedly overflowing with footage of Hairplug Himmler openly using slurs instead of his usual dog-whistle-drenched vernacular of plausible deniability. I confess, I doubt the release of these clips would change much; while we’re certainly in no danger of running out of indignant protestations about how maliciously unfair it is to call Republicans racist, you’d have to travel to the most isolated corners of the Amazon (the other one) to find human beings who don’t understand that bigotry is Trump and Trumpism’s SOLE selling point.

There’s something horrifyingly adorable (adorrifying?) about watching once-powerful “traditional” Republicans try to stand up to the out-of-control hate mob their party has become, only to discover every muscle anywhere near the spinal column has atrophied. Minority “Leader” McCarthy managed to sputter out an anemic “hey, couldja do me a solid and stop comparing shit to the Holocaust, Marjorie?” and Q’s favorite congressfreak responded with precisely the sort of grace and contrition any rational person would have seen coming a mile away. I feel like the snake/frog story gets told a lot these days…doesn’t seem to’ve sunk in.

Paul Ryan somehow managed to chirp his own half-assed condemnation of “the populist appeal of one personality,” without the sack to even mention Trump by name, like some sad, trembling, one-chapter Harry Potter character. Gosh Paul, if only you sat on the board of Fox News or somethin’, you might have the power to, I dunno, influence the discourse?

As expected, Senate Republicans successfully filibustered a bipartisan bill that would have created a bipartisan congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th, 2021.

Hmmm. Naw, that ain’t it. If you truly prefer your coverage so milquetoast, watch Chuck Todd*. Here at Shower Cap’s Blog, we strive for something a little more honest. Let’s try this again:

As expected, Senate Republicans, in open collaboration with their increasingly fascist party’s terrorist wing, abused the powers of their offices and Congress’ arcane procedural Calvinball rulebook to cover up their own complicity in the most heinous terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11, because there is nothing, NOTHING they value over their own greasy grip on power; not the security of the homeland, not the values enshrined the U.S. Constitution, not even the lives of the Capitol law enforcement officers who risked and even gave everything to protect their craven asses from the bloodthirsty mob they themselves incited.

What assholes.

Mitch McConnell allegedly asked members of his caucus to vote no as a “personal favor,” and folks, I feel like if you find yourself in relationships with people who ask you to support terrorist violence in service to overthrowing and ending democracy in America, you should probably be big enough to admit that you’ve made some bad choices. Seriously. Please wander out into the desert to wrestle with your shit ASAP, because the point of no return has become distressingly discernible of late.

In a civilized society, not one of these colluding cowards would be able to so much as order a McFlurry without every decent American for miles shouting SHUT YOUR NAZI WHORE MOUTH, TRAITOR in unison until they slink away in shame.

Meanwhile, insurrectionist tooth jockey/sitting U.S. Congressman Paul Gosar wants to make a martyr of Ashli Babbitt, who got her fool ass killed doin’ all that terrorism she chose t’do. Call me old-fashioned, but when I see elected officials in the United States of America behaving like the leaders of ISIS and al-Qaeda, I get a little peevish. Anyway, I’m sure Minority Leader Chamberlain is far too busy not disciplining Gaetz and Taylor Greene to do anything about the other Nazi in his caucus.

So yeah, the theme this week** is that the whole dang Republican Party, top to bottom, is pretty much done with the whole “democracy” thing. You’re unlikely to find any inspirational cat posters in their offices these days, but if you catch ‘em at just the right moment, you’ll notice the glamor shot of Alexander Lukashenko on the edge of the desk, it’s the one they stare at longingly, whispering “soon, soon.”

Have I brought back the ol’ VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS catchphrase yet? Because y’all really need to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, what with dirtbag authoritarianism bein’ on the rise at home and abroad n’ all.

Lordy, that’s more than enough for now. May your weekend bring beer, brats, and meaningful reflection on the rights and responsibilities of American citizenship. I’ll be back to talk about more Nazi shit in a week. Stay safe out there, friends.

PS – I think maybe the Proud Boys are trying to take over the Nevada state GOP but I wasn’t sure I should mention it. Oh, and an event commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre was cancelled over threats of white supremacist violence. But it would be wrong to teach kids in school that America has a racism problem.

*Do not, under any circumstances, actually watch Chuck Todd.

**Kinda like last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. And… 

Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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