Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Today, Jason Spencer is a Raving Maniac, Screaming Slurs While Chasing a Man with his Bare Ass. In 2024, He Will Be the Republican Nominee for President.
Anybody else holding out hope that one morning, you’ll wake up in your bed back on the farm in Kansas, with Aunt Em and Uncle Henry and three farmhands who look suspiciously like Adam Schiff, Robert Mueller, and Rachel Maddow huddled around you, and maybe that night you even celebrate your recovery by butchering the mean old hog with…suspiciously familiar features?
No? Just me?
So we’ve got this thing with the Trump/Cohen tapes. I think I’m supposed to say “Lordy there are tapes” because back in the day Jazzy Jim Comey was all, “Lordy I hope there are tapes” so every time a story about any kind of recording pops up now, everybody says “Lordy” but maybe I should try to do better, like “Lordy Lordy look who’s forty!” only that would only work if there were like, EXACTLY forty tapes, so what about, “Sex, lies, and audiotapes!” or “Michael Cohen: Lord(y) of the Tapes! One Tape to Rule Them All! And like, Avenetti is Frodo, or maybe Aragorn is better, or…
…or maybe I should drop it and move on. There are some tapes. Mikey and Donnie are in the early stages of a Clueless-worthy friendship breakup that might just wind up bringing down a Presidency. Lordy.
Hey, before we go any further, a quick reminder that, due to a toxic cocktail of racist cruelty and unforgivable incompetence, hundreds of children in U.S. custody remain separated from their families. Much like the abandonment of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, this unspeakable crime against humanity is quickly becoming just another fact of life under this dirtbag regime. Please don’t allow this atrocity to become normalized, and please don’t stop fighting.
Ok, we can get back to gags now.
Here’s one: DNI Dan Coats was accused of “going rogue” by high-ranking Shart House officials because he sat down with a journalist for a little while and was more or less honest. Yes, America, your ruling party equates truth with betrayal. That’s just how things are in this Orwell-by-way-of-Jeff-Foxworthy nightmare.
You might want to check out the traditional weekend Everybody’s Leakin’ at Me behind-the-scenes round-up from the Washington Post. The President remains perplexed that his record of failure and treason hasn’t been met with widespread praise. Fun detail this week: Mr. Tuff Boy gets pissy when a reporter is allowed to ask him a difficult question. Strength!
Seems one of Serial Pedophile Roy Moore’s biggest backers, who happens to be the very same scumfuck Sheriff who enriched himself by pocketed funds meant to feed inmates, finds himself accused of swapping drugs for sex with teenage girls. Y’know, I’m starting to think that maybe there are a few problems with the law enforcement community down in Alabama.
Looks like the “Manhattan Madame” has been contacted by the Mueller investigation to testify, probably about her good buddy Roger Stone, and by the way I guess Roger Stone is close friends with a procurer of prostitutes, which explains his ascension to the highest ranks of the conservative movement. Um…there’s really not much to this story, but sex sells, right? ARE YOU NOT TITILLATED? While you’re all aroused n’ shit, I guess I’ll sneak in a link to my tip jar.
The Giant Bonehead Trade War is going swimmingly, so long as you ignore the mound of stories about the economic fallout piling up like the billions of pounds of unpurchased meat and poultry accumulating in warehouses, just the latest example of an American industry enduring a senseless crotch-stomping thanks to Boss Shart’s petulant tariff-flinging.
Luckily, our Field Marshall in this struggle is that Eisenhower of the Economy, the Baron of Bankruptcy himself! Dumbshit says, and probably even believes, that stock market gains, already vanishing due to his reckless fiscal fuckery, give him some sort of fanciful breathing room to throw wrenches into the global economy, because “we’re playing with the bank’s money,” you see.
Everybody got that? If you happen to be a worker laid off from Missouri’s Mid Continent Nail Corporation, or an Iowa soybean farmer wondering how you’ll make ends meet this year, or a Harley-Davidson worker watching your job take an extended European vacation, your LIFE is “the bank’s money” to your President. A meaningless plaything for a blithering man-baby to toss about in a pudding-brained bid to demonstrate “strength.”
Lindsey Graham bravely states that he’s “willing to accept some pain” for the sake of his Turd Emperor’s idiotic experiment. Of course, the good Senator won’t be the one experiencing the pain, losing the job, missing the rent payment, choosing whether to buy the children’s school supplies or the life-saving medicine. That’s YOUR job, peasants.
Well at least the Accidental Poosquirt’s shitty made-in-China MAGA hats are another trade war causality. The world may be falling apart before my eyes, but shit like that keeps me laughing like some leashed jester in a Mad Max movie.
So, President Crotchvoid’s tenure in office has been marked by blundering failure after blundering failure, from multiple botched Obamacare repeal attempts to somehow managing to get thoroughly conned by a clownish little thug like Kim Jong-un.
Of course, this all-too-reliable incompetence usually carries negative, even tragic consequences for the country and the world, but when you see it applied to the Velveeta Vulgarian’s pathetic attempts at personal legal defense, it’s refreshingly hilarious.
