Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ted Cruz’s Musings on Masculinity In the Military? Oh, My Wish Came True.
I am absolutely lovin’ vaccinated life, folks. I keep going back to the normalcy buffet for extra helpings…you’d think I’d be full to bursting by now, but it turns out I’m just insatiable for the stuff. So much nicer than 2020’s incessant shitstorm. What’s that? Mold-crazed, psychotically horny, buttless cicadas, you say? Well. Just this once, let’s retreat to the relative sanity of domestic politics…
Seems that when Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t busy inciting terrorism or pelting co-workers with her own feces, she enjoys engaging in a bit of recreational property tax fraud, how populist! See, Cult45’s highest-ranking clergy are always, ALWAYS cheap (and utterly transparent) grifters, and frankly, I’d love to go back to chuckling condescendingly at the ease at which these rubes are parted from their money without worrying about their ever-increasing potential for genocidal violence.
But it would appear that option is unavailable at this time.
You know something’s up whenever Axios publishes anything that takes longer than fourteen seconds to read, and the latest installment of their Off the Rails (ew, branding) series was an indeed stirring tale of a floundering tyrant in decline, testing the fences to see just how much last-minute shitbaggery the Pentagon would let him get away with. You read it, and you side with the brass, of course, and then you realize you’re cheering for a vast, immovable, utterly unaccountable military bureaucracy with the power to defy Presidents and that’s perhaps slightly less than bangarang, but holy crud, the shit these goons tried to pull during the but-mom-I-don’t-want-a-transition period was FUCKED UP, my friends, and on balance, it’s probably best they were stopped. I think.
Y’all know I’ve been an enthusiastic Biden booster from jump street, but I’ve decided to go full MAGA now that I know about Uncle Joe’s dastardly commu-socialist plot to deny Chick-fil-A the special sauce that makes their garbage food taste extra bigotty. I’m only grateful that a true patriot like Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt took time out of his busy day doing fuckall for his constituents to bring this matter to my attention. MAKE SAUCE AMERICA AGAIN, goddammit.
As Merrick Garland blast-cleans the Department of Justice, we’re learning more and more about the rot that crept in, unchecked, under Barr and Sessions and that toilet fellow, who probably had a name, and perhaps even still does, but honestly, who gives a fuck?
For starters, they not-at-all-autocratically obtained a CNN reporter’s phone records, (hardly the only example of this particular breed of fuckery, by the way) as part of the attempted crackdown on the deluge of leaks that made Government Cheese Goebbels look like a blithering fool but he sure fixed that problem anyway remember when he stood in front of God and whole dang world and said EUREKA DRINK BLEACH?
And then it turned out ol’ Bilious Bill Barr got himself a grand jury subpoena to unmask an anonymous Twitter account dedicated to mocking Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, arguably the most mockable lump of corruption, asininity, and obsequiousness in all creation.
I read that shit, and a wave of sickening nostalgia washed over me; I confess it’d slipped my mind, the way these massive abuses of power were so often perpetrated in service to the pettiest whims of the dumpster flies who swarmed around that fetid turdpile that was allowed to accumulate behind the Resolute desk.
Maybe it’s just because of lingering cartoon stereotypes about German efficiency, but I always assumed Nazis would be, like, unusually competent, y’know? Having lived through the last five years, I understand now, of course they’re gonna be the mouth-breathingest fuckups on the planet, that’s why they need all the lying and violence in the first place. Learning that lesson sure has been fun, huh?
America’s theocratic jackals slobbered extra-menacingly this week as their stalking circle around Roe v. Wade drew tighter than ever, now that the Supreme Court has taken a case that will allow the new, Amy Coney Barrett-infused fanatic majority to strut its newfound freedom from John Roberts’ periodic bouts of common sense. Anyway, if there are any 2016 third party voters out there, please know I’d still truly love to lock you in a Lollapalooza outhouse and roll you down the largest hill I can find.
Rudy Giuliani’s idiot manchild kid is running for Governor of New York, strongly suggesting that addiction to public humiliation is hereditary. It took Son of Cousin-Fucker almost a whole day to self-define as a blowhard who never quite got over the educational hurdle men call “counting,” so maybe don’t hold your breath on that state-level pardon, Dotard. Oh, and bad news, kid, the secret to electoral success was probably on one of the eighteen devices th’feds seized from your dirtbag dad in that raid the other day.
Did somebody say pardon? Because yeah, the New York Attorney General’s investigation into the Trump Organization has gone CRIMINAL, BAY-BEEEEEEE! Details are slight at present, but perhaps all the loose change I’ve been tossing into shopping mall fountains, accompanied by fiercely whispered wishes that I live to see Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot die, destitute and alone, in a federal prison cell, is finally paying off.
Anyway, if I can revisit the theme of “dangerously unqualified idiot thugs running for high office in search of terrifying amounts of personal power,” Mike “the Pink Polo Commando” McCloskey apparently hopes to ride the internet celebrity born of waving a semi-automatic rifle at strangers for having the audacity to Exist Near His House While Possessing Insufficiently White Skin all the way to the United States Senate. The entire rationale behind the campaign amounts to DON’TCHA THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MURDER BLACK PEOPLE IF THEY GET TOO CLOSE TO YOUR LAWN and the skeevy motherfucker STILL might be a better pick than Greitens.
