Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s for life” would pretty much cover the major headlines from any given day these last few weeks. Well, let’s dive in anyhow, who knows what fresh hells await us…

This might seem like a weird question, but of my audience…how many of y’all are Confederate monuments? I only ask because the current sitting President’s re-election campaign seems to be laser-focused on your needs, and curiously uninterested in the affairs of the living (chump) humans who’re dying of COVID-19 by the tens of thousands.

Maybe we should start thinking strategically here. Maybe instead of tearing these statues down, we should USE them. Y’know, install a hidden speaker, hook it up to a recording that goes “I’m Nathan Bedford Forrest, and I think we should FUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD!” Make Doc Dotard’s latest delusional obsession work for us, see?

Facing the sort of polling that makes you hope, for Mark Meadows’ sake, that the West Wing stocked up on adult diapers before the pandemic hit, Tangerine Idi Amin spent Independence Day weekend skulking around the country, periodically delivering long, boring, hate-drenched teleprompter speeches about…fuck, I can’t pay attention when he drones on and on like that, about whatever fabricated horrors he wants his idiot base to fear and loathe this week. One of them was apparently at Mount Rushmore. Whatever.

As these speeches demonstrate, Stephen Miller’s ongoing attempts to be uplifting and inspiring are going about as well as you’d expect, considering his soul is made of chewed gum and the concentrated self-loathing of every subpar white dude in American history. You wouldn’t hire Seb Gorka to adapt Mr. Smith Goes to Washington into a musical, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, if America really is as shitty as the apocalyptic hellscape you’re so desperate to paint, why the FUCK would we re-elect the incompetent crotch sniffers who haven’t done anything about it after three years in power? AMERICAN CARNAGE PART DEUX: Still Completely Fucked, Better Hire Me to Golf Some More.

I see Son of Shart’s grifter girlfriend has acquired more cooties than even the first part of this sentence would imply, somehow catching the ‘rona despite brainlessly flaunting CDC recommendations and engaging in what’s widely understood to be high-risk behavior OH GOD HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN. Amazingly, neither this infection nor any of the others that’ve popped up around Team Turdworm’s stubbornly maskless events have caused any slight turn towards safer behavior, because the plan is still to trick people into forgetting about COVID by…catching COVID I guess; look, if you want things to make sense read a fucking novel.

Fuck Kanye West, not for “running for President,” which is he is absolutely not doing, but for tweeting that he was running for President, launching ten thousand of the dumbest think pieces in the history of the movement that’s slowly, steadily replacing journalism with hackery and hawt takes, oh surely you’re exaggerating Cap it’s not like a chronically mediocre inanity geyser like Chris Cillizza is one of the media’s highest-paid figures or anything OH WAIT.

I see Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn celebrated his successful perversion of the American justice system by pledging allegiance to the dangerous, y’all-don’t-even-VISIT-reality-anymore-do-ya? QAnon movement, which is…I mean, we get some pretty zany news ‘round these parts, but let’s back up for a minute and acknowledge how insane this is. Dude was the NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR. Maybe the biggest scandal in a life that’s basically a scandal sandwich using two slices of scandal for bread is that a drooling maniac like this was ever entrusted with any classified intelligence at all, let alone hired by a know-nothing novice to run the entire national security apparatus for him. Holy fuckballs.

Alas, we have been thwarted by the clever propagandists at Fux Nooz yet again, comrades! In cropping the leering image of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops out of a photograph with Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, they have forever destroyed any connection between the world’s two most famous sexual abusers in the public mind! These masters of disinformation certainly didn’t draw exponentially more attention to the Trump-Epstein connection with their clumsy stunt, and now the truth is fore’er lost. Leaving Melania in the picture was a particular stroke of genius, because…um…becaaaauuuuuuuuse LOOK, A SQUIRREL! (scampers away.)

Hey, if Shart Garfunkel can change the subject by talking about flags and statues, so can I.

Seriously, tracking Gameshow Goebbels’ words and actions, you’d never know there was a pandemic, or a massive nationwide movement against institutional racism and police violence, or an economic crisis featuring unemployment numbers unseen since the Great Depression; no, you could be forgiven for thinking there just isn’t much on America’s mind these days beyond a Capra-esque nostalgia for treasonous losers and the emblems that commemorate them.

Which would explain why the Adderall-Addled Assclown is spending his time attacking NASCAR from the right on the Confederate Flag. Now, I knew I’d write some weird shit when I started this blog, but that last sentence is melting my damn brain.