Take, for example, the historic self-own of releasing the Carter Page FISA authorization documents. I guess the idea was to undercut the Mueller investigation, or discredit the FBI, or…something, but what the release actually accomplished was proving that Fat Q*Bert’s desperate spin was 100% Grade A fortified horse manure all along, that Devin Nunes is a lackey and liar, and frankly shitty at both, that Carter Page abso-fucking-lutely deserved to be under surveillance, and that Democrats have been telling the truth from the beginning. Like, can any of the Dotard’s lawyers even read?
Of course, everyone on Team Treason, from the President’s state media toadies to congressional enablers like Jim “Look the Other Way” Jordan, proclaimed complete exoneration, confident their zombie audience would merrily scarf down whatever plateful of shit they were served. “412 PAGES? TL:DR? WIIIIIIITCH HUUUUUUUUNT!”
(And also the docs further prove that Trump University is now considered an Ivy League school, that the President’s fingers are, if anything, unusually long, and that he dated Salma Hayek for six months, and in the end HE was the one to dump HER.)
Georgia State Representative Jason Spencer achieved overnight celebrity by screaming racial slurs and chasing Sacha Baron Cohen around with his bare ass in an attempt to turn him gay. Oh, and he’s refusing to resign, perhaps because hell, shit can’t get any worse, right? In related news, I am no longer capable of any level of surprise.
Spencer is actually the perfect standard-bearer for the modern GOP; a shrieking bigot without two brain cells to rub together, refusing to take responsibility for his own actions even after they’ve been broadcast around the world.
Around the same time Jason’s professional life was ending, Circus Peanut Sydney Greentstreet, cranky at having been denied his second scoop of ice cream as punishment for shitting his pants over his campaign manager’s impending trial, spent his Sunday evening shifting agitatedly in a pile of his own filth, resentment, and terror, until he decided to chase the voices in his head away for a minute or two by doin’ himself a little diplomacy.
And so he threatened Iran with some sort of vague but surely super-manly act of warlike violence, with an all-caps tweet composed in a state of mind not unlike that of a child who discovers his older brother has already claimed the prize at the bottom of the cereal box; just blind, petulant, juvenile rage.
And so suddenly we’re back to wondering if the Manchurian Manchild will sneak downstairs one night while Kelly and Mattis are asleep, and launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike, murdering hundreds of thousands just to steal a positive news cycle or two.
Grampa Grifter was extra surly this morning, either because he didn’t sleep or well, or maybe because THE MOTHERFUCKING WALLS ARE CLOSING IN AND AFTER SEVEN DECADES OF GETTING AWAY WITH EVERY CRIME FROM LARCENY TO SEXUAL ASSAULT TO HIGH GODDAMN TREASON JUST BECAUSE HIS DADDY WAS RICH, THE BILL’S FINALLY COME DUE. Hard to say really.
Anyway, he unleashed a tweetstorm with a tone somewhere between “Nicholas Cage’s King Lear,” and “Hotel Fire at a Bath Salt Salesmen’s Convention,” ranting about…oh honestly, who gives a shit? The usual lies and whinging. Whatever.
Yet another legal setback for our old chum Paul Manafort, as the judge granted immunity to five Mueller witnesses to testify against him. Paulie’s so thoroughly #Manafucked at this point, he’s walkin’ funny.
I see Rand Paul is doing another one of his trademark performance art pieces, where he pretends he’s something other than just another garden-variety Republican hack who votes the party line every time it matters. Honestly, it’s just repetitive and boring at this point. Zero Meowmeowbeenz.
Team Shitgibbon launched an attempt to strip California of the right to regulate the cleanliness of their own fucking air, because that really hits that pettiness/evil sweet spot (and more on that in just one short moment). This is likely to be just the first in a series of vindictive actions targeting blue states. My sources inform me other plans under consideration would involve the mandatory releasing of bees into all Massachusetts office buildings, filling all the reservoirs and water towers in Illinois with New Coke, and granting Stephen Miller Prima Nocta rights throughout the Pacific Northwest.
On the Bitchy Despotism front, Sarah Slanders proudly announced her scrotalrot boss was looking into revoking the security clearances of Obama and Bush era intelligence officials such as James Clapper, Andrew McCabe, and some fellah named “Comey,” for they periodically appear on his magic television box pointing out what a massive fuck-up he is, which makes him sad.
In that inimitable Shart House fashion, several of the officials listed no longer had any security clearances to revoke, so in the end, this mostly comes down to Penny-Ante Pol Pot throwing himself a wee tyrant tantrum that people are allowed to criticize him.
And now Precocious Paul’s trial has been delayed a week, which is kinda disappointing but at least now the t-shirt I picked up at the merch booth should become a collector’s item, because it has the original date on the back. Right?
What’s this now? The Tangelo Taint Tumor’s lawyers are trying to bargain with The Bobadook? Wee Don will answer questions relating to golf pants, Reince Priebus’ pet peeves, and Ninja Turtle trivia, but any questions about crimes are OFF LIMITS! I bet that works out.
Jesus Fuck. Aunt Em? Aunt Em?!?!? AUNT EM WILL YOU PLEASE PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE?