Honestly, I would like to be released from this so-called Fun House now. It’s been a year and a half. The cotton candy is stale, the mirrors make me look bloated and orange, and the clowns insist on setting foreign policy.

I wonder if Mike Pompeo has noticed the Cuck Me sign King Jong-un taped to his back yet? Yes, North Korea has done what everyone whose brain isn’t being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight MAGA cap knew they’d do, and said “thanks for all the unilateral concessions you blistering rubes, no we’re not giving you anything you want, it’s not our fault you took a dozen victory laps before you bothered to get anything in writing.”

Rudy Giuliani crawled out of whatever sewer drain he’s been hiding in the last couple of weeks to set new terms for his Swollen Ostomy Bag client to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation. Rudy demands a week’s supply of over-cooked steaks, plus thirty pounds of cherry Starbursts hand-selected by Kevin McCarthy, and will only agree to converse around the very table Ben Carson tried to order with taxpayer money but was forced to return.

Oh, and he wants Rugged Robert to present his evidence of criminal wrongdoing up front, as a condition of the interview. That’s a trial, Rudy. What you’re describing is a trial, and, y’know…careful whatcha wish for.

I guess we’re still talking about Alan Dershowitz, which surely must mean he’s been bitten by a radioactive Judicial Watch post and has scaled the Empire State Building to spout quasi-legal gibberish about how the President is above the law even while enduring social shunning from the biplanes he expected to attack him.

Did you catch WaPo’s fascinating-if-depressing deep dive into how Tangerine Idi Amin conducts diplomacy, which is to to say, with all the misplaced confidence of a subpar white dude who repeatedly fell back on daddy’s money to bail him out of trouble? Unwilling to prepare, blindly trusting the same pudding-headed instincts that got him played by a ten-cent thug like Kim Jong-un, bullying our closest allies even while melting to softest putty in Vladimir Putin’s eager paws…let’s look on the bright side and just celebrate that he hasn’t gotten us all killed yet.

Senator Ron Johnson seems to have returned from his Independence Day vacation in Moscow on the Russian payroll. Congratulations, Vlad…you have compromised the Dumbest Senator in All the Land. I’m sure as long as you help him with childproof lids and keep him in Velcro shoes, he’s yours for life.

I confess I lose track of all the open white supremacist/nazi candidates running for office as Republicans this year. I’m pretty sure I covered the god-is-a-white-supremacist dude, but the Holocaust denier is new, right? Anyway, the institutional GOP is (pretending to be) mystified and appalled at this totally unforeseen development, and by the way Santa Claus is white and the last President was born in Kenya and welfare queens and Willie Horton and “David Duke without the baggage” and HOLY SHIT WHO LET ALL THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN HERE? (blinks innocently)

(And yes, during the drafting of this piece, yet ANOTHER story of a GOP candidate for Congress openly espousing white supremacist ideals broke.  They can have a little Klan Kaucus!)

Maybe I’m focusing too much on the racism in the Republican Party. Let’s switch gears and talk about the sexism in the Republican Party. Meet “Reverend” Mark Harris, GOP candidate in the North Carolina 9th, who worries that it may not be “healthy” for the womenfolk to seek careers and independence and what have you, when they really ought be making babies and their husbands’ dinner.

(And then let’s donate to Mark’s Democratic opponent, Dan McCready.)

Or perhaps we should wrap all the racism and sexism up into one shitty, hate-belching package, a package that would look suspiciously like San Bernardino Deputy DA Michael Selyem, whose social media feed is full of such bilious bigotry as you rarely encounter outside the dinner parties of high-ranking White House officials.

Team Shart decided to suspend billions in ACA payments to insurers, presumably because they want a bunch of headlines about astronomical premium increases heading in the midterms, because they are POLITICAL GENIUSES.

I guess some jagoffs are making a little Roe v Wade propaganda flick, casting every right wing nutcase from Stacey Dash to Tammy Lasorda or whatever her name is to Pedophilia Apologist Milo Yagotnobookdealnomo. It’s going so well they’re hiding the true nature of the project, and even the script, from the folks working on it, who seem to be dropping out with some regularity. I’m sure they’ll have all the success they deserve.

Gosh golly gee, it seems President Shartcannon’s highest-profile toadies keep having unpleasant confrontations in public with a subset of Americans you might call “decent human beings,” who don’t enjoy having their country looted by a petty grifter who steals from charity, brags about sexual assault, and rips children from their parents and throws them into fucking cages like a jackbooted goddamn fascist.

Poor enablers! Look, Kellyanne…you will never be welcome in the company of decent Americans ever again. Ever. That’s the price for what you’re doing. And Stephen Miller, OF COURSE the fucking restaurant spit in your food. If you’re lucky they only spit in it. YOU WILL NEVER EAT A CLEAN MEAL FROM A RESTAURANT AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DOES HORRIBLE THINGS. Assume all your take-out took a pit stop inside a human ass en route to the styrofoam container.