You guys, I don’t mean to cast aspersions, but I’m starting to think maybe 622 or 623 of the GOP’s 3,597 Benghazi hearings may’ve been cynical political exercises rather than good faith attempts to identify and correct flaws in global embassy security. I mention this because “Should we investigate a terrorist attack on our nation’s Capitol or nah?” is the hottest debate going in American politics, and I say “debate” because this shit is somehow controversial, on account of the way one of our major political parties has an active terrorist wing now. Turns out living in history kinda sucks.
Now, on a certain level, I understand it’s unreasonable to expect courage, decency, or a thimbleful of love of country from these cowering collaborators; I simply beg for deliverance from the fucking theatre. Literally everyone understands what’s going on here: you won’t allow a congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th because doing so would shine a great big ugly spotlight on what your party has become, namely a murderous mob in the thrall of an uncommonly unintelligent game show host. The melodramatic quiver in your voice as you stammer through this latest bullshit excuse for your cravenness embarrasses everyone.
South Dakota Senator John Thune at least admitted his opposition to (checks notes) fighting terrorism is rooted in partisan politics; so points for honesty, if not integrity. Casual disloyalty to the USA aside, one cannot help but chuckle darkly at the Senator’s insistence that the Grand Old Death Cult wants to focus on the issues ahead of the coming midterm elections; Thuney me lad, you are a proud member of the party whose entire policy platform during the last presidential election read “whatever Daddy says he wants,” so why don’t we agree to leave you and your invertebrate colleagues to your boot-licking while the grown-ups keep cleaning up your messes, k?
You knew Kevin McCarthy wouldn’t be able to resist such a perfect opportunity to slather himself in disgrace and dishonor; his decision to not only oppose the creation of a January 6th commission, but to whip his caucus to vote against it resulted in the trademark hodgepodge of dereliction of duty and mortifying defeat that will surely come to define this new McCarthyism, assuming any of us live long enough to record the history of these batguano-drenched times.
(Quick side note: I feel like if you have to flee in terror from questions like “Say, bro, was anybody on your team in contact with that terrorist mob while they were doin’ all that terrorism?” you might not be Speaker material, but I understand standards are different* on your side of the aisle.)
Jokes aside, what’s going on in my country these days is the elected officials of the Republican Party are taking the side of, and all but working in tandem with domestic terrorists because they’re afraid of losing the terrorists’ votes. And I get that being a Senator is fun, and all that power must be intoxicating, but kids, y’all need to sit down with a playlist of songs about looking in the mirror and work your shit out, because the path you are walking ends in bloodshed, and quite a lot of it. Please, please stop, before you set the whole damn world on fire.
No doubt seduced by the raw matinee idol sex appeal of Jim Risch, voters in several rural Oregon counties are trying to secede and join the Holy Idahoan Empire, where Wee Donnie One-Term still reigns as Turd Emperor, and education is a filthy word. Honestly, everyone might be better off if we just let these antisocial assclowns establish their precious Dumbfuckistan someplace, build a great big wall around it, and airdrop a few crates of Trump steaks and MyPillows every six weeks.
The Arizona election “audit” continues, under the watchful eye of the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Understudy Squad. Even better news, this drooling shitweasel clusterfuck has started to inspire wannabe copycat audits, thanks to the unceasing barrage of disinformation pumped into every American home via impotent, overmatched social media platforms and greedy, amoral cable bundlers. Television and the internet had such awesome potential to elevate humanity but, dim-witted apes that we are, we’ve decided we’d rather use ‘em to commit suicide-by-swarms-of-brainwashed-idiots.
Ted Cruz despises America so much, he just couldn’t stop himself from spreading Russian propaganda disparaging the United States Armed Forces as “emasculated,” bold words for a dude who spilts his time between Cancún and an Airbnb up the ass of the dude who called his wife ugly.
Ted has been pulling this shit more or less constantly of late, in a feeble attempt to appear “Trumpy,” which of course won’t work, but I guess they don’t teach self-awareness at Harvard Law, so he’s just going to keep on debasing himself and debasing himself and I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining.
Infrastructure negotiations between the Biden Administration and the Senate GOP hit a snag over the White House’s insistence that the bill actually help the American people, while Republicans hold firm to their longstanding position that the filthy takers should shut their worthless serf mouths unless they’re expressing gratitude that they haven’t yet been shoveled into the furnace aboard some DeVos family yacht like they deserve.
It’s probably not good news when you find out your ex-girlfriend is cooperating with the federal investigation into sex trafficking allegations against you, but I suppose we should ask Matt Gaetz to find out for sure. Yes, Mattward, there’re just loads of similarities between your situation and the allocation of earmarks, but I imagine the jury will find a few key differences.
Fuckin’ YIKES, y’all. I think we’ve earned our weekend. Everybody out there’s already vaccinated, right? I don’t need to be all responsible and shit and use my juvenile platform here to advocate for vaccination, right? We can all just get to our drinking now, right?