- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Well I’m Glad We Got Through the Week Without Committing Genocide
When I saw him talking about killing a whole civilization, I just assumed he meant ours. That the Project 2025 termites had finally gnawed through enough support beams to bring the whole motherfucker down around our ears.
Then I remembered Donnie Dotard’s late-onset megalomania.
“Oh right! We handed command of the most awesome goddamn military force in human history to an amoral narcissist who grows more desperate to rewrite his legacy with each fresh application of concealer to the ever-expanding death splotch on his left hand.”
“Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell,” he mashed out with his stunted, ineffectual fingers, no doubt hoping random miscapitalizations would make his madman act seem extra madman-y.
And maybe Catturd was impressed, but the Iranians sure weren’t. If their centuries-old culture did indeed face genocide, at least they’d troll their annihilator with surprisingly amusing AI Lego videos first. And let me say, I was already plenty ashamed of my country before we lost a meme war to medieval theocrats.
He needed a little help from Pakistan to chicken out this time, but Power Plant Day and Bridge Day are best left unobserved, don’t you think? I never know what to bring to the parties. War crimes? Olive oil? Maybe I’ll just hang out in the corner and watch the Ayatollah play with his new toy.
Yes, this holiday season, every autocrat in your life will be clamoring for a Strait of Hormuz of their very own. Who needs more than two dolls when you can make the global economy dance to your merest whim? Why, even the President of the United States of America can’t help but fantasize about all that sweet, sweet toll revenue.
…all he has to do is work out the details with the religious fanatic whose father he killed. How hard could it be for the master dealmaker? I’ve already preordered the challenge coin.
Until then, we’ll just have to tide ourselves over with all this inflation. Luckily, there’s plenty to go ‘round.
Everybody assumes our “next conquest” will be the invasion of Cuba, or maybe even Greenland, but my money’s on the Vatican. That’s right, if this so-called Pope insists upon preaching peace, Uncle Sam might have to get Avignon on his anointed ass.
Although at the rate we’re going, there won’t be any military left to do the conquerin’. Shit, if Hegseth keeps purging the Pentagon of all personnel more impressive than himself, who’ll do the vacuuming, for starters?
Am I a hypocrite for wanting peace in the Middle East while simultaneously hoping this MAGA civil war slides into mutually assured destruction territory as soon as humanly possible? Trump, Tucker, Candace, Megyn, Alex Jones…let’s dig these kids some trenches and let ‘em work their shit out. There’s gotta be some old mustard gas lying around someplace, right?
JD Vance flew to Hungary to campaign for Viktor Orbán, because convincing an electorate to sign on for a second helping of shit is integral to his own political future. Oddly, the Vice President declined to visit any other NATO allies on his trip, just the flailing Putin puppet. Hmm. And his speeches are usually such big hits on th’continent, too.
I suppose I should be madder to see Russian propagandists cavorting around the White House lawn at the Easter Egg Roll, but if you really wanna spend your leisure time around a decomposing rapist while he rants at children about the autopen, knock yourselves out, dorks.
Turd Reich apparatchiks probably shouldn’t place too much faith in their boss’ (alleged) promise to hand out blanket pardons on the way out the door, because there’s no fucking way the old man’s reading and writing skills survive another three years.
Acting AG Todd Blanche will love him no matter what, though. But not in a Fatal Attraction sort of way, or…y’know what? In an extremely Fatal Attraction sort of way, actually. Don’t tell Lindsey Graham, or the battle for the spot at the foot of the bed might get bloody.
After a reeeeeeeal rough stretch, it looks like Bryon Noem is finally back on the path to a quiet, simple life of normalcy and digniOPE, NEVER MIND.
Goddammit, Donald Trump didn’t launch a 200-front trade war just so Donald Trump could build his ballroom out of European steel! Or wait, since the aforementioned Eurosteel was clearly a bribe to get out from under tariffs, maybe the system is working precisely as intended. MURICA FIRST!
Melania wants you to know that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t swap her to the Donald for fifty bucks and a case of beer. Called a whole-ass press conference to say so, in fact. Say, speaking of the Epstein files, wasn’t there something about a game show host sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl? I wonder whatever happened to that guy…
Marjorie Taylor Greene seems to know! I wasn’t exactly a fan of Marj’s work in Congress, but I think she’s found her calling. If she keeps it up, I say we let her fire the space laser. Just once. On her birthday, maybe.
The CDC doesn’t want the public to know that Covid vaccines work, which strikes me as maybe not the most efficient way of controlling diseases, though I suppose we should be thankful they’re not promoting ivermectin. Or bleach.
The regime announced the end of the U.S. Forest Service, which is obsolete now that we understand all of our woodlands’ problems can be solved with six or seven brooms.
A little light this week because THE NEW COMIC BOOK ARRIVED FROM THE PRINTERS!
That’s right, GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1 is here! In fact, it’s ALL OVER MY APARTMENT, as I prepare packages for shipping!
Now, because I am not necessarily the brightest masked blogger on the block, I neglected to send out my Kickstarter backer surveys until this week. So if you haven’t already, check your email for your survey so I can get your rewards shipped to you!
And if you didn’t back the last Kickstarter, FEAR NOT, because GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is riiiiiiiiiight around the corner!
But if you just can’t wait to give me some of your money, why not toss a few bucks into the ol’ tip jar (via Cash App, PayPal, or Venmo) to keep me in beer while I work? Joining the email list and following @john_luzar are still free, of course! Thanks for reading, and stay safe out there, friend-o…
Turd Reich. That’s good, bro. I hope you work somewhere where people appreciate you. !!
And I ain’t so sure about my email address handle anymore. Ole Noam has the same stupid White male beliefs about women as White males either 50 points less of IQ. Maybe he’s not so smart. I think we take these people at face value,
Comics! Yeah!
Great as ever, and congratulations on the comic book.
Letting Marg fire the Space Laser on her birthday…finest kind!
Yeah, I thought it was our civilization too. Dumpty and his equally craven and cowardly accomplices have certainly done a fine job of that.
Another excellent post, Cap. Looking forward to the comic book.
Cheers!
Yup, Pope Leo continues to piss off Orange Shithead (I have the benefit of Sunday a.m.’s diatribe by said O.S.) and I think the Vatican will be squarely in the Dept.of WAR!’s sights next. (I believe the exclamation point is mandatory whenever Dept. is spoken or written of) O.S. has definitely lost a bucketful or two of marbles following his buddy Orban’s loss. In Hungary, especially given ol’ J.D.’s fervent campaign help the last several days. We can only hope that Vance’s efforts will be similarly successful this campaign season in the US.
Can we just 25th the old guy now, before he totally destroys any tiny remaining bit of dignity we might have left in the world.? Pleeeeeeeeeease? He’s ill and he needs help. It is the humane thing to do. We wouldn’t let our auntie Maude live like this….why let the OS do it?
Joni S, willing to beg