“Trump officials cite white supremacists in bid to end birthright citizenship”

Gross.

And we shrug. “Sounds like something the United States government would do, yeah.”

That said, I think the last year or so conclusively disproves the concept of white supremacy and all theories flowing from it. That science is fuckin’ settled. If I had just two words to describe life under the thumb of this new master race, they wouldn’t be “golden age,” y’know? Maybe “turd geyser” or something.

And surprise, surprise, all the latest polling confirms historic majorities now identify as Just About Done With This Shit, Thanks For Asking.

Maybe the American people don’t want to be great again. I mean sure, shockwaves from the self-inflicted fuel crisis reverberate further throughout the economy damn near hourly, but the imaginary marker negotiations have never gone better.

Folks’re mad at Paula White for comparing the world’s most famous rapist to Jesus Christ, but honestly, what deals did Jesus ever make? Nailed to a cross for OTHER people’s sins? Definitely on the sucker/loser spectrum.

Did Jesus ever take one single cognitive test? And the Bible would absolutely mention that, because they’d want you to know how smart He is.

Why, I bet there isn’t any evidence at all of Jesus sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl, let alone new evidence corroborating existing testimony. Unlike some people I could mention.

Hey, somebody tell Pam Bondi to keep an eye out for any stray Epstein files while she’s cleaning out her desk. Yes, the Pamster is leaving us for the private sector, where rumor has it she’ll be replacing either Diamond or Silk whichever one died who cares?

Didn’t take long for Pam to find her place in history, I see. I’m sure it was super worth it. Who needs a soul, anyway?

And so the weighty task of smearing the halls of justice with poo now falls to another. Perhaps Lee Zeldin or Alina Habba, who I’m told is reading at a seventh-grade level now.

The most intriguing possibility is Judge Jeanine, who has apparently been angling for the gig all along. Yeah, every time she got laughed out of court by a grand jury, she was actually auditioning for a promotion. Kakistocracy seems funny from the outside sometimes, but I think it’s important that we respect their culture.

The defenestration ritual is, of course, central to a religion that worships such a subpar deity. A steady stream of high priests must be excommunicated/immolated to maintain the illusion that there’s anybody anywhere in the whole damn cult that doesn’t absolutely suck.

Tulsi’s next, we’re told, or Lutnick, or perhaps even Hegseth.   

Oh right, the war!

Historically, it’s been traditional to determine war aims before the commencement of the actual war, but we don’t go for your fancy, coastal, elitist “planning” shit ‘round these parts.

We’re trying out more of a going-in-guns-blazing, murdering-hundreds-of-children, inadvertently-gifting-our-adversary-a-massive-financial-windfall kind of thing these days. Don’t worry, we’re safe in the hands of dudes who think we won Vietnam.

Oh well. At least we taught this new Ayatollah how to take the global economy hostage whenever he wants.

Poor Donnie. Pete swore fighting a war in the Middle East was a simple matter of doing push-ups until the enemy fled the field in the face of your fearsome swoleness, and he was wearing his trustworthiest socks at the time, too.

Personally, I think Pete’s taking the blame for the shortcomings of the U.S. military, which is warfighting far too wokely, as I’m sure you’ll agree. Why, despite ongoing purges, some of the officers are still women, or even Black. How’s a fellow supposed to blow up schools under such conditions?

Shucks, how’s he supposed to bomb a whole country “back to the Stone Age” when they keep stubbornly shooting down our planes with those air defenses we totally annihilated weeks ago?

You know, I bet when he sent his broker out on that war profiteering bender, it was more “invest in companies that produce ticker tape for parades” than “back manufacturers of cutting-edge military tech because the idiot Defense Secretary has an established history of making massively expensive mistakes.”

Anyway, while the Dotard managed to get through his little war address without shitting his pants or declaring war on NATO, larger issues, such as “Wait, why the fuck are we even doing this?” and “Could this guy tell a cow apart from a horse right now if his life depended on it?” remain.

Still, I think we should give the boys this trillion and a half dollars they’re asking for. Why spend money on health care, housing, and education when the two biggest dipshits in the history of narcissism have so many war crimes yet to commit and so many messianic delusions yet to explore?

We just gotta find ourselves a new war aim is all. Something manageable. Find some low-level cleric willing to finance the delivery of a single burrito, via helicopter, to Kid Rock’s house, spike the football, and get the fuck out.

The Offal in the Oval took another flaccid swipe at our constitutional rights with an executive order on voting rights that isn’t expected to survive contact with any federal judge not named Aileen Cannon. I look forward to explaining all the nuances to the masked secret policeman at my polling station.

Speaking of ICE, they’re allegedly setting up shop outside Marine Corps graduation ceremonies in South Carolina, not, as you might imagine, to demonstrate their world-renowned water bottle handing-out skills, but to poke around amidst the assembled families for brown people to kidnap. Have fun in Iran, grads!

The wily Eric Swalwell narrowly eluded the FBI’s clutches when, at the pivotal moment, just as he was about to procure concrete evidence of Swalwell’s many crimes, which are big and serious and so, so real, Director Patel was forced to pause operations to wait for a jacket that fit.

A planned operation to deploy the president himself to intimidate the Supreme Court during oral arguments for the birthright citizenship case was forced to abort at the last minute when handlers feared a repeat of the notorious sleep-farting incident from his 2024 trial.

I don’t usually get emotionally invested in celebrity gossip, but I don’t think the Noems are going to make it, you guys. Maybe if Corey n’ Kristi make it legal, they’ll be permitted conjugal visits, which could provide necessary spice for the Oliver Stone biopic.

Aren’t you glad you’re not Bryon Noem? That dude is on the sort of run that seldom occurs outside of William H. Macy films.

And not to join the dogpile, but I’ve decided to run for Congress on a platform of a single piece of legislation mandating the replacement of every banner and statue and coin depicting Donald Trump with the already iconic image of poor Bryon, with his sad, broken eyes and immense, tragicomically misaligned falsies.

I just think it captures the spirit of MAGA more accurately, is all.

I see JD Vance has written a book about his faith. I’ll get to that one once I finish Josh Hawley’s book on manhood and that series of YouTube videos Dennis Hastert made offering tips for coaching high school wrestling.

Normally, there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching Donald Trump lose in court, but if these activist judges steal from us the cultural catharsis of tearing the fat bastard’s precious ballroom down brick by brick with our bare hands, I may be forced to exercise my constitutional right to riot.

In my fantasy, he’s holed up in that bunker beneath it, pissing his way through an adult diaper stockpile that was supposed to last decades in mere weeks, driven mad by the jubilant singing of a joyful nation diligently scraping through however many feet of solid steel. With spoons if necessary, you piece of crap.

With spoons.

So yeah, if you still believe in white supremacy after watching these pasty dorks at work, I don’t know what to tell ya. I do have some NFTs for sale that you may be interested in, however.

Okay, that’s enough for one week. I promise to spend any donations on beer rather than self-aggrandizing memoirs composed by unimpressive hypocrites, so donate freely via Venmo, PayPal, or Cash App as you see fit. Join the cool kids on my email list, or @john_luzar, and stay safe out there, old chum…

PS, we’ve got an update on that guy from last week who says he teleported. Turns out, he didn’t. Imagine that.