Anyhoo, the idea seems to be that voters will forget about the fact that they can’t go to a movie or a restaurant without risking their lives and instead percolate in rage that folks’re tearing down monuments to a defeated army that waged war on the United States. Now, this is the fruit of very same brain that installed Ben Carson at HUD, so we’re actually seeing a fairly consistent level of problem-solving prowess here.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem certainly seems happy to sing from whatever hymnal her Turd Emperor drops in front of her, dutifully bellowing some tortured horseshit about how taking down these statues somehow “discredits” the nation’s “founding principles,” apparently in some Super Secret Extra-Discredit-y Way that’s even worse than (checks notes) treasonously taking up arms against the nation and its principles, and ultimately getting your ass absolutely fucking BEAT.

Still, let it not be said that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s reality-challenged messaging isn’t trickling down to the freedumb-crazed mob; how else do you explain the doofus militia that showed up to an obviously phony flag-burning jamboree at Gettysburg, ready to do battle with the Still Fictitious Antifa Hordes That Never Show Up Because They Don’t Exist. Folks, if it ever does come to civil war, I feel like we’ll be able to take care of these guys with a couple of phony Facebook groups and one cartoonishly large sheet of flypaper.

Moving on, the…oh good gravy, another one? Apologies for the repetitiveness of tonight’s post, but I guess we’re not quite done talking about statues yet. The Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus sent out a fundraising email vowing to protect the famous Cristo Redentor statue…in Brazil, which is where it…y’know, IS. Antifa was totally gonna fuck that shit up on our big spring break trip, and when I find out who leaked this, you’re officially uninvited to Operation: Jade Helm 2, when we’re gonna break into Mark and Patricia McCloskey’s house and rub our genitals all over every inch of the place.

I see the ICEstapo have seized upon the coronavirus crisis to further their state-sponsored terror campaign, threatening to deport any international students whose universities switch to online-only classes. It’s fucking White Nationalist Calvinball with these creeps, next week it’ll be “you’re gone if your favorite Ninja Turtle is Raphael.”

Well, we’re finally getting a little transparency on the PPP loans, aka the slop trough the Eat Shit Plebs Administration set out for their plutocrat chums, and it looks like all the leading hogs got their fill; the Daily Caller, various associates of the Kushner family and other powerful Republicrooks, even principled opponents of government handouts like Grover Norquist, and, tee fucking hee, the Ayn Rand Institute. Hey, if anybody out there still imagines conservatives hold any beliefs beyond seizing power for its own sake, I’d give you a hug, but it’s not safe.

Brazilian President’s Jair Bolsanaro’s campaign to intimidate COVID-19 into submission with dumbfuck braggadocio has been going pretty fucking badly for his constituents so far, and now he’s caught the little fucker himself. Good. Hope it really fucking sucks, Jair. Hope your dick falls right off. (I’m not a doctor, is that a symptom? It should be, if only in this one case.) It’s tempting to believe the virus targeted Bolsanaro to punish him for his reckless arrogance, but the truth is, it’s just a virus doing virus things, merrily leaping to any available host too stupid/macho to wear a fucking mask.

Days after the Russian bounties scandal broke, the Velveeta Vulgarian is finally furious…that the public learned about it! Yes, the hunt is on for the patriots who leaked word of the President’s treachery to the American people, but of course we can’t interrupt the weekly golf vacations long enough to get a quick “Hey Vlad, stop paying terrorists to murder our troops” out of the doddering old buttpimple.

Well, the early snippets from Mary Trump’s book have arrived, and the new stories all seem very in-character for the narcissistic rage beast who has been vomiting poison into all our minds these last four years. Paid somebody to take his SATs for him? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honestly I’d be more surprised to learn he ever accomplished anything on his own. Think about it, what little shit he actually does for himself these days…tying his necktie, speaking English, drinking water…he’s not any good at anything, is he?

Georgia Senator/Pandemic Profiteer Kelly Loeffler, who co-owns the WNBA’s Atlanta Dream, (apparently as a sort of hobby, to help her unwind from all the insider trading and white-supremacy-preserving work she does at her day job) tried to talk the league into backtracking on their decision to allow players to wear warm-up jerseys with the phrase “Black Lives Matter,” because she’s got a tough primary coming up against mouth-breathing wingnut Doug Collins, and golly, won’t watching those two human skidmarks try to out-racist one another be a show? Barf.

And I see the Shart Administration’s withdrawal of the US from the World Health Organization is official now, which is fitting, I suppose, since our government no longer believes in health, the world, or organization.

Statues and hatred, hatred and statues, blah blah blah blah blah. I’m gonna do the next blog early, Mad Libs-style, just to save time. (Presidential nickname) rage-tweeted at (Black celebrity athlete) for supporting the removal of a statue of (dead fascist loser). Actually, that should carry us into at least August with minimal effort. More drinking time. Anyhow, stay safe, you.