You guys, the Deep Dish State is totally out to get Jim Jordan, via a nefarious plot to drop him in the middle of a culture of pervasive sexual abuse 20 years ago and making him the sort of cowardly shitsack who wouldn’t do jack shit to stop it. I guess we’re also supposed to believe that he had a legitimate shot at being Speaker of House, and this whole thing is about taking him down? I guess while we’re spinnin’ shit, Jim Jordan owns a griffin, and also beat The Rock at arm wrestling. Sure. Why not?

So I guess the official policy of the United States is anti-breast-feeding now, didja see that? Every time you think these assclowns have run out of new ways to embarrass the nation on the world stage while undermining our values, they pull another Donnie Darko bunny out of the hat.

Yes, the Turdweasel delegation to the World Health Organization tried to bully the whole freakin’ world out of a resolution promoting breast feeding, threatening severe retaliation against any nation that introduced it until GUESS WHO rode to the rescue? That’s right…RUSSIA. Uncle Vlad gets to play Global Good Guy, while the bully in the black hat (that’s US, for the record) slinks away, thwarted.

Anyway, be on the lookout for Trump Brand Baby Formula, which will just be unpurchased Trump steaks mashed up in unpurchased Trump vodka.

The trade war is going about as well as you’d expect. The Manchurian Manchild marched onto the field, wearing naught save an overflowing diaper, and lobbed a few ill-conceived tariffs at the rest of the world, based on some nebulous “ideas” about steel being…I dunno, the Single Best Thing in the Whole Fucking World or something.

The rest of world fought back by actually, y’know, thinking shit through, targeting their retaliatory tariffs on industries and regions designed to inflict maximum damage on Shart Garfunkel’s political prospects. The Chinese in particular have zeroed in on his shitty base down to the county level. So basically the United States showed up to a gunfight with a bag of styrofoam peanuts.

Looking across th’pond for a minute, things are getting downright BARMY over there, amirite?

Resignations aplenty in the British government, I guess because Brexit isn’t Brexity enough for some folks? I won’t pretend to understand what’s going on, but still, you read about the resignation of a bloviating idiot with ridiculous hair, and it gets your hopes up, y’know?

By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the giant orange baby balloon set to greet Fat Q*Bert upon his arrival in London. It’s amusing enough on its own, but if I can just put together the right team, I’ve got an excellent Prince-and-the-Pauper-style plan to switch ‘em, leaving the real Bloat tethered to the Thames, while simultaneously upgrading the Oval Office IQ by several points.

And I see we have fresh Russian nerve agent casualties, so this seems like a really ideal time to turn a tantruming toddler loose at the NATO summit, doesn’t it?

Lordy. I may need to employ a full time British correspondent soon. Some soccer hooligan in Union Jack body paint, and we’ll get into fistfights about the appropriate serving temperature for beer.

The Grand Wizard Grifter has a shiny new lawsuit to add to his collection, as he’s now being sued by his longtime personal driver for withholding overtime pay. I ask you, does this sound like the man who charged the Secret Service to pee even as they protected his very life, just to wring a few extra bucks out of the U.S. Treasury?

Oh. Right.

I guess the 200 grand Marm-a-Lago membership comes with an Air Force One tour now? I’d say that’s asking for trouble…if anybody shows up for the club looking suspiciously like a young Gary Oldman, and pays the fee in rubles…well, I’m sure it’s not my business.

The Turdworm Administration will miss a court-ordered deadline tomorrow to reunite more than one hundred migrant children under the age of 5 with their families. So anyway, these clods who can’t locate the people they took into custody mere weeks ago want to renegotiate NAFTA and restructure the entire American health care system and denuclearize North Korea and build a Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants and also maybe invade Venezuela. Remember when they got mad over the media failing to praise them for pulling off the Easter Egg Roll?

Scandal hit the GOP runoff in the Georgia governor’s race, with the release of a secret recording of one candidate lamenting the batshit craziness of the primary. While the lunatic Republican base demands ever loonier lunatics to represent them in government, for some reason they get pissy whenever their lunacy is labeled “lunacy,” kind of like how they love spewing racist shit but hate being called racist. Whatever. I’m not interested in understanding these folks anymore, just out-voting ‘em.

Oh, and Government Cheese Goebbels nominated a real asshole to the Supreme Court tonight. I don’t know which of the asshole finalists he ended up picking as I type this, but I’m confident it was a gigantic, festering, smelly, asshole.

Hey look, I was right.

Okay, that’s the update, Shower Captives. And yeah, I’m a little late getting that promised Goddamn Midterm Action Page up, but I wanna make sure it’s shiny and chrome, y’know? It’ll be worth the wait, I promise.

PS – SCOTUS pick notwithstanding, Sharty Jannetty got smacked down in court again today.